This is not the last chapter

Carl's side

"Carl Montgomery"

Captivating... voice.

I stopped the moment I heard my name from her lips.

Ilang segundo rin akong hindi nakahuma sa narinig. Hindi ko inaasahan ang pag kikita namin dito. What is she doing here? On the top of that, gabi na. Don't tell me ay dito siya nag didinner? Kasabay ang pinsan kong malapit ko ng itakwil.

Tumikhim ako at lumingon. I gave her the most normal look I can give her despite the fact that I just want to drop everything and claim her right here.

She's so beautiful...

Everything about her shouts elegance. Bawat galaw niya, bawat kibot ng kanyang mga labi, nakakapanghina. Tila isa siyang babasaging pinggan na gustong gusto ko pag ingatan.

Captivating... that's who she is.

"Dra. Kathleen Fae Camongol." Tanong ko ng may himig ng pag tataka. 

Oh... she's closing her door....

No!

No...

I need to come up with something. Hindi pwede mag tapos ang pag uusap namin ng gani-ganito lang. This rarely happens, I must not waste this chance.

"What are you doing here?" Dagdag kong tanong sabay sara rin ng pintuan ng aking kotse.

I saw how her eyes shifted from being calm to slightly agitated.

Why?

Hindi ko tuloy mapigilan na mas umusbong ang kuryosidad ko. Seeing her in this state, not knowing what to answer me, makes me damn curious. I want to know what's running inside her pretty little head.

I want to hear more from her...

"Well..." 

I took the chance. "Do you have any business here?" Tanong ko sabay hakbang palapit sa kanya.

Ngunit hindi ko alam na ganon-ganon lang niya masasaktan ang puso ko. The moment I stepped closer, she took a step backward.

I felt it.

That heart piercing feeling.

Is she that uncomfortable around me?

Hindi ko naman siya masi-sisi, I know I made things awkward for the both of us... since that day...

"I don't think that's a question I need to answer from you." Balik niya sa akin gamit ang tonong alam kong mas mag uudyok sa aking malaman ang tinatago niya.

Kathleen, I memorized the different tones you have already, and I know when you're not telling the truth—when you're denying. Which you do, a lot.

"Babe!"

Napalingon ako sa narinig kong boses.

Babatiin ko sana ang pinsan ko nang tuluyang pumasok sa sistema ko ang narinig. 

Babe?

"Adrian?" Naguguluhang tanong ko habang hindi ko alam kung sino sa kanila ang titignan ko.

Ngiting-ngiti siyang lumapit sa amin, lalo na kay Kathleen na mas nag painit ng ulo ko.

Fuck. Gusto ko siya hilahin palayo sa kanya.

"Bro! Buti naman nakapunta ka. So I guess, you've met my girl already?" Inosenteng tanong ni Adrian.

Halos natigalgal ako sa narinig. Tila tumigil ang oras at hindi ko alam ang sasabihin o ang gagawin.

I even think that I look funny right now. 

But, I just can't hide how shock and confused I am. I feel bad. I feel mad. Damn mad— that I want to punch Adrian for claiming her as his girl.

Nanuyo ang aking lalamunan.

I never felt so scared. Pakiramdam ko lahat ng pinlano ko ay gumuho sa harapan ko.

Pinakatitigan ko sila, lalo na ang babaeng gumugulo sa isip ko segu-segundo pero hindi ko mapigilan ang mas maguluhan habang pinagmamasdan siya. She looks so uncomfortable, her eyes look so guilty.

Even their stance tells me something. 

There is something. Pinagaralan ko to noon para sa business namin. It's me who normally faces our clients or business partners that's why I made sure that I am always a step ahead from them.

Sunod kong nilingon ang pinsan ko na mas lalong nagkompirma sa aking naiisip. I know him so well, I knew him since God knows when, we literally spent our days together and I just know his eyes even if he don't say anything.

Fuck you, Adrian.

Why are you doing this? Bakit si Kathleen pa?

I'll fucking kill you.

"Your girl?" Tanong ko at sunod na kumubli ang aking ngisi.

"I can manage, sanay naman ako dito. Pwede ka ng bumalik doon. Salamat." 

Nauubos na ang pasensya ko. Buong dinner ko sila inoobserbahan para lamang malaman ko kung tama ba ang naiisip ko. I even ditched dinner with my family just so I could stay a little longer.

Hindi ako matatahimik kung hindi ko malalaman ang totoo.

But... what if, mali talaga ako? Paano kung hindi ko lang matanggap ang katotohanan sa harapan ko?

Damn it.

"Niligawan ka niya talaga?" I bravely asked.

Kunot-noo niya akong tinignan at kita ko na hindi niya nagugustuhan ang inaakto ko. Her expression says it all.

Am I pissing you, love? I am more pissed by what you and my cousin are playing... 

"You can go back, Carl. I said I can manage." Pag iwas niya sa tanong.

Can't answer huh?

I took a deep breath for her to see that I am serious about my questions.

"Are the two of you serious?" Pagpupumilit kong itanong.

Sinara niya ang gripo at bumaling sa akin. 

That's right, love...

Look at me. 

Me. Only.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin para mag salubong ang aming mga tingin, at para bang may kumalabog sa loob ko nang mangyari 'yon. 

"Teka nga.." may kabagalan niyang sabi.

I admit. I can feel the tension between us.

Hindi ko alam kung saan 'yon nanggagaling but it is definitely there. I hope that it's not bad... to have this between us. 

Nanliit ang kanyang mga mata habang nag pupunas ng kamay, tila may iniisip at nag hahanap ng mga salita. 

Her hands— how I dreamt of holding them.

I hid my nervousness and remained leaning on the refrigirator. Ginawa ko 'yon kahit na gustong gusto ko tawirin ang natitirang distansya na meron kami.

The kitchen was naturally big but being with her, standing so close, here... with her... alone... it felt suddenly small.

"Why are you even talking to me? I can't even remember the last time you spoke to me. We're not even close. So, ano 'to?"

I was taken a back by what she asked. I felt that lump in my throat. 

Tama siya, ngayon ko na lamang siya muling sinubukan kausapin. Matagal din akong umiwas, isa na sa dahilan ang pagiging abala sa trabaho pero mas nangingibabaw ang dahilan na hindi ko siya kayang makita habang alam kong hindi pa siya handa na pasukin ko ang mundo niya.

She's been through a lot...

Besides, I am still building the future I want for her— for the both of us, because I want to give her the whole world.

"Well.."

I stood up properly and faced her.

"You're so mean for not remembering the days we talked. I talked to you before.. when I asked you to date me."

Yes, I asked her to date me before. I actually claimed we were dating and I regret doing that. I regret it but glad that she turned me down because I realized how different she is from the girls around us.

Wala naman sa akin kung hinayaan niya ako noon, how I wish! But, it made me admire her more—if that was even possible because I admire her so much already.

It's just... Uno told me that girls like it when we try to be aggressive. Noong mga panahon na 'yon, wala akong kaalam-alam dahil siya lang naman ang babaeng tinitignan ko, inoobserbahan at gustong gusto ko kinakausap. So I don't really know how to deal with girls.

So I asked Uno what to do and he told me to do it. 

Fuck him. Bakit nga ba ako naniwala sa kanya?

"You consider that talking?" She sarcastically asked.

Bahagya siyang napabuga ng hangin at humalukipkip. "Really? You consider that talking?"

Cute.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

Very cute.

"For your information, I don't consider that talking and you didn't ask! You claimed we are dating-- nevermind. I should't even have this kind of conversation with you. Matutuyo lang ang utak ko sa'yo." Puno ng diin niyang sabi.

Hindi ko alam pero kaysa mainis ako dahil parang ayaw niya talaga akong makausap ay mas lalo pa ako natuwa. Sa loob-loob ko ay talagang natutuwa ako dahil gustong-gusto ko nakikita ang iba't ibang ekspresyon niya.

And I'll make sure, starting today, I'll see them all, every day.

But before that, I must know what's going on first. To modify my plans, I must know where it went wrong.

"Nakakasawa naman kung araw-araw kami magkikita, hindi na healthy 'yon." Pagputol niya kay Adrian.

Really? That's the best she got?

I was pushing her buttons, I know. Kanina ko pa kinekwestyon ang namamagitan sa kanila ni Adrian at alam kong naiinis na siya pero hindi ako makakapayag gayong nakikita ko sa bawat minutong lumilipas na tama ang hinala ko.

If they are really together now, alam kong mukha lang akong katawatawa dahil sa ginagawa ko pero nasisigurado ko talaga na may kapupuntahan tong pag dududa ko.

Especially now that Adrian looks so scared.

He knows me. He knows I won't stop...

...and if he's not hiding anything, wala siya dapat ikatakot.

A smirk showed on my lips.

"Are the two of you really in a relationship? Because if I am your boyfriend, I'll see you every day, fucking every day. I won't be able to sleep until I see you. I'll always want to be with you, to stick with you, to talk to you, to date you and to spend more time with you. Hinding hindi ako makukuntento sa soon. Hinding hindi ako magsasawa. Kulang pa nga 'yon... kasi, hindi ako titigil hanggang hindi ko napapalitan ang apelyido mo."

Well, that's the truth. 

'Yon ang gustong gusto ko gawin para sa kanya. Ngayon pa nga lang ay hinahanap hanap ko na siya, paano pa pag may karapatan na akong puntahan siya araw-araw.

Hinding hindi ako makukuntento hanggang sa dumating ang araw na hindi na namin kailangan maghiwalay dahil sa iisang bahay na kami uuwi.

After that dinner, nakausap ko si Adrian. He told me everything, he told me he needs my help to find Kathleen's mother and that they were not really together. 

Halo-halo ang naramdaman ko 'non. Masaya na wala pala akong kailangan ipangamba dahil hindi naman sila at tama ang hinala ko na may dahilan kung bakit nila ginagawa 'yon pero malungkot din sa kabilang banda dahil hindi ko mapigilan ang magselos sa kanilang pagiging malapit.

Malungkot din para sa kanya mismo, because she came back here after her mother died, she shut her world off because as per Tita Pin, she can't mourn yet. But, I didn't know that she still believes that her mother was alive. 

Pero andoon din ang mga katanungan sa isip ko kung bakit at paano niya nakuha ang ideya na 'yon? Does it mean, nagsisinungaling ang tatay niya? But why? For what? Nasaan si tita kung ga'non? Saan kami mag sisimula mag hanap?

I am so scared for her, so scared for the things she might be carrying inside her heart. 

I want to help her and take good care of her.

And I will. 

I am now changing the game.

"Do you really think I give a fuck about that? Well, I don't. I don't care if you cheat on him because I clearly know that you don't have anything to cheat about." May diin kong sabi.

Ga'non ba talaga siya kamanhid para hindi maramdaman na kaya ako galit na galit ngayon ay dahil sa selos ko at hindi para kay Adrian?

Hindi pa ba halata sa akin?

I am so damn jealous! I haven't even eaten with her yet tapos mauunahan pa ako ng lalaking 'yon?

Not in my watch.

Kita ko ang gulat sa kanyang mga mata, tila hindi makapaniwala sa narinig. Sa kabila 'non, kita ko rin ang namumuong galit at sama ng loob.

Yes love, I know that you're not together.

"Bitiwan mo ako." She said through gritted teeth.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay kong nakahawak sa kanya at bahagya akong napangisi dahil doon.

"I won't. Dinaan kita sa mabuting usapan dati, nakuha ko pang mag hintay na hindi ko naman ginagawa pero mukhang hindi gumagana sa'yo ang ga'non."

I almost said it as a whisper.

I looked at her eyes. Dinama ko ang mga mata niyang mataman din nakatingin sa akin. Kita ko ang kaguluhan sa mga iyon kung kaya't mas lalo ko pa siyang inilapit sa akin.

I felt shiver on my spine. Dama ko ang balat niya sa akin, we haven't been this close, ngayon lang.

"Ano?" Litong tanong niya.

I genuinely smiled at him and moved closer.

I can feel her nervousness and I took that as a chance to say what I really want to say.

"You don't like the easy way? Then let's try the hard way." I breathed.

Luckily, napapayag ko rin siya na kumain kasama ako. I was just so desperate to have this meal with her. Gusto ko pa siya makasama, makausap, mapagmasdan, I want to know things about her—coming from her, and I want to do the things I should have done before.

Tumikhim ako at nag lakas loob na mag tanong sa mga bagay na bumabagabag sa isipan ko.

"Speaking of your mom, I'm sorry to mention this but isn't she dead already? Why did you accept Adrian's offer to find her?" I asked carefully.

Maingat ko iyon tinanong sa kanya, takot na mali ang lumabas sa bibig ko. Pero pakiramdam ko kailangan ko iyon tanungin dahil gusto ko siyang tulungan. If she wants to find her mother then I will definitely hire the best people in the field just so we can find her fast.

Pero kahit anong ingat natin sa isang bagay, kahit na pakaisipan natin ito, maiiwan pa rin ang katotohanan na hindi natin hawak ang magiging resulta o ang hinaharap.

Even if we try not to hurt somebody... we can only try with our purest intention. 

Bakas sa mga mata niya na nasaktan ko siya sa tinanong ko. Namilog ang kanyang mga mata dahil sa gulat at walang sabi-sabing kinuha ang kanyang bag at nag martsa paalis. Tila nahulog ang puso ko sa nakitang reaksyon niya. Ilang segundo din akong natigilan at hindi alam ang gagawin, ni hindi man lang siya lumingon, fuck, I am doomed.

Hindi rin nag tagal ay natauhan ako. Mabilis akong tumayo at hinabol siya, mas binilisan ko pa ang pag hakbang nang maramdaman ang mahihinang patak ng ulan.

"Kathleen!"

Fuck.

She didn't even bother to look back at me. 

Tuloy-tuloy lamang siya sa kanyang kotse at nagmamadali siyang nagkalkal ng gamit niya para hanapin marahil ang susi niya. She looks so desperate... so desperate to get away from me. Kitang kita sa eskpresyon niya ang galit, lungkot at pagkadismaya, lahat-lahat ay nag halo na.

And it pains me to know— na ako ang dahilan.

I sighed and reached for her arms. Hinigit ko siya palapit sa akin dahil takot ako na umalis siyang hindi kami nagkakaayos. 

Nag sisimula pa nga lang ako tapos ganito na.

"Ano ba?!" She snapped.

The moment those words came out from her mouth ay siya rin pag buhos ng ulan. Mula sa mababagal na pag patak kanina ay siyang galit naman ng langit ngayon. Nilukob ako ng pag-aalala dahil nababasa na kami pareho ng ulan. 

It worries me, dahil mukhang wala siyang pakielam kahit mag kasakit siya.

"Pati 'yon sinabi ni Adrian?"

Her voice choked.

My eyes met hers. Mula roon ay kita ko ang sakit na nararamdaman niya. I never saw her so broken. Kahit noon pa na alam kong nahihirapan na siya ay hindi niya hinayaan 'yon makita ng kahit sino. She remained calm and unbothered but seeing her now, in tears, gasping for air just so she could show me she's strong makes me damn guilty. 

Sana'y hindi ko nalang pala itinanong. Kung alam ko lang na magiging ganito ang reaksyon niya.

Ang ulan ay hindi tumigil, pero kahit napakalakas 'non, hindi pa rin matatago ang pigil na hikbi niya.

My heart felt crumbling. Tila gusto nito lumabas mula sa katawan ko at yakapin ang babaeng nasa harapan ko. 

I have a thing with people who needs help pero alam kong iba si Kathleen. 

Yes, I want to help her... pero may iba pa.

I want to love her, to shelter her with everything I can, to make her happy, to be with her in every day, and to hear her laugh while looking at me.

I want more, from her, from us, siya lang, siya lang ang gusto ko.

After that confrontation with her. I promised not only to her but also to myself that I will find her mother. Sisiguraduhin ko na makikita ko siya at papawiin ko lahat ng sakit sa puso ni Kathleen. If she believes that she's still alive then there must be a solid reason why and I will take a hold of that.

Pero kasabay din 'non ang pagbabago ng mga plano ko. Oo, hahanapin ko ang nanay niya pero hindi 'don nag tatapos. Kung noon, binabalak kong pasukin ang mundo niya pagka maayos na ang lahat, ngayon hindi na.

I'll still enter her world but no more waiting. 

Kung hindi pa maayos ang lahat, aayusin ko ito habang kasama siya.

"Fifteen years, I liked you for fifteen years already." I said wholeheartedly.

At last... nasabi ko na rin.

Umiling siya. "No.."

Bahagya akong nahiya sa ginawa kong pag amin pero iyon ang totoo, for fifteen years siya lamang talaga ang nakalalamang sa kahit sinong babaeng dumaan sa buhay ko. There are few who attracted me but I guess, I'll always find my way back to her.

I even tried to pursue someone dahil nakikita ko si Kathleen sa kanya. Stupid of my younger self to do that, pinag sisisihan ko 'yon dahil pakiramdam ko 'non ay tulad din ako ng mga pinsan ko. That girl, I met her in Argao. 

But, it's just that attraction can only last for... days, weeks, surprising if it will last for a month.

That's why I tried my best to meet her again. To tell her how sorry I am. To explain.

Akala ng lahat perpekto ako pero—I also have my fucked up days.

Because I am only human.

Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

"That can't be. How can you say that? We were young back then.. and.. and.. you went to Argao, you spent a lot of time there.."

She shrugged. "Even when you came back, you were busy with graduation, with your company and now.. you're busy taking over your family's business. We didn't see each other for a long time, so how could you say that? How could you be so sure?" Tanong niya.

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old

Nanglambot ang tingin ko sa kanya. I never thought that she paid attention to me before. Hearing all of this from her makes my heart... flutter? Damn, it's weird for it to come from me. 

Bahagya kong hinaplos muli ang kanyang likuran. I felt her shiver. She's just too... enchanting tonight.

Very beautiful.

I want her all for myself.

Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was

"You're underestimating me. Time doesn't matter, with every glimpse.. every shared glance, even the slightest touch is enough for me to keep on wanting you." I answered with every ounce of sincerity I have.

I know she needs my words. I can show her but I also want her to hear it from me.

And I want her to know that—

"I don't want you to be a Montgomery if I'm not the reason." 

I bit my lower lip as shyness creeped in.

Oo, sa araw araw na lumilipas na kasama ko siya, mas nag iigting ang kagustuhan ko na mapabilis ang paghahanap sa nanay niya dahil sa oras na 'yon, kamay naman niya ang hihingin ko. 

I can already see myself from the end of the aisle, waiting for her. I can see my future with her. I am very sure of my feelings. I want her to be the mother of my children. I want to build a family with her. 

I want me to be her home.

And as soon as I find her mother, sisiguraduhin ko na mangyayari lahat ng iyon.

"Starting today, I won't keep my distance anymore. I'll walk towards you even closer. I'll continue my plans for us and I'll show them to you little by little. You don't have to do anything because I know what you feel for me already. You liked me once, I'll make sure you'll fall for me again."

At sa huli, kahit na nagkasakitan man kami, kahit na paulit-ulit akong mabigyan ng rason na magalit at tumalikod, walang sasapat sa mga iyon para maging rason para talikuran ko siya.

I will never leave her. Not when I know that she feels the same way towards me, at kahit hindi man, I'll make her fall for me every single day. 

I'll give her endless reasons to stay with me.

Walang kahit sino man ang pwede kumwestyon sa pagmamahal na meron siya para sa akin dahil ako lamang ang makakapag-sabi kung ano ang sasapat at para sa akin—

She is beyond everything I could hope for.

She is my home.

"It's okay not to be okay." Umiling siya at bahagyang ngumiti na mas lalong nagpagaan ng puso ko. "Okay man ang mga tao sa paligid mo o hindi, ayos lang na hindi imaging maayos."

She is that person I want to spend my life with. 

Now and after death bed and after this lifetime—if there is.

"You are only human, Carl. Oo nga at ikaw ang panganay, oo nga at ikaw ang inaasahan ng nakakarami sa inyo pero bago ka maging ang mga iyon ay tao ka pa rin."

Fifteen years ago, I was already married to her.

Fifteen years after, she finally knew about it.