After I fired up the Thing I left my excuse for a school. So I slow-rolled out fo the parking lot, bumping the only song that ever made me feel fresher on days like today ...DMX "Up in here". Cause that was one dude that really understood PMS!

"You'all gonna make me lose my cool ...and act the fool up in here? ...up in here...up in here!"

I walked in the house, horny, hungry and in a bloody bad mood, only to discover that Chief Chuck had zero feminine hygiene products in the pantry. So I MacGyvered a quick fix-up real fast from my complimentary Greyhound bus bag. I found it hard to beliebe that with all the single mothers and strippers who must have shame walked in and out of here over the years working off speeding tickets, that not one of them ho's had the courtesy to leave behind so much as a backup plan. But then again Chuck was a cop ...so maybe he didn't want them leaving any evidence of their presence behind? Especially when one of them turned up MIA from a "fixit ticket" date night.     

During my search for the elusive white pony, I also discovered out that we had no real people food in the house. No frozen burritos or pizza hot pockets ...not even so much as an expired can of Spaghetti-O's. So I took the initiative to do some much-needed shopping for chick shit. So armed with the cash from the jar in the sink labeled "BEER MONEY", and I was on my way to the 7-11 to buy pads and whatever else I needed.

I gunned my Thing to life and ignored the nosey forking neighbors that turned in my direction. They looked at my loud thing as I rolled passed them thru the hood bumping DMX, but I didn't give a flying fork. If I was having a bad bloody day ...then they could suck it the fork up and deal! So fork them and their looking looks! So I kept my eyes straight forward and drove straight down the one street lameness with was Downtown Forked, to the one place that held most of my best prepubescent childhood memories ...7-11.

Of course, The Sev was not far from where I am staying, just a few streets south next to the ice-trucker highway like everything else in this one whore town. It was nice to be inside the mini-market again ...for a second it almost felt North Las Vegas normal. Well, save for the fact that the dude behind the counter was not a professional clerk wearing a turban like my old convenience comrade Singh the Shikk. But rather a weird white dude who reminded me of Duh Derick with his hands in his pockets.   

I think that J.D from Heathers said it best when he explained: "I've been moved around all my life. Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas ... There's always been a Snappy Snack Shack. Anytown, anytime ...grab a slushie pop in a ham and cheese in the microwave and feast on a turbo dog. Keeps me sane."

I did most of the shopping at home while sister-mom was sleeping off her latest Hooter's hangover on the regular, so I fell into the pattern of the familiar task easily. I hit the Sev Slushie machine and grab a blood-red slushie to suit my mood. Then walked the metallic shelved isles, while weird Duh Derick's even creepier twenty-something uncle scopes out my yoga ass. The store was loud enough inside with Metalica playing, so that I could almost not hear the constant tapping of the rain on the roof driving me to murder.

"Can I help you find something babycakes?" White trash not-Singh smiles super oil slick at me. But that "Babycakes" bullshit at the end just set me the fork off. So I go right from Zero to Bitchy Bombs in one second flat.

"Yeah, asshole." I seethe back. "Where you keep the forking könt canoe plugs at for that time of the month up in this bitch? Before I bleed out all over the floor and force you clean it up face first, motherforker!!!"

Of course, he gives me the "Ew uck" face all manlings get when you explain the "time of the Moon" to their small manling minds. 

"Isle over beer?" He points over to the coolers, without making eye contact.

And almost honestly, I really feel like sharing my bad day with this guy until he runs out of screams. Every bloody detail of it so he can run screaming back to his mother's basement and tell all his elf friends in World of Witchcraft that they are all a lot safer just staying alone at home. Cause bitches be bitches ...not some puff-puff-fluff Maxim interview with the slut-o-the-month.

I think if I had a centerfold profile it would read: I like hardcore gansta rap, taking long walks on the beach by myself. Then breaking wanna be bad boys until they bleed like bitches and run out of screams. My internal monologue is now kicking my PM-Messing into overdrive.  

Oh yeah asshole ...ask me again what bleeds for three days and doesn't die? Oh shit, let me think about that for a minute? O'right ...you tied up in your mother's basement backwards after I am done getting Gimp medieval on your ass with the big end of a pool cue. Yeah muther-forker tell me another one of your funny menstrual jokes and let's see just where the bad day takes us? Cause I am thinking I need to share my pain with someone. So let's talk all about our feelings ...I feel that YOU need to feel MY pain! So now it's our turn to scream bloody murder, bitch-boy!         

With my mental menstrual monologue in full effect, I stomp around and find my size of white ponies. I also note that Budweiser beer is also on sale ...a twelver for ten bucks. So good enough for Chief Chuck's breakfast of champions ...wheat-meal in a cold filter can. When I am done with my shopping I stomp up to the sleazy nerd and drop my shit on the counter like a boss.

"Okay ...so I'm gonan need to see some ID for that beer?" I note with some small satisfaction that he leaves "babycakes" bullshit out of this stupid statement. 

"Whatever."  I flash him my Forked High school ID.

"Ah...that's a high school ID? So no way I can sell you beer."  He shakes his head hard.

"Oh really?" I smirk. "Why don't you take another hard look at that ID and then say my name Bitch-Boy!"

"Belladonna ...Blackswan?" And I can literally see him shrink away from me like I had cooties. 

"Oh shit, look at you foo! You can forking read and everything."  I snort. "Now ring this shit up before I slice you a new suck smile."

"I'm sorry but I need some..." He starts whining like the little bitch-boy he is. 

"No, what you need is to spend some quality time getting snugglefucked by a big booty bandit after your big rape shower premier party in my dad's jail cells."  I cut him off clean. "Right after I tell daddy ...who you might know as Police Chief Chuck Blackswan that you tried to rub my ass for luck when I bent over to pick up his beer?" I eye bone him hard bending him to my big bitch witch willpower. 

"Now you have a choice to make bitch-boy. You want to go for strike three asshole? Take a chance on a ride to the dark side? Get your salad tossed sideways  ...and end up in therapy for the next decade crying over the phantom limb pain your bad bitch-boy bunghole? Or you just want to ring this shit up like a good little bitch-boy? Then count your lucky fucks that I don't slice you a new smile for looking at me wrong?"

After two seconds of my full-on Bloody Bitch Face, he swallows his pride ...which I assume is better than swallowing his cellmate and rings the shit up. 

"That will be sixteen even ...cash."  I sorta whines at me.

"Forking take that twenty like a truckstop stripper." I toss a twenty at him and give my new bitch a good dogdamn glare down until his eyes drop to his toes. And that's when I see something else I want even more than to cut this bitch boy.

 "That boxcutter on the back counter ...how much?" I nod over to the object of my desire.

"Ah...that's an official 7-11 employee box cutter. So we don't sell those." He whines somethgn that sounds a lot like an excuse. 

"Do I look like I want a job here muther forker?" I snap back on the attack.  "No...I do forking not look like I want a job up in this bitch, now do I?"

"Ah...no?" Bitch-Boy winces.

"Good, then you give them away as promotions to highly valued customers ...just like me." I seethe. "So I'll take two ...and some extra blades to boot."

"But we only have the one for store use..."  He starts to say something I could care less about.

"Now muther forker...now!" I bark at him like a bad dog.   

He jumps like a high-strung poodle bitch that he is and grabs the blade and dumps it in the bag with the beer and my box of Bitch-be-gone's.  

"Keep the change ...and buy some breath mints bitch, cause you smell like dirty dicks." I crush into what's left of his pride. "Now say 'thank you come again'...and we can both get back to our lives."

"Thank you...come again?"

"Dogdamn dude! Do they not train you people correctly? Next time do it right, with an Indian accent ...like a real forking professional. Take some forking pride in your profession, people count on you for correct condoms and winning lottery tickets and shit ...you forking asshole!"

I stomp out of the store feeling a little better about myself. I find that when I am having a bad day it really helps when I make someone feel a little worse about their life. Now if I could only find a heavyset thirteen-year-old boy to body shame on the way home ...fait accompli!   

But as fate would hate it junior high must have gotten out early today, so no thirteen-year-olds to shame into their first suicide attempt. When I got back to the place I am now calling home, I dumped all the beer in the beer drawer what other people call the cheese crisper. Then head my bad flower upstairs to my attic to dump my shit off. After which I take a long Silkwood shower to wash the last of the bitchy off my perfectly smooth skin. Then I do what needs to be done to stop the bleeding and pop a couple of Midols before sucking down some more vape to change my attitude from "Bitchy Bomber" back to just Bitched-off at life.  

When I was finished with that shit, I changed into a pair of JUICY ass sweats, pulled my damp hair up into a pony-tail and I sat back in my bed and had a good sigh. Before starting checking my social media and checked my texts for the first time today. I had three messages from some strange lady who seemed to know me. I have always been slightly psychic since I was born under a blood moon, so I knew something was off about this shit.

UNKNOWN: Bee my Bitchess...why haven't you called or texted me since you left Vegas? Text me back as soon as you get this shit and let me know you are cool.  

I stared at the text for a long time trying to figure it out and its mysterious sender. It had to be from someone who knew me ...but not that well? Cause anyone who really knew me already knew I was always cool. So why would I have to let some stranger know "I was cool"?  I eventually gave up trying to figure this shit out with a shrug and went to the next text. It was sent two minutes after the first and read :

UNKNOWN:  Belladonna! Why haven't you text me back yet, bitch? Are you dead raped in a ditch by drifters somewhere?

"Huh?" I tilt my head at this one. There was something really familiar about that 'dead raped by drifter ditch' thing that seemed to resonate? But I can't quite put my finger on who would be bugging me with these kinds of questions. I mean who the fork did this strange lady think she was my ...

"Oh shit ...mutherfucker???"

I swiped to the next message sent two minutes ago while I was getting my shower on.

UNKNOWN:  If I haven't heard from you by the end of Hooters happy hour today I'm calling Chief Chuckie. And you better have a dogdamn good reason for ghosting me...you selfish self-centered little Bee-itch!!!

I checked the clock and saw I still had an hour left of happiness but sister-mom was well known for drinking early and often. But I still had to make sure it was really her, and not someone pretending to be her. I knew that trick, the one where they try talk to me and find out where she was at so that they could collect on the cable bill again. I already fell for that shit once when I was six, so I knew how insidious cable companies could be when they wanted their overdue money. The first month is free...then we own that ass! 

BEE: Who is this and how did you get this number?

UNKNOWN: Bee-itch it's me...mommee!!!

Well for one thing, whoever this was they sure misspelled shit like my mother. But I had to be sure ...a lot of those cable customer service people were just as uneducated as my sister mom was ...and twice as tricky.

BEE: Bullshit! I don't have a mommy she is dead in the desert. So who da fork is this really?  

UNKNOWN: Dogdammit Bee ...it's me! Your slightly older Sister'mother? Now you get it, Bitchess? Or do I have to spell shit again? And why are you saying that Fork word, instead of talking normal?

BEE:  This number be blocked and shit mutherfucker. So how do I know it's really you ...whoever you are pretending to say you are?

UNKNOWN: That's cause I am calling from a prepaid burner phone you stupid bitchess! Cause you live with the muther fucking Cheif of Police now bitch! And I don't need him up in my shit knowing things ...I like to keep the mystery that me alive and well. You know...just in case I need a place to crash real fast?

Okay yeah, that sounds exactly like something my sister-mother would think of.

BEE: Oh hey ho ...yeah Sissy-Madre. Órale chica, ¡wassápenin! Where you be at bitch?

UNKNOWN: I be home at Hooters Bee-itch  ...where the hell else would I be at during happy hour? And why the fuck haven't you called or texted to check in for a week? I thought something happened to you! So I almost called Chuckie to find out if you even showed up. How many times did I tell you how dangerous Greyhound bus bathrooms can be?

Shit did I lose some time again? I looked around for that thing that keeps track of days, but all I can find is a decade old Playboy calendar up on the wall... then something occurs to me. My sister/mother and I have always been in this psychic synch when it comes to our PM-Messing whore moans. So if I am having an onset of feeling things? That must mean...

BEE: Look mutherfucker you need to slow that roll right now  ...your PM-Messing up on me. So you need to calm the fork down and pop a pill for that shit and slow that roll. Like I am ob-vee-usly alive...cause like I'm texting right now ain't I? So don't do anything stupid ...just put down the bitchy-bombs and step away from your crazy place. You know how you get when you are all whore-moanal and shit?

UNKNOWN: ... 

UNKNOWN: ...

UNKNOWN: ...

Based on the repetitive three dumbass dots repeating themselves at me I can totally tell she is trying to think things again. 

UNKNOWN: Oh shit baby Bee...I ain't ORT? I think I am pregers. How the hell did that happen!?!

BEE: Okay ...so when a man loves a woman, but he can't be with her ...he starts drinking. And then when he is drunk enough he does something called "making do with what he's got on hand" at closing time. Some people call it "Settling for what you can get", which is where chicks like you come in handy. Get it...handy? Like if you can't bone the one you want, you might as well bone the one your with at 2 am. And as we both know your standards are pretty low to begin with...and after a couple of drinks? And well ...we both know just how low you can go, right? 

UNKNOWN: ...

UNKNOWN: ...

UNKNOWN: ...

UNKNOWN: Ha! Gotcha! I was totally checking it was you and not one of Chuckie's strippery skanks. Who got a hold of your phone pretending to be you, looking for me cause of the cable company again.  

Yeah, great minds sometimes think a lot of the same thoughts.  

BEE: Ha...ha...ha. I am way too young to be a Sister-Aunt you stupid slut!

UNKNOWN: Ha...ha...ha. I almost miss you too Bitchess:) So anywhore ...how you be hanging? Forking hating life yet and crying to come home to NLV?

BEE: Everything is everything. Of course, it's raining like piss every other day. School sux shimy dix and is tarded ASF. I met some minority kids who want to sit by me at lunch and smell my hair for some reason. Oh, and I already got a gay bestie...so vagina monologues are so on.  

UNKNOWN: Oh hey speaking of weed ...did forget you were supposed to pick up for me on Friday before you left NLV? Or what?

BEE : Sounds a lot like your problem Snowflake. Oh and Chuck bought me a truck, can you believe it? Well, he didn't exactly buy it but jacked it from impound after a drunken Indian dude who pulled a header into a tree. It's really old and shit, but it could so run down a familia of frosties without even slowing down. Which is good, you know, for me to have when North Communist Canada Invades like on Red Dawn. The new one ...not that old ass shit you made me watch with that Tiger Blood dude you claimed you "danced" for one night at that truck stop in Barstow... when we had crappy cable.

UNKNOWN:  Okay, so sounds you got your shit straight then. Well, time is money ...so I gotta go do some shit now. So TTYL Bitchess.

BEE: Later Hater.  

As an afterthought I remembered to throw in my old exit wish went she went out to "Work"

BEE: Try to drunk drive safely and shit...and try not get lost in the desert again?

UNKNOWN: You too Bitchess.

After talking time with Sister Mom I felt slightly better about my latest life choices. So I decided to read Kim Kardashian's Twitter account for a while. Cause if there was one bitch that knew how to turn a sex tape into a thriving entertainment empire it was Kim K. My theory is that Kim's mother was a lot like mine ...always looking for an angle to pimp her kids out to the next big thing to come along. But still too stupid to recognize the real talent right in front of her face. But thankfully for impressionable girls everywhere, Kim showed everyone just want she could do when she put her money where her mouth was!      

______________________________

Authoress Notes and Feels

Hella all my Luvlies!!! Omigod Can you "Beliebe" I thought up another story so fast!?! And that was a super bitchy chappie huh? IK right?  But I really wanted to show another side of Bee...like more in touch with her humanity. 

So what did you guys think about Bee mini-mart meltdown??? Do you think that was reasonable? Because I soooo do!  I cannot count how many times I have not been in the mood for some boy bullshit and one of them just has to say something stupid like: "Hey Moonie your titties look swole up ASF ...you OTR?"  As if I didn't already know that!  And bitchy bombs away....Boom Boom BOOM mutherforker take that shit!!!   

And even more importantly Bee finally got a hold of a box-cutter! So you know what is coming soon ...some Bitches be getting some Stitches!  

So this week's Word of the day is obviously PM-Messing  Like PMS + Mess + PM-Messing. I can't take credit for this little ditty ...cause that's what my dad says to my Sister-Mother whenever she is being a bitchy-pants. (Every other dogdamn day)  As in "Why are you Pm-Messing all over me about this shit? Can't you see I am watching the ball game with Bobo?"

So anyways... like I need some feedback on the big sex scene coming up with Bee and ______????  (Left emotionally blank) 

So can you guess who she is going bone home on yet ???  Well here is a hint...it won't be the nerdy-pervy 7-11 clerk that's for sure? Maybe she will take a long shot at turning Mikey straight? Maybe give Duh Derick a show for his special bubble bath time? Or maybe she will let Angel the Other Asian go to dive down to downtown like at Scissor Kick summer cheer camp. Not naming any names here but you know who you are!!!!  Stupid skanky skank-a-lot who shall not be named ...C-word that rhymes with "ortney"  

So anyway... as always don't be a silent reader and shit ...cause that's like wrong and it hurts peeps feels. So read, vote, over-comment, overshare, add to ALL YOUR LIBRARIES... EVEN THE BAD SHITTY RANDOM FANDOM ONES!!! Follow this account, create a lot of fake accounts to follow this account, so you can vote more on my stories, and all my friendlies stories, but not my enemies stories. Like that stupid skank (you know who) at F*ck4votes... such a tot's vote slut.

And I don't know how many times I am gonna have to say this until certain people get the point...ADD THIS BOOK TO ALL YOUR LIBRARIES!!!! And don't think I don't know if you have or not ...cuz I do. And I don't want to have to name names yet but I will if I have to. (TacoTuesday, BelieberBronyBoi69, WillFork4Food, TunaxTaco, Scissorkicker7000, Butttoys4badboys, Pinappplepuree, Mangoman ...ect.)

Oh and please keep my dog Mr. Bobo in your thoughts and prayers cause ...today was a very difficult day for all of us. This morning we had to break the bad news to Bobo about his balls over breakfast. He was really brave and only cried a little into his bowl of cheerios for his soon to be snippy-snapped nutsack. But to cheer him up I told him my big news... that's right Luvlies ...Balls4Bobo is officially up and ruining at GoFundMe.com!!!!  Can you belibe it bitches!!!  

So if you can find it in your heart if you could spare a few extra hundred dollars for Bobo's new Neuticles (prosthetic testicular implants for dogs) ...that would be sooo super stellar of all you. We want to get the best artificial replacement balls that we can all afford and then bedazzle them to all hell so all the other dogs will be hella jealous of Bobo's Balls.  

I am thinking of having them bedazzled up to say "Suck it Bitches!"  So I anyone has any better thoughts and feels let me know in the comments!  

And again if you or one of your loved ones is suffering from pre-op canine testicular depression know that you are not alone! For more information about canine self-esteem and neuticles go to: http://www.neuticles.

Anyways... until next time ...LUV U LUVLIES !!!!!