Y'all ready for this~

Up to 2016 (11 years old)

SO growing up up until 5th grade (11 years old) I didn't know the concept of straight n queer so I followed the mold my parents and the world they put me in tried to mesh me into and I think I genuinely liked dudes.

I wasn't all in like other girls my age, but I liked lookin at em and thinking about a possible future life with em. Even got myself a "boyfriend."

I say "boyfriend" because we never ever saw each other outside of school, all we did was tell each other we liked each other and acted all shy around each other at school. I don't even think we had a real conversation 💀

Tbh I think we only "liked" each other because we were the tallest kids at the school 🤷🏾‍♀️

I do remember that I used to look at girls for a little too long as they walked by and snuck loads of glances at the posters hung up in Victoria's Secret, but I figured it was me wanting to become a woman or something 🤷🏾‍♀️

Funny enough, though, I never had a romantic dream about a boy...remember that.

2016-2017 (11-12)

Completely switching gears, around fourth or fifth grade (11/12 years old) was when my innocent little Christian-but-curious-self stumbled upon the world of porn...and I very quickly fell into uh addiction.

:/

Not gonna lie, kinda ashamed. Legit would stay up until four in the morning sometimes just to watch it 😭

But I guess you could say that this addiction helped me because I realized how much dude parts...repelled me...?

Not at all saying addictions are healthy but at least I learned something about myself then and not later when I might've thrown up at the sight of a boyfriend pulling down his pants—

Anygayyyyy

It is kinda weird how I used it though. I didn't use porn to like get horny or jack off, I watched it like an educational movie it's so weird 🤣

In my head I was like "Oh that's how that works...oh wow that's crazy...dam look at that...oof don't like that~"

Yeah...💀

Also my addiction became an addiction I feel because I could never find a video I'd watch all the way through because I got so bored so fast. Felt like I was constantly on the search of a video that was good all the way through.

If they made good videos I dunno if it woulda been an addiction 🤣🤣

Okay for real anygay~

I had strayed away from the straight vids because watching dude parts made me cringe all the way back to my spine and I somehow landed on the lesbian ones.

Still couldn't watch any of those videos all the way through, but I did have my little (slightly terrifying) awakening that I would much rather watch those than any other one.

Very shortly after this awakening, I started thinking about my behaviors and my thoughts and I realized that girls did sneak into my mind w a y y y y more than guys.

One girl in particular...one of my good friends at the time.

She ended up breaking my heart but I'll tell you that story next week since it has to do with me coming out :,)

What fully affirmed my feelings was when I had the first romantic dream I can remember, and it was with a girl.

I say romantic, I'm lying, it was hella sexual and I woke up really uncomfortable because I was literally twelve why tf was my mind so hyper-sexual 😭💀

IT WAS WITH TWO GIRLS I REMEMBER OMG

BUT I know what you might be thinkin and that wasn't a sign that I'm poly. Respect to you if ya like that but personally I'd get jealous and mean and insecure and I only wanna give my heart to one person at a time because just that is scary enough

AnygayYyYyY 🤣

I ended my fifth grade year a self-proclaimed lesbian (even though for some reason I kept my "boyfriend") and I thought that'd be the end...but it was far from it.

2017-2020 (12-15)

Middle school yearssssss the worst years of my lifeeeee yayyyyyyy

So my middle school years was when I began to cool down from my baby gay elementary school years craze and I really analyzed my thoughts and feelings.

I met some guys in middle school that made me reel back my once-firm stance that I was a lesbian and think that I should maybe reconsider.

I was also introduced to the world of the beautiful non-binaries ☺️

Even though I was still pretty hesitant about cis guys, I basically realized that everyone of every gender can be pretty attractive. I switched teams over to pan ^-^

And I believe it was in this time frame that I questioned my gender. Like I didn't want a gender re-assignment surgery but I also grew a firm resistance to super fem clothing and norms...

I ended middle school still undecided on that matter 😌✌🏾

2020-2022 (15-16)

Ayeeeeee made it to the present :D

So basically not too too much has changed, only the fact that literally everyone around me I'm realizing is so freaking hot 😭😭

On God I have the most diverse attractions. I love em black, white, hispanic, english, guys, gals, non-binary pals, curly hair, straight hair, short hair, Rapunzel hair, short tall~

Im jus overwhelmed with how beautiful everyone is I stg

Im not fully split between guys and girls but I haven't leaned this far toward the guy's side since I was eleven

Why tf is everyone so attractive 😭😭

If I had to put it into numbers I'd say I'm team girls 60% and team guys 30%

(But that's for attraction, I'm still on the fence on if I'd date a cis guy..)

Another big thing that's changed is my view on fashion. I used to not be into it because all my past schools had dress codes and uniforms and I was too deep in my mental health stuff to really care, but I've learned that expressing yourself in your clothing is a great way to get some confidence in yourself and help your mental health :3

I can't fully dive into my fashion identity because my parents demand femininity and conformity but I can dive in a bit :3

You wanna see some of my fits?

I wanna be complimented so here's some of my favorite fits tell me your favorites~

^-^

Top left one is my favorite so far not gonna lie~

I love how in 4/5 I'm wearing some flannel/collar 😭 I have a problem

The biggest thing that's changed in this time period is me being exposed to all the different aspects of identity. Y'know your gender expression, your actual gender identity, your sex, r your romantic orientation, and your sexual orientation.

I can say that now I'm more comfortable in myself than I've ever been. Still got a long while to go but we'll get there ^-^

In fact, to wrap this up, I'll tell y'all what I identify with for each :3

Gender expression: Androgynous/ambiguous (preferably/mostly)
Gender identity: Questioning, but most likely non-binary
Sex: Female
Romantic: Queer (more into females though)
Sexual: Gray-asexual
Pronouns: Anything but they/them (nothing against it, just not my thing. Feels like I'm being called more than one person :/)

Oh yeah, in regards to the gray-ace, I forgot to mention that another thing porn taught me was how low of a sex drive I have. That along with my firm morals that say romance is way superior to and more important than sex to me because I could honestly live without it, I came to the conclusion that I'm gray-ace ☺️

I jus wanna fall in love 😭

But the chances of that might be low...I dunno, you'll see next week when I talk about my coming out(s)...

See you next week 🤍
~ Rae 🤍✊🏾🏳️‍🌈✨