Yo, I must be the reincarnation of Hamilton or some shit because I've written twenty six chapters, all over 800 words in six fucking days.

How the fuck-

John Pov
I walked into Alex's room and my breath nearly hitched at the sight. Alex looked extremely pale and hair was just fucking gone. To be honest, it didn't even look like him.

He was glaring at the wires on his arms and reached a hand out to tug on them. When he did a machine started beeping and he groaned, wincing in pain.

"Hey stop that. That's stupid,"
I said, putting down my backpack and sitting down.

He looked over to me and smiled, giving a little wave.

"Sit with me?"
He asked, scouting over a bit.

I hopped into the bed, lying down next to him.

He avoided my eyes and whispered,
"I really outta tell you something John."

"What is it?" I asked, trying to get him to make eye contact with me.

"You know what I said..
how Id live for you?"
He asked quietly.

"Mhm,"
I hummed, tracing his jawline.

"I..I don't think I can do it John. Not with everything-" He cut himself off when his voice cracked.

"What do you mean everything?"
I asked.

"I-I..
You know about my mental illness. Oh and the cancer isn't really helping either."
He muttered, still not looking me in the eyes.

"Is it the depression?" I asked him, keeping my voice soft.

He bit his lip and closed his eyes, nodding. I didn't want to ask what I had to ask.

"...Did you hurt yourself?"
I choked out, still trying to get him to look at me.

He didn't say anything.

"I tried."
He whispered.

"I was gonna. I was gonna rip the cords outta my arms and just...die." He told me, opening his eyes.

I pulled him into my chest and just hugged him. I knew he was crying but I didn't care he needed a fucking hug and we both knew it.

He balled my shirt in his hand and cried.

"This is the fucking worst," Alex said, biting his lip.

"You'll get better." I told him.

"John I've never said this before in my life but I..
I'm really fucking scared.
Im horrified.
I lie here every fucking day just awaiting my slow coming death."
He told me, his lip quivering slightly.

"You're not going to die."
I said.

"I want to believe that John. But you and I both know that I'm not gonna make it." He said pausing.

"I'm never gonna graduate high school or go to college. I'm never gonna-"

"Stop it Alex,"
I whispered, shaking my head.

"It's not that bad I guess. When you take out the wheezing, and coughing and puking up blood and having to piss in a fucking tin thingy."
He said, muttered the last bit.

"The puking up blood bit really sucks. Like it hurts and it's gross and then I'm like super tired after it then a nurse has get my blood flow stabilized and I want to fucking commit suicide." He told me.

"Live for me, remember?"
I reminded him, finding his hand and intertwining our fingers.

"You don't understand!..
Thats so fucking hard to do."
Alex said, sniffling.

"You're going to live. And don't tell me otherwise. When I met you I thought you were the most fuckin badass person to ever live,"

Alex snickered, resting his head on my shoulder.

"And if you could prove to me that you were badass then, you can and you fucking will, do it now." I said.

He muttered something, and started to fall asleep. I got nervous for a second because it woulda really fucking sucked if he died straight after my hella good pep talk.

But his heart monitor didn't flatline so that was a relief. I helped him close to me and tried to relax maybe fall asleep with him but it's kind of hard to cool your nervous when you're worried your boyfriend is going to flatline the second you shut your eyes.

I heard the door open and I glanced over. Ed and Tom walked in, sitting down.

I let myself close my eyes, knowing that they would start a fucking fire or something if Alex flatlined.

"Oh fuck they're being gay."
I heard Ed say.

I resisted the urged to laugh. I heard something hit someone and then Ed exclaimed, "Hey what the fuck?! Don't hit me with books!"

That something was a book and that someone was Ed.

"Let your brother be." Tom said.
Woop Tom.

"I didn't fuckin' wake em up to tell him though." Ed muttered.

I smiled to myself and started to slowly fall asleep, holding Alex.

He doesn't deserve this.
Sure, he's not a saint but who is?
I know I'm not.

I couldn't stop replaying the picture of him when I walked in.
Pale, looking near death, head shaved.

Holy shit.
I'm terrified.