Kill

"Bitawan mo ako." Giit ko.

Mariin akong napapikit at nagpigil ng hininga habang hinihintay siyang bitawan ako. I took a deep breath while he held me so close to him.

My heart is pounding like crazy. Pakiramdam ko, lalabas na ito sa sobra sobrang emosyon. He's like a gem, a very precious one and I know I can't have it. Kahit anong gawin ko, hindi pwede. Everything will be at risk and I can't risk everything.

"I don't want to.. but.."

He sighed.

Naramdaman ko ang unti-unting paghina ng pagdaloy ng dugo ko habang nawawala rin ang pagkadikit ng kanyang balat sa akin. Binitawan niya ako gaya ng gusto ko pero parang nawalan din ako ng hininga dahil doon.

I should be happy he did.

But I didn't.

"Malakas ka sa akin. Your wish will always be my command. Kahit anong gusto mo, gagawin ko." Aniya.

"Then.. stay away." Mabilis kong balik sakanya.

Humarap ako sakanya ng mabuti at nakipag titigan sa mata. Lumalim ang aking paghinga tulad ng paglalim ng titigan namin. Unti-unti akong nawawala pero kumapit ako sa napakanipis na tali para hindi tuluyang mawala sa mga mata niya.

It's too hard but I tried..

I don't know if how long I can keep up with this but I need to try.

"Stay away?" He chuckled.

Kita ko ang pagtagis ng kanyang bagang. His eyes were getting darker ever minute and every breath I make. I want to take back what I said but I need to stick with it.

Tama si Uno, ako lang ang nakakapagisip ng maayos sa amin at hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ko pa kakayanin 'to. What I need to do is to stop this before someone get hurt.

"Everything has an exception." He breathed.

"Simon, ano ba? Can you please open your mind and try to think properly? Ikaw ang kuya! Ikaw ang nakakatanda! You should know better!" Puno ng pagpipigil kong wika.

I'm getting frustrated with this!

"Don't call me kuya." Madilim niyang wika.

"What?"

Nagbuga ako ng hangin at natigil sa pag agos ng damdamin ko. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa lumabas sa bibig niya. Ang sarap niyang sakalin dahil pakiramdam ko, wala lang sakanya 'to. Pakiramdam ko ang dali dali lang sakanya habang ako gusto ko ng mamatay tuwing maiisip ko ang pwedeng mangyari.

"'Yun lang talaga ang masasabi mo?"

"I don't want to hurt you but don't make me feel like I've been hurting you too much. Doble ang balik sa akin." Aniya gamit ang banayad niyang boses.

It's too smooth, pakiramdam ko tuloy hinahawakan ng kamay niya ang puso ko.

"Simon.."

"Hindi ba talaga tayo pwede sabay umuwi?"

Napaawang ang aking labi sakanyang tanong. My eyes were glued at his face and I can see how his expressive eyes anticipates my answer.

Sandali akong napaiwas ng tingin bago nagbalik ng tingin sakanya.

"I just want to spend more time with you. 'Yun lang naman. I'm not asking for anything.. yet. Masama ba 'yon?"

Is he trying to make me feel guilty?

It's working!

"Hindi naman sa ganon.."

"Then what? Bakit ka naiilang sa akin? Because of what I feel for you or because-"

"Oo na, sige na. Sabay na tayo umuwi. Just stop saying those things." Maagap kong wika.

Alam ko ang kasunod 'non. I know what he'll say. I know exactly what is it and I know it's true. Nararamdaman ko rin na malapit na. Konting konti nalang at malalaman na din niya 'yon at mas natatakot ako sa maaring mangyari.

"What will I stop?" Inosente niyang tanong.

"What you're about to say. 'Wag kang pa-inosente. Hindi mo bagay."

"I'm wounded." Aniya atsaka ngumiwi.

Sige lang! Gumanyan ka pa! You're making it hard for me Simon! You're always making it hard for me!

Dammit!

Because I'm too afraid that you'll notice what I feel too.

Kita ko ang pagsilay ng ngiti sakanyang labi. Malungkot akong napangiti at tinuro na ang hallway. Huminga ako ng malalim bago sumabay sakanya sa paglalakad. I can hear his slow breathing beside me, not literally pero sa sobrang tahimik namin ay baka ganon nga.

His presence beside me is enough to make me feel weak.

"Do you remember your first field trip? Nung unang beses kang pinayagan nila dad?"

Muntik na akong mapatingin sakanya dahil sa tanong niya pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. I remained calm and my eyes were straight ahead the pathway. Hindi naman ako manhid at ramdam ko ang minsan-minsan niyang pagtingin sa akin.

"Oh.." I traced.

Memories flashed.

"Nung iniwan mo ako? It was raining heavy that day yet you didn't fetch me." Mahina kong bulong.

I will never forget that day.

It was the day that I felt like my heart was being stabbed into pieces. Like I'm gonna die because of the pain while waiting in front of the school's waiting shed. Watching the sky jerk into tears like it knows what I was feeling that day.

I was expecting for him to fetch me, I was waiting for him. I was aniticipating him.

"Yeah.. do you want to know the reason why I didn't?"

Napalunok ako sa tanong niya.

"No.." I'm afraid.

"I was there."

I stopped in my tracks.

Kumalabog ng malakas ang aking puso na para bang ang sakit ng nakaraan ay muling nanumbalik sa akin. I am feeling what I felt years ago. Bumalik lahat pero hindi tulad noon na sobrang sakit. The three words he said, changed everything.

"What?"

"I was there. Watching you.." he traced.

Napalingon ako sakanya.

"It was the day I realized what I felt for you. Nung sinabi sa akin nila dad na.. nasa school ka pa, that you were stranded, my heart felt suffocated like it's gonna burst. I rushed to for you like a normal brother would but when I saw you with a guy, I felt like I want to choke him and kill him right there and then."

I licked my lips.

"He was my classmate.." I breathed.

"I don't care. I don't care anymore, Tulip. Nothing matters to me now. Those things were just a sort of a wake up call for me. Hindi mo alam gaano kahirap ma-realize and bagay na 'yon. It's like I want to kill myself too, hindi lang ang lalaking 'yon ang gusto kong patayin pero pati na ang sarili ko. I rather kill myself than to see you with somebody else."

"Simon.. Chase.. I.. well- I.."

Naiyukom ko ang aking mga palad.

"Let's go, you don't need to say anything. I just want you to listen. Let's go home."

Tumalikod na siya at akmang hahakbang na paalis.

"Paano kung parehas tayo ng nararamdaman? Ano bang mangyayari 'non? Hindi ka ba natatakot Simon? This is illicit. Forbidden not just with the standards of what we believe in but it's forbidden by law and by the divine way."

I almost choked.

Maagap siyang tumalikod muli at hinarap ako. I saw glint in his eyes. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko dahil doon. I never thought I can smile just by seeing him smile too.

"Don't ask me that. Kahit ano pang sabihin mo isa lang naman ang gagawin ko pag parehas tayo ng nararamdaman."

"What is it?"

He tilted his head. Naramdaman ko ang kiliti sa aking tyan. Now I know why girls are so hyped up when they see him. He's just too much to handle.

"The deadly wires you put up between us? I'll ignore them all. I'll jump so high that no barriers can stop me. I'll grab your hand and walk with you.. I 'll fight. I'll fight for this. Even if it means hurting everybody."

Napakasarap marinig ng mga sinasabi niya. If only we're not in this situation, siguradong sobra-sobra na ang kilig ko ngayon. Butterflies and unicorns were flying inside my stomach.

"Alam mong walang laban 'to hindi ba?"

I need an answer.

He acts like nothing is happening..

"Meron."

"What?"

"There's a chance." Paguulit niya.

"Walang chance 'to, Simon. Nagkakamali ka sa pinaniniwalaan mo. Magkapatid tayo. Dugo sa dugo, laman sa laman. Hindi pwede. Kahit kailan, kahit anong laban, hindi pwede." Pagsusubok kong magpaliwanag.

He faintly smiled.

"Basta, tandaan mo, ikaw nalang ang hinihintay ko. Sa oras na malaman kong parehas tayo ng nararamdaman, I'll start everything and I'm gonna make sure that no one can stop me. I'll go with the submarine Uno was talking about but I'm gonna make sure that you'll go with me."

I sighed.

"I hope.. I can think that way." I almost breathed.

"What?" Ani Simon.

Umiling ako.

"Wala. Uwi na tayo." Pag-yayaya ko.

Tumalikod na ako at naunang maglakad palayo. I felt him quickly followed me. Agad siyang nakahabol at sumabay sa paglalakad sa amin. We reached the main hallway where people kept staring at house.

Or.. baka sakanya lang.

He's too handsome with his face, smile and eyes. Hindi pwedeng hindi siya lingunin. Siguradong mahuhuli at mahuhuli niya ang atensyon ng isang tao.

"Come here."

"Hah?"

Napasinghap ako nang hablutin niya ang braso ko at mabilis na hinapit palapit sakanya. Namilog ang mga mata ko at parang tatalon sa bangin ang puso ko sa bilis ng nangyari. He held me so close to him that I can feel his breathing behind me, literally.

Mahigpit na nakahawak ang kamay niya sa akin at ganon din ako sakanya. Mabilis kong niluwagan ang pagkakahawak sakanya nang mapansin ko 'yon.

"They're looking at you." Bulong niya.

Napaismid ako.

"Sa'yo sila nakatingin." Wika ko.

He shrugged. "Wala naman akong pakielam sakanila. They can look at me for as long as they want pero wala naman silang magagawa."

Cockiness.

"Yabang mo." Komento ko.

Napahawak siya sakanyang batok at gusto kong matawa dahil doon. Linibot ko muli ang aking paningin at napansin ko si Reig at Jeremy sa dulo ng hallway. They were looking at us just like how the students I saw earlier pero kung titignan, ang tingin nila ay kakaiba.

Binalik ko muli ang tingin ko kay Simon.

"Well, it's a Montgomery thing." Aniya.

Kumunot ang noo ko.

"Bakit ako? Hindi naman ako mayabang." Balik ko sakanya.

Sandali siyang natigilan, marahil dahil wala siyang masagot sa tanong ko. I felt like I won! Nakuha niya ang punto ko at alam niyang wala siyang laban doon.

"Well, you're different. You're special. You know you are, Tul."

Literal akong napanganga sa sinabi niya. Oo, espesyal nga.. pero hindi ako. It's my feelings for him. It's too special that it's so hard to erase. Alam kong kailangan ko pang gumawa ng paraan para matigil 'to pero sobrang hirap.

Napaka swerte ng babaeng makakatuluyan niya. She will be a princess.. or maybe a queen.

The thought of it makes sick. Kakayanin ko kaya?

"Lumayo ka ng konti. Baka anong isipin nila." Pang i-iba ko ng usapan.

"No they won't."

Walang pag da-dalawang isip na wika niya.

Ako ang kusang kumalas sakanya at laking pasasalamat ko ng hindi niya ako pigilan. Sa wakas at naging maayos din siya kausap! It felt so weird not to have his hands around me but I need to get a hold of myself.

Nawawala na ako sa huwisyo..

Hindi maganda 'to.

"Let's go." Saad ko at nauna ng maglakad sakanya.

Mas lalo ata kaming tinignan nang maglakad na kami. Eyes were all on us. Para tuloy kaming mga artista na nasa mall show kung tignan nila kami.

Grabe ang cute nila!

Magkapatid sila diba? Sobrang close nila ka-inggit!

I want a sibling relationship like this. Ang cute at sobrang affection nila!

Napahawak ako sa leeg ko habang naririnig ang mga sinasabi ng mga tao sa paligid namin. I wasn't expecting this. I am beyond shock..

Ganon pa talaga ang naisip nila?

"Tulip!"

"What?" I tried asking using my normal voice.

"Face me." Utos niya.

I stopped walking.

Para matapos na ang usapan at makauwi na kami, hinarap ko na siya. Malambot ang kanyang mga mata at 'yon ang sumalubong sa akin. He stepped a foot forward and what shocked me is I didn't took a step backward.

He was only a few inches away but I didn't took a step backward. Basta ang alam ko, naninikip ang puso ko.

"Kill me. Kill me for having this feelings. Kill me for liking you but I will never back down. Gusto mo matapos na 'to? Tumakbo ka palayo sa akin, ikaw na ang tumalikod at lumayo dahil sa oras na humarap ka at humakbang ng isang beses papunta sa akin.. I won't have second thoughts. I'll grab your hand and fight this with you. Run away from me because for the past years I was trying to do that, walang nangyari. Ito pa rin ako nasa harapan mo. The only difference was, feelings were stronger this time."

My last piece of sanity fell.