Buffy's POV

I sit here, staring down at it.

It's so small, and yet so incredibly big, so important, so vital...

I reach down and pick up the small black box, looking closer at what's inside.

It means so much for something so little. I've tried so many times to throw it away, give it away, or even sell it. But every time I try, something stops me. Because of what it means... because of who it's from, Dawn. She's been gone for months, and I still cry some nights. I still see her face as she lay limp on the rocks when I close my eyes. I still feel the fear run through me as I check for a pulse but don't find one. But worst of all I remember feeling absolutely sick as the love of my life called my name. I didn't know why I felt sick at the time, and knowing now makes it even worse.

I ran into her arms, despite the limp in my step, and held her close as I felt my tears coming. If I had known then what I was about to learn I never would've sought comfort from her. I never would've let myself cry in front of her, and let her cry with me. I would've asked her what happened, like I did when I finally managed to stop crying. I looked into her eyes and asked. I thought that losing Dawn would be the absolute worst feeling I could ever feel, but when I heard those three words from her while she looked at Dawn, I knew that it was so much worse.

'I pushed her'

I couldn't believe what she said. I still don't believe it, even though I know it's true. She pushed her off the end of the tower. She pushed our daughter off the tower and killed her. She killed Dawn. Faith murdered our daughter.

I put the little black box down on the bed and bury my face in my knees, not wanting to look at it, or what's inside.

I hated her for that. I still hate her for that. If the broken sword hadn't still been in my foot to keep the bleeding down I probably would've killed her right then and there. Instead I told her that if she isn't gone the next time I turn around I'd kill her. And if she wasn't out of town before my foot was healed, then the next time I saw her face, I'd kill her then. I walked back over to Dawn's body, tears clouding my eyes again. I sat down beside her on the pile of rocks, held her hand, caressed her cheek, and told her I was sorry, and then I turned around and Faith was gone.

Looking back on that moment, I'm glad she was gone when I turned around. I'm not a killer, not like she is, but I would gladly become one if it meant avenging what happened to Dawn. What she did to Dawn. I'm thankful that she didn't try to reason with me any more than she did, because that would've made me do it.

There is no reason for what she's done. There is no explanation that would make what she did to Dawn all right. Faith murdered the only person I wanted to protect more than Faith herself. There is no forgiveness for that. There is no going back from that. No matter how much I might've loved her, I can't forget what Faith has done.

I haven't seen her since that day or at least she hasn't been physically seen by me anyway. She has been around though... I think. I felt her somewhere nearby, at the funeral, I'm pretty sure. I may not have seen her, but she was there. I didn't go after her either. It wasn't the time or the place. I had my mother to think of too. I had to be there for my mother in her time of need... in our time of need. Dawn was her daughter too, not just mine.

I pick up the box and try to throw it across my room, knowing instantly that I can't do it. I open the box and look inside, before closing it and putting it back in the drawer of my nightstand.

I would've postponed the funeral for her. I would've postponed it indefinitely until she felt better if I had to, but she wouldn't let me. Mom insisted we have the funeral as soon as arrangements could be made. And that she would be there even if the world ended. But the world didn't end, and she was there, all dressed in black and sitting in the hospital wheelchair.

I couldn't help but hold her hand and cry as they closed the casket after the service and lowered her body into her grave. She got a little weak during the service and I took her home right after, trying to convince her that this was the reason we should've postponed it. But she said the important thing is that she was there and we made it through it, now we can do our best to move on. She's my mother, I could never argue with her.

I don't know how to move on though. It's been six months since the funeral and I don't think there was a single day that I haven't thought of Dawn. I haven't gone a day without thinking of the sweet innocent soul that's been lost. She died so young. I can't stand knowing I'm never going to see her again. I'm never going to hold her again. I'll never see her eyes light up on Christmas morning when I give her that present she's been bugging me for since June. I'll never see that cute little face smile at me right before she pokes me with her fork at dinner. I'll never have any of those things... because of her.

"You were looking at it again weren't you?"

I look up at my mom standing in my doorway.

"What's that?"

"Just now, you were looking at it."

She's not supposed to be out of bed.

I get up and go over to her.

"You're supposed to be resting."

I take her arm and put it over my shoulder, leading her back towards her room.

"I'm fine sweetie."

"You're not fine Mom. The doctors said you weren't completely healed yet. And they said the heart disease you still have from before the broken rib Glory gave you isn't helping."

We pass by Dawn's room and my mom catches me staring at the door.

"I'm all right Buffy, really I am. I've been feeling a lot better these past few days."

We make it into her room and I get her to sit down on her bed.

"That's what you said the last time you felt stronger. Then you went and did a whole bunch of stuff around the house and got really tired so you felt really bad the next day. We can't take the chance that it'll happen again. You need to rest."

She looks up at me and smiles, taking my hands in hers.

"I appreciate how much you're doing to help sweetheart."

I fall to my knees till we're kinda at eye level.

"You're my mother, how could I not want what's best for you?"

She smiles again before reaching out and tucking the hair back behind my ears.

"I know that, and I know that Dawn would feel the same way about you."

I look away as I feel tears in my eyes.

"That she still feels that way."

I don't say anything. I just sit at my mother's feet and try not to cry.

"You were looking at it again weren't you?"

I bite my bottom lip to keep back the tears.

"Yes..."

She turns my head back to look at her.

"Buffy, I gave it to you so you could remember her. So you could feel connected to her, and have a symbol of what it was that Dawn wanted most. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to love her."

"I don't, I just... I miss her."

"Of course you do honey, we all do. Dawn was a very special girl and we love her very much. All of us love her and she loves us, most of all the both of you. That little memento is a testament to how much she loved you both."

"I know..."

There's a long silent pause and I look at my mother's frail hands in mine.

"You still love her don't you?"

I look up and my mother wipes the tear from my cheek.

"Of course I still love her. Dawn wasn't just my sister. She was my daughter... our daughter."

My mom looks into my eyes for a silent moment.

"I wasn't talking about Dawn..."

I don't know what to say for a second as my eyes stay locked on my mother's.

"She killed Dawn..."

I stand up, not wanting to look my mother in the face.

"It doesn't matter whether I love her or not, she killed Dawn."

I turn away and grab my hair.

"She killed her own daughter, and there isn't a thing in this world that could make me forgive her for that."

I turn back to my mother.

"There just isn't..."

"Love isn't always about forgiveness Buffy."

"I don't love Faith, not anymore."

Mom just looks at me with sympathy.

"Look I, I think there's still dishes in the sink. I'm gonna go put them away."

I move to the door.

"If you need anything you don't have to get up you can just ring the bell okay?"

"Sure..."

I leave my mother in her room to rest and go downstairs to do the dishes.

Faith's POV

I sit here, staring down at it.

I should just do it already. Stop waiting, stop thinking about it and just do it. It's not like it matters. It's not like it'll happen any different than any time before.

I pick up the handset on the cordless phone and turn it on. I turn it off and put it back down on the bed.

She's just gonna hang up again, or yell at me again and then hang up. I've tried talking to her, I've tried over and over again but she won't listen. She won't let me explain. Not that I can explain, there's nothing really I can say. I killed Dawn. I killed her to save the world, but I still killed her. There isn't much else I can say. Except that I love Dawn... and Buffy too. Neither of which B wants to hear. Not that I expect her to listen.

I expected her to be angry with me. I expected her yell and scream and say things she didn't mean. Dawn was our daughter, if I were in her shoes I probably would've reacted the same way at first. But what I didn't expect is for it to divide us this long. I knew it would tear us apart, I knew it hurt us both deep down in our hearts. But I was hoping that at some point she would let me plead my case, that I could help her to understand why I did it. I was hoping that at some point we could grieve together, that we could take comfort in each other.

Dawn was our daughter. When I killed her it was like ripping out my heart, like my soul was torn in two. I was hoping that sooner or later, Buffy would realize that I didn't do what I did because I wanted to, but because I had to, to save the world. I had no other choice.

I pick up the phone and stare down at the numbers. I put the phone back in the charger beside the bed and lie back, staring at the ceiling to my room in Angel's hotel.

I haven't called her in 2 months. I haven't seen her in five. Not since the funeral where I stood on top of a crypt and watched the funeral from a far. I stood and watched the funeral of my daughter. I cried the whole way through. I wanted to go to B when she started crying. I wanted to cry with her and hold her until we both could bare the pain, but I didn't.

My eyes drift to the phone again.

There's no reason to call her, I know what the response is gonna be. And besides, Angel called a couple days ago. He calls every couple of weeks mostly, to get and update from Giles. Apparently he's been calling on and off ever since he left Sunnydale after graduation. He's made a habit of calling on a regular basis since I came here.

She's all right, at least physically anyway. Emotionally she's falling apart because of her mom. I hope Joyce will be all right. I don't know what B's gonna do if something happens to her. I don't know what I'm gonna do either. Joyce has been like a mother to me ever since I met her. She's offered me nothing but kindness and generosity since that moment and helped me so much in teaching me to be a truly good person like she is. I want to be there for them now, but I know Buffy would never willingly accept my help. Not with what I did.

The door to my room opens after a quick knock. I look up as Cordy makes her way in.

"Hey..."

"What's up Cordy?"

"Nothing, I was just coming to see how you are. You've been up here alone for a couple hours."

I look over at the phone on its holster for a second.

"I was just thinking..."

Cordy looks at the phone too before smiling that sympathetic smile of hers, sitting on the edge of the bed.

She's changed a lot since I was here last, no memory and all. But who could blame her with everything she, Angel and the rest of the gang have been through with Darla and Connor and Holtz and all that.

"Thinking about her again were you?"

"Pretty much..."

"Did you call her again?"

I pull my knees up and rest my chin there.

"I don't really see the point, do you? I already know what'll happen if I do."

Cordy moves off the edge and sits a little further into the bed.

"Doesn't make you want to call her any less does it?"

I take a deep breath.

"Nope..."

"So why not call her?"

"Cause getting yelled at for saving the world isn't really something I want to do... again."

"Faith, you know all of us here understand what you did. We know that you did what you did because you had to save the world, not because you wanted to. I had to make a choice between meeting Angel and falling in love, or moving on to a higher purpose with the high and mighties. I chose what was best for the world. You did the same. Sooner or later, Buffy will have to understand that."

"Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But constantly calling her isn't helping the situation. I just gotta let things be."

Cordy doesn't say anything to that. She just sits with me in silence.

"So, how's the memory?"

"It's pretty good Faith. Things are still a little fuzzy, but for the most part I'm all back in my head."

"You remember everything about being a higher being?"

"Almost everything, like I said, some stuff is still a little fuzzy. You know the best part about having no memory though? You learn to appreciate what your memories really mean."

I kinda smile at her.

"Don't I know it?"

"Right, cause of... I think between the two of us we've cornered the market on higher power induced amnesia."

We both smile a bit.

She's just trying to cheer me up.

"How's the kid?"

"Connor? He's doing okay, you really gave him an ass kicking but he heals fast."

"It's probably in his genes."

"Yeah, but don't worry... I'm taking good care of him."

"All right..."

I turn my head a bit, looking at the phone.

"If you want to call her so bad, just call her."

"No, as long as Joyce is doing okay there's no reason to."

"Except Buffy..."

"Yeah, look, I don't feel like talking about this."

I get up and Cordy does the same.

"Let's go down and see if Angel has a case for us."

"If that's what you want."

I start walking toward the door, putting my arm around Cordy and leading her out of my room. I take one last look at the phone before leaving.

"It really is."