Just watched Captain America 2 again and I just realized that when Peggy says “The world has changed, and none of us can go back.  All we can do is our best, and sometimes, the best that we can do, is to start over,” she then loses her memory of that fact that Steve is there, that he’s alive, and that he’s there to see her and it just gave me a lot of feels because it’s a beautifully tragic transition.  On that cheery note, enjoy!

Chapter Quote:

“The world has changed, and none of us can go back.  All we can do is our best, and sometimes, the best that we can do, is to start over.”

~Peggy Carter in Captain America The Winter Soldier

_______________________________________

Chapter 5

Four years passed by, and I’d taken care of the Winter Soldier on twelve occasions.  I’d kept specific track of all the times I’d seen him and when HYDRA wiped his mind.  They’d wiped his mind four times, once per year.  But somehow, even after it, the Winter Soldier would still allow me to come near him and take care of him.  And only me.  It was this strange allowance he gave me that made me start to wonder what his real name was.  Where had he come from?  How old was he?  I wanted answers, and answers I was going to get.

On the computer, I had access to only very primitive files on the Winter Soldier, just past procedures that had been performed.  But there were other files in that folder, ones that I didn’t have access to, ones I needed a password to get into.  I didn’t know what was in them, but I intended to find out.  This is where my dad’s special skill came into play.  No one could beat him at hacking into others’ computers, but he’d taught me enough that I knew I’d be adept enough to break into at least some of these files.

I went to work, downloading the file onto a USB drive and hightailing it out of the Triskelion.  Once back at my flat, the process of breaking into the files was tedious, at times making me want to punch through the computer screen and say screw it.  The hacking took well over six hours total.  Between cracking each protection code and taking short breaks, it’s amazing it took just six hours.  But finally, my work paid off and the files were accessible.  They were all under codenames still so I just clicked on random ones.  The first one I clicked on happened to be the one I’d been looking forward to the most: who the Winter Soldier actually was.  The file was surprisingly short:

Name: James Buchanan “Bucky” Barnes

Age: 28

Height: 180 cm

Weight: 78 kg

Born: 1917

Hometown: Brooklyn, New York

Notes:

- Served in the American Army in the 107th

- Rose to the ranks of Sergeant

- Oldest child of four

- Served as a Howling Commando

- “Killed In Action” while on a mission to capture Arnim Zola

- Tested on by Arnim Zola before being retrieved by Captain America

- Retested on by Arnim Zola after train fall; given metal arm

- Excels both physically and academically

- Captain America’s best friend

I stared at the new information.  He was born in 1917.  That means he’s ninety-seven years old with the appearance of a twenty-seven year old.  How was that even possible?  But I’d read about Arnim Zola before.  He had been a Swiss scientist recruited by the Germans, specifically HYDRA, and was used to create weapons of presumably mass destruction.  He’d been one of the greatest minds of the age.  If he’d tested on Bucky… well then God only knows what that man had been through, what he’d endured.  Zola didn’t care if his test subjects lived or died.  If they did die, he’d find another person.  If they lived, it was a pleasant, quick-to-pass surprise.

I went searching for more information.  Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything else specific about his life before becoming the Winter Soldier, just what happened after.  Each file contained information on missions in a certain country.  One file was codenamed “Lóngwángguó” for China (meaning Dragon Kingdom).  Germany’s codenamed file was “Kuckucksuhr” (meaning German clock).  France’s was “Drapeau Blanc” (meaning White Flag).  I’d name all the countries with their codenames but we’d be here a while.  But in these files were the missions executed in them by the Winter Soldier, and they didn’t contain just facts about the mission.  They contained pictures, some too gruesome to look at for more than a couple seconds.  I started to understand why Rumlow had been so upset with me going into take care of the soldier by myself.  The things this soldier was capable of, the things he’d done… it was utterly terrifying.

But for some strange reason, he didn’t scare me.  Maybe it was because I knew he was brainwashed multiple times so he probably had no recollection of his missions.  Maybe it was because the soldier had never even looked or talked to me.

I rubbed my eyes and glanced at the clock on the wall.  My mouth nearly fell open.  It was three in the morning and I had work at seven.  Knowing that trying to sleep would be futile, I chose to pull an all-nighter.  I took a shower, got into some comfy clothes, made some very sugary tea, and went back to reading everything I could on the Winter Soldier.  When I was done reading, I still had two hours left before I had to go to work, so I searched for popular songs from the 1940s.  I wanted to help the Winter Soldier remember who he was so he could escape HYDRAs grip on him.  I wasn’t an expert on amnesiac patients, but maybe something from his past, even something as subtle as a song, would help jog his memory.  I couldn’t let anyone know what I was up to or I’d be a dead person.

I chose a song to play and got up so I could start getting ready for work.  It was called “It’s Been A Long, Long Time” by Harry James and Kitty Kallen.  It was quite the romantic song and the lyrics weren’t all that hard to learn.  Actually, by the time I was ready to leave my flat, I knew the entire song by heart and I hummed it all day long until I got home and fell asleep at five in the afternoon, not waking up until six the next morning.

By now, it was apparent that if I were to do something to help the Winter Soldier remember that he was James Barnes, I’d need to know about him myself.  I started checking out books from the library, going through four or five a week, and these weren’t small books either.  There was so much written about Captain America and his Howling Commandos that for over six months, I had no problem keeping occupied.  I’d read everything in the near vicinity of my flat about the Howling Commandos by July and I’d started in December.  Pretty much, if you had a question about them, I could answer it.

It was July fourth, and D.C. was decked out in patriotic attire.  People were ready for the big fireworks show tonight, including myself.  I had just finished getting dressed for work, wearing my favorite blue dress from Banana Republic with some killer peep toe stilettos that were actually professional looking, when there was a knock at my door.  I cautiously slipped off my heels and grabbed my gun.  Being a young woman living by herself, you learn to take precautions, especially with all the murders that I hear about on the news.  I had my gun as a defense weapon, nothing else.  I sidled along the wall up to the door, peeking through the peep hole to see Rumlow waiting there.  Groaning, I opened the door while I put my shoes back on.

“Good morning, Anna,” he greeted.

“Morning.  It’s another mission, isn’t it?” It was more of a statement than a question but he nodded. “Let me grab my purse.”

Once I did what I said, the two of us went downstairs to the Black Escalade waiting for us.  We got in.  There were two other HYDRA members in there; they were part of the Strike Team.  Rumlow was their boss.  They all tried to get me talk but my mouth remained firmly shut.  I wanted nothing to do with these monsters.  I was here for one thing, and one thing only, and that was the Winter Soldier.  My job was to take care of him, not to talk to these buffoons.  The SUV pulled up to a building I didn’t recognize because it certainly wasn’t SHIELD headquarters.  We got out and went inside.  Rumlow led us to the elevator, swiped his security card, and punched in the floor numbers in a certain combination.  The elevator went down, past the “bottom” floor and farther.  Just how deep underground we went is impossible to tell, but it was deep enough that it took two minutes of uncomfortable silence to get there.  When the elevator stopped and opened up its doors, I quickly disembarked.  Pierce was there, waiting for us.

“Miss Drew, the asset is right down the hallway.  Just keep walking until you come to the door,” Pierce ordered.

“Yes, sir.  The Soldier will be taken well care of,” I assured, purposefully calling the Winter Soldier “Soldier” and not “asset” because he wasn’t a thing to mess around with.  He was a person, a human being; he deserved to be treated as such.  I went to his room and entered it quietly.  Shutting the door, I said, “Hello, Soldier.  Good to see you again.  In case you don’t remember me, my name is Annabeth Drew.  I’m here to take care of you.  Will you let me come check you out?” Without looking at me, the Winter Soldier nodded. “Thank you.  I know you won’t talk to me, so do you mind if I sing?  There’s a song that’s been stuck in my head for weeks now and I just can’t seem to get it out.  Maybe you’ve heard it before.” With that said, I started singing “It’s Been A Long, Long Time” to see if it would elicit any reaction out of him, plus I really did enjoy the song.  I started working on his arm because it seemed pretty damaged and random sparks would fly out of it.  The wiring in it had gotten messed up.  So for a good two hours, I focused on straightening that problem out.  I switched between singing “It’s Been A Long, Long Time” and “Here Comes the Sun” because I loved the song too and it was easy to remember.  Once I’d finished fixing his arm, I started looking over his body to see if he’d sustained any wounds.  His front seemed fine (and not just because he didn’t have wounds on the front; he was ripped).  His back was another story.  I don’t know how I’d missed it; maybe because he’d been sitting in his chair in such a way that I couldn’t see it or because I’d been to focused on stopping his arm from sparking, but his back had shrapnel embedded all in it.  I cringed, wondering how long it’d been in there, how long he’d been in pain, and why anyone hadn’t told me.

“I’m so sorry!” I exclaimed. “If I’d known your back was this bad, I would’ve started on it first.  Oh god, soldier, I’m so sorry.  Okay, I’m going to need you to turn around so I can get the shrapnel out.  Do you mind getting up and doing that for me?” The soldier got up without any arguing and sat down in a position that allowed me full access to his back so I could help get whatever it was that was embedded in his skin out.  I pulled out a pair of tweezers, some alcohol, a magnifying glass, cotton pads, and a petri dish before starting the delicate procedure of pulling the shrapnel out.  I started talking to pass the time and to help calm myself down.  I’d taken care of war wounds, but for some reason, seeing his back nearly shredded by debris made stomach churn nauseously. “I’m going to be blunt about this: what I’m doing is going to hurt, but believe me when I say I’m going to try and prevent as much pain as possible.  If I hurt you too much, tell me.  Then again, you don’t like to talk to me, so maybe you could grunt or grab onto me or something.  I’m sure you’ll find some way to let me know.  All right, let’s get this over with.” I started pulling out the smallest pieces, the ones that threatened to actually get into his blood stream if moved the wrong way.  I started singing, this time “Love Song” because it’d been on the radio earlier and it was pretty catchy.  The whole time, the Winter Soldier sat perfectly still, although his back muscles would clench and unclench whenever I’d pull a piece of shrapnel out.

“You’re so tough about this,” I commented, adding with a laugh, “I would be swearing like a sailor if our positions were switched.  What were you before this soldier?  A vet maybe?  No, I couldn’t see that.  Maybe a model.  Now that I could see.   I mean, you have the looks and the build and everything.  But you don’t strike me as being a model type.  Now you do strike me as a type that would be a role model for a military or something.  Hey, maybe you were in the Marines or the Army or something like that.  Well, whatever you were in, doesn’t matter now, does it?  It’s the past.” I fell silent as I pulled out a bigger piece of shrapnel.  I switched to speaking Russian, something I’d kept quiet about knowing ever since I’d started working for HYDRA. “But we can always learn from our past,” I said softly. “I don’t know how much you remember Soldier, but if you ever do remember something from your past, come find me.  I’ll help you figure it out.  I promise.  You’re my mission.  I’m going to finish it.  And now, it’s expanded into something more than just fixing you up after each mission; now it involves making sure that you one day get out of this hellhole.” I switched back to English. “Okay, there’s not much left, but I warn you, these last few pieces I’m going to pull out will be painful.  They’re big, but they’re deep in your skin.  Just… brace yourself, okay?”

I took a deep breath, resting one my left hand on his shoulder.  I thought maybe it’d give him some comfort or something like that.  Or maybe I was just losing the few nuts and bolts and I still had left in my head.  I started tugging on the first piece of shrapnel.  I saw the Winter Soldier’s hand clench into a fist, but nothing else.  I hated doing this to him; Pierce and the others caused him enough pain.  I didn’t want him to associate me with that too; probably with me working for HYDRA though, that’d already happened.  I forced myself to pull the debris out of his back, going as fast as possible.  The piece came out, but not without causing the Winter Soldier severe pain, so much pain that his whole body jerked and his hand gripped onto my leg.  I felt my hand trembling as I put the fragment into the petri dish.

“Okay, that hurt.  I’m so sorry, really,” I apologized, patting his shoulder. “There’s a few more left.  Just… hang in there, I guess.”

I moved quickly, wanting to get the process over with.  Each time I pulled out a fragment piece, the Winter Soldier’s hand tightened on my leg.  I knew I was going to have bruises but I didn’t care.  If that was how he calmed himself down, then so be it.

Finally, all the debris was out of his back.  The places where they’d been were still bleeding so I used some alcohol on a cotton pad to disinfect them before putting antibiotic cream on them and bandaging them.

“All right soldier, you should be set.  I don’t think there’s anything else wrong with you that I can see.  Try not to let this happen again.  I don’t mind taking care of you, but I don’t like hurting you either and pulling that debris out obviously did so.  Be careful, okay?” I asked, stepping in front of him and looking down.  He didn’t look at me, just kept staring straight ahead. “I’ll see you again.  Hopefully soon.”

I left the room and went into the hallway.  Rumlow was there to escort me out.  He informed me that Pierce had given me the day off after what I’d just done.  I didn’t mind.  I wanted to do more research.  Unfortunately, life wouldn’t allow for me to do that, because some friends from SHIELD who also had the day off insisted I come along with them for an outing that was apparently going to last until the fireworks show.  At least I managed to convince them to let me change into day clothes instead of my work dress that had miraculously managed to avoid getting blood on it.

I left my flat and met my friends downstairs, hoping they would be able to get my mind off the Winter Soldier.

_______________________________________

0100 hrs, July 5, 2009…

I was exhausted.  My friends had not stopped going all day, giving me no choice but to go along with them.  I had just stepped into my flat when I noticed something was off immediately.

There was someone else in here.

I slipped off my shoes and pulled the gun out from underneath the hallway table.  Silently, I walked through the hallway, wondering who the hell had broken into my apartment.  I stopped just before the entrance to my kitchen.  I could hear them breathing in there.  I lowered myself; if I peered around the corner, they’d be expecting someone to be higher up, not toddler level.  But before I glanced in there, I realized I could see them in my hallway mirror.  I’d expected a burglar or a robber, or worse, but this…

This meant my imminent death.

The Winter Soldier sat silently at my dining room table, and shivers went down my spine when I observed that while I was looking into his eyes from the mirror, he was doing the same.  He knew I was there.  Seeing as how my cover was blown, I stood up.

“Hello soldier.  How are you?” I asked leaning my head against the wall, forcing a knot down in my throat and closing my eyes. “It’s not hard to figure out why you’re here.  You’re here to kill me.  Did Pierce send you?  It makes the most sense.  He probably doesn’t like the fact that I’m nice to you whenever I take care of you or that I object to you having your mind wiped.  Can I ask you something?”

Silence.

I continued. “Could you say something to me?  I’ve known you over four years and you’ve never said a word.  Believe it or not, I’ve come to care about you soldier.  I don’t see you as just some weapon.  I see you as a person.  That’s because you are… would a please help?”

“Who are you?” A voice demanded right next to me, making me jump about three feet into the air from freight.  The Winter Soldier towered over me.  How had I not heard him?

“My name is Annabeth Drew.  I’m your doctor, technician, caretaker-after-mission type thing.  You don’t remember me?”

“No.”

I sighed. “They wiped your mind before sending you to kill me.  Naturally.  HYDRA can go to hell,” I grumbled.  I looked up at him curiously. “Why haven’t you killed me?”

“Orders.”

“You haven’t been ordered to kill me?”

“I was ordered to make a choice on whether to kill you or not.”

“Pierce?”  The soldier remained silent, giving me the answer I needed. “To be honest, I should be petrified right now because you’re this master assassin that’s been frozen and unfrozen when needed, but in the four years I’ve known you, while the meetings were brief, I was the only doctor you allowed to come near you.  Don’t ask me why, I don’t know.  But I’m honored.  Listen, are you hungry?  I’m starved.  How about I make us some food?  And by food I mean a big bowl of ice cream.  You in?” He stayed predictively silent.  I smiled and set my gun down.  If he decided to kill me, there would be no measures I could take that would prevent him from succeeding. “Do you mind if I sing?  While I make the ice cream I mean.  I get the feeling you won’t be saying anything anymore.” Laed him back into the kitchen.  He stood next to the table while I started making the bowls of ice cream and singing along to “It’s Been A Long, Long Time.”  I made two bowls, not knowing if he would actually eat his.  What did he eat?  How long would he go without eating?  Maybe he didn’t eat because of Arnim Zola’s experiments.  I placed his bowl in front of him and sat down to eat mine.  The Winter Soldier hesitated before sitting down, but he didn’t touch his bowl of ice cream.  We sat in silence, listening to the music on my iPod.  I didn’t say anything; he didn’t say anything.  I finished my bowl of ice cream, washed the bowl in the sink, and walked up to him.

“I think I’m going to turn in for the night.  So if you’ve made your decision, now would be a good time to do it,” I said, biting my lip.  The Winter Soldier stood up and grabbed his gun.  My eyes closed, my heart pounded.  I was going to die at twenty-two years old.  Now that honestly sucked.  I started saying goodbye to my parents mentally, hoping they would be okay.

I waited for the bullet, for the signature sound of a gun being shot, but no sound came.

Opening my eyes, I saw the Winter Soldier staring at me. “You’re not going to…?” He shook his head.  I smiled. “Thank you.” I started walking away, but I turned around and faced him again.  Hesitantly, I placed my hand on his cheek.  I wanted so badly to tell him who he was, where he came from, but knew it was a stupid idea.  This soldier, disregarding the fact he’d chosen to save my life, was still a loose a cannon.  I couldn’t tell him who he was.  Not yet.  I’d have to find a different time.

“Be careful, okay?” I said. “I’ll see you again.”

With one last smile, I went to my room.  I took a shower and changed into some comfy pajamas.  When I got out, I went to the kitchen to turn out the lights.  The dishes could wait until tomorrow.  But just as I was about to turn the light out, something caught my attention.

The Winter Soldier’s ice cream bowl.

It was empty.

He’d actually eaten it.

A burst of laughter escaped my lips.  This was progress.  If I could get a master assassin who had no memory of who I was to not kill me and to eat, then who knows what I could accomplish with him!  I had the ability to help him regain his memory about who he was and everything!

“You have work to do Annabeth,” I thought.

With that, I turned out the light.

_______________________________________

I’m sorry this took so long to post!  I got really distracted by Tumblr and made a ridiculously sad post about Captain America… if you’re interested in seeing what it is, go onto avengersassemble502.tumblr.com and trust me, you’ll be able to tell which one it is.  It’s when Steve was in the first avenger.  It should be easy to figure out from there.  Anyways, please review! :)  The flashbacks are almost over :)