Step forward

"Bring her car to her condo unit. I'll message you the address." Ani Carl sa kanyang driver.

Nagkibit-balikat nalamang ako at hinayaan siyang mag-tipa sa kanyang cellphone habang ako'y nag-hahanap ng komportableng pwesto sa loob ng kanyang sasakyan.

Nang mahanap ko ito ay binaling ko ang tingin sa harapan at hinayaan ang sariling namnamin ang napaka-gandang imahe sa harapan ko.

The view is wide and beautiful.

Ethereal.

"Did you ever feel like missing someone and you can't do anything about it?"

Bahagya ko siyang nilingon dahil sa kanyang tanong.

"Yeah.. of course." Tugon ko.

Muli kong binalik ang tingin sa harapan kung saan tanaw na tanaw namin ang mga bituin sa langit. Nag-niningning ang mga ito at hindi ko mapigilan ang mamangha sa ganda nila.

They are glowing and it's making me feel like we're out, away from the city.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mayroon sa araw na ito pero tila napaka-espesyal ng lahat. From the moment I saw him earlier until at this very moment, kung saan kasama ko siya sa loob ng kanyang kotse habang nakatanaw kami sa kalangitan.

Dinala niya ako sa isang open space na alam kong pagmamay-ari ng mga Montgomery. Balak nila itong gawing fire-range kung hindi ako nagkaka-mali.

"I felt that when I went to Argao, five years ago. I felt that whenever I put distance between us. I felt that whenever I let you near Adrian. I always miss you even though I'm at fault of missing you." He truthfully said.

Napaismid ako dahil sa narinig.

"I don't believe you."

"Why?" Lito niyang tanong.

Nilingon ko siya at sinalubong ako ng kanyang mga mata.

He has this beautiful deep set of eyes which I don't have the courage to stare for so long. They're intimidating and too much to handle, napaka-swerte ng mga taong tinitignan ng mga 'yon sa araw-araw.

"Hm.." I shrugged. "I don't know. I just don't. You can't just go around telling me you miss me when your actions show otherwise."

Napaawang ang kanyang labi at napahawak ang kanyang kaliwang kamay sa manibela. Napailing-iling siya na para bang may naintindihan siyang bagay na matagal niyang tinutuklas kung ano ang ibig-sabihin.

"I forgot how hard headed you are." Aniya.

I smirked. "I'm not hard headed. I listen to people, Carl. I always do. It's just that, I don't trust people easily. That's different."

He stared back at me and listen to me intently. I can't help myself but to feel affected by that, I have this thing with people who listen to what I'm saying as if everything I say is important.

I feel so special whenever he does-- listen to me.

Lagi naman, kahit noon pa.

"Years ago, I liked you." Lakas loob kong pag-amin.

I paused.

Pinanuod ko ang kanyang reaksyon. Kita ko ang pag-lunok niya, pag-galaw ng kanyang mga mata na para bang hindi niya inaasahan ang sinabi ko at ang pag-tagis ng kanyang bagang.

Too handsome.

Lihim akong napangiti habang pinagmamasdan siya. Pakiramdam ko ay nanalo ako sa isang laro na hindi ko alam na kasali ako.

I just made Carl James Montgomery flustered, isn't that something to be proud of?

"W-what?" Gulat niyang tanong.

Ngumiti ako. "Sabi ko, noon.. gusto kita." Pag-uulit ko.

There's nothing to be ashamed of. Totoo naman iyon, noon ay talagang nagustuhan ko siya. Sino ba naman ang hindi? Simula noong makilala ko siya ay wala siyang pinakita kung hindi ang kanyang pagiging responsable sa lahat ng bagay.

A guy with principle, love for his family, smart and has dreams.

Who wouldn't?

Pero sa likod ng 'yon ay nagustuhan ko siya dahil sa kanyang drive. Tuwing may gusto siyang bagay ay ma-ingat niyang pinagpa-planuhan ang lahat, gagawin niya ang lahat para makuha ang mga bagay na gusto niya, hindi siya basta-basta sumusuko at hindi ko napansin na kahit anong tulak ko sa kanya palayo noon ay siya rin pagka-hulog ko habang nakikita ko kung gaano niya pag-hirapan ang lahat.

That somehow, I wished I could be worthy of his effort.

But that was before, noong bata pa ang isip ko. Noong maayos pa ang pamilya ko at ang tanging hiling ko ay makulay na buhay, kung saan ang isang tulad ni Carl Montgomery ay pag-hihirapan akong makuha.

A childish dream.

Through the years that passed, I realized that I can't just hope for somebody to fulfill my happiness.

I learned that I don't need a man to get the things that I want, to feel loved nor to feel I'm worthy of someone's effort because I am. I am worthy because I am me.

I built my name to be known as somebody who can stand on her own.

"If you liked me before then why did you reject my proposal?" Tanong niya na para bang naguguluhan pa din.

I took a deep breath. "Because we were young back then. Hindi pa nga kita ga'non kakilala noon at para sa akin ay pinagti-tripan mo lang ako. Tulad nga ng sinabi ko, you're so confusing. Acting so close then distant. What would you expect me to do? Jump and say yes? I'm not that type of girl, you know that." Tugon ko.

Marahas siyang napabuga ng hangin.

Ako'y nangingiti lamang habang pinagmamasdan siya. Hindi ko alam na ganito pala ka-saya sa feeling na makita ang frustrations niya, hindi dahil gusto ko siyang frustrated pero dahil alam kong kabisado niya na ang pag-kontrol sa mga emosyon niya.

It's a must, with the environment they have.

So seeing him this frustrated feels like so damn fulfilling.

"And now? What do you feel now? I mean.. for me?" May bahid ng kaba niyang tanong.

Now?

Ano nga ba? May paraan ba para malaman 'yon? Agad bang malalaman 'yon?

"Hindi ko alam.." I breathed.

Nag-salubong ang kanyang dalawang kilay dahil doon. "What? Why? You should know.."

Napangiwi ako. "Anong you should know ka diyan? Bakit? Ikaw ba alam mo kung anong nararamdaman mo sa akin ngayon? At kung alam mo man, sigurado ka ba? Besides, naguguluhan pa rin ako sa'yo. You were the busiest man on earth before you acted like this.."

I bit my lower lip. "Like you're so available all of a sudden. Nag simula lang naman 'to noong pumunta ako sa bahay nina Adrian at pinakilala niya akong girlfriend--"

"Exactly!" Bulalas niya.

Nanlaki ang aking mga mata sa bahagyang pag-taas ng boses niya. Natigilan ako at napatunganga lamang sa kanya habang siya'y parang sasabog na.

What did I do?

"Exactly what?"

"That.. exactly that." Aniya sa mababang boses.

Exactly what?

"My world went crazy at that very moment. I still have a lot of things to fix and then you and Adrian created that situation which pushed me to move forward. I'm going crazy with that, you know?"

Napalunok ako.

"Are you saying that.. you're being like this because of that situation?" Paninigurado ko.

Napabitaw siya sa manibela at napasandal sa kanyang upuan. Napatingin siya sa taas at huminga ng malalim, nanatili lamang akong nakatingin sa kanya habang hinihintay siyang sagutin ako.

"No.. yes.. parang ga'non."

Umiling ako at napahawak sa kanyang braso.

"Answer me clearly, Carl. Let's stop with the clues and unclear words we always say to each other. Tell me now. Ano ba talagang nangyayari? Because honestly, wala akong alam. I don't want to assume and all that's why as much as possible, I don't give meaning to your actions."

Muli siyang bumaling sa akin na nagpa-bitaw ng pagkaka-hawak ko sa kanya.

I don't really like the feeling it gives me. The feeling of touching him and the feeling of getting burned while my skin and his.. are touching.

Nakakapanlambot at nakakapanikip ng puso.

"I like you, Kathleen."

My lips parted.

"Can't you see that? Isn't obvious? I like you a lot. Or maybe.. it's even more than that. I'm not sure." Buong-buo niyang pag-amin.

Umiling ako at napaiwas ng tingin dahil parang malulusaw ako sa klase ng tingin na ginagawad niya sa akin. Isa pa, parang kakapusin ako ng hangin at hindi nakakatulong ang pagkaka-kulob namin sa loob ng kotse niya.

His intoxicating perfume is all over me and I'm getting addicted.

"You can't say that.."

"I can." Maagap niyang balik.

"I liked you for years, Kath. I kept my distance because I don't want to scare you like how I did when I claimed that we were dating. Because, I can't be near you knowing that I can't claim you as mine so I thought that it would be better for me to keep my distance once in a while. Then Argao happened.. and it was the death of me because you're too far but I also realized that whatever I feel for you is stronger than I thought. But everything came into question when Adrian said that you were his girlfriend, I know it was only for the sake of his promise to her mom and dad, but still.. it triggered me."

This is too much..

Too much for a day.

Here he is, saying that he likes me for so long and that maybe he feels more. Something that I never imagined he would say.

Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

But he did.

"It triggered me, Kath." Pag-kuha niya sa atensyon ko na parang liliparin na dahil sa pagka-gulat.

Everything about me is in shock.

"Oh--okay." Bulong ko.

I sighed and took a deep breath.

"It triggered you-- then what?"

I stared back at him and saw him reached for me. Before I even move away, he already touched my hand. He held it softly and carefully, like it was sort of a glass that could break easily.

His touch were slow and breath taking.

Nakakapanuyo ng lalamunan at ang puso ko ay unti-unting bumibilis ang tibok ng puso.

Tila ang katawan ko ay nag-hahangad pa, hindi sapat ang hawak niya. I want him closer, I want to touch him too but I held myself back.

"It scared me that my family would push it. I don't want you to be a Montgomery.." he trailed.

Nanakit ang puso ko nang marinig 'yon.

Ayaw niya ako maging Montgomery? I never wanted to be one.. hindi ko naman hinangad 'yon at hindi rin naman binibigay sa akin ni Adrian 'yon. Alam kong alam naman niya ang tungkol doon kaya bakit kailangan niyang sabihin sa akin ito?

"That won't happen, don't worry--"

"I don't want you to be a Montgomery if I'm not the reason." Mabilis niyang putol sa aking sasabihin.

Again, I was speechless.

I watched him bit his lower lip and smiled a little like he said something he should be proud of.

Ang puso ko ay nag hihirap na dahil sa sobra-sobrang emosyon, hindi ko na rin alam kung paano ako hihinga ng maayos. Nanlalamig na rin ang aking mga kamay at tanging ang hawak niya nalang ang nagpapa-init dito.

"Starting today, I won't keep my distance anymore. I'll walk towards you even closer. I'll continue my plans for us and I'll show them to you little by little. You don't have to do anything because I know what you feel for me already. You liked me once, I'll make sure you'll fall for me again." Mapanuyo niyang sabi.

His voice sounded so sweet and careful.

I never thought that I would be so emotional just by hearing something like this. It sounds so sure and real, I hope I could trust easily because I would give him that if only I can.

"I'm afraid, Carl." Halos pabulong kong sabi.

I wanted to ask him about the girl in Argao, kung bakit parang wala siyang balak banggitin sa akin 'yon pero kung tutuusin, wala naman akong karapatan na malaman 'yon.

On the side note, he's still looking for her. Bakit kaya? Damn. I want to ask but I feel like I'll ruin the moment and I don't have the will to ask.

Not now..

"I still have my mom to find, my dad's new family as a problem.. I have a lot of baggage to carry. I don't know if I still have the courage to trust. You know what I've been through.."

Nanlambot ang kanyang mga matang nakatingin sa akin.

"I'll find her for you, I told you that already right? It's my word, a Montgomery's word. I'm true to my words." Aniya.

So assuring..

I smiled and nodded.

I know he'll find her. It's something I know I can't question.

"You don't have to think about your dad's new family, you just have to be with me. But for now, let me gain your trust first. I want to earn it.."

Muli akong tumango habang ang mga mata ay mataman lamang nakatingin sa kanya.

I felt a hand clutched my heart while his hand held my hand tighter.

His thumb slightly touched the back of my palm and caress it.

"I'll talk to Adrian, I want him to pull you out from his lies. I won't let my family believe that you're his girl."