When Nicky woke up to three missed calls from Priya, his first thought was:

what the hell could this bitch possibly want?

And after taking his sweet time to fully wake up and call her back, he didn't get any answers. Instead, he was met with one of Priya's infamously deafening "happy screams."

"What the hell was that for?" He demanded, his voice still ridden with sleep and therefore not as intimidating as he would've liked it to be.

She screamed again, but this time Nicky pulled his phone away from his ear so his head wouldn't explode into a million pieces. When he brought it back to his ear, she was already gushing about who knows what.

"Priya. You're not making any sense," he told her.

He heard her take a deep breath, then quietly ask, "what happened on your walk home last night? You're welcome, by the way."

"Nothing of importance. Mostly consisted Jonah being an idiot, but that's not news, is it?" He joked, ignoring the last part of what she said. There was no way he was going to thank her for the cold he surely caught.

"I heard different," she sang. He could hear the smirk in her sickly sweet voice, which made him cringe.

"What'd you hear?"

"Well," she began, "Jonah called me this morning very distraught. He said you like some guy at his school with tan skin and pretty eyes?"

Nicky didn't respond, most likely due to the fact that his jaw was on floor. Distraught? Why was Jonah distraught over the fact that Nicky liked a guy?

"He seemed fine with it, Pri. I didn't think he'd be all weird and homophobic about it," he said, hoping the grogginess of his voice would mask the fear that was creeping up his throat and burrowing in his gut.

Priya paused for a long while before saying, "he's not getting all worked up because you're gay, dumbass. He's freaked out because you like someone and it isn't him."

Nicky furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "It is him."

"I know that, but Jonah doesn't."

"Why would he care if it's him or not?"

"Nicolas, are you actually dumb?"

Nicky shook his head, then realized he was speaking over the phone. "No. I just don't get it," he said.

She whispered something that sounded like 'you're the worst person ever in the world,' before continuing. "He likes you, Nicky! Isn't it obvious?"

Nicky laughed out loud. "Bullshit."

"He was so jealous, he couldn't sleep. He was torn between happy for you and sad for himself and I had to sit through it all," she told him, working her dramatics as usual. "Can't you just tell him and put the poor kid out of his misery?"

"No," Nicky insisted, "no way."

"C'mon. I know you're trying to put up all these walls so you don't get hurt and I get that, but what I'm telling you is nothing bad will happen if you just go for it. Take a chance with him, Nicky. You've got a solid shot."

Nicky was torn. Sure, maybe he had a good shot, but was it worth it? Risking his solid friendship for a possible, short-lived romance? It seemed dumb to him to throw everything away like that, but shit, it was tempting.

It was becoming more and more painful to keep his feelings inside which was an unexpected symptom that went along with having a crush. Before Jonah, he was able to hide any hint of romantic feelings until they vanished, but now, it was like he was a ticking time bomb, and he was set to explode any minute. Honestly, if he had a heart attack in the presence of Jonah, he wouldn't even notice. He'd be more worried about his health if his heart didn't jump into his throat when he laid eyes on his friend.

"Shit, Pri," Nicky sighed. "Why'd you have to do that?"

"Do what?"

"Give me hope that this will go well."

"...So you're gonna tell him?"

Nicky ignored the question, not trusting himself enough to not open his mouth and word vomit something stupid. He'd been doing that a lot lately. "Bye," he said instead, hanging up as another squeal echoed through the receiver.

He then stripped out of his underwear, jumped in the shower, leaned his head against the wall, and screamed over the sound of water rushing past his ears, because what the fuck was he doing?

———————

A few hours later, Nicky strolled as casually as he could into Happy's, freshly showered with a new bruise forming on his bicep because he'd woken up Noah and that little guy was a biter when he was angry. 

Jonah smiled and Nicky physically felt his stomach twist. He swallowed a few curse words and nodded his head in acknowledgment.

"Morning," Jonah greeted after Nicky had walked over to the counter. He didn't want to go into their little hideout— not yet. He needed room to breathe and path cleared to run just in case things went south.

"Hey. How's work been?" Nicky asked because it was the most normal thing he could do.

Jonah shrugged. "Boring."

"Where's Priya?"

"I think in the bathroom," he said, peering over to the restroom door. Priya's head was peaking out of it, but the second she saw the two boys glance over, she pulled her head in and slammed the door shut. Jonah laughed. "She's being weird. The second we saw your car pull up, she basically sprinted to the back."

"Huh," Nicky said through clenched teeth, "weird."

They turned back to look at each other in a few seconds of comfortable silence. Nicky let himself stare, admiring the little blemishes on Jonah's tan skin and the scratch across his jaw that for some reason just made him all the more perfect in Nicky's eyes. One of Jonah's curls had fallen across his face, and he let out a soft laugh that made it fly up from where it rested next to his nose. "What are you staring at?"

"You," Nicky answered without thinking. He quickly added, "obviously, dumbass," in order to save face.

Jonah just laughed again and leaned a little further across the counter, holding himself up on his elbows. He looked at Nicky with hooded eyes, staring through his thick eyelashes, and Nicky nearly melted on the spot.

He obviously didn't have the best control of his mouth right then, which is probably why he whispered, "Jesus Christ, Jonah, you're making me crazy," a little too loud.

Jonah didn't move, but he looked at Nicky with confusion in his brown eyes. "I am?"

        "Yeah."

        "Why?"

"Because..." Nicky began, choosing to look at the pattern on the counter rather than Jonah's entrancing eyes. He decided it was now or never and cleared his throat.

        "Because I like you."

Jonah stared at Nicky, who stared back with furrowed brows and determined eyes, ready to put up a defensive wall between them if Jonah rejected his confession. But after a few seconds of painful silence, Jonah cracked a smile.

"Wait... I'm the smiley, pretty-eyed boy?" He asked with a grin that lit up his eyes and proved all those things Nicky had said about him last night were true. "Me?"

"Yeah, you," Nicky said, letting out a soft laugh of relief. Jonah was taking it well— really well— which made butterflies flutter around his stomach, and for once, he sort of didn't mind them.

"Holy shit," Jonah breathed, his eyes darting all around Nicky's face just as Nicky's had done to his moments before. "This is awesome."

Nicky nodded and Jonah's eyes finally landed on him, widening a second later. "Oh yeah," he quickly added, "I like you too. You're my smiley, pretty-eyed boy. Except you don't smile that much. But you're pretty. Am I doing this right? This has never happened to me before."

Nicky rolled his eyes, silently cursing himself for leaving his navy blue hat at home as his ears burned red. "You're doing great, Jo."

He grinned, bouncing a little as he shifted his weight between his feet. "Gah! This is so cool. So, we like, do something with this now, right? Like we go skating or get dinner or something and it's different? Like in the movies?"

That's when the major fault in Nicky's plan hit him. Sure, he wanted to Jonah to like him back, but he didn't think about what that entailed. Most people would want to go from there and begin to build a brand new relationship, but Nicky didn't want to get stuck in something that was doomed to fail. They were Juniors, which meant they'd be starting college in less than two years. Nicky'd go somewhere far away from his family, and Jonah'd probably be on some sort of national hockey team, and they'd never speak, and they'd ultimately forget about each other's existence.

        That's why Nicky didn't want friends— because everyone left. There would always be an end in a relationship, no matter if it was with a friend or a boyfriend. Nicky stepped out of his comfort zone with Jonah. He didn't even want to start talking to him and now he was too far in, thinking about dating Jonah, and kissing Jonah, and sleeping with Jonah, and spending every day of his life with Jonah, and as incredible as that sounded, he knew one day it would end, and he didn't know how to deal with that kind of heartbreak.

        He needed to put a stop to it before it could even start.

"Nicky?" Jonah asked, his smile fading. "Are you okay?"

No. Nicky wasn't okay. He felt like his throat was slowly closing up and sharp pains were erupting from deep inside his chest. His mouth was stuffed with cotton as he struggled to inhale while he looked at Jonah with so much hope. He felt like he was watching his dreams come true in front of him, but he couldn't escape the feeling that his biggest nightmare was also unfolding right before his eyes.

"Never mind," he blurted out breathlessly, squeezing his eyes shut as he said it like he was shielding himself from Jonah.

it's what's best for us, he assured himself.

Jonah slowly leaned off the table, moving farther away from Nicky. Immediately, he missed the proximity, feeling none of the warmth Jonah emitted onto his cool skin. "What do you mean 'never mind?'"

Nicky stayed quiet, letting his breathing go back to as normal of a pace as it could get. Only, when it did, he felt something new: a dull pain in his throat that felt like he was damming a flood of tears. He swallowed the giant lump, but that didn't make the feeling go away. He didn't understand why he was sad, though. This was what he needed, right?

Suddenly, Jonah let out the smallest gasp and knitted his brows together. He crossed his arms over his chest protectively. "You... it was a joke, wasn't it? You were fucking with me?" He questioned, his voice barely a whisper.

Nicky wanted to deny it— he never wanted Jonah to feel as unsafe as he did around Drew and the other guys— but he knew he couldn't possibly get a word out without letting a tear out with it. So he just continued his silence, staring at Jonah and watching as his eyes welled up.

"I thought you were different," he said, a little louder this time, like he was trying to sound strong, but Nicky didn't miss the little cracks in his voice. Each one made him wince.

"I thought I'd finally made actual friends. I mean, I knew Priya probably only hung out with me out of pity, but I thought you were really it. But you just think I'm a joke, don't you?"

no no no no no! Nicky thought, trying to push the words out of his mouth so he could just assure Jonah that their whole friendship wasn't some prank, but he just couldn't. It was like his body was on lockdown and he was stuck inside, watching everything unfold with no way of stopping it.

"Are you gonna say anything?" Jonah questioned sharply. When he was met with no response, just shook his head sadly.

"Go home."

Nicky didn't budge. He needed his brain to power back up so he could just get his words out and explain.

"Go, Nicky," Jonah demanded, almost pleadingly.

The door jingled and in walked a little old lady, shuffling her way in from the blizzard raging outside, and Jonah hastily wiped under his eyes and gave Nicky one last disappointed glance before turning to the lady with a smile that Nicky could tell wasn't even close to genuine. "Welcome to Happy's!" He said cheerfully.

Nicky shook his head and stuffed his hands in his pockets before speeding out of the store and into the frigid air, finally able to move and breath again. Even when he inhaled the fresh Minnesota air that whipped past his face carrying chunks of snow, the lump in his throat didn't disappear, and he knew it probably wouldn't for a long time.

———————

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