It was right then and there, sitting in the lame lunchroom, trying to avoid making conversation with seven stupid strangers, that I first saw them! The too cool for school kids. I immediately knew something was up, cause they cat-walked in like they owned the place. They even had a bitchen soundtrack playing for their grand entrance into the lame lunchroom. 

There were five of them, two chicks and three dicks. And they breezed in like they own the place and sat down in the furthest corner of the Cafe away from everyone. Just took over the obvious best spot in the back corner against the wall, that was normally reserved for numeric neck tattoo gang members on parole. AKA the coolest local loco kids in any school.

They were all decked out in white and every one of them was pale ASF. They were clearly palest of all the lily whites living in this sunless shithole. They were way paler than me to the point of invisibility, like almost translucent and shit? Which I figured being this far North probably marked them as Canadians ...the filthy fucking Frosties. 

I noticed that the two chicks in their little frostback clique were like total opposites. The tall statuesque one looked like an escaped runway meth model from Milan. She had a platinum blonde ponytail down the middle of her back to her Kardashianeque a$$ crack. Rocking a pair of perfectly proportionate perky pretty tits, like the fake kind you only saw on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, but real? She was the kind of bitch made every other chick around her take a hit on her self-esteem just for not having a sex tape in circulation.

The other bitch was shorter skeleton skinny Emo pixie chick, with super sharp features. Her hair was dyed deep blood-red black and cropped super short and pointing in every direction. She kinda reminded me a little of an electrocuted super slutty elf for whatever reason? She had almost no tatas to speak of, but you could instantly tell she knew her way around a truckstop Buck-a-Blow ...such a totes Snowflake!  

Of the three boys, one was seriously buff ASF! Super muscled, like a serious weight lifter, with black hair and a wicked suggestive smirk of a Satanist. The second boy toy was a tall, lean, and wiry and had about zero expression, kind of like a serial killer. But a hot honey blond and by his swishy sashay probably super glee gay ...or not? Cause as I had already learned from the lesbians this morning, Forking gay was clearly not the same as High Desert gay. So it was probably best not to make too many assumes about him so soon. Cause when you make assumes, you make an A$$ out of U and ME. (So totally just misspelled ass-u-me with an a$$, get it?)    

But the last boy was lanky loser, with messy bronze-colored hair, the color of bad bowling alley bathroom floor bloodstains. He was a bit more boyishly broken in than the others, and clearly target for pedophile priests. This poor kid practically screamed alter boyish good looks and an eager willingness to take candy from random strangers.  

I could tell right away that they all thought they were cool ASF. Props cuz they were so cold they were ignoring everyone ...including each other. But the thing that struck me as off about these creepy cold kids? Was that they weren't gawking at me or my hot yoga ass at all, unlike all the other forktards. Like they were too cool even for me ...and not the other way around!?! And I have to admit that just for a second ...they had me doubting my innate awesomeness. But as I learned a long time ago in NLV, a second can be very short ...and sloppy.

So I side-eyed at the beautiful honey blonde boy toy, trying to figure out his rainbow orientation. Who was trying to play with his food now, picking a bagel to pieces with his long pale fingers. But suddenly the skinny one looked at me, for just a fraction of a second. His dark eyes flickered to mine, then he looked away more quickly than I could. Then his mouth was started moving a mile a minute, as his perfect punchy lips barely opened. The other foul four still looked away, and yet somehow I knew he was talking about me? The question was ...was he talking trash or was he talking about my awesome ass?  

So I stared back at them, taking note of the way they were all exactly the same in their filthy frosty french pale splendour. I stared at their frosty faces, so pasty pale they were almost translucent. They were the kind of pale people you never expected to see except perhaps on the pages of Neo-Nazi propaganda from Kallispell, Montana. To be honest, it was really hard to decide who's new smile I should slice first, to make that all-important first impression. Maybe the perfect blondest of them all chick? Or the puff-puff tuff buff boy?  

Gawddamit! I miss my bedazzled box cutters! 

"Yo my ninja ...who those filthy fucking frosties in the back?" I casually interrupted the ninja chick from my Mexican class, whose name I'd long forgotten.

She peeked up to see who I meant, even though from my tone she should have known damn well what was up. They were way far away as possible, from where me and my minorities sat in the lunchroom. So it was safe to stare at them without fear of meeting an excessively interested pair of eyes.

"Oh, we call them the Monster Fosters." My ninja neighbor giggles in flushed embarrassment under her breath like she just scissor-kicked a kegel climax. "The blonde ones are Rosaline and Jaspare Pale, the dark-haired boys are Everett and Eddie Killen and their super strange sister Raven. They all live together outside of town with Dr. Stein and his strange sister wife."   

What struck me strange about this the most was oddly unpopular names...save for Raven. Like weird small town strange names that should have died out after the Great Depressing War. The kinds of names your old-ass grandparent's dead Christmas card friends had. But then again they were Canadian? So maybe wyrd ass names were all the rage up there in communist Canada?  

"Yeah, they seem ...chillaxe ..ish." I struggled with the conspicuous understatement of the year.

"Oh yeah...sooo chillaxe ish. Like they so totes think they are way to cool for this school." Agrees one of the other kinds of Asian minorities I don't recognize. Like you can't exactly tell what kind of Un-American she is? But you know she is something "Other" than the rest of us. So I mark her down as "Other Asian" ...just like they do on all the standardized tests.   

"But super weird. Like Mormon compound cult level weird," Lee adds with another quick kegel giggle.

"Mormons?" My hackles immediately go up and I suppressed a surge of revulsion at the sight of them.  

Mormons, commonly known as the Curse of the High Desert. Going door to door asking for money for the glory of their alien angel baby zombie gods. But mostly bugging the shit out of the rest of us just trying to sleep off our desert drunks.

"Yeah, like they all live totally together on a commune cult compound somewhere out in the woods. And like Everett and Roseline, and Jaspare and Raven ...live together? Like together to-gether, like strange sister wives all having sex together and stuff?" Her voice held all the shock of the small town strange. And it was clear to me that she was super jealous of all the compound cult sex stuff they were doing.  

I had to admit that even in North Vegas, this strange incestuous sister wives shit would Most Def cause some shit to be said. Even though I am no expert on this by any means...but I am pretty sure that underaged incest shit is still pretty much illegal in most states? Well besides Utah and maybe Post Pallin Alaska? But still...a compound cult here in Forked? I really have to wonder why Chief chuck has not shut this shit down like a clown? But maybe he doesn't know all the details of this compound cult child bride sex ring?

"So incest you say?" I mug appreciatively of the horror show that must be like on Mother's Day. "They don't look like family to me..."

"Oh, they're not a real family." She shakes me off. "They're all foster kids. Dr. Stein is really young, in his twenties or early thirties. So all the Monster Fosters are all foster adopted or whatever?"

"Okay yeah, they look a little like foster kids." They all had that same vacant stare of trashcan kids. Like they knew that no one really loved them ...save for their weird incest cult. So more like the forking communist Canadian Mormon Manson family sex cult maybe? 

"So have they always kicked in Forked?" I asked easily.

Surely I would have noticed Mormons lurking around town on one of my many summers here...or not? Maybe they knew better than to come around the old meth lab homestead, when I was here last? Probably, cause old Chief Chucks only religion that I could see was America? IE...beer, guns, and football. 

"No way." She said in a voice that implied it should be totally obvious, even to a new arrival like me. "They just moved down here from somewhere in BFG Canada like ...maybe two years ago?"

 "Ah...I see, said the blind bitch." So it seems that the good doctor snatched up some special cute kids and crossed over from Canada, confirming my suspicions about their filthy frosty origins. 

"Jaspere and Rosalie are both eighteen and aged out of foster care, but they've been with Mrs. Stien since they were eight or nine? So I guess she is like their adopted fake foster mother or something?"

"O-M-D. That's just ...so Canadian of them." I snort in retort.  

But all I can think about at the moment is my own situation with Chief Chuckles. And how that is going to sound when someone retells my story to the next new kid? Yeah, that one bitch Bee is such a snitcher stripper sister-mom snowflake and shit ... it's not even funny!  

"That's pretty special of them to take care of all those kids like that. You know, when they're so young and nubile everything?" I said dryly. Cause I got a good feeling that ol Herr Doktor Stein sounds like he's been playing doctor with his "special children" for a while. 

"Yeah, I guess so." The Other Asian girl in the mix admitted reluctantly. 

I am getting the distinct impression that OA didn't like the doctor and his wife for some reason. I'm thinking that maybe she had one too many chloroform sleepovers at the Munsters that summer after she turned sexy?

With the glances she was throwing at the adopted children, I would presume the reason was jealousy ...or maybe lesbian lust on the slutty blonde one? Hard to say really, now that my gaydar was clearly on the fritz since coming this close to Communist Canada. Or maybe something is wrong with me that I am looking for gayness in all the wrong places? 

Back home I was friendlish with a lot of the rainbow fairy folk...so maybe I am just trying to replace my club kids friendlies with something familiar? Instead of embracing the Forktards, which I would never do unless you paid me. Cause taking money for making friends is like extortion ...and I have sooo not been paid yet.

"I don't think that the Munster's are allowed to have any more foster kids, though? Not ...after the 'last incident'."  Lee added as if that lessened their cultiness. 

I know I am supposably supposed to ask about this "last incident" thing? But TBH, I don't really care enough to hear any more about their home lives. I have enough troubles of my own without looking for lust in all the wrong places.    

Throughout all this conversation, my eyes flickered again and again to the table where the strange foreign Flowers in the Attic foster family cult kids sat. Where they continued to look at the walls trying to find spider clowns. And if I didn't know any better I would swear they were totally high ASF.  

They all had dark eyes with very dark shadows under those eyes purplish bruise-like shadows. As if they were all suffering from a lot of sleepless nights wondering who turn it was in the rumpus room with foster daddy? Or broken noses from being disrespectful to "Father" during his fun time.

Even though they each had a tray of food in front of them, they weren't touching any of that crap. Like somehow they were too good for our freedom-loving American institutional cuisine. I had heard that Canadian kids were super into eating healthy and exercising out in the snow and shit. But again, you can't always beliebe everything you think to yourself.  

I see the small girl Raven pick up her tray, with its unopened diet soda and unpeeled banana. She walks away with a quick furtive scuttle of a methhead looking for leftover crack crumbs on a shag carpet. I watched on amazed at her lithe exotic dancer slide, as she dumps her tray and glides through the backdoor even faster than I would have thought possible. I snort and roll my eyes back to the other frostbacks, who sit uncaring ...staring at the walls watching for clown spiders and shit.

Oh yeah, they all knew she was anorexic ...and probably a cutter to boot? Poor little chicklet had the look of someone who really needed rat scratch all the dirty demons out of her skinsuit.

I eye boned them hard for a minute to get a sense of their frosty style. When the little red-headed looking Eddie Munster one, suddenly looks up and catches me cold. Casual ASF I smirked over and looked him up and down and then away again, like his problems didn't matter to me. Which let's face it ... they so totes don't.

"Which one is the red-headed stepchild looking one again?" I asked.  

"Oh, that's Eddie. He's forking freaky A-S-F. But I wouldn't waste your time trying to get some, because he doesn't date around. Apparently, none of the girls around here are slutty enough for him." Ninja sniffed, a clear case of charred heart syndrome.  

I almost wondered when he'd burnt her, or turned her down and then burned her to the ground? And to be honest I get why he wouldn't want to bang the Ninja tacos twice? After all, she pronounces out "Be" in Be-cuz and uses hyphens and shit when she talks. Like who forking talks that after texting forks-up your English by twelve? I am guessing, that she must have one of those over-achiever dragon-mothers at home, who insist on using SAT words? 

After a few more minutes of our eye boning contest, the foul gang four apparently decides they are done for the day and leave the table. I noticed that they were all very gracefull to some degree. Like they had endured years of beat downs for even the smallest of etiquette errors? Even the big brawny one, that looked like he could prison shower rape the shit out of half the guys here, looked like he was walking on broken glass. TBH, it was a little unsettling to watch, cause I knew where that kind of fear came from. Trust me, I've lived in NLV trailer parks before, so I knew what that look meant ...in all its horrible horror. 

The little one named Eddie looked sideways at me again on the way out the door, with obvious curiosity in his expression. I met his side eye with all the disdain I had for him and his kind of creepy. But this time I bit back my bitchy, and instead gave him a quick hair flip the fork off. Then I glanced at him one last time to make sure he got the game. But his face was slightly angled away, but I saw his eyes were slightly slitty, as if he were smiling too.

Okay, so he is officially interested in my ass now! Next time it will be my turn to play my games and get my name up in this bitch.   

So I sat back at the table with the Lee, Ninja, Other Asian and the rest of the model minorities. A lot longer than I would have if I'd been back home, where all the races segregate like a prison yard. They were talking about some classing stuff that I didn't give two forks about ...and some other stuff that wasn't about me.  

One of my new acquaintances, who constantly trying to catch my eye and kept reminding me that her name was "Angel". I think we already had Mexican together already so we were supposably Amigas now and shit? I didn't have the heart to tell her she wasn't Mal Flores enough to be cool with. But after lunch ended up we walked to next class together in silence. Or I should say I walked in silence and I allowed her to trail slightly behind me on my shoulder. 

Angel was obvi shy and shit, and didn't say a forking word. So I am guessing that she is a closet lesbian, cause I keep catching her trailing behind me and trying to sniff my hair. But like I said I am totos cool with the rainbow crowd, so long as they aren't trying to taste my tangy rainbow taco ...aka T.R.T. Just so long as she is just sniffing around and not trying to touch me. Or cut a lock of my hair for her little lesbian closet shrine to me ...or whatever gets her wet? Anyways...

When we entered the classroom, Angel so wants to sit next to me and braid my hair. It is almost painful to watch her try to figure out how to get one of the two open spots. But alas she is frustrated when it turns out that teacher whatever has his own plans for my fine yoga ass. And unfortunately for ...whatever that chicks name I was just walking with is? They do not include having her braid my hair and watch Blue is the Warmest Color on her water bed.

Cause Mr. Teacher After-Lunch-Class already has a seat for me to drop my taco on. And wouldn't ya know it, right next to the red-headed step-child from hell. That Eddie Munster looking mutherforker! And heartbeat later, I can already feel the coldness of his filthy frosty breath creeping on my soul.   

_______________________________

Hella all my Lovilies!!! Omigod ...that was a super long dong chappie huh? IK right? But like handy's after Homecoming ...somethings just have to be done to get a ride to the next partay!  

So what did you guys think about the lamo lunch cafe? And what did you think of Bee and Eddie first time eye boning each other? Are you sofa king shipping that shit yet or what!?!  IKR???  :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

TRT - Tangy Rainbow Taco  Me and my homegirl Sista Solja came up with that shiznit last week at a par-tay when we were talking trash on that Skank, who shall not be named cuz she complained to Watt-da-fuq. Stupid skanky Skank-a-lot was all staring at us and shit and out of nowhere So Sista said "Get gone Biotch. Cuz we got the right to refuse service to anyone up in this Tangy Taco stand."  

IDK WTF it was about that shit ...but dogdamn...burn!!!  Then again we were blazed ASSSSSSF at the time? So everything was either funny ASF or stupid ASF ...or both...together at once? IDK  

So anyways ...like I still need some input on Bee's brand new best gay friend?

Also, what did you think about Bee's broken gaydar? That so totos happened to me recently too! So I can of empathizing with her about what it feels like to not be able to know exactly what someone's orientation is instantly. It's really super frustrating to find out that you are talking to someone who is "not just like you are".  They get so offended over the gayest shit ...like when the darker tan people call each other mean words? But when you do it, suddenly you're the racist? Some of my best friends go to tanning salons to get that caramel color skin, right? And do not get me started on Snookie from JS. Anyways...    

Okay, did everyone pick up on the fact that Raven has an eating disorder and may or may not be into self-harm? Yeah, I just watched To The Bone movie  ...I was so super sad, especially when I realized it was not a porno. So like if you or anyone you know is thinking about getting an eating disorder of their own to be popular? Yeah, you should total tell them not watch the not porny version of To The Bone. Because that turned out to be so not what I wanted to watch.      

Anyways...and as always don't be a silent reader and shit ...cause that's like wrong and it hurts peeps feels. So read, vote, over-comment, overshare, add to ALL YOUR LIBRARIES EVEN THE SHITTY BAD SAD POETRY ONES!!!  And I know some of you who haven't added my book to ALL YOUR LIBRARIES YET! Don't think I don't know ...cuz I do.  And I don't want to have to name names yet but I will if I have to.  (Bronyboi69, TunaTaco, ScissorKicker17, and BY-BOY-O-BOY.) 

Follow this account, create a lot of fake foreign FB accounts to follow this account, so you can vote more on my stories, and all my friendlies stories, but not my enemies stories. Like that stupid skanky Skank-o-lot (you know who!!!) at WillF*ckU4Votes. Don't think I don't know you reported my upside-down Pilates Princess Pose you skank! And never forget "Snitches get Stitches Bitches!!!"

Oh, and so totes keep my dog Mr. Bobo in your thoughts and prayers cause we are on pins and needles patiently waiting for the test results from his stone sack cancer. And while Mr. Bobo is putting up a good front for the rest of us ...I can tell he is cereal worried big time about his little twin "ball boys". So could everyone please join us and light a candle for "Mr. Bobo's Boys" tonight, and wish them a safe recovery from The Nut Cancer.

Anyways... until next time ...LUV U LUVLIES :) :) :) !!!