I excused myself from Ferran, planting a kiss on his cheek before getting up. I'd hate to ruin such a beautiful moment, but I had something far more important to take care of. I walked down the path by the almond trees, going through the forested patch downstream. I honestly didn't know where I was going to look for him – he could've been anywhere. I guess it was really just meant to be, or I just somehow knew. Besides, the soft sound of the water splashing told me exactly where he was.

Momo was by himself, skipping rocks across the water. He didn't seem to realise I was there. I watched him as he spun rock after rock, each going further and further than the last. Only when the last pebble sank and he turned around did he notice I was there.

"Hey," I muttered, walking over to him with my hands in my pockets.

Momo only grunted. I wrapped my arms around his shoulder.

"I'm sorry about. . . everything," I said. "I wasn't thinking about how you might feel."

"I'd appreciate it if you could be more specific," Momo said, still looking out over the water.

I sighed.

"Well for both arguing with you earlier and kissing him right in front of you," I apologised.

Momo was silent for a while, before he merely shook his head.

"I thought I was going to be mad at you," he said. "But after clearing my head for a while, I realise I can't even afford that. I'm just sad."

I let go of him, letting my hand drop to my side.

"I'm not mad. I'm not jealous – I'm just sad." Momo continued. "I've been thinking a lot about everything – about everyone I've loved and everyone I've lost. My mother. My grandmother. You. And how at the end of it all I'm always left feeling like I never had enough time."

"You still have me," I said.

"But I've already lost you once," he replied. "And I don't want to happen again. But I know that our time is limited, and that just made me realise it's no use fighting – it's childish."

"I'm not leaving you," I told him.

"I'm not saying you are, but I'm no clairvoyant," Momo said. "Besides, everyone will die."

He turned to look at me with those warm hazel eyes of his.

"I love you so much, fighting with you feels like a waste of time," he said. "I know today hasn't been the most. . . harmonious. But I think we should really sit down and talk about our feelings like adults."

"Or we can stand and talk about it."

Momo smiled.

"It's been a long while since you've kissed me like that," he said. "Not ever since we uh- did. . . that. I know you've been avoiding it, and honestly it was my fault for making you do that with me."

It was true. I had been avoiding any intimacy with him, I was afraid to hurt him, I was disgusted at myself – but hearing him yearn for me stirred something within me.

Reaching out to hold his hands, I turned him to face me.

"I love you so much I was afraid to hurt you," I said. "But I realised I did so anyway."

"It's what they call love, I guess." Momo replied, a smile on his lips.

"Can I kiss you?"

"Please."

I swooped in, our lips finally meeting for the first time in a long while. Closing my eyes, I let myself go, losing myself to my feelings. My body couldn't hide how much I loved him as I felt him squeeze my arms as my tongue entered him. His soft lips tasted like wine and lemons. Letting go of his hands, I found myself running my hands through his hair, down his jaw, and brushing against his cheeks.

I missed this so much. I missed the passion that we had between us. I missed being unafraid to express how much I loved him. As he pressed against me, I did the same, and the both of us nearly lost our balance. It took us nearly falling over to finally separate us.

Momo was smiling, revealing his bright teeth. As the light shone from above through the gaps between the trees above, I couldn't believe how beautiful his smile was. Has he always been this radiant?

"Fuck," I muttered as I pulled him closer again, cradling his pretty face in my hands. "I love you. I love you so, so much. I love you so much like. . . like. . ."

I was at a loss for words.

Momo only smiled at me as he looked into my eyes with those bright, warm eyes of his. These were the eyes of a boy, who in that moment had forgotten all the sorrow surrounding him, caught up in the moment with hope and joy. I loved him more than anything else in the world.

"Like?" he teasingly asked.

I could only break away from his gaze, letting out an awkward laugh. Momo laughed too. I didn't have the words for it, so I could only tell him how much I loved him by peppering him with kisses all over his cheeks, his forehead and his nose. I loved him so much, I couldn't bear to lose him. Not again. I could only hold him tight close to me, wishing we'd never let each other go.

"You always have something smart to say," he said afterwards, when we decided to just stay with each other for a little longer, in our own little world where no one could touch us. "Can't believe you were at a loss for words."

"You do have that effect on me," I replied, chuckling.

Momo only smiled as he leaned back. But his smile slowly disappeared. I guess the ephemeral high we both experienced was starting to fade away, bringing us back to reality.

"Now that we've established that we love each other, convincingly," Momo said, adding the last bit with a cheeky smile. "I think there are some things that we really need to talk about."

"Are you sure you want to do it now?" I asked. "What about –"

"You and I both know we need to stop running away from our problems," he said rather firmly.

And he was right. Truth be told, it was what I admired the most about Momo. How mature and realistic he was – but given all that he had been through, it wasn't surprising.

We both sat down on a large rock by the riverbank.

"I guess I'll start," Momo said with a sigh. "I have a confession to make."

"Let's hear it."

The boy took a deep breath.

"I told you I liked seeing other people because I needed adventure and excitement in my life," he said. "That was. . . an excuse, I guess. After a lot of thought I realised it was mostly just me going around fucking because I was hurt. Just to take my mind off things. And I realise it's unhealthy and reckless."

I could only fidget with my fingers.

"Truth be told whenever you went out, at first I was jealous," I confessed. "But when I found out what had happened to you, I just got worried sick. Because I was afraid someone would hurt you again."

"I know what you're thinking," Momo said as he nudged me with his thigh. "That I go out with all these men for rough sex that I don't usually have with you – but you'd be wrong. I guess it's really stupid, but when I go out with these men and hook up with them and have a good time it's usually a test of my own boundaries, to see if I can be firm enough to agree to what I want to do, and what I don't want to. I know it's really risky and I get why you'd be worried, and honestly. . . it's just stupid."

"I don't think it's stupid," I told him. "You're just regaining something you've lost."

"Yeah. . ." Momo muttered. "And honestly. . . You were the only person I've ever tried that roleplay with."

"But it wasn't a roleplay, was it?"

Momo only shook his head and sighed.

"Sorry," I interjected. "I didn't mean to – Let's uh – talk about somethi–"

"No," Momo cut in firmly. "It's alright."

"How do you feel about it?" I asked.

"I've talked to the therapist about it," he said. "I mean it's difficult of course, and the scars are still there, and they will be for a while. But I've learned not to blame myself. And I realise I don't have the inclination to do it anymore, since I already feel so safe and secure with you."

"I'm always here for you, you know that?"

"Of course I do."

Momo lay his head on my shoulder as we watched the calm river.

"Your turn."

I turned to look at him, but sharp as always, Momo probably anticipated this.

"I'm not going to force you," he continued. "But I wish you'd be more open with me. I want you to know that I'm here for you just like you're here for me. I know you're in pain but you never want to talk about it, and it's difficult for me to watch you when I know I can't do anything."

"Fine," I sighed. "But first of all I just want to say that I really, really admire how you're able to open up to me."

"I didn't do that all by myself," Momo said as he sat back up, turning to look at me with a smile. "You were the one who helped me do it with how kind and concerned you are."

"You think I'm kind?"

"Of course, dummy."

I could only feel the corners of my lips curl up into a grin.

"Anyway," Momo added. "Go on."

"I blame myself for Rafel's death," I confessed. "I don't know how exactly, but I've got a feeling that I was a major part of it. It's not just me thinking about how I should've done something, or how I should've seen it coming – I've already ran those through my mind a thousand times over, but more like how I actually. . . caused it."

"And why would you feel that way?"

"Ferran said he blamed me for it."

"Have you asked him why?"

"He wouldn't tell me."

Momo reached out to hold my hand in his.

"You told me you couldn't remember how he died, just that he took his own life," he said. "Do you want to talk to a therapist about it?"

I shook my head.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not," Momo said. "You're devastated. And it's okay to feel that way. You don't have to put on a front all the time."

"He was like a brother to me," I said, as I felt the tears pool in my eyes. "You know I grew up an only child, and I never had anyone like that in my life. But when I met him – he was everything I ever wanted to be. He had this. . . radiant smile. And everyone loved him. And he had such a charm that he made you feel like you were the most cherished person in the world to him. You would've loved him."

"I'm sure I would."

"And when he died a part of my world died with him. It's really stupid, but I want that world back, as fruitless of an endeavour as it is. That world was full of laughter, of golden sunshine, of the feeling of the wind in my hair as we biked down the country roads. And that world is dead."

Momo paused for a while.

"I get it now," he muttered.

"Get what?"

"Why you're so attached to Ferran," the boy induced. "You're trying to cling to the memory of his brother. Because he's the only thing you have left of him."

Hearing this with my own two ears, I could only stare at the still water in front of us, my feet dangling above its surface. As much as I wanted to tell myself that whatever feelings I had for Ferran were because of him, he could never exist to me without being under the shadow of his brother. Momo was right – and perhaps I had known the truth all this while, I was just very good at denying it.

"You're right," I conceded. "I was just too afraid to admit it out loud."

Momo rubbed his hand down my back.

"You know, it's really cruel that when we lose people, we're just left in the dust to pick up the pieces," he said. "But it is what it is. Time waits for no one."

"Yeah, I know," I muttered. "Like, rationally I know all this but I guess my heart just has a hard time adjusting."

"And there's nothing wrong with that," Momo said.

I only sighed, as I rested my head on his shoulder.

"You know when my mother was sick in bed, she would tell me all about her village in Algeria – about the hilly lanes, the snow-capped mountains and the lemon groves stretching to as far as the eye can see. She'd tell me how she wished she could see those sights again, but you know, given her condition she couldn't. The travel would be too much for her."

"She told me she'd love to show me around, show me the places she used to play as a child. And I'd entertain her fantasy, she'd tell me all these stories from her childhood as if I were there. But of course that never happened. That'll just be too good to be true."

Momo let out a sigh, and I could feel his shoulder fall.

"I eventually got to visit of course – when we went to bury her."

"God," I muttered. "I'm so sorry."

"It was really surreal," he said. "I finally get to see all the places that she had told me about – and they were all like she described them. She even remembered the small details, like a whole complete picture. I guess the only thing that was missing, was her."

We stayed silent for a moment.

"The truth is," Momo said. "You don't really 'get over' someone. You just learn how to deal with the pain, at your own pace. I guess dealing with the pain is just. . . the realisation that you're never going to see them again. You might think they live on somewhere, in the smallest everyday things in your life but the sooner you accept that they're just figments of memory the better it is for you. I don't know, or at least that was how it seemed for me."

"But that isn't to say they weren't important. They were. That's why losing them hurts so much because all you have left are those memories of them in the past and they can't be with you anymore. And even those memories fade away.

Momo let out another deep sigh.

"But life goes on, whether we like it or not. You have to keep on moving to survive."

"Yeah, you're right," I said, sitting back up. "I guess I really do have to move on. Believe me, I want to it's just. . . difficult."

"Because of Ferran?"

"Not just that." I muttered, getting off from the rock. "It's. . . I don't know. I know I need to do something, and something has to change but I don't know what."

"Do you really want to hear what I have to say?"

I turned around, watching him stand back up and walk up to me.

"I think you should re-evaluate your relationship with him." He said. "I'm not saying this because of me but from what I can see it's not doing you any good going on like this."

Momo was right, but at the same time he didn't know the whole picture. It was easier for him to say it, of course. He didn't say it aloud, but I knew what he meant.

"I promised Rafel that I would take care of him," I admitted. "That's why it's difficult for me to leave."

"But hasn't he left you before?" he questioned. "You told me he ditched you back in summer. And he clearly could be left alone."

"Yeah," I muttered. "But I don't think I can ever leave him."

Momo only smiled weakly as he nodded. I could see the sadness and disappointment in his eyes.

"I was kinda expecting that to be honest."

"Momo –"

"Let's just get back before we hold him up too much."

Without a word, Momo started heading back, hands shoved in his pockets.