It's a beautiful Friday. I sit out back of our home in Scottsdale, and observe how the weather is changing, summer is just arriving, and the kids are packing to leave for Annie's. She will collect them in an hour or so, and then the routine all starts again, work, home, date, ghost, home, work, see friends, home, date, ghost etc etc ...

I would never get used to having an empty house when Annie took the kids back to New York. It felt beyond wrong for them to be so far away from me, Gage was only six, Asher eight and Jameson eleven, and they needed me as much as I needed them, full time. What I got though, was half time, and it would never feel like enough. The worst part about divorce or splitting a family with separation was then having to share your children. No mother ever wanted to share their children. We didn't bring them into the world to only have them fifty percent of the time. It was painful, but the truth was that Jameson would soon start middle school, junior high, and then she would need to be in a more permanent location for her friends, fifty fifty between states wouldn't work... it barely did now. I wasn't looking forward to battling Annie on where the permanent base was. She would fight for New York, she had them enrolled in the best of the best, she lived in a luxury apartment and could offer everything financially that I couldn't. I on the other hand had family in Scottsdale, the kids had normal here, a normal home, a quieter life, and I couldn't afford to live in New York on a coach's salary, but she could easily live here. I didn't think she would make it that easy for me though.

Annie clearly still hated me for the separation and imminent divorce, and although she couldn't agree to giving me more, or allowing me to find myself again with work and some independence...she still wanted me to be hers. I think Annie hoped I would just give up, and that I wouldn't ever take what I wanted, but she was wrong. The day I got my job and made moves away from her, she realised this separation was permanent, and indeed that I was serious.

"Morgan you're not actually going back to Arizona" she had asked, as if it was a revelation she had not seen coming.

"You know I am" I had said packing my bags. I had hired help to clear everything I owned from our apartment, and they had just left with the last load, ready to take my life in boxes back home.

"Morgan I forbid it" she shouted, coming around the bed and reaching for my arm "this separation has been a fun little game for you but this isn't permanent. I don't intend to let you actually leave me..." she says, looking to me defiantly.

I look into her pained eyes and shake my head whilst tugging my arm from hers. "Annie you knew my plan. I've been nothing but honest with you. I told you I had to go back... my job starts in a month I have to get the house sorted for the kids and check out the schools for them"

"Our children should stay here. Morgan we both agreed the schools here provided them with a much better start which is why we always come back to New York for schooling"

I shake my head and place the last of my bedside table contents into the bag on the bed "Annie our children will not be staying in New York when I am in Arizona... you are insane if you think I'm leaving them" I say unbelievably.

"Then don't leave Morg... please... Morgan I love you... I don't want this anymore" she says taking my arm and pulling me back around, her hand running up the side of my neck, caressing my jaw, whilst her thumb ran over my cheekbone "Morgan" she whispers "you are mine" she says as if I am her possession that she doesn't want to give away. She leans forward and kisses me, her right hand pulling me against her, but I push back and stop her "Annie stop doing this to me... its painful"

I turn back to zip up the hold-all on the bed and she lets out an exasperated breath behind me "Morgan you are my wife" she says, as if I have forgotten.

"How could I forget" I say turning back to her agitatedly "Annie you have made me feel like garbage for the last year for that entire thing with Willa. I have been desperately trying to make this work because I love you...but it's like you've enjoyed me begging for you. You've thrived off of me having to chase you to come back to this marriage, and love me again, and I am exhausted... because despite me trying to make this work...you won't give me the one thing I need in return"

"Morgan that's not true... I just wanted you to prove you loved me as much as you loved her, and you did. I know it now, and I'm sorry. I won't make you feel that way anymore" she begs.

"So you will move back to Arizona with me and let me coach again?" I ask her directly.

She looks annoyed by that as if I am being childish to want it for myself. She pushes her straight brown hair behind her ears, the tips of which sit against her jaw, a stylish cut. She looks to me again, another look of irritation "Morgan I am not slumming it back in Arizona full time just so you can take a job that pays a pittance to prove a fucking point that you are independent from me. You don't need to work Morg. I provide you with everything! Everything! Why are you doing this?" She asks again "please stay here and let's work this out... I could find you a job in my company if you want one. I'm pretty sure there must be a position that needs filling in one of the galleries"

Honestly, it's this moment that I knew she never listened to me at all, because if she did she would have known this wasn't about working. It was about returning to a passion of mine, coaching my girls and making a difference.

"Morgan" she says again taking my face in her hands a little forcefully "I did not marry you to let you leave me like this over a fucking job"

I feel angry tears behind my eyelashes at the way she was trying to control this end. She wanted to make me the bad guy for wanting more. How dare I ask for one thing after all these years together, and all of the love we had shared, how the fuck dare I!

"Let me go" I beg, and I take her hands and force them away from my cheeks, my tears running quickly down to my chin.

"I won't sign those divorce papers Morg... you are my wife and I don't want it. I want you, and I'm not about to let you go because I know you will be back in a few months...realising your mistake"

I hike the hold-all over my shoulder and turn back to her before leaving the room "I won't be Annie... and one day it will be you who realises your mistake... that if you had just given me room to have a dream like you do, to be a team with me, we would still be very much together... and that's on you not me. I won't apologise for wanting one thing for myself, and you should never have made me feel like I should. I'm sorry it's ended this way. Annie I do love you, so much, but I'm not prepared to give up me, for you, when you won't even move an inch for me, not a fucking inch Annie"

I look to her pained expression. She has tears in her eyes. We just stand in the silence for a moment, because she knows all of that is true, and she still won't fight for me, to keep me. She just wants me to fight, for her, and to hand myself back to her with my tail between my legs.

***
"Mom" Jamesons voice carries out to the yard. I had lost myself for a moment as I watched the wind whip up the ash trees on our bordering property.

"Out here" I call, turning back to the sliding door as she appeared, her blonde hair whipping up in the breeze as she forced it back behind her dark rimmed glasses "what is it my love" I ask.

She slumps into the chair beside me. She's eleven but looks about fourteen, and I hated that for her, that she had been born with the shine, because although to me she was my beautiful little girl, I knew it would soon impact her, and I hoped slightly differently to me. I hoped people saw her for more than her looks, and that she didn't get ogled at more than she was listened to, and I hoped beyond hope that she didn't receive any of the wrong attention before she was ready, and a lot older. "Jamie what's wrong" I ask stroking her cheek.

She looks to me unusually solemn "mom I don't want to go to New York this time... I want to stay here. I have my friends here now, and I don't like the ones in New York anymore they are all mean" she confesses.

I pull her against me and wrap my arm around her shoulder, leaning my head against hers "I know it's hard and it's not ideal but I promise I will talk to mommy about having our arrangement change next year. I know this hasn't been easy, but you have been such a little soldier about it all my sweet girl .." I say stroking her arm "and I am so proud of you for being so good about it all and helping me with your brothers..."

She looks up to me as I sit back a little, her deep blue eyes lifting a little with a gentle smile "Thanks mom... I try..." she says "but I don't like leaving you alone here either"

I smile and stroke her fair hair "oh my love I'm not lonely...please don't worry about me okay" I urge.

She takes a breath "are you dating anyone" she asks abruptly.

I squint at that question, and at her, because that seemed a little left field "why do you ask that" I ask.

She looks over the yard away from me "mommy asked, and I didn't know" she confesses.

My eyes roll up in agitation. Annie was asking my eleven year old if I was dating, wonderful! I didn't want her to know, even if I was, because she was dragging out this divorce as it was, and dancing around signing it. Annie didn't want to release me from her, and it was evident. So if she knew I was dating, my god if she knew I was intimate with other women... she would be furious, and most probably heartbroken. What I would get then was the anger and the retribution. I didn't want my divorce to be harder then it had to be or for either of us to suffer anymore pain. I did still love her, these handover days were hard, seeing her again was painful but we were at an impasse and we had to move on.

"I'm not dating, Jamie" I say, trying to sound confident about it. She shrugs because she didn't even care. This was a question for Annie, not one she cared about the answer to herself.

"Can I just use your mac mom so I can check my IG... my phone is on charge for the trip"

I nod "of course" I say sliding it over the table top and into her hands "knock yourself out" I say walking into the house to check on Asher and Gage.

Asher is watching a cartoon on the TV, spread out comfortably with his legs resting on the arm. I walk over and tickle his feet "mom" he moans whipping them away from me.

I smile and lean down to ruffle his hair "you okay my prince" I ask.

He looks to me briefly before returning his attentions to the TV "I'm watching a good bit" he says annoyed by my presence.

I lean down and kiss his forehead "okay" I say pretending to sulk.

He looks up bright eyed, and jumps up onto his knees before throwing his arms around my neck "I love you silly" he says.

I squeeze him, not wanting to let him go, because I was quite aware my Asher was growing up, and he wouldn't snuggle his mom like this for too much longer without a battle for his affections. "I love you too" I say as he jumps back down into his comfy position "where is gage" I ask.

He points upward "packing" he replies.

I turn and head up the stairs slowly until I am in the doorway of the boys room. Gage my youngest is sitting amongst his favourite possessions, looking a little stumped. I sit down beside him and cross my legs imitating his position "what is it G boy" I ask.

He looks to me puzzled "mom I'm just not sure what to take this time... do I take Otto" he says holding up his stuffed bear "or do I take Mo" he says pointing to his stuffed monkey he had had since birth.

"Take them both" I suggest, picking up Mo and running my hand over his well loved exterior. "I cant take both" he says as if that was a silly thing to suggest.

I look to him a little stumped "why" I ask.

He looks up with his blues on mine "because you need to keep one for company" he says, and he hands me Otto, and takes Mo from my hand "there take Otto, he will keep you company at night and you can hug him and pretend he's me" he suggests.

I literally melt on the spot "oh Gage" I say placing my hand on his fair hair "I love you so much, but honestly if you want to take Otto I will be okay"

He shakes his head and zips his backpack up with Mo hanging out of the top. "No mom keep him so i know you are safe" he says, and honestly this killed me, my children all worrying I was alone, they did it every time and it broke my heart.

I lean down and kiss his brow "I love you so much" I whisper.

He leans into me "love you too mom"

I slowly stand up "now come down where I can keep an eye on you... mommy will be here soon" I remind him, and he stands and follows me back out.

"Mom" Jameson calls again.

I roll my eyes and head back out onto the back deck "yes my love" I ask.

She looks up from the screen "who is Leah and why does she think you are ghosting her" she asks confused.

My eyes widen as I move across the deck and swivel the laptop round "Jamie why are you reading my messages"

She shrugs "it was just open in a tab and it's like nine months old... I wondered why you hadn't opened it"

"Oh god will she see I've read this now" I ask.

Jameson nods "yep" she says matter of factly.

"Jamie why is there a heart on that last message..." I ask.

She laughs "i hearted it" she admits mischievously.

I drop down into the seat beside her and deflate onto the table, my head in my hands "Jamie why would you do that" I ask, looking back up and peering at the screen through my hands.

"Shes typing something" Jameson observes.

My heart begins to race "oh no... she's typing?" I ask her.

Jameson nods "yep here it comes" she says as a little bell rings.

I slam the screen down before reading it "mom" Jameson moans "read it" she begs "I want to know what she said"

I look to her curiously "why"

She smiles "because I think she might like you mom... and I checked out her profile... she's famous" she says in amazement "Where did you meet her"

I shake my head "I'm not discussing this with you... she's a friend is all that I met at aunty Teddys wedding"

"Ahh" she says as if it all made sense.

Asher comes out "mom can I have a popsicle" he asks.

I nod and point to the refrigerator "yes but only one"

I feel my laptop slide away from me as I turn back, and the screen is lifted as Jameson laughs "what did she say" I ask taking it back and looking to the message thread, none of it I had even seen before now, and that last message Jameson had hearted.

L- Are you ghosting me Morgan Keaton?
❤️

L- did you just spend nine months ghosting me to then return and heart the fact you are ghosting me...

L- Savage! 👻

"Oh god" I moan against my hand that is pressed to my mouth. I look at her message. Jamie leans over and hearts that last one before I can even register her movement.

"Jameson that is not funny" I say slamming down the screen and throwing the mac like a frisbee. It lands with a splash in our pool and Jameson looks to me wide eyed "mom you are insane. That's not going to erase any of it you know... Leah is still somewhere replying and it will still exist when you buy a new mac..."

"Are you having a breakdown" Annie asks, coming around the side of the house where she had clearly noticed the tail end of the mac splashing into the pool.

Just what I needed, Annie showing up when I hadn't even finished this conversation with Jamie. "No" I say standing and pushing my chair in "go get your bags my love and tell your brothers that mommy is here"

She stands and hugs me, leaning up on tippy toes "don't be a ghost" she whispers into my ear, and she looks back to me and winks before leaving me outside with Annie.

I nervously glide my hands down my thighs and look to her "how are you" I ask.

She walks over slowly "I'm okay" she replies, looking me up and down, her eyes lingering a little too long on my body "I love you in these delicate little play suits... you look beautiful" she says reaching out and softly rubbing her fingers over the frill of the trimmed edge on my thigh.

"Annie" I complain, stepping back a little.

"Cant I appreciate my wife..." she asks.

I shake my head "ex wife" I correct.

She smiles as she looks to me affectionately "nothing ex about it Morgan... you are still very much my wife, and I really want you to stay that way" she whispers, coming closer. Her finger tips barely graze the flesh of my arm before the kids came out and she drops her hand away.

"Mommy" the boys shout excitedly running into her arms. She kisses them and holds them tightly "here, go get in the car..,I just want to speak with mom a minute" she asks, and they look to me.

I drop down onto my heels and pull them against me, my hand stroking the backs of their heads as I place kisses on their noses and foreheads "mom we will miss you but it's not long okay, and we will be back. We have face time" Asher promises.

Gages lip wobbles a little and I lift him as I stand, and hold him against myself  "it's okay" I say soothingly, running my hand down his back.

"But mom I will miss you" he says through tears.

I try and hold back my own, so that I don't upset him more "I know but when you miss me you hug Mo for me and I will hug Otto for you, and it will be as if we are hugging each other like you are with me and I am with you"

He smiles and wipes his tears away. "Promise" he asks.

I place my little finger around his "pinky promise" I say, placing him back down.

"Love you mom" Jameson says hugging me tight before disappearing with the boys to the car.

"Love you" I call after them again.

Annie looks back to me "it never gets easier to have them leave does it" she asks. I shake my head as the tears roll down my cheeks "Morgan please come back home" she asks me again like she always did.

"Annie sign the divorce papers...please just let me go" I beg.

She shakes her head "I can't...I love you" she says reaching for me and bringing me into her arms.

"Then move here and make it work with me" I ask.

She leans forward and lifts my chin, kissing me, and it's familiar and inviting, and so I let her. I let her hands take my hips as she runs them up my sides, pulling me too her a little as the kiss deepens, but my mind begins to whirl with all of the reasons she shouldn't have me. I push away. Her hands let go of my body and her lips break away from mine. "Stop doing this to me Annie... if you aren't coming ... stop trying to stop me from moving on" I say defiantly.

She licks her lips "Moving on" she asks "are you dating someone" she questions, looking annoyed.

I shake my head "of course not but I could if I wanted to because we are separated" I remind her.

She runs her hand through her hair with irritation "Morgan I can't bear the thought of you being with someone else" she confesses getting upset at the thought.

I feel guilty when I shouldn't do, because I didn't want it to be like this... I wanted her to find her peace, because I was finding mine. I was enjoying discovering me as an individual and I wanted that for her too, because she was forcing us to stay in this in between and it wasn't good for either of us. We needed to make it official and go separate ways.

"Let's talk when I bring the kids back... a dinner ... we can discuss everything"

I nod "okay" I give in. "A talk is long overdue"

She leans over and kisses my cheek. "I love you Morg" she whispers.

I go silent, finding it harder to say it now, because it felt like the wrong thing to do. "See you in eight weeks... make sure they FaceTime me every day" I ask, tearing up as she walks away.

Annie would return the children after summer break, and I would just have to miss them, and keep myself busy so it didn't feel like a knife twisting into my heart every damn day.

I walk over to the pool and look down to the silver rectangle at the bottom of it "what am I going to do about you" I say mindlessly into the pool, but it is not the mac I am addressing, it is Leah Mitchell and that opened inbox, an invitation offered to interact, by my eleven year old, that I now couldn't ignore for appearing rude. "Raaaah" I scream and I turn back to the house to grab my keys I had to go buy a new laptop, and start considering how to keep this brief and to the point without hurting her feelings. I was not looking for a relationship or a redo of our hookup, and even though it had been incredible... I needed Leah to not become a thing.

I didn't bet on her reply though or how it would make me feel.