CHAPTER FORTY-ONE:

Bella's POV:

After my breakdown the night before, the morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, at least a measure of control, some acceptance. Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be part of me now. Time would make it easier- that's what everyone said. But I didn't care if time healed me or not, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be happy again.

When I woke up, there was no disorientation. I opened my eyes- finally dry- and met Edward's anxious gaze. "Hey." I said. My voice was hoarse and I cleared my throat. He didn't answer. He watched me, looking like he was waiting for it to start again.

"I'm fine." I told him, promised him, "that won't happen again." His eyes tightened at my words. "I'm sorry you had to see that," I said, needing to get it all out, "that wasn't fair to you."

He put his hands on either side of my face, and his golden eyes bore deep into mine. "Bella... are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain-" His voice broke on the last word.

But I had known worse pain. The pain of thinking I'd never see him again. I reached up and touched his lips.

"Yes." I said, simply.

"I don't know..." His brow creased. "If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the right thing for you?"

"Edward, I know who I can live without."

"But..." he began, and I shook my head, interrupting him.

"You don't understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me, if that's what's best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It's the only way I can live."

He stilled looked dubious. I should have never let him stay with me last night, I think, morosely. But I had needed him so much... "Hand me that book, will you?" I asked, pointing over his shoulder. His eyebrows pulled together in confusion, but he gave it to me quickly.

"This again?" he asked, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"I just wanted to find this one part I remembered... to see how she said it..." I flipped through Wuthering Heights, finding the page I wanted easily. The corner was dog-eared from the many times I'd stopped here. "Cathy's a monster, but there were a few things she got right," I muttered. I read the lines quietly, mostly to myself. "If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger." I nodded, again to myself. "I know exactly what she means. And I know who I can't live without."

Edward took the book from my hands and flipped it across the room- it landed with a light thud on my desk, as he wrapped his arms around my waist. A small smile lit his perfect face, though worry still lined his forehead.

"Heathcliff had his moments, too," he said. He didn't need to book to get it word perfect. He pulled me closer and whispered in my ear, "I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!"

"Yes," I said quietly. "That's my point."

"Bella, I can't stand for you to be miserable. Maybe-"

"No Edward," I interrupted him, sternly, "I've made a real mess of things, and I'm going to have to live with that. But I know what I want and what I need... and what I'm going to do now."

"What are we going to do?" Edward asked. I smiled just a bit at his correction, and then I sighed.

"We are going to see Alice."

-

Alice was on the bottom porch step of the mansion, too hyper to wait for us inside. She looked like she was about to break into a celebration dance, she was so excited about the news she knew I was there to deliver.

"Thank you Bella!" She sang, as we got out of the truck.

"Hold it, Alice," I warned her, lifting a hand up to halt her glee, "I've got a few limitations for you."

"I know, I know, I know. I only have until August thirteenth at the latest, you have veto power on the guest list and if I go overboard on anything, you'll never speak to me again."

"Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You know the rules, then." I say, before frowning slightly. "Where's Hermione?"

"Sleeping." Alice said.

"Past seven?" I asked, actually shocked. Even when we were kids, Hermione always got up at seven- she was more reliable then an alarm clock.

"I know, right? It's almost ten." Alice smiled.

"Jeez," I muttered, shaking my head.

"What can I say," Alice said, flashing me and Edward a somewhat evil grin, "I wore her out last night." I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, and I had to fight hard not to sputter. Alice laughed and laughed at our expressions- I'm guessing Edward looks scandalized.

Once she's finally finished having fun at our expense, she smiled at me. "Do you want to see your dress?" I had to take a few deep breaths. Whatever makes her happy, I said to myself.

"Sure." Alice's smile was smug. "Um Alice," I added, working hard to keep my tone casual and unruffled, "when did you get me a dress?" It probably wasn't much of a show, seeing as Edward squeezed my hand, giving me a sympathetic look.

Alice gave me a look as she led the way inside, heading for the stairs. "These things take time, Bella," she sniffed, her answer purposefully evasive, "I mean, I was sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility-"

"When?" I interrupted her.

"Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know," she said, her tone defensive now. "Fabric masterpieces don't happen overnight. If I hadn't thought ahead, you'd be wearing something off the rack!" It didn't look like I was going to get a straight answer, so I moved on to my next question.

"Per-who?"

"He's not a major designer, Bella, so there's no need to throw a hissy fit," she said, rolling her eyes, "he's got promise, though, and he specializes in what I needed."

"I'm not throwing a fit." I tell her.

"No... no you're not." She eyed my calm face suspiciously then, as we walked into her room, she turned on Edward. "You- out."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Bella!" she groaned, "you know the rules! He's not supposed to see the dress till the day of!" I took another deep breath.

"It doesn't matter to me. And you know he's already seen it in your head. But if that's how you want it..." she shoved Edward back out the door. He didn't even look at her- his eyes were on me, wary, afraid to leave me alone. I smiled at him, hoping that my expression was tranquil enough to reassure him. Then Alice shut the door in his face.

"All right," she grinned, "C'mon!" She grabbed my wrist and towed me to her closet- which was bigger then my entire bedroom- and then dragged me to the back corner, where a long white garment bag had a rack all to itself.

She unzipped the bag in one sweeping movement, and then slipped it carefully off the hanger. She took a step back, holding her hand out to the dress like she was a game show hostess. "Well?" she asked, breathlessly.

I appraised it for a long moment, playing with her a bit. Her expression turned worried.

"Ah," I said, smiling and letting her relax, "I see."

"What do you think?" she demanded.

It was like an Anne of Green Gables vision. "It's perfect, of course. Exactly right. You're a genius." I tell her. She grinned.

"I know."

"Nineteen-eighteen?" I guessed.

"More or less," she nodded, "some of it is my design, the train, the veil-" she touched the white satin as she spoke, "the lace is vintage. Do you like it?"

"It's beautiful," I nodded, "it's just right for him."

"But is it right for you?" she pressed.

"Yes, I... I think it is," I tell her, honestly, "I think it's just what I need. I know you'll do a great job with this... if you can keep yourself in check." She beamed at me. "Can I see your dress?" I asked, and she blinked, her face blank. "Didn't you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldn't want you to wear something off the rack!" I pretend to wince in horror.

Alice threw her arms around my waist. "Thank you Bella!" she half-squealed, and I kissed her spiky hair.

"How could you not see that one coming?" I teased, "some psychic you are!" Alice danced back, her face bright with fresh enthusiasm.

"I've got so much to do! Go play with Edward. I have to get to work." She dashed out of the room, yelling, "ESME!" as she disappeared.

I followed at my own pace. Edward was waiting for me in the hallway, leaning against the wood-paneled wall. "That was very, very nice of you." He told me.

"She seems happy," I agreed. He touched my face; his eyes- too dark, it had been so long since he'd left me- searched my expression.

"Let's get out of here," he suddenly suggested. "Let's go to our meadow." It sounded very appealing.

"I guess I don't have to hide out anymore, do I?" I mused, aloud.

"No. The danger is behind us."

-

Edward was quiet, thoughtful, as he ran. The wind blew on my face, warmer now that the storm had really passed. The clouds covered the sky, the way they usually did.

The meadow was a peaceful, happy place today. Patches of summer daisies interrupted the grass with splashes of white and yellow. I lay back, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground, and looked for pictures in the clouds. They were too even, too smooth. No pictures, just a soft, gray blanket.

Edward lay next to me and held my hand. "August thirteenth?" he asked casually after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"That gives me a month till my birthday." I replied, quietly. "I didn't want to cut it too close." He sighed.

"Esme is three years older then Carlisle- technically. Did you know that?" I shook my head. "It hasn't made any difference to them." My voice was serene, a counterpoint to his anxiety.

"My age is not really that important. Edward, I'm ready. I've chosen my life- now I want to start living it." He stroked my hair.

"The guest list veto?"

"I don't care, really, but I..." I hesitated, not wanting to explain this one. Best get it over with. "I'm not sure if Alice would feel the need to invite... a few shifters. I don't know if... Jake would feel like... like he should come. Like that's the right thing to do, or that I'd get my feelings hurt if he didn't. He shouldn't have to go through that."

Edward was quiet for a minute and I stared at the tips of the treetops, almost black against the light gray of the sky. Suddenly, Edward grabbed me around the waist and pulled me onto his chest. "Tell me why you're doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free rein?"

"It wouldn't be fair to keep Charlie out of this," I told him, "Renée and Phil too. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe it will make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks it's much too early, I wouldn't want to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle." I grimaced at the words, then took another deep breath. "At least my mom and dad and my friends will know the best part of my choice, the most I'm allowed to tell them. They'll know I chose you, and they'll know we're together. They'll no that I'm happy, wherever I am. I think that's the best I can do for them."

Edward held my face, searching it for a brief time. "Deal's off." He said, abruptly.

"What?" I gasped, "you're backing out? No!"

"I'm not backing out, Bella, I'll keep my side of the bargain. But you're off the hook. Whatever you want, no strings attached."

"Why?" I demanded.

"Bella, I see what you're doing. You're trying to make everyone else happy. And I don't care about anyone else's feelings. I only need you to be happy. Don't worry about breaking the news to Alice. I'll take care of it. I promise she won't make you feel guilty."

"But I-"

"No. We're doing this your way. Because my way doesn't work. I call you stubborn, but look at what I've done. I've clung with such stupid obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you, though it's only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don't trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So," he shifted under me, squaring his shoulders, "we're doing it your way, Bella. Tonight. Today. The sooner the better. I'll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enough morphine, it wouldn't be so bad. It's worth a try." He gritted his teeth.

"Edward, no-" He put a finger to my lips. "Don't worry, Bella, love. I haven't forgotten the rest of your demands."

His hands were suddenly in my hair, his lips moving softly- but very seriously- against mine, before I realized what he was saying. What he was doing.

There wasn't much time to act, I noted. If I waited too long, I wouldn't be able to remember why I needed to stop him. Already, I couldn't breathe right. My hands were gripping his arms, pulling myself tight to him, my mouth glued to his and answering every unspoken question his asked.

I tried to clear my head, to find a way to speak. He rolled gently, pressing me into the cool grass. Oh, never mind! My less noble side exulted. MY head was full of the sweetness of his breath.

No, no, no, I argued with myself. I shook my head and his mouth moved to my neck, giving me a chance to breathe. "Stop, Edward. Wait." My voice was as weak as my will.

"Why?" he whispered into the hollow of my throat. I labored to put some resolve into my tone.

"I don't want to do this now."

"Don't you?" he asked, a smile in his voice. He moved his lips back to mine and made speaking impossible. Heat coursed through my veins, burning where my skin touched his.

I made myself focus. It took a great deal of effort just to force my hands to free themselves from his hair, to move them to his chest. But I did it. And then I shoved against him, trying to push him away. I couldn't succeed alone, but he responded as I knew he would.

He pulled back a few inches to look at me, and his eyes did nothing to help my resolve. They were black fire. They smoldered. "Why?" he asked again, his voice low and rough. "I love you. I want you. Right now." The butterflies in my stomach flooded my throat. He took advantage of my speechlessness.

"Wait, wait," I tried to say around his lips.

"Not for me." He murmured in disagreement.

"Please?" I gasped, arching my body up against him. He groaned and pulled himself away from me, rolling onto his back again. We both lay there for a minute, trying to slow our breathing.

"Tell me why not, Bella," he demanded. "This had better not be about me." I almost snorted- everything in my world was about him. What a silly thing to expect.

"Edward, this is very important to me. I am going to do this right."

"Who's definition of right?" he countered.

"Mine." I said, stubbornly. He rolled onto his elbow and stared at me, his expression disapproving.

"How are you going to do this right?" I took a deep breath.

"Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I'm not going to leave Charlie and Renee without the best resolution I can give them. I won't deny Alice her fun, if I'm having a wedding anyway. And I will tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal. I'm following all the rules, Edward. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with. You're not going to budge me on this." I tell him, sternly.

"I'll bet I could." He murmured, his eyes burning again.

"But you wouldn't." I said, trying to keep my voice level, "not knowing that this is what I really need."

"You don't fight fair." He accused. I grinned at him.

"Never said I did." He smiled back, wistful.

"If you change your mind..."

"You'll be the first to know," I promised. The rain started to drip through the clouds just then, a few scattered drops that made faint thuds as they struck the grass. I glowered at the sky.

"I'll get you home." He brushed the tiny beads of water from my cheeks.

"Rain's not the problem," I grumbled, "it just means that it's time to go do something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous." Edward's eyes widened in alarm. "It's a good thing you're bulletproof," I sighed, "I'm going to need that ring. It's time to tell Charlie."

Edward laughed at the expression on my face. "Highly dangerous," he agreed, before he laughed again then reached into the pocket of his jeans. "But at least there's no need for a side trip." He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand, where it would stay- conceivably for the rest of eternity.