Author: geiji09

Here come my reviews about your story. 🌼

I didn’t include your title anymore because I didn’t have any problem with it.

Cover:
One of the most important aspects of grabbing your audience's attention is your book cover. The background you use for your cover is dull and gloomy. It also doesn’t suit the fonts you used; the size and color of your fonts don’t go well with your chosen picture. ‘Yong parang statement mo sa baba sa tapat ng name mo dapat medyo liitan mo pa ‘yong fonts size niya. It is better to choose a color that goes well with your background picture. Para hindi rin masakit sa mata tignan ‘yong book cover mo.

Story Description:
Your description of the story sounds direct and concise, which is a good thing. Another smart technique is to end your description with a question. I compliment you on this section because you did a good job. But allow me to make some suggestions below.

• Instead of 'Her rage never lets her live in peace; wanting her to take revenge,' why not change it into 'Her rage never lets her live in peace; she wants to take her revenge.'

• Also, the comma in Kairo Nagamori's name is unnecessary; consider removing it.

Plot:
You totally nailed this part. The flow was stable, not fast, and not that slow either. Just reading your five chapters makes me want to read more of them. Especially reading the ending of Chapter 5 is such a clip-hanger. Maganda ‘yong plot mo nakakasabik ‘yong mga twist sa kwento at halos ‘yon hindi mo talaga inaasahan. The transitions in your scenes were also amazing. But I have a problem with your change of POV in Chapter 4, I think. The narrative viewpoint is the point of view of an omniscient narrator. Napansin ko kasi na parang p.o.v lang siya ni Renz kapag sinasabi kasi nating from an omniscient narrator viewpoint ibig sabihin alam niya lahat ang mangyayari sa kwento mo not just focusing only for a certain perspective of your character. You should exercise extreme caution while employing several viewpoints in your novel and be familiar with every type of viewpoint that exists as well as how each one might contribute to the plot. Your story's plot can then flow naturally in this way.

Characters:
Since you have a lot of characters, I will only give comments on Dimples and Kairo, your major characters in the story.

Dimples, she seems innocent to me and kind of conservative since she has a lot of things that she hasn’t gotten to experience yet. Napansin ko iyon noong unang encounter nila ni Kairo sa party sa chapter 1 ng kwento mo. I also love her consistent characters and the improvement she has made in chapters 4 to 5.

Kairo seems mysterious to me. Wala siyang masyadong exposure sa kwento mo so far sa five chapters na nabasa ko. Kaya mahirap sabihin kung ano nga ba ang personalidad niya. Main lead mo si Kairo so gives him the attention and exposure he deserves. Mas na-feel ko pa tuloy ang characters ni Renzi kaysa kay Kairo sa kwento. Nagmumukha tuloy na main lead si Renzi.

Technicalities:
Actually, you don’t have that many technical errors and mistakes in your story.

Napansin ko naman na alam mo na ang kaibahan ng ‘ng at nang’, ‘rin at din’, ‘raw at daw’,  at ‘rito at dito’. Kaya wala tayong masyadong problema kasi alam mo na ang kaibahan ng mga iyan.

Sa mga salitang siya, niya, nila, sila, etc. kung maaari kumpleto ang pagkakasulat mo dahil pronoun natin sila sa Tagalog. Hindi kasi tulad sa ingles na may distinction ‘yong pronoun nila sa babae at lalaki, sa ating lengguwahe kasi ay wala. Mas proper kapag ganon since we are talking about writing. Kung sa mga salitang roon, doon, noon, iyan, iyon, etc. ayos lang naman kung hindi kumpleto ang letra nila gaya ng ginawa mo sa kwento mo pero pag-usapang pronoun dapat kumpleto ang pagkakasulat ng letra nila.

Suggestions:
I suggest you strengthen your different points of view. In addition, as Kairo is one of your main characters, I advise you to give him the exposure and focus he merits in the narrative.

Advice:
Keep going with your writing. I wish to see you improve more in this field. Nothing should be rushed. It takes time to write; it doesn't happen instantly. Allow the story to develop and flow in your head. Don't exert any pressure. Bless your writing journey.

I hope this critique of mine helps you a lot. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to read your wonderful work. 😊🌼