Trigger Warning
Like seriously.

Alex Pov
I went through my dresser looking for anything black with long sleeves. Fucking anything. You see, I usually have short sleeve shirts and wear my coat over it so it's all good, but noOoo. Angelica had to take my coat away.

That coat has my cigs and my switchblade. My cigs and switchblade.

If it wasn't for the Juul and my stale cigs then I'd be at a pharmacy with a demanding need to smoke.
I know it's an unhealthy addiction but it's better than a lot of different addictions. Like heroin, meth and all the big hardcore drugs.

I sighed, dropping a shirt in defeat. What did I do with Johns jacket? I don't want to go to Angelica's house with my scars on display.

Yes,
I said Angelica's house.

I'm getting my coat back today because tomorrow I'm going on a date with John. You know what? Fuck it. I'm going to her house without long sleeves.

If she judges me, I'll be a little bitch and push her away from me forever.

I grabbed my stale ass cigs and shoved them in my pocket.

I started to leave my apartment when Ed asked, "Going to see your girlfriend?"

I really got to come out to him and Tom soon. Actually..
the closet is pretty damn cozy.

"If it makes you feel better than yeah." I said. "Where's your coat?" Tom asked, walking out of the kitchen.

"At this girls house."
I said, inching towards the door.

"You fucked her?" Ed asked, not looking up from his book.

"What? No!"
I exclaimed.

Ed looked up from his book and looked me up and down.

"Nice scars."
He muttered, going back to his book.

I narrowed my eyes and Tom said,
"Ed. Stop it."

"He ain't gonna stop anytime soon. Just loves to remind me I used to self harm." I muttered angrily, walking out of my apartment.

I walked into the lobby and saw Thomas J. and James M. playing cards in their usual spot.

I saw Mrs.Washington.
You know, I really outta talk to her.

"Hey Mrs.Washington," I hummed, leaning onto the front desk.

"Hello Alex. How have you been?"
She asked. I shrugged.

"Snagged me a date," I told her.

"Ooh! What's their name?"
She asked.

I bit my lip.
It ain't like she's gonna tell anyone.

"John," I said.
"A boy?" She asked.

"Mhm." I nodded, shifting my weight.

"That's wonderful Alex! Hope it goes well." She told me happily.

That..
that wasn't that bad.

"Thanks." I said, a little in shock.

I walked outside and found my motorcycle. I had Angelica's number so I kinda just texted her and asked if I could come over.

It was no surprise when she said sure. I asked her where she lived and the second I figured it out, I was speeding her way.

~•~•~•~

I knocked on her door, rocking on my feet.
The door opened and revealed a man in his mid forties. I put my hands behind my back and smiled.

"Good day sir. Is Angelica here?"
I asked.

He raised an eyebrow.

"And you are..?" He trailed off.

"Alex," I replied.

He gave a nod and called for Angelica. She came to the door and smiled. Just gotta..be straight for a minute Alex. Ain't to hard. Just smile and agree. And get your coat back. And tell her you're gay.

Wait.
No.

I walked upstairs with her to her room. I sat on her bed, wiping my sweaty hands on my pants.

"So what do you want to-"

"Angelica I'm-" I cut myself off.

Rip off the bandaid, right?

"You're what?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Could I have my coat back?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah okay." She said grabbing it off her desk and tossing it to me.

"So..." She trailed off, getting off the desk chair and sitting next to me.

She put her hand on mine.
I felt stuck.
She intertwined our fingers.
I felt nauseous.

"Angelica I'm gay."
I told her.

Angelica took her hand from mine and exclaimed, "You're what?!"

"I-I...I'm..I-" I choked cutting myself off.

"You're...Gay?" She whispered, her eyebrows raised.

I felt myself tear up a bit.

"I don't believe it. You're.."
She trailed off.

"Yeah."
I whispered, averting my eyes.

"You should probably go."
She said.

I grabbed my coat and calmly walked out of her house. I got on my motorcycle and drove back to my apartment. I walked into the complex and into the elevator. I went inside of my apartment and closed the door.

I turned around and slid to the floor, sobbing in my hands.

"What the fuck? Alex are you crying?" Ed asked, coming out of his room.

I held my head in my hands and brought my knees to my chest.

"Alex what the fuck?" Ed asked, walking over to me. I covered my mouth and tried to muffle my cries.

"Alex get the fuck up. If Tom sees you crying we both are fucking doomed." He hissed, trying to drag me to my feet.

"What's going on here?" Tom asked, coming out of his room.

"Nothing!"
Ed exclaimed.

I wiped my nose on my sleeve and stifled another sob.

"Alex? What's with you?"
Tom asked walking over.

"Did your girlfriend break up with you or something?" He asked.

My god.
I want to die.
I want to fucking die.

I need to die.
Get rid of this mess I am. I pushed myself to my feet and stumbled to my room, shutting and locking my door.

I wish I wasn't this way.
What did I do to deserve this.
I don't want to be gay.
I don't want to be alive.

Relapsing sounds good.

I threw off my coat, trying to ignore Tom knocking on my door. I sat down at my desk, taking the razor from the bottom of my sharpener.

I placed it at my wrist and tried to calm my breathing.

So fucking useless.
I'll regret it in the morning.
If I live to the morning.
I need to live to morning.
I need to live for John.
Right?

I groaned, throwing the razor at my wall. "Open the door Alex!" Tom shouted.

I opened my door, wiping my nose on my arm. "What." I hissed.

"You gonna explain the whole stunt you just pulled?" He shot at me.

"No. And leave me the fuck alone."
I growled.

"You're one to be talking young man." He warned.

"What's wrong with you?"
He asked.

I laughed, feeling tears come to my eyes. "So, so many things." I said, smiling, while tears rolled down my face.

"You, Ed, you don't know how easy you got it. When I was born, I was fucking destined to fail." I hissed.

He grabbed my shoulder.
"Then you change that Alex." He said.

"I can't," I whispered, shaking my head.

"You can. And you will." He said.

Should I do it now?
No-

"I'm gay Tom."
I said quietly.

He retracted his hand from my shoulder.

( Theres gonna be a slur :/ )

"What?"
He asked.

I averted my eyes.
"You don't know how easy you got it."
I whispered.

"You're a..
a..
fag?" He asked.

(That was hard to write-)

"Don't call me that." I said, wiping my nose.

"My own son likes it in the ass."
He muttered.

I furrowed my eyebrows.

"This.
This is what you were cryin' bout?" Tom asked.

I shrugged weakly.
"Trust me, I don't want to be gay-"

He brought me into a hug.
"I'm sorry." He said.

"..For What?" I asked.

"For callin' you that slur. You're my son and I outta treat ya that way." He said.

I smiled.
It felt like a pressure was taken off my chest but I still trembled a bit.

"I love you Alex."
Tom said.

"Love ya to Tom." I said.

He pulled away and punched my shoulder lightly.

"You gonna be a great man Lex."
He said.

I sniffled, smiling a bit.
"Thanks Tom." I said.

"Alex is gay?!"
Ed shouted from the other room.

"..Who woulda guessed."