It was a week until Christmas and Annie was arriving today to pick up the kids to fly back for Christmas break. We had the bags packed by the front door, and I should have been going with them now but I had decided to stay back until the last moment. I would arrive Christmas Eve and we would spend the day and night together for Christmas. The week after I would stay in the city. Initially my desire to stay home a little longer was to avoid being with Annie for two weeks. I didn't think it was a great idea, things were still so fresh and it perhaps wouldn't be the best for either of us to be stuck together for that amount of time. Even if it was for the kids. The kids would be happy enough for a week of Mom time. They would probably appreciate that it wasn't two weeks, especially if we weren't getting on or things felt strained. The second reason I was happy to hang back was because I had a little plan. I had gone over and over what I would get Leah for Christmas when all I knew she really wanted, was me, in the flesh. So, with the house empty and the kids with Annie I did something I thought I would never do again. I invited a woman into my home. Not just any woman, Leah. I had just this minute sent the text and the email. My gift to her was a ticket to see me, that she could use at any time if she wasn't free this week. I had no idea if she was. I just hoped she would be.

M- Your Christmas present is waiting in your emails... 🎅🏼 It's open so you can come anytime , but if you are free right this second... then know I am too... and quite alone. But no pressure. I will see you soon either way 💕

L- thats mysterious ... lemme go check!

L- Morgan I don't know what to say 😮

M- Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

L- it's ... a...I'm halfway through packing a bag and will be there tonight thing... 😍

M- you will?! Leah I almost lost half a year off of my life waiting for that reply.... 😍 💕

L- So ... tonight then?! Shall I book a hotel?

M- no I have a bed that's more than big enough for two and if you want a bed to yourself I have two guest rooms. But I can't promise you will wake up alone, because I feel like I might not want to let you go once I get my hands on you. I haven't snuggled anyone but my kids in far too long 😘

L- Would Annie be okay with me staying there?

M- Annie said no dates here with the kids and I agreed to that, it's respectful, but I never agreed to no dates at the house at all, because this is my house. She hasn't lived here in way over a year and she never did spend much time here even before that. This has always been my house. Our New York apartment has always been more hers. So please don't waste another second thinking about Annie, she won't even know you were here anyway, it's not as if I would mention it.

L- got it! I guess I will see you around seven...I can't believe I get to see you tonight, it's been so long... six months... God... I love you!

M- see you around seven Perseus 💫 this is going to feel the longest day waiting on you 😘

L- And the longest flight in history... but at-least my destination is finally you 😍✈️ Andromeda

***
"Mom, why are you smiling like that" Jamie asks as she walks into the kitchen to find me looking like a love sick fool at my phone "no reason" I say popping back up to a standing position, and pushing my phone into my back pocket.

"Is it Leah" she asks randomly.

I frown at her "I thought you had forgotten about that"

She walks over to sit at the table beside me. I slip into the seat opposite and admire her fly away blonde hairs at her temple. I reach out to smooth them back with my fingers "mom" she groans, pushing my hand away like the teenager she was becoming "I didn't forget... I just didn't know whether to mention it again incase you threw another mac in the pool" she says looking to me teasingly.

I roll my eyes "you won't ever let me forget that will you"

She looks to me amused, her eyes lighting up and her cheeks lifting "Jameson you are my heart, you know that don't you... you and your brothers are it for me, anyone else who comes along, they are the icing on the cake... but you guys are the reason I get up in the morning. I will never not put you first. So if it's not okay for me to date yet thats okay my love... just talk to me and let me know how you feel. Say I wanted to date Leah officially... let me know how that makes you feel... it doesn't have to be now but when you are ready to talk about it"

"Mom of course you can date... if you had someone I wouldn't always be so worried about leaving you behind. If anything Leah or whomever she is would be helping me out" she says quite by surprise.

"Oh... I thought you were hesitant about it. I didn't realise you were ready to throw me at the nearest woman who did a double take at me...for the company"

"Mom go date, be happy, mommy is" she reveals.

I sit back almost immediately, taken back by that revelation. "She is?" I ask. "Dating?" I confirm.

Jamie nods and her dark blue eyes study me "she has this woman she's seeing. I don't think she knows I know but I see her turn up in the evening when we are in bed. The town car drops her in and then picks her up in the morning before she thinks we are awake"

I don't know how to feel, it's kind of like someone has punched me in the guts, not just because it's my first taste of our child seeing Annie with someone else but also because she has been insistent on me not having anyone around the kids or dating at all. Yet she has a play thing to her house when the kids are home. I was infuriated with her, the double standards. My god Annie...

"What is she like this woman" I ask out of curiosity.

"That's the thing mom... she looks just like you... well not as pretty as you mom, not at all but she's like you. She wears similar clothes and she has the same hair. When I first saw her in the dark I thought it was you coming and that's why I got out of bed and sneaked out to see. When she walked out of the elevator I realised it wasn't you... and she's young too... like college young mom"

"God" I whisper shaking my head. How could Annie be so careless that my teen daughter was now telling me the ins and out of her dating life with this mysterious blonde girl, who was clearly a booty call. Annie took some lectures at the college on art and business. I had no doubt she picked her up there, trading me in for a younger model by the sounds of it. Now doubt she was a girl who had fallen under her spell, and was now massaging her ego. I wasn't jealous. I was just processing. I really didn't want her back, mentally, I had come to terms with that, but all the fiddly bits of divorce and separation still linger, the firsts, the letting go, the separating of lives, of friends and family, the bonds that kind of changed and morphed as the months progressed and your heart tried to heal from the trauma of a piece of it ripping away forever. When you add children to divorce and over a decade of marriage, it gets messier. The moat around it, it needs a larger drawbridge to cross on over and it takes years to build it before eventually one day, you place the last slat of wood and it lowers and you take your first steps onto the solid land. Safe and sure footing. The world outside of your little world together, the one you have longed to be apart of, you make it, arriving safely. Your heart is still pumping, life is still worth living whether you've told yourself for a year it's not, the kids are happier and so are you. Yes that's where I wanted to be... and I was so close... so close I could almost touch it.

I wish when I look back now, that I knew on this day right here, the day Leah was due, the day Annie came to get the kids, I wish I knew she had eyes on me all the time. I wish I knew how this was all about to implode so I could have stopped it in its tracks. I wished I could have saved myself so much pain, pain I didn't know how to work through again. Leah, I should never have got involved with her. The whole thing just ... it was about to be taken by Annie and destroyed, because after all, if she couldn't have me, nobody could.

***
"Mom, here's Mo" Gage says handing me his stuffed and well loved monkey "make sure he's in bed with you so you can hug him when you go to sleep"

I smile and drop down to his level, wrapping my arms around him and kissing his forehead "I love you my little G man... and I will be with you in six short days okay... just in time for Santa. I can't wait"

"Don't be late mom okay... Santa won't wait for you"

"I won't honey... now give me your best death grip" I ask as he leaps at me sending me back onto the floor, laughing, with him hugging me tightly on top of me. I tap his back trying to catch my breath through the laughter.

Annie opens the door in-front of us, she looks down and shakes her head "what do we have here" she asks.

I look up to her "death grip"

She smiles and reaches down for my hand, helping me up to my feet as Gage laughs and jumps up "that was the best one yet mommy did you see"

"I sure did Gage" she says "but remember in wrestling you have to go quick... take them by surprise... more like this for the take down..." and she moves so quickly I don't see it coming. Her hands take me, grip controlled, as she flips me around and manipulates my limbs with hers until I'm lowered to the floor and she comes down on top of me. Her hands hold mine down so I can't move and my shoulders are flat to the ground "count it out Gage" she asks.

He is excited to see his mommy's moves "yes mommy... one...two...three" he slowly calls as Annie holds me down. Her stare is a taunting one as my chest rises and falls with apprehension underneath her "this is called the straddle Gage... a great take down" she says smirking at me with that look of "I have you right where I want you and there's nothing you can do about it"

"Go get your brother and sister and we can get going" she says, not breaking eye contact with me.

"Sure mommy" he says taking off running down the hall.

"Well you've had your fun... now get off" I ask.

She slowly shakes her head "no... I've missed this... having you under me..." and her eyes wonder over me, hungrily so. Her thoughts easily read by the way she licks her lips. "Morgan you are like a drug I just can't quit... nobody makes me feel like you do..."

"Annie" I say struggling against her hands at my wrists "let me go" I demand.

She leans down so her lips are inches from my own. I turn my face away from her "why don't you go home to your college student and pin her down... I'm sure she's still thankful for the way you throw her around. I bet she loves it..."

Annie releases one of my wrists and turns my face back to her, with her hand on my jaw instead, forcing my eyes back to hers "what are you talking about" she asks confused.

I try and shake my head against her tight grip but it's impossible to move without hurting myself "Jameson, our daughter. She saw a girl coming and going, at night, and leaving first thing... our child witnessing your fucking booty calls Annie. You have the audacity to dare tell me not to date around our children, when you bring play things home like that... and what happened to the girl on the west coast who wanted to be your girlfriend"

"Oh" she realised.

I am furious. I reach for her shoulder with my free hand to push her off of me and she instead fights my arm back down and holds me back in place "she means nothing to me Morgan I swear... she's just a distraction...and the girl on the west coast was just a weekend fling" she promises.

I feel tears prick my eyes "Annie I don't care what she is to you... she could be the next wife for all I care but do not have these women there with our children. Be a normal person and get a baby sitter and go out and date or get a damn hotel... or fuck her over your desk at your gallery... I do not care... just don't let the kids see these girls if they are not permanent"

"You know just what to say to hurt me don't you... yes I will make sure to keep her away from home. No, she is not my next wife because you are very much still my wife Morgan, and to be honest...I still haven't figured out how to let you go yet...or if I can"

"Oh you can" I say firmly " and you will Annie... I am moving on" I announce.

She raises an eyebrow, her grip against my wrists tightens to the point i wince"that hurts" I say through gritted teeth. "How can you move on and I can't" I ask "how is that fair"

She lets me go and sits up, still straddling my waist "I've not moved on Morgan... I'm just sleeping with someone..."

"What would you say if I was just sleeping with someone?" I ask.

She looks agitated "I would say that person is a dead woman walking..."

I take that moment to push her off of me and scramble to my feet as the kids finally come loudly chatting and laughing up the hallway.

"Why are you on the floor Mommy" Asher asks.

Gage smiles at us both "they were wrestling" he announces. Asher looks surprised.

Jamie raises her eyebrows at us, as Annie stands "I don't want to know" she says hiking her bag up onto her shoulder.

I straighten myself out and feel a throb against my wrist. She actually left red marks. I ignore it and kiss the kids goodbye, having a million cuddles before they roll their luggage to the door "see you Christmas Eve my loves" I say as they walk out the door looking back to me lovingly "love you mom" they call back.

Annie turns at the door, looking back to me "don't bring a Christmas present Morg... just wrap yourself in a pretty pink bow and hand yourself over to me ... you are all I want... nothing more, nothing less"

"I can tell you with absolute certainty that I will not be wrapped when you open that door but I will be expecting my divorce papers signed and under your tree... and why not wrap those in a pink bow and we can call this done"

"With absolute certainty ... no" she rebuffs and she blows me a kiss "see you at Christmas honey" she says overly sweetly and she winks at me.

Annie had somehow turned this divorce or lack of into a game of cat and mouse, and she seemed to be getting off on it. Last time I saw Annie at thanksgiving she said we would put the children first, that we could live in the city quite harmoniously co parenting and it wasn't a ploy to keep me. She seemed to be more settled and calm, and now I was being pinned to the floor and teased... I felt like she wouldn't be happy until she had driven me insane and wrapped me round a tree in confusion until I fell down dizzy.

I think it was most probably time I consulted my dad, he was a lawyer and would know what I could do.

***
"Hi dad" I say walking through the bedroom with fresh sheets in hand, phone pressed to my ear.

"Hello Morg what's up" he asks "you never call at this time"

"I wanted to ask you a divorce question" I ask.

He groans a little "I really didn't want to get involved"

"Well I am your daughter and so you already are... dad she won't sign the divorce papers or respond to the petition of divorce"

"It doesn't matter" he returns.

I frown. "What do you mean?" I ask

"It's coming up on a year isn't it? That you had her served with them?" He asks.

I nod to myself "yes in a month it will be... I left after Christmas and she was served a month or six weeks later"

"Then you can request a default divorce... get your lawyer to file a request to enter a default divorce...the court will set a hearing date for you. Annie will get the date sent to her too... and it's in the judges hands to listen to the evidence and grant it"

"Okay.., thanks Dad" I say, dumping the sheets on the bed and sitting down.

"I think Annie will most likely contest it though Morg if she's not signing now... but it doesn't mean she can hold it off forever. It is still in your best interest to settle this amicably for the children"

"I know dad... I just feel suffocated to be in this place with her..."

"I know my love, but this is a little more complicated, you have property together, there is the division of the community estate and then the custody of the children to consider. Put in the for the default divorce, your requests for spousal support, property division and custody arrangements of the children and then wait and see if she responds. She has to by a certain date or the default divorce is granted in your favour... and I'm pretty sure she's going to have something to say. It's natural to have mediation to sort out the custody arrangements and the division of the estate, there's a lot to consider and go over. If anything this will make her see you are serious and she will be forced to respond to you in a legal manner"

I lay back on the bed and take a big dramatic intake of breath "oh dad this is a nightmare" I respond finally.

"Are you sure it's over, that there is no saving it?" He asks.

I turn my head to look out at the rain coming down outside. "I'm sure" I respond "it's all gone too far" I say looking to the red marks on my wrists.

Annie had always been a little rough, mostly it was sexual. She had always been like that, and like I said, when we first got together, I liked it. I loved it. I think I thrived off of the way she took hold of me then, and to be honest for a long time. I liked to know with certainty how much she wanted me, and it was a-lot and intense, and I never had to doubt it ever. Her love was just as intense, it was comforting in a strange way, after a few failed relationships to have a partner who held on so tight to me. For fear of losing me. I had only wished Willa had held on as tight, and there you have it, a scar of a past love that led me into this thing with Annie in a perhaps unhealthy way. I gulp and run a finger over the red marks against my wrist and I wonder when it was that Annie's love for me and her desire to call me her own, became this toxic. When was it she began to restrain me... restraints that were not just physical but mental too. It doesn't matter how long a past relationship is, the scars last, they linger into new relationships and sometimes they lead you to a new partner because you either see them in them. Or they are so opposite, you are attracted to that, and overlook the red flags. Honestly, does it ever end?! Love... sucks. And yet here I am... making up the bed and getting giddily excited for Leah to arrive, because it wouldn't matter how much you got burned from love, when it came knocking, you most always answer, humans are programmed like that, to crave it, to desire it, and to dream of it. We all want it deep down, to feel loved, to be cared for, to have company on this road called life, and to have a partner... to call our own.

Love came knocking and I reluctantly opened the door....

***

"Leah" I greet as the door opens, a smile and relief flooding through me to see her face, and to have her in the flesh. My eyes wonder over her, she looks adorable, in bleached jeans, a chequered mustard coloured flannel shirt and white t shirt under it. She has white sneakers on, her long hair ran down her chest, in waves, and she looked so good. A welcomed sight. She holds out some flowers, a beautiful bouquet and I take them and lean down to inhale them. "Thank you" I say sighing.

She smiles lovingly and reaches out to stroke my cheek, not as paralysed by me this time. Her confidence in me was welcomed. I wasn't here to play, and this time she knew I wanted her. I loved her. 

"Hi" she says affectionately and she erases the space between us.

My hand drops down to my side as she runs hers around my waist and her lips press gently to mine. The flowers drop from my fingers to the floor as I open my mouth to her kiss. It deepens instantly. My hand reaches up to cup her cheek, the caresses were soft and tentative and the sensations that run down my arms and into my belly from each gentle brush, so gentle I almost sigh. They are coming in waves. I am overcome. If a kiss could make you float away from your body it was this one, a dreamy and perfect reunion.

Leah Mitchell had arrived, and my day and my week were about to be made much much better. This was a week I wouldn't ever forget... and when it all flipped weeks later, I would wonder if I dreamed it all up. I would wonder if it had ever been real or if I had just been so desperate to escape Annie, I made her up. I saw what I wanted to see and it was all just an illusion.

Leah rocked my world... so hard that this time when the ride came to a sudden stop, it wouldn't just hurt, it would inflict injury.

The lesson this time, keep the door closed...

***

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