I've been sitting on this draft for a couple months now. I know it's been a year since I last posted something but if I'm being quite honest, it's been a hard year and I'm sure anyone reading this will understand and maybe relate in some way even if it's not how they think.

Because of my parents divorce and lack of my father in my life, I've always struggled with my feelings and how I express them. My mom is my rock, she's an amazing woman and my best friend. I don't know where I would be without her. I used to keep contact with my dad via mail, we would write letters to each other and those were something that I looked forward to every other week when I was younger. Things changed suddenly when a letter I had sent to him got returned- he had moved residences and hadn't communicated that he moved. That was when he cut off all contact with me. I was about ten then, I'm now nearing my eighteenth birthday.

It had hurt me so much to be abandoned like that. I struggle with abandonment and trust issues now because of that. I only discovered years later that he had gotten married again around the time he cut off all contact with me. That was a hard thing to accept. I still am having a hard time accepting that he chose his new marriage over me, his only child. I admit, I do look at his social media pages and he seems to be living a happy life, he looks much happier than he did when he was in contact with me. I know appearances are deceiving and that he could be struggling under the façade of those happy photos but I will never know. It sucks. I recently found out that he has tried to file for custody again and it has honestly angered me beyond reason. Why would he want to have custody over me when he hasn't even tried to reach out to me? I don't have an answer and I'm still yet to have one confirmed to me. I doubt I will ever get an answer for that.

I was looking through conference quotes to try some form of solace to console myself with and saw the one above from President Nelson. It had a very profound feeling overwhelm me. I know that this is my trial and through it, I will grow in many ways but the getting there is still really hard.

I know I'm not alone with feeling this way and I know I'm not the only person in my situation or a situation similar. About half the young women in my ward are also from divorced families and at this past girls camp, I was able to connect and sympathize with them in ways that has honestly really helped me.

Update: I wrote the above in August 2021. It's July 2022 and I can now say my dad is as selfish and narcissistic as they come. He is the kind of person to drop you when you've outlived your purpose to him. I figured that out the hard way this year. He called me back in April and proceeded to waste the next 30 minutes of my valuable time blaming me for my entire life. He's the one who walked out and stayed out. We all make choices and he made his. The phone call got out of hand pretty early on in the conversation and I ended the call when he decided to say I would never get into college. This is coming from a man who dropped out of high school. Needless to say, a miracle happened and I got my dream college acceptance letter the very next day. So pretty much a year after I wrote the spiel before this, I will be attending university next month. Wild.

Honestly had forgotten about this quote until I was scrolling through my drafts and saw this.i have been in desperate need for this since April and it shows in how it has helped me yet again.

Should I put pick this back up? Idk if anyone is still reading it.