After slightly overdosing on Midol last night, my crazy-ass going downtown dreams of forking Eddie were way to for realz to even think about. When I finally woke up late, it was to the sound of angels pissing up a storm overhead again. It was worse because I was PMessing, so I couldn't get back to sleep thanks to all those asshole angels overhead taking a long leak on our roof.

I had a feeling that today was gonna be worse than yesterday. Or the other yesterday before that yesterday. Or even the day before that yesterday's yesterday. So maybe I should just stay in bad and smoke weed all day and try to think some thoughts?

So I lay in my bed in the attic staring at the ceiling wondering "Why" things. Like why am I so awesome ...without really trying to be? And if I am so awesome, why do I still not have my own reality TV show? But honestly, I sadly already know that answer to that mystery. It's because I don't have my own sex tape ...yet.  So totes sigh ...time to get to work.  

So maybe it is time for me to be the star in my own life? Maybe take some sexy selfies of my awesome ass in a slightly foggy bathroom mirror.  Then"accidentally" send them to someone I know will spread them around ...even after I tell them not to. Normally, I could count on sister-mom to do that kind of thing for me ...but here in Forked? Maybe, Gay Mikey? Or maybe, he would "EEEEW...yuck!" that noise and delete me before my awesomeness burned his rainbow brain blind.

"Fork it! I'm just being a bitch by myself, and that's not fun for anyone. So might as well just go to school and cut someone for fun." I roll out of bed and head towards the little ladies room to handle my bitch business.        

After wasting as much time as I could doing nothing much about anything. When I finally feel too bored to care, I roll out of Cop Mansion like a boss and head towards Forked Up High, for a day of cuts and sluts. I was feeling somewhat less whatever now that this flower was out of the attic, probably because it wasn't raining anymore. Even though the clouds were looking pretty pissy, all dark and dense and shit. And also for the first time since I landed in this craphole, I was armed with my weapon of choice, my brand new boxcutter. And even though it was all alone, and it wasn't bedazzled to all hell yet ...it was still my favorite new smile slicer. And I knew just who's frown I wanted to turn upside down today ...Mr. Downtown Dream himself ...Evil Eddie Forking Munster!

Today was only slightly easier, because I didn't have to talk to that stupid Hippy Chick in the office again. And I even remembered that I had art now instead of PE, so that was chill. People IDK looked at me in the parking lot like we were friends and shit? Probably cause word had gotten around that I was the new flavor of the month. I didn't know any of their names, and I really didn't give a shit to learn them either. But I did chin check them bitches back "Whazzup" and threw my RBF at everyone. Probably cause it's like not cool to be too mean to forktards or whatever.   

I really want to think everyone is equal in my eyes ...as in they all suck and I wish they would die. But the truth is they are not equal. I mean don't get me wrong ...I do want them all to die. But I also do want some people to die worse than the others. Except for Glee Mikey, Ninja and the Other Asians ...they were whatever.   

Gay Mikey came to sit by me in English like a good gay bestie should. So we spent most of classing write love notes ...about how awesome my ass was. He wanted to know my secret workout routine so that he could get an ass like mine too. But I lied and told him I did a lot of yoga at home. But I did decide to let him be my new best bitch anyways. I came to the conclusion that he was very lonely and needed to talk to someone who understood his feminine side. Too bad I didn't really have anything to offer him besides super bitchy, but he didn't really seem to mind. So whatever...  

Honestly, it was kind of nice to have a gay friend again, so that I could talk about all my girlie bitchy shit with someone. Who really got where I was coming from with all the snark, but none of the competitive bitchiness. Also the more I got to know Mikey the glee'er he seemed to get and that was whatever. Thankfully he catwalked me to my next class, with Derick stalking along behind us glaring at my ass like he wanted to live in it. Of course, all the while touching himself thru his front pocket. As if. 

Stupid teacher English decided to throw a pop quiz on the Verona Suicide kids, Homeo and Stupidette. But it was super easy for me cause I had already watched the movie at my old school. The answer to everything is ...everyone who matters kills themselves ...the end. I have a feel that school here in Forked Up is going to be sofa king easy for me.  

After some more classing, I went to lunch with my new best bitchling Glee Mikey. When I walked into the Cantina with Mikey in tow, trying to keep my eyes from sweeping the place for HIM. But before we could grab a decent seat with my back against the wall, Ninja intercepted us and practically begged us to sit at her table. Angel seemed elated by my awesome and soon all her Other Asian friends quickly joined us smelling my hair. So I ended up sitting with a big ass group that included gay Mikey, Ninja, Angel, Lee and all the "Other people's" whose faces I now almost remembered forgetting. 

As I tried to ignore their too precisely perfect English nattering, I was growing more and more irritated. Just waiting and anticipating the moment He finally would arrive. So I could get this cuts-4-sluts party started off forking right. I knew this shithole was a small ass town, where everyone was up in everyone else's shit like a bunch of prison bitches on a new shim. So beating a bitch right the first time was crucial ...so that word of my awesome would spread forking fast ASF. 

I hoped that HE would simply ignore me when he came, acting all cool. So I could get the jump on his ass and hook cut his purtty little face before he even knew what was up. All forking morning I had been looking forward to lunch, so I could cut a bitch. Just waiting for that frosty to look at me wrong with his creepy blacked out blood lust crazy eyes. And his weird-ass rapey face, that kept flashing in my mind form the downtown dreams I had last night. 

Ten minutes into this shit ...and still He hasn't shown his perfect pale frosty face. As time seemed to crawl by like a badly acted porn, I started flicked the razor out and back to the second hand on the clock on the wall. I grew more and more tenser, waiting for the moment that I would show HIM who was large and in charge up in this shitshow.  

Finally, his four frostie fashion model siblings of sorts sauntered in like their shit didn't stink, and sat at their table. They were all dressed out in white as usual ...but Eddie was not with them? WTF, where was that evil little shit? So I started thinking that maybe I must have tipped my hand somehow? Or just maybe HE was just a little smarter than the rest of the forktards up in this bitch and he was already scared of me?

But by the almost end of lunch, He still hadn't showed his filthy frostie face and I was getting pissed off ASF. I almost take a runner at his big blonde bitchy sister-wife chic and slice her a new super smile. But before I could even jump out my seat all the frosties just bolted out the door like they knew what was up.  

WTF? Are they trying to mess with me? 

Okay...so that's how you want to play.  Shits is on like donkey kong, bitches!  

For what little was left of lunch I kept a sharp eye out for any flashes of white that would tell me one of them was trying to sneak up and shit. But nothing wicked this way walked towards me at all.  

After lunch was over me and my Bitchlings catwalked our asses over to Sex Education class. I admit I was slightly sad that I hadn't had my moment with that little psycho ...but I could play these waiting games too. I mean, after all, I had kept three out my four virginities intact so far. And for a hot-assed girl from North Las Vegas with some massive daddy issues, that is saying something special.   

I was rolling deep now, with way more confidence as Mikey walked right by my side and Angel behind me faithfully smelling my hair as usual. To be trues and shit...I really didn't mind Angel sniffing at my hair, cause I knew she was behind me guarding my ass. Or at least they would have to go thru her first to stab me in the shanks. Mikey as usual, was talking on and on about the lack of quality boys for him to blow. Thru the door, Mikey got easily distracted by some boy with braces and bad bowl cut and smiles at me wistfully over his shoulder as he left me to my fate. 

I took a deep ass breath at the door and steadied my box cutter between my fingers so I could flip cut this forker before he even blinked wrong. But Eddie wasn't there! I exhaled sadly and just went to my empty seat and dropped down all super put out. I mean seriously, what the hell does a girl have to do around here to cut a slut? 

Of course, Duh Derrick just had to take this opportunity to follow me right to my seat talking about an upcoming boy scout bullshit. Where over the weekend he and ten of his closest friends, were all going to gather around a fire and lie about chicks they scored with. As if! 

He lingered by my desk a little too long for my taste, talking about whatever and trying to shove his bulge thing at me. As his bulge kept coming closer at me, his pocket hand is just jumping a mile a minute up in there. And you know what? No forking way am I just gonna sit here and wait for him to finish that happy ending. Yeah, it tote looked like I was going to have to do something about this dick. And it wouldn't be easy, cause I assume he was gonna squeal like a pig. Fuck it...if you can't cut the one you hate, cut the one who irritates.

"Uh huh..." I flick my fingers out nonchalantly and the tip of the boxcutter sliced right across what I assume is the tip of little Derrick.

There is a strange moment when we both paused to take a breath. Me because I am finally satisfying my need to bleed a bitch. And Derrick because it just struck his stupid little boy brain that something is wrong with the plumbing downstairs.   

"Oh shit bitch, looks like you sprung a leak?" I smirked at his horror. "Who's OTR now bitch-boy?" 

"What did you do to my wee'wee..."  He pulls his hand out of his pocket and is horrified to find blood. "Why would you do that ...to my secret identity?"

"Ten percent off the top?" I shrug off the stupid. 

"I'm telling." He whined at me. 

"Go ahead." I snort. "Go tell Teacher Sex Science, I cut your little playtime short before the big finale? And I will scream rapies sofa king loud it will make your ass bleed." I eye him coldly.

"Why did you do that?" He starts crying.  

"Obviously, cause you bug perv." I roll my eyes. "Now quit touching yourself, and go sit down and bleed like a bitch in silence. Or I will really give you something to cry about."

I watch Derrick waddle off to the back of the class where he belongs, weeping softly to himself.   And I almost have to wonder if he is gonna try to use those tears for lubricant to see if everything still works okay. I freely admit had never been kindhearted, and practically have no feelings of remorse dealing with overly friendly boys the hard way. Mikey gives me a curious look of WTF look? I shrug him off, back to his brace face boy and wish him the best of luck with that suck.

"I saw the whole thing..." Angel leans over the desk behind me and whispers.  "...what you just did to Duh Derrick's dick."

"And?" I tilt my head back and give her a hard look.

"I'm on your side." She sighs seriously. "It looked like Duh Derrick shoved his weenie right onto your razorblade on purpose? Cause he wants the attention...so totally his fault."  

"My bitchling." I bequeath unto her a rare smile.

"Bee, can I ask you something super important?" She hesitates.  

"What now bitchling?" I sigh already bored with her adoration of my awesome.

"Can smell your hair?" Her eyes grow wide with hope.

"Mmmm. Sure." I nod slowly.

"Can I braid it from behind ...please?" She practically holds her breath in anticipation.    

"No." I snort. But then I see the hurt little look on her foreign face and I give into the moment. 

"Fine. But nothing ethnic ...like French braiding? American Girl Doll braids only."

"Okay, Queen Bee."  Angel sighs super satisfied in her lot in my life.   

Queen Bee?  Yeah ...I admit I like the sound of that a little more than I thought I would. You know ...when I was thinking thoughts about what sounds sounded like ...outside of my ongoing mental monologue.  

The rest of Sex Science was actually pretty funny ASF. As Teacher Pedo-Perv showed us all kind of slides of boob and butts. I could literally hear Derrick groaning in pain in the back of the class. Of all the days to be suffering thru a partial circumcision, today had to be the worst for wear. Eventually, he has to excuse himself from class and everyone laughed at the loser. They all assume that he is going to the boy's room to "handle his business", but me and Angel face share a secret sister smile knowing the real reason. He just couldn't take all the excitement sitting down anymore. So someone was in desperate need of a very cold ice bath. 

"So totes LOL ...my Queen Bee." Angel mouthed like a silent prayer for my continued reign of terror. 

When the school day was finally almost done, and the bitchness was fading out of my face. I rolled out of my art class with a smirk and looked around at my new kingdom. Yeah, this place was a total shithole, but now it was my total shit hole...more or less. I walked casually out to the parking lot and dropped the tailgate on the Thing. It was crowded now with fleeing students trying to get away from touchy teachers, who wanted "just a quick word" after class alone. The hard way to get an easy A, up in this shit. 

So I dug through my bag to make sure I had what I needed ...one vaporizer with weed juice and a 7-11 box cutter with its first taste of boy blood and a couple more Midol's. Cause at the end of the day ...I think it's the little things in life that count the most. I made someone else have a worse day than mine...so fork yeah!   

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Authoress Notes and Feels

Hella all my Luvlies!!! Omigod Can you "Beliebe" I thought up another story so fast!?! IKR??? And was that was a super fun chappie huh or what??? 

I really wanted to show that Bee had some serious kill skills with her Boxcutter, even though it wasn't bedazzled. And who better to slice a new smile on top ...but pervy Derrick. I mean for realz right ...you totes know some perv like that at your school too, right? That guy that always seems to have his hand in his pants and is giving you "that look"?  You know the one, where you can totally tell he is thinking sex stuff about you and ...Ew...so gross!!!  

Anyho...so after I had thoughts and stuff I realized that Derricks dickie quickie had to get gone. Dogdamnit! I know I wish a could take a slice out of life on a couple of those guys at my continuation school.   

Which brings us to Word of the Week is obviously Bitchling.  Like Bitch + Underling  = Bitchlilng. 

I can't take credit for this little ditty ...cause that goes to my homegirl Football Chick, one badass chick if there ever was one. Just the other day she walked right up to "U know who" !!!! (Stupid skanky skank-a-lot who shall not be named ...C-word that rhymes with "ortney" )  And straight-up light her hair on fire. Well, the bottom of her ponytail anyways. So while Football Chick is going to have to do a little time in juvie ...again?  **Sad sigh*** It was tote worth it to watch the blaze! Stay strong Football Chick! See ya in four to six weeks!  

But even more importantly Bee finally got to use her boxcutter ...so you know what is coming soon ...some Bitches getting some Stitches!  And what did you think about her thought of: 

"If you can't cut the one you hate...cut the one who irritates."

So anyways ...as always don't be a silent reader and shit ...cause that's like wrong and it hurts peeps feels. So read, vote, over-comment, overshare, add to ALL YOUR LIBRARIES ...EVEN THE BAD SHITTY RANDOM FANDOM ONES!!! Follow this account, create a lot of fake accounts to follow this account, so you can vote more on my stories, and all my friendlies stories, but not my enemies stories. Like that stupid skank (you know who) at WillS*ck4votes... such a tot's vote slut.

And I don't know how many times I am gonna have to say this until certain people get the point! ALL YOUR LIBRARIES ...EVEN THE SHITTY BAD RANDOM FANDOM ONES!!!  And don't think I don't know if you have or not ...cuz I do!   And I don't want to have to name names yet but I will if I have to. (TacoTuesday, BelieberBronyBoi69, WillFork4food TunaxTaco, Scissorkicker7000, Butttoys4badboys, Pinappplepuree, Mangoman ...ect.)

Oh and please keep my dog Mr. Bobo in your thoughts but NOT prayers cause after yesterday's trip to the Roadhouse Rescue Shelter with Big Daddy we think Bobo's might have picked up some Doggie VD. Fleas! So gross!

So he has been itching and bitching and scratching up a storm since this morning. I tried to tell him to use protection, and to take a Silkwood shower when he came home, but did he listen? No, he did not! So no prayer circle tonight Bobo ...at least not until after his flea bath.  

Can you belibe it bitches!!! Balls4Bobo is officially up and ruining at GoFundMe.com!!!! So if you can find it in your heart if you could spare a few extra hundred dollars for Bobo's new Neuticles (prosthetic testicular implants for dogs) ...that would be sooo stellar of all you. And again if you or one of your loved ones is suffering from pre-op canine testicular depression know that you are not alone! For more information about canine self-esteem and neuticles go to: http://www.neuticles.

Anyways... until next time ...LUV U LUVLIES !!!!!