josh is gone by the time tyler wakes up in the morning. he had searched the whole house for him, only to be let down. the brunette brushes it off, probably something urgent that he didn't have time to tell tyler about. or maybe he just didn't want to wake him up. either way, tyler decides not to worry about it and instead goes to check in on billie.

"knock, knock," he says, peeking in her room.

"oh, hey," she says, glancing in his direction before returning to the task of brushing her hair. "good morning."

"good morning," tyler repeats, shutting the door as he joins her inside. "how'd you sleep?"

"good, way better than i would've otherwise."

"good," he smiles. "can i ask you something?"

"yeah, sure."

"did hayley say anything else about me after i left last night?" he can't help but ask. it's been eating him from the inside out since last night.

"not much, really," billie admits. "she said something like you two were probably going to go fuck and that ashley and jenna are blind for not seeing the signs. she said there is something obviously going on between you but josh won't admit it."

"oh," tyler hums.

"be honest, tyler," she says, smirking. "what is going on?"

"we're..." tyler pauses, considering his options. either be honest and risk everyone finding out, or lie and play it safe. "we're friends with benefits, i guess."

it wasn't a total lie.

"doesn't that just make you feel like he's using you for sex? you're okay with that?"

it's not like that, tyler wants to say, but he can't so he simply says, "i mean, it's not really like that. i please him, he pleases me. i wouldn't keep doing it if i wasn't okay with it."

"yeah, that makes sense, sorry. it's just that hayley seemed totally convinced you guys were some secret thing."

tyler fakes a laugh. "josh? having feelings for someone? that sounds like a joke to me."

billie laughs along. "yeah, that's what i thought! he doesn't seem like the lovey-dovey type."

doesn't seem like it, but he is. josh acts all big and hard, but deep down he's just a big teddy bear. isn't that how a lot of men are, though? tyler wouldn't know, he's just a big teddy bear all of the time. he's been trying to be better at acting tough, though.

"trust me, he's not," tyler plays along. "he has his moments, but it's more caring than it is love."

"i think hayley's just jealous he cares about you more than he does her," she grins, elbowing him.

"probably," tyler rolls his eyes. "we've already lost two girls who acted out because they were jealous. hopefully she isn't as stupid as them. anyway, i think i'm supposed to train you today. i'm not really sure, because josh isn't here, but debby taught me on my first day."

"debby?"

"one of the girls we lost," he explains. "so anyway, how long have you been doing this?"

"not very long," she admits. "a little over a year."

"that's okay. do you have any family that will be looking for you?"

"nope. my mama's dead, my dad kicked me out, and i haven't seen my brother since i was thirteen."

"i'm sorry about your mom," tyler says. "but don't worry, we're your family now."

billie smiles, rolling her eyes afterward.

"okay," tyler starts, getting ready to explain the rules of the house and everything. "you have to keep your eyes down out in public. don't ask, just trust me. you're starting out at a daily quota of $500, which will increase the better you get. failure to do so results in punishment.

and i also have to say you are to obey not only josh, but me too. i'm josh's bottom, like his right hand man. it's okay to refer to him as josh when talking with the girls, but when he is around you refer to him as daddy. it's kind of ridiculous, but it's his rule. when you go out, now, a body guard usually watches from a distance to make sure all things go smoothly. rarely ever will you be allowed to leave the house alone.

and josh's biggest competitor, brendon urie, he's someone to watch out for. he runs the biggest brothel in town. one of the girls we lost snuck him into a party not too long ago and, well, i was either about to be raped, kidnapped, or murdered by him, so there's that..."

"jesus!" she exclaims.

"i know," tyler chuckles. "it was insane. he would've done something if josh wouldn't have busted the door down, beat his ass, and held a gun to his head."

"oh my god?" billie laughs a bit. "that does sound insane."

"i know, i know," tyler waves his hand. "but is everything else i said clear to you?"

"yep," she nods. "sounds good to me."

"good," he smiles. "oh, and i forgot, relationships are forbidden, lust is tolerable but love is unacceptable, everything must be done with josh's consent, and don't ever question him."

tyler frowns a bit, realizing the first couple of things he told her went against everything him and josh were doing. they really were breaking josh's own rules, and it never really sunk in until now.

josh told tyler himself, lust is tolerable but love is unacceptable. how exactly does that translate to their relationship? does josh just lust for him? does he just tell tyler he loves him so he can sleep with him? god, tyler hates his brain sometimes. he needs to learn how to shut it off.

"got it," billie responds, frowning as she notices the boy looking a bit panicked. "you okay?"

"what? oh, yeah, yeah, i'm okay," tyler chuckles nervously, swallowing the lump in his throat.

he's safe, he tries to tell himself. he doesn't need to panic, he's okay, and josh is okay, and everything between them is okay. josh isn't like that, he wouldn't do that... right?

"fuck, uh, sorry, uh..." tyler stutters, nervously tapping his fingers against his thigh. "i'm gonna go, uh, um... gonna go downstairs," he manages to blurt out.

before he can hear billie's response, he's out the door and rushing downstairs. he crashed into felix on the way down, who thankfully catches him before he starts falling. "woah, where you going?"

"downstairs, i don't know, josh's room, probably." the words shoot out of his mouth as fast as lightning. felix catches on to the nervous flickering of his eyes, feeling the brunette shaking under his grip.

"ty, hey, what's wrong?"

"no, nothing," tyler quickly dismisses. he doesn't want to hear that question when so many things are wrong. he doesn't want to think about it anymore. "i'll be in josh's room."

he breaks out of felix's grip and continues on his way, slamming josh's door shut once inside. he leans against it, shutting his eyes and sighing. he doesn't know what's wrong with him. why does he freak out and break down like that over the smallest things? is he really that bad at handling his emotions?

josh's room is, of course, empty. it's both a blessing and a curse. tyler would rather not talk to josh about his feelings anymore, he already does that enough. it probably annoys the man past the brink of sanity. on the other hand, all he wants right now is for josh to hold him and tell him that everything is okay.

a small whine escapes him, the thought of josh making his heart ache. he hates this feeling, hates feeling so in love with a man that very well may be lying about his feelings in order to get in tyler's pants. he hates thinking that, too. he just hates everything about himself.

wiping a stray tear with trembling fingers, tyler decides to curl up in the middle of josh's bed. underneath the sheets that smell like him, of course, as if that's somehow going to make him feel better. it doesn't, and tyler is just left longing for josh even more. where is he? why isn't he here? tyler needs him right now.

jesus, he needs to get ahold of himself. he needs to stop depending on josh so much. he needs to. the poor boy feels sick to his stomach at the thought of josh possibly not loving him back. he buries his face in josh's duvet, tears silently dampening the fabric.

tyler doesn't remember falling asleep, but he must've. his eyes open, still wet and swollen from his little meltdown. there's josh, sitting on the edge of the bed and holding his hand. tyler's eyes swell with tears all over again.

"hi, dear," josh says, planting a kiss on his cheek. "what's got you so sad?"

tyler refuses to cry again, but it's real hard with josh being so sweet to him. he loves tyler, obviously. it's so clear, and tyler is so stupid for ever thinking otherwise.

"i just love you," he murmurs, knowing that sounds like a stupid reason to be sad. it's the honest to god truth, though, when it all boils down.

"and that makes you sad? why?"

"no... i... i don't know. just hold me, please?"

the older nods, adjusting tyler to sit in his lap. his arms encase the brunette, fingertips trailing up and down his bare arm. "i'm sorry i didn't tell you i was leaving, you looked like you were in a deep sleep."

"it's okay," tyler sighs. he was overreacting, as always. he knew josh meant no harm in leaving without telling him, but for some reason his stupid brain couldn't just believe it. "josh?"

"yes?"

"don't you feel guilty about breaking your own rules? i mean, i know i do... you were very clear that love and relationships are forbidden," he says quietly, secretly hoping josh wouldn't be able to hear.

"not really," josh says. "i mean, they're rules for the girls, not for me."

"but they're supposed to be rules for me, too..."

"i suppose that's true..." josh agrees, frowning slightly. "just don't worry about it, okay dear? you do enough of that. i'll take care of it if anything happens. i have your back. do you trust me?"

"i trust you," tyler nods. at least, he wants to believe so. if he did trust josh, though, why would his brain always convince itself that tyler isn't in josh's best interest? he sighs, quickly shaking the thought away before he can dwell on it. "i did some training with billie today."

"yeah? how'd it go?"

"it was okay, i just told her the rules and the basics. i didn't get to teach her any tricks, or anything, because i started... um... well, panicking."

"i'm sorry i wasn't here," josh says, feathering kisses atop tyler's head. "how'd you handle it?"

"well, i turned into a nervous, stuttering wreck and ran out of the room. felix stopped me on my way down here but i ran away from him too. i thought being in here would help but it didn't, so i just cried, and i guess i fell asleep."

"hey, that's okay. it's an improvement."

"how?" tyler sighs. "it didn't feel like one."

"because you knew to remove yourself from whatever made you panic. you didn't just freeze up and have no clue how to help yourself. i'm really proud of you, ty."

"really?" tyler smiles, meeting the man's eyes.

"yes, really," josh responds, kissing him. "you should be proud of yourself, too."

"okay," he says, although he knows how much convincing he's going to have to do in order to tell his brain he should be proud of himself. "i love you, josh."

"i love you too, dear. i don't think i could ever get tired of hearing you say that."

tyler chuckles, kissing him again. "and i could never get tired of kissing you." just to prove it, he kisses josh another time.

"i'm right with you on that one."

"can you tell me where you were?" tyler asks curiously. "if not, it's okay."

"scouting for a new recruit," he responds. "and i think i found one. i'll probably pick them up tonight while you guys are out, that way you can go about business as usual. sound good?"

"mhm," tyler hums, peppering kisses along josh's neck. "can we fuck? i'm still sad and just want to forget about it."

josh chuckles. "you want me to fuck the sad out of you?"

"exactly."

"really?"

"yes, why? do you not want to?"

"no, i do, i'm just making sure you actually want me to."

"i do, goofy," tyler smiles, purposely shifting around in josh's lap. "please?"

"yes, sir," josh teases, clearly trying to ignore the tightness growing in his pants.

"i've already told you, i'm baby."

__a/n__

BY THE WAY...
we reached #1 in joshler?!? what?!???

thank you all so much for enjoying this story as much as i do, i really appreciate it!

no surprise, next chapter will be smut for you sinners ((: