As I walked into my next classroom like a boss and tossed down the stupid slip for Teacher Sex Science to sign, in order to prove that I hadn't started ditching this bitch yet. I was watching him all super surreptitiously, cause Teacher Sex Science looked a lot like that one guy who cooked up crystal on that Iron Meth Chef cable show. Teacher Sex Science signed that shit with a sly smile of a serial pedophile, then handed me a book that looked a lot like a soft-core porn story. He chin checked me over to the only open seat up in this bitch ... right in the front row center ...and of course, it has to be right next to Eddie Forking Munster.

I catwalk that ass to my seat, keeping my eyes locked straight like I don't give a shit. Cause let's face it ...I don't. Some boy bitch sitting in the back corner giggled like a fucktard until dead eye him down. And thank the skank for my Resting Bitch Face ... because if I didn't know any better I think I feel a feeling coming? 

Hatred...maybe?  

Just as soon as I take my seat, this filthy frostie goes all super stiff and rigid. He turns away and looks out the window away from me, giving me the typical Canadian cold shoulder. I didn't bother to care, as I set my book on the table and took my seat. I can sense his posture change from the corner of my eye, like he is readjusting his boys in corduroys. So I guess I got a rise out of him after all? Suffer in silence, bitch boy!  

He was leaning away from me, sitting on the extreme edge of his chair and averting his face like he smelled something rotten. Inconspicuously, I sniffed my hair like Angelina was just trying to do. It smelled like normal strawberry/mango the scent of my favorite shampoo. So I let my hair fall over one side of my face, making a hair curtain between us and tried to not pay attention to the teacher.

Unfortunately, the lecture was on the female anatomy, something I'd already studied at home with a mirror more than once. But I took some notes on the stuff inside the princess parts, just in case I ever have to go Orange is the new Mango. Or whenever I get super wastiod on E in community college for my first taste of the dark side of life. 

IDK what it was in particular, maybe that stupid smirk on his face? But I just couldn't stop myself from peeking occasionally through the screen of my hair at the super strange boy next to me. During the entire trip through the vagina up on the viewing screen, Eddie never relaxed his stiff position on the edge of his chair. Sitting as far from me as possible, just twitching and bitching like a fiend for his dirty frozen snow addiction.

I noticed that he had the long sleeves of his white shirt pushed up to his elbows, and his forearms were surprisingly hard and muscular beneath his pasty pale antarctic skin. Only one kind of kid had skin muscle arms like that in my experience ...a frigging zombie tweeker. But his bitch ass wasn't nearly as sucked up as he'd looked next to his burly bigger brother. Cause that big brother dude was definitely riod-raging like a mutherforker. 

I could see his hand on his left hook was clenched into a fist, the tendons standing out under his pale skin. And I swear to skank, this dude looked like he was ready to snap and go all self Silence of the Lambs and start gnawing off his own face ...or worse mine? And with my perfect skin and smooth complexion, I really couldn't afford any bite mark scars from this psycho.

Why was I waiting for his tight fist to loosen up and let go the idea of punching me in the face? Should I kick him with my bitch stompers in the nuts first? Or wait for him to make his move, and then stomp the shit eating smile off his filthy frostie face?   

But the hit to the head never did come my way. Instead, he just continued to sit there on the edge of his chair, vibrating like an electroshock seizure. Looking like he was having a breath holding contest with himself, like a forking wierdo. Seriously what was the fork was wrong with forking psycho? Maybe this normal reaction for Canadian kids to all our sexual education freedom south of the Arctic? 

So I started questioned my judgment on Other Asians bitchy bitterness at lunch today. Maybe she was not as summer sleepover molested as I'd thought? Maybe she knew something that I didn't know yet? But whatever it was it couldn't have anything to do with me? So I filed all this stupid shit under "Whateverz...do not give a flying fork". So I went back to staring at the inside of the giant bitch box on the viewing screen. 

Maybe it was because my first day in the land fo the forktards was finally coming to a dead end. But this shit seemed to drone on and on and on ...way longer than the other classes that I ignored before lunch. I finally got bored of looking up the inside of uterus, so I peeped through my hair at psycho boy one more time ...and instantly regretted it!

Cause now he wasn't giving me the frost back shoulder anymore. But instead was staring at me hardcore, with the strangest expression on his face. He was like super furiously fucky or insanely horny. The phrase "if looks could sodomize you" suddenly ran through my mind. Honestly, this was the first thing he ever did that actually made sense to me.  

I returned his rapey glare with my standard "As if" Resting Bitch Face vacant glare-stare. Which was when I noticed for the first time his blackened kaleidoscope eyes. Like his pupils were so dilated out that his eyes were all black ...coal black with bloody red veins running all through them. And my first thought was ...this dude is soooo totoes waaaysteeed ...on some seriously heavy shit! 

I mean trust, coming from the N.L.V. I've seen my fair share of alien zombie babies. Everything from metal methheads flying the crystal skies to your garden variety paint fume huffing pre-teen. But never in my life, have I seen the kind of scorched brain damage that could cause these kinds of peepers to go all black and blood-red like this crazy kid.

I don't know what this dude is smoking ... but Dogdaaaaaam. I'm guessing bath salts or Smiles or some serious shit that makes you go all super psycho at eating your face. No idea what this kid was on, but I know whatever it was he was tripping balls hardcore. And based on his weird ass reacting to my awesomeness, my educated guess based on years in Zombieland, was that he was seeing the demonic version of me. And I smelled a lot like brimstone...and really wanted to go to bonetone and suck his soul. As if?

Thankfully before he could eat my face, the bells rang a little too loudly. Making him literally jumped out of his seat and run for the border. He was out the door before anyone else was even out of their seat. Which I am thinking is something of a family tradition based on his strange sisters disappearing act at lunch. As he was bolting out of the room, I did notice that he was a lot taller than I'd thought at first. Which was a good thing I am thinking, cause short guys give me the creepies. Probably, cause they always seem to be staring right at my boobs ...instead of down at them. IDK?

I sorta stared blankly after his ass, wondering ass things about him. I mean, yeah he was such a total spycho. But I have to admit I was getting a little turned on there for a second by his wrath and rage. Chalk it up to the string of poor male role models my mother/sister dragged through the backdoor on the regular growing up? But there was just something about that dominate macho malevolence that felt so ...safe?  

I began gathering up my things slowly, trying to block off the sense of slutty that was filling me up from the inside. For some reason, my temper has always been hardwired to my horny. I usually got super horny when I was angry, it was kind of a screwed up flight or fight response I had. Like what most people were afraid of ...turned me on hardcore. But I think what was really pissing me off more than anything? Is that I think I had my first "feeling" ...in a long time. 

How dare that dude make me feel something ...I forking hate feeling things so much!

"Hey, ho. Aren't you Belladonna Blackswan?" A lilting boy toy voice asks from behind me.

I looked up to see an almost cute boy smiling super friendly at me ...yet not in a rapies way? Which was kind of WTF'ing me out a little? At a glance, I can immediately tell that he is ..not normal for Forked. For starters, he way too tanned, with his dirty blond hair carefully gelled into disorderly spikes. But what first tipped me off to his rainbow pride was what was up with his hair ...with had actual product. So he obviously had way too much style for Forked. 

"I go by Bee, not ho." I corrected him evenly to see where this latest round of bullshit was going.

"I'm Mikey." He does that total twink wink thing.

"Hey ho, Mikey." I drone back with a sly smirk of someone who knows what's up.

"So at the risk of just sounding like I am just trying making conversation, with the strange new girl to cover up my coming out party? What the fork did you do to Evil E? Threaten to stab him with a pencil through the heart or what? Cause I've never seen him act the bitch like that before. And trust me ...I would have noticed that ass action a mile away on a rainy day in May."

Huh, so I guess wasn't the only one who had noticed he ran like a girl? Apparently, that wasn't Eddie Munsters usual behavior at school. So I decided to play dumb ...which in case you handn't noticed yet is something I am super good at.

"Evil E? Was that the dude that sat next to me, in Sex Science whatever?" I mused bemused. Mostly cause I like to rhyme shit like a rockstar, when I am talking to myself in my own headspace.

"Oh yeah," he snorted. "Mr. 2Cool4School looked like he was in pain or something?" Mikey observed merrily.

"I don't know," I shrug him off. "I never said word one to the frostie fool."

"Yeah, well don't take it personally cause he's kind of a seriously strange dude." He sighs wistfully and shit. "But if I were lucky enough to sit by him? I'd like to think that I would have at least talked to him a little? You know, about all the rest of forking retards and losers that go to this shithole. Got to be more interesting than staring at ovaries. Or worse talking words to Duh Derick while he jerks it to Sex Science diagrams."

"Oh shit fuck...I actually think I know who that is." I fake a laugh, like an Emmy Award Winning chick flick chick. "That's the totally not cool pervy dude that always looks like he is about to touch himself right?" 

"Ah, I see you've met the finest that Forked has to offer in the way of artificial insemination." He reassures me.

"Ew...gross."  

"So totes true...on so many many levels of uncool." Then Mikey says the one thing I have been waiting to hear all day...but just didn't know it. "Bee-itch you have no idea how right you are. And trust me when I tell you...you are the way too cool for this school. It almost hurts me to see you have to suffer the absolute indignity of public education. When you clearly should be at a exclusive private school being the best bitch you can be to those slightly less fortunate than you are?"

"Oh my dog, that is so sweet of you to say."  

"So Bee Cool...what's your next class up in this bitch?"

"Physical education actually ... so lets get physical?" I snortle sarcastically. Cause I am pretty sure even the only gay guy in forked liked my many witty sarcasticisms.  

"Cool, that's my next class, too. I forking love that shit ...Coach Sports is like the best." He trills to let me know we are playing opposite say day. That day where you say nice things that totos mean the opposite...IE every damn day ever!

So we walked to PE class together ...and big shocker Mikey was a chatterer. So he supplied most of the conversation, which honestly made it easy for me to get the 411 fashionista on this shithole. It also turned out he was a transplant too, but from Cali when he was still ten. Which kind of explained why he was still tan and all the correct stylistic choices he was rocking. So he totally knew how I felt about the sun. Hello? Can you say skin cancer?  Whatever...

It also turned out Mikey was also in my English class which is where he spotted my cool ass in the midst of the herd of pervs with "Duh Derick".  Sad to say, but he was probably the most normal person I'd met today. Well, maybe besides the model minority kids at lunch? As we were entering the gym, Mikey malingered by me instead of heading to the boy's locker to get his gay on.  

He was friendly and clearly super glee gay and desperately in need of a bitch for a bestie. But that was going to be a little problem for me going forward. Cause now that I saw the chic competition, I needed to shine on my own and not be stealing any of his gay thunder. We could be cool ...even friendlies...but never friends. Not if I wanted to rule this shit with an iron fist by summer.  

The Coach something of Gym class found me a uniform, but didn't even think of making me dress out for today's class of dodgeballs. Probably for fear that Chief Chuckie would show up and start asking the standard cop questions like ... why you make my baby girl change her clothes? Are there a cameras in here for the teachers to watch? I'm gonna need to see all those tapes pronto! Well at least the ones from the girls locker room? You can keep the boys locker room tapes and sell them online or whatever. But if you do sell them, do not forget my cut on that action? Or forking else...

Back at home in NLV, we only took two years of P.E. were needed to get a GED. But here at Forked High P.E. was mandatory all four years. I guess when you have an abnormal amount of Special Ed kids in school? You have to find something for them to do to burn off that after lunch sugar-fueled super retard strength or they would start to throw shitfits after candy lunch?

I watched a clusterfuck of four dodge ball games running simultaneously, bashing the shit out of those Special Ed kids with bike helmets on. Which was actually pretty funny when you think about it. Remembering how many injuries I had inflicted playing this stupid shit as a kid on the weaker less attractive girls. Until the final bell rang at long last ending the insanity. 

I walked slowly to the office to return my "been there done that" paperwork. The rain had drifted away, but the wind was ...winding and shit. So I wrapped my arms around myself so that my summer boobs wouldn't freeze and fall off.

But when I walked into the warm office, I almost turned around and walked back out. Cause that Eddie Munster looking muther-forker stood at the desk in front of me. I recognized that bitch boy by back of his head, that ginger by the tousled bronze hair of a red-headed stepchild  
...who looks like he just walked away from an electrocution.

Of course, he didn't appear to give two shits at the sound of my grand entrance. So I stood leaning against the back wall, waiting for the Hippy-dippy chick that ran this place to be free enough to get me the fuck out of PE class with the Speical Eds. I couldn't hear everything that psycho boy was saying, but dude was arguing with her in nasty low guttural tones. Tones I recognized as menacing...if not outright threatening. I slowly picked up the gist of the argument ...he was trying to trade from sixth-hour Sex Science to another time ...any other time?

And I felt a shiver attach to my spine, I just couldn't believe that this was about me! Then it hit me ...all these so-called people all knew that my "foster dad" was a forking cop! And that my mother used to be his snitch bitch slash speical time girl? 

Forking forkity fork fork...fork me!!! 

No No NO! No wait a second ...Chief Chuck was way too careful about covering his tracks? So it wasn't that stupid shit... then it had to be something else? Maybe something that happened before I entered the Sex Science room? Like maybe he got his tip stuck trying to hump a light socket? Yeah, that made a lot more sense to me. Cause he totally looked like the kind of kid who would try something like that at least once? Just to see if the electro-shock made him feel a little better about himself.

And after all, it was impossible that this stranger could take such a sudden and intense dislike to me? At least not without knowing how much better I am than them in the real? I mean...I was totes hot and shit? Fork, that even gay guys gave my ass a once over appreciatedly. Admittedly mostly for my cool style choices, but still an ass once over was a once over. Anyways...

But then the door opened again, and the cold norhtern wind suddenly gusted through the room, rustling the papers on the desk. The fugly girl who came in merely stepped to the desk, placed a note in the wire basket, and walked out again. Probably on her way to slit her wrists cause she realized how hot I am compared to her? Now she knows that she will never be better than me, even with a lot of plastic surgery. But Eddie back stiffened like he just got a really bad boner in the butt and he turned slowly to glare at me again.

His bloody black eyes full of revulsion, self-loathing and lust. I noticed that this dude face his face was absurdly handsome with piercing ice eyes hate-filled eyes and felt a quick quiver shiver itself to my princess parts. And just for an instant, I felt a thrill of genuine fear jolt thru my nether regions and my boobs get a little tauter in my top. The look only lasted a second, but it chilled me to the boobs ...much more than the freezing wind. Then he broke the spell and turned back to the receptionist and grumbled malevolently.  

"Fuck it then ...never mind just go back to not giving a shit you stupid lazy bitch. I can see that speaking down to you is a complete waste of my time. Thank you sooo much for all your fucking help." It was pretty clear that he didn't mean a damn word he said. But the first time I heard him speak... his velvet voice washed over my skin like rusty razorblades.

But before I could start scratching myself for our mutual amusement, he spun on his heel and marched towards the door. He tried to avoid brushing past me, without another look at my ass. But in passing his eyes locked in on mine and I hitched my breath. Cause right then and there, I could swear he wanted to just bend me over right there and violate me eight ways to Sunday. And I could totally tell that even "bad butt stuff" was not going to be safe word off limits with this dude. He was the kind of guy that just had to stick it in every hole I had ...just because he could. 

And what was worse...my own whoremoans were thinking that this was awesomeness incarnate too.    

"What a dee...ick." I drone to no one after the moment is over and he is long gone into the wind.

So I saunter up to the desk, my face is flushed for once instead of pale and bloodless and handed Hippy-dippy the signed slip of bullshit back.

"How did your first day go, dear?" The receptionist asked all maternally like she really gave a shit.

"Forking awesomesauce stupid Hippy-Dippy lady. How was wasting the best half your life following The Grateful Dead around?" I snorted back. "Oh, so like ...I sooo need to get out of PE you know cause..." I think back to my first medical marijuana card.  "...I have migraines and shit?"

"Migraines?" She is all super suspicious. 

"Yeah, that." But Hippy Dippy didn't look convinced. Just as I am pretty sure I looked like I didn't give a shit one way or another. 

Sometimes I have found that my frozen in place Resting Bitch Face has that effect on the elderly. Like they really can't believe that kids my age really don't give a shit about their stupid Great Depressing world war stories? Or dog forbid their advice on how to get a boy to go down on you without asking how-to-do first. DYS ...stupid.  

"I'm sorry that's a no-go-ho, no matter who you think you are. Without doctors note you can't be medically excused from Gym class...for migraines." She snorts.

"Not a problem." I had her over my medical marijuana card.  "We good to go or what?"

"This is from out of state..."

"...and certified by the AMA. That's like the American Medical Association, hello? And last I checked like this is still America, no? Or did I somehow cross into Communist Canada on the way up to this bitch today?"

"And Chief Blackswan is kosher with this?" She eyes me sideways waiting for me to blink.

Little does she know...I can't blink. I was raised by a single mother semi-stripper. So lying comes naturally to me, like the way breathing comes to everyone else.

"Well, I guess I can always ask him ...to stop by your house later tonight while you are sleeping? Kick in your front door without a warrant, just to let you know just how kosher he is? Or...and this is just a thought? You can just stop trying to pretend that you give a shit about what classing shit I take up in this bitch and avoid all that." I muse. "Maybe the cavity search the cops will perform with their billy beatdown cop clubs won't be too bad to walk off work tomorrow?" 

"Congratulations you now have art seventh period." She signs off a fake smile.

"Sounds awesomesauce to me, Hippy Dippy." I force a fake smirk at her and snatch my good Green Cross card back.

"So we good to go old ho?" I eye here hard.

"Good to go ...ho." She smirks back.

"Booya ...see the bitch be the bitch." I turn and walk out on her before she tries to steal any more of my awesomeness away. 

When I got back to the Thing, I am almost the last person in the lot. At least after the long line of short bus's bails on this bitch. What seemed like a racist beater at first, now seems like a haven, and already the closest thing I had to a mobile home in this damp green cesspool. So I sit inside my home away, sucking on a vape stick for a while. Just staring out the windshield blankly as the rain tries to kill itself on the front window, thinking my thoughts.  

Like where does rain really come from? Like why does it have to fall and kill itself on my Thing? And if you really think about it ...clouds are sofa king selfish and shit. Just pissing away the day, where ever they feel like floating to. Forking floating floaty pissing clouds ... 

But vaping away the day just wasn't enough to ease my irritation, just enough to almost alleviate the cramps that had started cramping up. But after my head change started to fade I got cold, so I turned the key and the engine roared to life. With the heat blasting, I head back to the house I now have to call a home, fighting the rise of forking feelings the whole way there.

I forking hate feelings ...mostly because they make me blink and think stupid shit. I have a theory that between blinks you might miss a lot of things, or could suddenly fall asleep forever. So I try really hard not to blink to much. So I try to drive all five miles with my eyes wide open ... and I failed ...but not by too much.

I don't know what it is about this Forking place? But suddenly I am starting to think a lot more thoughts and shit. That I may have made a major mistake coming here? That Forked was literally created to be my personal hell on Earth. Even my normal Resting Bitch Face is feeling slightly put out by all these forktards. Forking forktarded muther forkers...fork it! 

Oh, and wouldn't you know it ...my dogdamn my time of the moon shows up early to say high. Even my whore-moan cycle is slightly off in this northern shit hole. So forking great ...I just started my period! Or as I like to call another bloody period in my life. Upside to this is that I now know it probably wasn't that freaky-deaky-tweeky forking wackjob wastiod Eddie Munster mutherforker making me feel things. But my own forking whore-moans that what was making me feel the feels.  

Could this day possibly get anymore less about me?
 

________________________

Authoress Notes and Feels

Hella all my Lovilies!!! Omigod  Can you "Beliebe" I thought up another chappie so fast!?!  And that was a super shipping chappie huh? Like IK right?  Like waiting for a pregnancy test results, I have been waiting sooo forking long to write their super scary meeting moment.

So what did you guys think about Eddie acting all freaky-deaky-tweeky out? 

Surprise! He so not on drugs ...he's on some bad blood!!!  Like IKR, right!?! 

 And what did you think of Bee and Evil E? Are you sofa king shipping that shit yet or what??? 

This weeks Word of the day is "Whore'moans".  So "Whore moans" instead of hormones is so classy, get it? I saw that shit somewhere on our stolen cable and just knew I had to use it! At someone other than at that Skanky skank-a-lot who shall not be named ...but you know who you are!!!  Stupid C-word that rymes with "ortney"

So anyways ...like I still need some feedback on Bee's new best gay friend Mikey? So like what did you think of Mikey? Was he glee gay enough for you? I was so gonna go super glee gay with his character ...but then I had some thoughts. Like what if he was just a normal fashionista ...but just liked dicks instead of chicks? Is that too forking weird?  IDK? 

Anyways...and as always don't be a silent reader and shit ...cause that's like wrong and it hurts peeps feels. So read, vote, over-comment, overshare, add to ALL YOUR LIBRARIES... EVEN THE SHITTY BAD POETRY ONES!!!  I don't know how many times I am gonna have to say this until certain people get the point...ADD THIS BOOK TO ALL YOUR LIBRARIES!!!!  And don't think I don't know if you have or not ...cuz I do. I don't want to have to name names yet ...but I will if I have to. (Bronyboi69, TunaxTaco, Scissorkicker7000, BYOBOYTOY PinapppleXMango ...ect.)

Follow this account, create a lot of fake foreign Facebook accounts to follow this account, so you can vote more on my stories, and all my friendlies stories, but not my enemies stories. Like that stupid skank (you know who) at WillF☆ckU4votes... such a totes vote slut.

Oh and please keep my dog Mr. Bobo in your thoughts and prayers cause ...so deep breath... you can do it, Moonie. So yes for all of you who have been waiting for the big news ... we finally got the test results back from Mr. Bobo's bad balls examination. And sadly it turns out that he is in fact ...going to have to have them clipped...or snipped off? 

But don't say anything to anyone, cuz no one has officially told him yet? But I think in his little heart he knows the truth. That pretty soon he is going to be an end to his lifelong special friendship with his BB's. (Bobo's Balls)

So could everyone just take a moment and please join us for a group prayer tonight, to say a little prayer for Bobo's balls. Please say "yes"!!!

Oh, and if you can find it in your heart if you could spare a few extra hundred dollars for Bobo's new Neuticles ...that would be sooo super stellar of all you. We want to get the best  Neuticles, prosthetic testicular implants for dogs ...aka artificial replacement balls that we can all afford. Cause apparently they aren't covered by our stupid Government insurance plan because BoBo is a doggie. (Thanx for nothing Obama Care assholes!)

So with that being said, I am going to start a GoFundMe account called Balls4Bobo! In order to get him those New Neuticles and I will let you all know when you can start supporting Balls4Bobo. 

And if you or one of your loved ones is suffering from pre-opp canine testicular cancer depression know that you are not alone! For more information about canine self-esteem and neuticles go to: http://www.neuticles.

Anyways... until next time ...LUV U LUVLIES :) :) :) !!!