Author: ArielNoel18

Here come my reviews about your story. 🌼

Title
"Sin Lust A Vampire' is a nice title, but I can't seem to get the sense of it. It's quite fragmented for me. If I'm able to correct it, it would turn out to be like this: 'Sin Lusts For A Vampire'. Still, no worries; I'm just giving my opinion about your title.

Cover
It's definitely attractive and appealing. I love it so much.

Story Description
Kudos to your description. I love how detailed it is, and it is indeed very catchy. But I need to correct some things in it. You used en dashes in your description incorrectly, and actually, they are unnecessary in there. Instead, let me correct it for you.

Previous
His eyes pierce Abigail's very soul - mirrored pools icy blue that draw her close against her will.

New
His eyes pierce Abigail's very soul, mirroring pools of icy blue that draw her close against her will.

Previous
She cannot resist his charms - they move around her like an invisible force field trapping her in his personal prison.

New
She cannot resist his charms; they move around her like an invisible force field, trapping her in his personal prison.

Plot
I love the consistency of its flow and how intense it is, especially in the first five chapters. The curiosity is also there, and that's a good thing, actually. It will lead your readers to crave more chapters. But in Chapter 3, there's a part that is quite questionable. It was mentioned that Abigail is a claustrophobic person, and she was fainting in that chapter. In the part where the food for them was served, she was not quite well yet, so I was hoping her friend Naomi would help her eat her food. But to my surprise, she dug it up alone without anyone's help, and that is kind of off. How can she recover that fast from a phobia?

Aside from that, the story is flowing quite well, so I don't really have a problem with your plot.

Dialogues
You have executed the speech tag and action tag well in your story. There are instances where you have some errors in your dialogue, but I guess it's just some of your technical mistakes that can be fixed when you decide to revise your story.

Also, the tone of some of your dialogues are kind of off.

You can actually rewrite it like these:

"What do you say when you enter a room filled with people, Abigail?!" my father snapped.

"Who's there?!" said the voice I recognized. Instantly, goosebumps traveled the length of my skin.

Remember that the tone of voice in your story is crucial.

Descriptive Words
I love your choice of words in describing your characters, and it is really a good thing since you are giving your readers some mental images that they will be able to picture out your characters features very well. Good job for that.

Technicalities
I just noticed that you are not putting a punctuation mark whenever you have some words that were written in italic. It is really important to use a punctuation mark, especially in the field of writing. So let us not forget about that. These are some of the italic words in your story with no punctuation mark.

Aside from that, I just noticed some typographical errors and some mistakes that can be corrected if you have time to check and revise your story.

Suggestions
I suggest you research and read about the functions of other punctuation marks aside from the basic one. You can use it to expand your knowledge in writing, and it can be helpful to you as well. Also, I hope you can improve the part I mentioned in your plot as well. No rush just do it in your free time.

Advice
Continue your passion for writing your story. Maybe one day you will bloom, and your stories will get the attention they deserve. Bless your career in the writing community.

I hope this critique of mine helps you a lot. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to read your wonderful work. 😊🌼