"It's better to just block everything and everyone out. It's easier that way."

Alpha Xavier's POV

Her eyes shined with undeniable sorrow, causing my wolf to whine, as if he were the one actually feeling the pain. There it was, the slight tug in my heart, a feeling I was unfamiliar with. Brushing it off, I regarded her feeble form, the ashen, ivory colour on her face that made her look even more languid than before.

A twinge of pain pulled my heartstrings; just looking at her weakened, fallible form. I scolded myself, ignoring the spark of energy that came alive when she was around, when she was anywhere near me. Clenching my jaw tightly, I placed the stony, emotionless mask back. It was only a matter of time before she would find out that I was inferior to any form of sentimental feelings.

I pushed my wolf to the back of my mind, focusing on the female rogue that dared pass through my land. Anger then rushed through me, at the thought of those vulgar, uncivilised creatures that roamed freely through the pack's territory. I remembered the times when I took pride and equanimity in killing them, ending their lives forever. It was memorable, and entertaining at the same time, no matter how repulsive it was to see the insides of their corpses spilling out.

Oh, how I loved the sensation when their pleading eyes lost the light behind them, rendering the emotions in their eyes gone, as they dissipated. Comforting contentment when they finally took their last breath, some still begging for mercy as my hands circled their throat. With a final crack, a final twist, a life is lost. It may have been repulsive, sickening to some, but it was solace for me.

"Look at me,"I spoke, gazing at her exquisite features, a sight to see. It wasn't just the irresistible pulchritude she had, but there was something more. Even in such a state, she was appealing to the eye. Such a shame, that it was wasted on a monster like me. A monster that was simply incompetent to emotions.

She didn't move. The presiding part of me growled at that, demanding for respect to be shown. I shouted at her, watching that expression cross her face again. Some part of me liked it. Something inside of me liked that she was afraid, that she was pushing aside her defiance, and that part of me made me hate myself.

I couldn't control it. Every time someone was in guttural pain, was showing submission, deep down, my beast was simply sighing in satisfaction. The devil in disguise inside of me loved when someone's heart was racing in fear, loving the horrifying feeling. If only the cursed would leave me alone.

My father always told me,'To love is to destroy. Having emotions will destroy you, and gives them an advantage. Show no emotions, and feel no pain. Show your emotions, and feel the pain. Feeling is to give someone the power to control you. Those who are heartless gain the most power, so listen to me.'

It is what I was raised to believe. Emotions makes us weak, feeble, a weakness that our enemies could easily manipulate. It's better to not feel, resulting for me to be the stone-cold monster that I am. I didn't know how to feel, I didn't know anything about emotions, and I wanted it to stay that way.

The girl in front of me, was just one of many others who had the unmistakable chance to meet the fury of my wrath. When I ordered my head warrior to do whatever he wanted with her, he obliged immediately. Something stopped me from killing her, though I didn't know what exactly did.

I just couldn't have control over the sadistic part of my mind, the marks from the fragments of my past. It infiltrated my heart with the demons under the raging storm. Now that I was broken, that I've felt too much, a jet black heart replaced the broken one. Yet, I couldn't control the raging fire of choler inside of me.

He isn't just a beast, he's a monster. My anger controlled me, and all I can do is stand there and watch as the destruction took place. I always relished the perception of murder, and there was always a heinous, atrocious part of me that loved it anyways, no matter how vile and merciless it was.

My mate would just pull me down, a diversion from what I had been told all along.

However, when I went down to the cells, and saw her lying there unconscious, something in me ached to save this mysterious girl. Anger had unknowingly filled me when I saw her laying there lifelessly. Immediately, I pushed the warrior aside, and picked her up as gently as I could. My heart hurt when I saw her, but I waved it off, along with the tingles running up my arms.

Tingles and sparks erupted wherever we touched, and I tried not to let that affect me. For God's sake, I'm supposed to hate her but I just couldn't let her die. A little part in the back of my mind protested softly, whining in pain as I clutched my heart.

Some part of me was hurt when I saw her hurt, and I didn't know why. There was no explanation for it, yet there was always a twinge in my heart when I remembered her ill, shaky form. I didn't know why I felt as if someone twisted a knife into my heart when I saw her limp form.

I got to the pack hospital, and placed her on the bed. The nurses and doctors ushered me out as I growled furiously, almost shaking in anger. I wryly put my head in my hands as they were trying to save her. Why was I such a monster? What type of person am I? I can't even control my own damn brain. The demons in my head took over, and created a beast, a monster that lived inside of me. That became a part of me.

As I stared at the white walls, a flashback of my past replayed through my mind, reminding me of the dark days.

*****
It was my seventh birthday and even as a little boy, they never cared, they never paid attention to me. Vaguely, I could remember the indistinct pitter patter of falling rain against the glass window, following the misery swallowing me up. Tears stained my plump cheeks, cold against my skin.

Staring out the window, I barely heard the door open when my father walked in with those soulless eyes that plagued my nightmares. He stalked towards me, making a tingle of fear creep up my spine as I moved backwards. Of course, my back soon hit the wall as I cried even more.

Then and there, I started crying, like any sensible child would do, but he beat me even more, saying,"An Alpha never cries, you weak, pathetic excuse of an Alpha". He sneered, smirking at my limping form, riddled with wounds of many kinds, as he went on. His red eyes flashed like those of a vampire, a brilliant red colour replacing his stormy grey ones, and that scared me the most.

"How could someone like you ever be strong enough to rule over this pack, as the highest rank? You were born weak, you ungrateful pup! I can throw you to the wolves, and you wouldn't even make it out alive. Nobody would ever remember you anyways, would they? Why waste your thoughts on a worthless child?"

He smiled smugly, his diabolical laughter filling my ears as he raised my arm with so much force that it was pulled out of it's socket. I yelped quietly, as he brought a needle to my arm, filled with a clear liquid. In a second, the needle was inserted into my artery, sending an immobilising chill down the rest of my body.

Deprived of any sensation whatsoever, I laid on the bitterly cold, adamantine tiles of the floor. Austere and unforgiving, my father strolled out the door, leaving me on the floor, blood staining the silvery colour of the tiles as I flinched from the cold. The numbness had begun to fade when I attempted to move my arm.

In a voice just above a whisper, I asked to no one in particular but the stone walls,"Why can't anyone love me? Love me, and that's all I'd ask for." I battered my tiny fists on the marble tiles, just to feel something other than a stoic, pretentious mask I placed when my father was around. I didn't want to be like this. Not for my whole life.

*****

I snapped back to reality, glancing at the clock. 12:00a.m, it read.

With all my senses still on alert, I couldn't sleep at all. The ghastly murmur of a voice inside my head was pestering my line of thinking, disrupting any chance of falling asleep. I knew it was my fault. It was all because of me. I stayed awake the whole night, managing to sleep only for a good one or two hours. The prosaic walls created a lachrymose atmosphere, the malodorous, miasmic smell of disinfectant being unusually sharp.

Currently, I was still awake, watching as the clock ticked away. The sound of a door opening alerted my senses once again and I looked to my left to see the doctor coming out of the room, looking nervous as she fiddled with the pen that she held tightly, almost as if she were holding on to it for dear life. Her grip shook, and I could see her knuckles turning white, beads of sweat forming on her forehead.

"How is she?"

"S-She might not make it, Alpha."

I growled, irritated at the lack of response,"Why? What's happened to her?"

"S-She's in a dreadful state, her body, and might not make it, judging by the way her body is."

"What do you mean?"

"Her healing has shut down, meaning her wolf is too weak to heal her body in such a state. The wounds and s-scars on her body shows evidence of obvious negligence to her health. We are not very sure on what exactly has happened to her due to the outrageous amount of scars we found. "

A flush of anger flowed through me, but I just nodded, moving into the room, worried at the state of her health. Shockingly so as well. I told myself that it was just temporary but the ache in my heart started up again, and I clutched my hand against my chest, just on top of my heart. The doctor glanced at me dubiously, before looking away again.

As I entered the room, I noticed that her complexion was pallid, bandages covering majority of her injuries, which only made me feel that ache once again. My wolf had begun to ramble about how we should've stopped it but I just couldn't. Her big, doe-like eyes stared back at me, watching my every move. Then the illusion faded, and her eyes were shut.

I started talking, and it came to me naturally, what I was going to say. I held her cold hand in mine, and it was heartbreaking, the state that her body was in. I never did know the extent of her injuries, but it must have been bad, because the doctor flinched at the sight of her.

At one point, the line that depicted her lifeline, started to beep slowly. Her heartbeat slowed down, and for a second, it stopped, making my breath hitch. The beeping noise seemed to get louder, ringing annoyingly in my ears. Panic consumed my vision, as people began to appear in the room. It took several doctors to hold me back.

I was as still as a statue, the reminder of what I had done, right in front of me. I almost killed my own mate. I am a monster. As her heartbeat picked up slowly, agonizingly slowly, I sighed in relief, sinking down in the uncomfortable plastic chair.

When she did wake up, however, I seemed to be more humane towards her. My beast decided not to manifest itself, as I caressed her cheek. As she leaned into my hand, I felt the connection between both of us spark a feeling wherever we touched. When her gorgeous amber eyes opened, I stared into them, trying to guess what she was thinking.

"Are you okay?" I asked, feeling genuinely concerned, though I tried not to show my affection towards her. When she replied with a subtle,"I'm fine," I just knew she wasn't. Letting the insensitive mask cover my features again, I tried my best to disregard the invigorating sparks that ran through my body at her touch.

I passed her a glass of water quietly, knowing that she needed it. There was an awkward silence that filled the room completely, until the doctor, accompanied by the nurses, came in with an apprehensive expression.

My face immediately covered my actual expression with a cold mask that was meant to intimidate. I wanted to rid my mind of anything that had to do with my emotions. I wouldn't let the bond get through to me, no matter what it takes, I will resist it.

Oh, but what on earth was she doing to me?

**********

note

and that's a wrap...well, for this chapter anyways. i'll try my best to update because I'm having a week of holidays again. *sighs in relief while jumping up and down in happiness*

i hope that you'll all stick with me through the very slow updates. i will try my best to update, 'cause I have a ton of homework. the teachers think it's funny to give us so much torture. like teachers, give us a break. the exams just finished and we got all our devastating results back. now let me mourn while listening to sad songs by halsey.

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