it's not like it's awkward after that. it's not like talking to him is weird. the evening full of texting makes me smile, not cringe — thank goodness.

but there's something nagging at my insides, slowly crumbling me apart — and i can't seem to understand why. why me not coming out is suddenly such a big deal not only to others, but to myself as well. i've never had a problem with not telling people. i always just admitted whenever they asked and that was that. but somehow, i feel guilty for not telling him. 

and then it hits me; because if he rejects me, i'll probably be somewhat scattered.

i haven't known him long enough for him to destroy me with the somehow typical 'what the fuck is a gay' response most japanese adults seem to have, but i know that this could potentially be the first time i ever come out to a crush. someone that i secretly hope to be gay, or something of the sort, as well. i can't just say 'fuck it', because i like him.

i had this feeling before coming out to mattsun, makki, and later to the team as well. if they'd rejected me, i probably would've been destroyed. completely obliterated. a captain unwanted and out of place — imagine it.

i've known this guy for a day. i can't believe myself.

—

i decide to walk him to school. when i arrive and ring the doorbell, a rather beautiful woman in her early forties opens up for me. she looks slightly aged, but in the best way — wise and gorgeous, mature. she reminds me of him. she doesn't look particularly japanese — maybe she has south asian roots or something.

"oh, hi! you must be one of iwaizumi's classmates," she says with the type of grace that reminds you of beyoncé's voice — smooth, slightly sassy and absolutely mesmerizing.

"y-yeah! i'm oikawa tooru, he accompanied me to my volleyball club two days ago," i introduce myself, bowing, "nice to meet you, iwaizumi-san."

"ah! he told me all about you," she chuckled softly, "come on in, he's finishing up as of now. he was wondering if you would show up."

"really?" i ask hopefully, before blushing, realizing my mistake, "i-i, i mean—"

"really," she winks, "he won't admit it, but i can tell, don't you worry. he told me he appreciates your trying. especially with the whole deaf thing."

"is he... is he okay? with how i handle it?" i bite my lip, because god i'm nervous, "i don't want to offend him, and i don't know sign language, so it can be hard."

"he appreciates anyone who goes the extra mile to communicate with him. he has simple needs." footsteps can be heard in the hallway, and iwaizumi appears, surprise on his face as he notices me. he raises his hands, and quickly signs something. i raise my eyebrow in confusion.

"he says good morning," his mother informs me. i nod, smiling brightly and waving back at him. he brightens up. i love it.

—

it's thursday and, yet again, i have practice. iwaizumi agrees to join us, as long as he's allowed to make homework on the bench. i agree enthusiastically, and give coach no other option than the usual yes. yahaba is an amazing translator and life is pretty much awesome.

when practice is done he doesn't seem to notice, being concentrated on his work and all. i decide to sit down in front of him. he looks up when i do, and i smile, not allowing myself to distract him any further.

he works on for a solid ten minutes before he closes his book with a loud exhale — not quite a sigh. he looks at me again and smiles, obviously tired. i smile back, tired as well. he types something and my phone buzzes.

'you doing okay?'

'i'm great!! and my hardworking iwa-chan?'

'tired but satisfied.'

'you were good today'

'your team adores you'

'i can understand why. you were really amazing.'

'iwa-chan. ('༎ຶོρ༎ຶོ')'

'don't make me regret that'

'gomen gomen!!! i just... i don't really know what to say. thank you, very much.'

'you're welcome. let's head home.'

'let's.'