when i go to bed, i realize that by saying what he said, he admitted that he'd been watching me, and my head spins and spins into the far unknown that is iwaizumi hajime.

—

the next morning i rush over to get to iwaizumi's house just a little bit sooner. i arrive ten minutes earlier than i had the day before — wow, tooru, what an accomplishment — and tell his mother i woke up early and my mom needed to clean the kitchen asap. just so i don't seem too weird.

"by the way, tooru," she starts, "would you like to stay over for dinner tonight? iwaizumi and i would love to have some company."

"ah, that would be really nice!" i smile brightly, my hand pressed against the side of my neck — a habit for when i'm nervous or feel indebted or whatever. "are you sure that's okay?"

"very much so. i'm excited to get to know his friends a little more."

"ah, i'm honoured," i chuckle, and it's taking all my energy not to burst into flames like i'm the freaking sun. "i would love to join you."

"that's settled then. i hope you like a little spice?"

"i can handle some!" i nod enthusiastically.

"good. my mother's from india, and i tend to let that influence my cooking. a lot of spices come and go in this household... sorry, i must be boring you," she smiles that charming smile that can almost turn a gay man straight, and i swoon a little, because iwaizumi has the same smile.

"no! that's interesting. i'd love to travel there one day... always have."

"really?" she chuckles, "maybe we'll take you sometime." i blush at the mere idea.

iwaizumi appears, and his mother signs away as i watch the lines of his face move as he responds to her messages — jaw, cheekbone, smile lines, anything i can hold onto; i do.

he smiles.

"he's glad you'll be coming over."

i smile too.

—

"okay. here's the deal," hanamaki says as he joins mattsun, iwaizumi and i, "you fucking like him, and you have to tell him, because i've never seen you like this before. and it's weird."

"makki!" i hiss, "he's right next to me!"

"and he can't hear shit."

"he can read lips."

"yet he isn't." iwaizumi continues to eat his sandwich, unbothered, staring at his phone. "see?"

"still," i grumble, "someone might hear... that would be bad."

"why? because being gay is suddenly terrifying?" makki says sarcastically, "no, you never cared too much about coming out. but you do care around him. and i don't know what kind of love-at-first-sight bullshit this is, but you've got it good, and it's weird. not necessarily bad, but... unsettling."

"i don't know what love is. i don't know what this is. it's just... he..."

"he's reading your previous conversations, if you're wondering what he's doing," mattsun casually interjects, and as i glance over, i see him scrolling through the few text messages we've shared.

"see?" makki points out, "mattsun, what do you think? is he gay?"

"possibly bi," mattsun states, "not gay. but... not straight."

"there you have it. has mattsun's gaydar ever been wrong?" makki taunts, "no. he knew you were gay a year before you told him. he knows this stuff. go for it, you big idiot."

"no," i say simply, closing my bento box, having lost all appetite, "i will not, because even if he may not mind me being gay, i'd come dangerously to pushing him out of my life forever, and that after only two days." the box is packed. "i'll tell him in not too long. but not yet. okay?"

iwaizumi nudges me, handing me his phone. it's him asking if he can come do homework on a bench in the volleyball gymnasium.

i smile and nod — he wants to spend time with me. well, not with me specifically... i don't know. it just makes me happy. can't a flamboyant gay kid be happy once in a while?

"you like him way too much," makki sighs.

"shut up," i reply, continuing to smile.

—

he sits there. doing some homework, but not a lot. i know, because i often look over at him, only to find that he's looking at me, and we both look away, blushing shyly.

matsukawa might be right. who knew he ever would be.

during a short break, i hurry over to him, and sit down next to his math book. he immediately looks up. no more math.

"hi," i smile, "you okay?" he nods, leaning back, palms on the bench supporting him.

"good," i nod, leaning forwards with my arms on my thighs, staring at the court. i feel something cold against my arm. it's pocari sweat.

"thank you," i murmur, taking it from him, sipping away. i find the silence comforting — the silence that ensues.

"you're cute," i sigh, making sure he can't read my lips, "and i'm starting to think... you may think so about me, too. maybe."