Title: The Fourth Piper

Author: Tweeter109

Genre: Fantasy

PRESENTATION ✿✿✿✿❀

The interesting thing about your cover is that it gives me '90s fantasy book vibes, like Tamora Pierce or Terry Brooks. So it's certainly high quality. But a lot of books that had those types of covers are now getting redesigns because the the style readers are attracted to now is very different. My advice is, for the Wattpad crowd, you might want something flashier. Bold colors, bright text, that sort of thing. 

Your map is nice, and you don't have a ton of clutter before your first chapter. I approve.

HOOK ✿✿✿❀❀

The second sentence of your blurb is confusing and doesn't read well due to the repetition of the word "from". You've got some room to add in information without the blurb dragging on, so I would suggest giving us more specifics here. There are situations in summaries where you want to be vague to keep the mystery alive, and situations where you want to be extremely specific to show off what makes your book unique. This is a great place to give us insight into your world. Thieves, assassins, and rebels are standard fantasy stuff, but tell us that the thieves taking over entire cities? That the assassins have staged a coup? Make it more relevant and you start to stand out.

The other problem this presents is that it makes the stakes vague. From your blurb, we understand that they need the Piper, but we have no clear idea of what will happen if they fail. We know the land needs to be "restored" and that's it. "Restored" could mean so many different things, it just keeps the blurb from having the impact you want. The story concept is cool, but the blurb isn't doing it justice.

One other thing is the sentence "Of course, though, that's only a folktale, isn't it?". It doesn't make sense with the rest of the blurb. You've been talking about the Piper for the past three sentences, throwing this in now, saying it's not real, is just confusing. On top of that, using both "of course" and "though" feels redundant. I say just cut this out entirely and spend more time talking about the cult because cults are cool. 

I really liked the thief vibes of your "Part One" excerpt, but to get me all excited with that and then lead me to your first chapter is quite cruel. Where is the thievery I was promised? Why are we spending so much time looking over a cliff?

Your first chapter starts off with very thick language, and I think part of that is once again redundant word choices. Here's some examples from the first paragraph alone:

It's not only that we're getting some words repeated, it's that we're getting three or four words repeated in a very short space. "Think" and "thought" are used three times, as is "cliff", and peace is used twice (I know that's for a specific effect, but when you have so much more repetition it doesn't work). This problem continues through the second paragraph with words like "stranger", "face", and "cloak" being used multiple times. 

The language is pretty and paints a good image. I can picture it very clearly and I feel the tone you're trying to convey. But the issue is there's nothing really going on here for a while. It picks up in the middle of the chapter, and mostly held my interest until the end. But if I were reading for fun, at that point I'd already have given up. You have an incredibly interesting idea for an opening, and you should really play up to that more. 

Between your story idea and your opening chapter, it feels like you have a hook in your hands and you're just not using it.

Beyond that, my general thoughts on the first chapter are:

-Watch out for dialogue tag + adverb. You use that several times and again, it's that whole repetitive thing. You also don't need to use a dialogue tag every time a character thinks something to themselves. By using italics, it's understood that these are their thoughts.

-I'm confused as to why the first chapter is in the POV of the man, but it always refers to him as "stranger". If these are his thoughts, why is he calling himself a stranger? It would work if this was a more distanced POV, but it's not. I get that you're trying to create mystery, but there has to be a better way.

-When he ended up accidentally telling her why he was up there, it felt like a silly moment from a sitcom where characters blab about a secret or say something stupid that very obviously gives it away. You know, when you roll your eyes because you know in real life nobody would be that dumb? This may very well just be me and my opinion, but it felt forced for the sake of the chapter. 

-You don't need to worldbuild here. I got distracted with all of the information you were trying to throw in here, with the War and the woman's country and the rivalry between them. Again, focus on your hook, and pare down the unnecessary. Mentioning the Solette and the War is good enough to show us that yes, you have built your own world, and yes, there are interesting things going on that we'll learn about later.

-Lastly, I know this is purely a matter of opinion and personal taste, but it felt very melodramatic to me and that's just not what I like to read. I know a lot of other people like it, but this is my review and I have to say it.

GRAMMAR ✿✿✿❀❀

I don't know if this is technically grammar, and I'm sure someone will let me know after I publish this review, but I had to put it somewhere and grammar seemed like the best place.

The word repetition is a really big problem and it doesn't just happen in one section. 

The first paragraph of your second chapter repeats "night" four times, and "cold" and "fire" twice. That's in one paragraph. I saw this all throughout the first chapter and it continues on for the rest of the book. This is an editing thing that software can't really help you with. It's tough, but you've got to train yourself to keep on the lookout for this. The fact that it's done so consistently and prevalent makes me think that you might not even be aware of it. Once you start noticing, it should get easier to reduce the amount of times you use a single word.

I also saw some weirdly formatted sentences, like the one below (I don't have the grammar know-how to tell you what's wrong, but I know that in terms of sentence structure, it's awkward).

Using an em dash and then a semi-colin is like sticking rocks in a sentence for your clumsy reader (that's me) to trip over. This wasn't everywhere, so it's not a huge problem, but still. 

The only other issue I found with your grammar is that sometimes you throw in these little extra words when they're not necessary. I gotta tell you, I feel that my education has failed me right now because I sound so stupid trying to explain this in Nora terms─I don't know what words are grammatically called, but it happened multiple times. You add in words like "too" and "though" in places where they don't need to be. One example is below. I apologize that I am uneducated and useless but now you have a screenshot and you can take it to someone who knows what they're talking about. 

Other than that, the only complaint I have is the abundance of ellipses. Those are supposed to pack a punch, so use them sparingly. All the ellipses and italics in the second chapter made the chapter read, to me, like the written equivalent of one of those old movies where people didn't speak and just made really exaggerated movements and facial expressions. 

You clearly have a good grasp of English, and an expansive enough vocabulary to give us spicy little descriptions like "pernicious westerlies". It's very polished. I know you're capable of fixing these problems, which is why I'm pointing them out. Just make sure you don't let yourself fall into bad habits ;)

PLOT ✿✿✿❀❀

I feel like your first chapter is more of a hook than anything, so where I'm really looking for plot is chapters two and three. 

I know I usually advocate for cutting to the chase, but in this case I think you could give yourself a little more time to develop what you've got going on. If Shade is supposed to be an enigma, than Marian is our real "main character", the one readers should be connecting to. Give us more info about her in the second chapter. You don't have to go into "Marian was born in a small village, her parents were poor, she had a pet Komodo dragon" level backstory, but tell us more relevant things.

She knew Shade was involved with the Piper. How did she know? And how did she know where to find him? Has she been following him? It mentions she's after him for a reward, but what kind of reward? Is she in this to get rich or is she trying to gain some land or form of protection? These are the kinds of things that will help us feel like we know Marian as a character. You don't have to tell us everything, you can leave us wanting more, but when you skip over stuff relevant to the plot it just leaves readers confused. 

One way you can make more room for Marian is by cutting out some of the worldbuilding stuff. We're seeing your world through your character's eyes, and that doesn't work if we don't know what your character's doing or why. When all I want to know is how Marian found the Shade and you're telling me the nuances of political relations between Aljhin and Eracelli, it makes me frustrated more than anything. 

Another thing that baffled me was her feelings towards the Shade. They're all over the place. She's hunting him, she's sorry for him, she's scared of him, she has distaste for him, she's manipulating him, she doesn't trust him. This is just in chapter two. Remember that this is Marian's first encounter with him (unless she knew him before, in which case the readers should know that). I see this happen a lot; two characters will meet for the first time and act with way too much familiarity, because the author forgets that while you know your character extremely well, your protagonist doesn't. If you make Marian's feelings more consistent and distant (thank you, thank you, I am very clever), you have more room to go through all those stages as their relationship develops.

All in all, the second chapter could do a better job of linking up our introduction of the Shade and Marian with the plotline of them traveling together. I'd love to see Marian a little more cautious around the Shade, more of a build towards their decision to travel together. At this point, as a reader, it felt like I had skipped two pages. The characters need to arrive at these decisions on their own, not because the author is trying to force the plot forward. 

But rocky start aside, I think the storyline of Marian and Shade traveling together is intriguing and suspenseful. I like the mystery surrounding Shade and the Outpost, his cult, and why he's so guarded about his identity. Again, you have a really great concept here─two strangers, both keeping secrets from each other, traveling together while also plotting against each other. I just need some of those holes filled in so I can appreciate it more.

CHARACTERS ✿✿✿❀❀

Marian and Shade are pretty much the only characters introduced who are of any consequence. I like them both, even if I can't entirely get a pin on their personalities. I thought Shade was much older when I read the first chapter, just because of the way he talks to Marian, but now I'm getting romantic undertones and I feel like it's a completely different character.

Similarly, Chapter Three Marian is sassier, bolder, and more outspoken than the Marian from the first and second chapters, who stutters and says sweet, emotional things to mourn the Shade. I feel like Chapter Three Marian wouldn't have let him pull a knife on her and make her leave, she would've done something about it. 

Same with Chapter Three Shade. He's much more calculated and efficient than the dramatic stranger we were introduced to in Chapter One. All in all, I like Chapter Three Marian and Shade the best, and I'd really like to see more of them. They get stuff done and they make me laugh.

ENJOYMENT ✿✿❀❀❀

I was really torn on this one. I wanted to give it a three out of five because by Chapter Three I actually really liked Marian and Shade. But the melodrama, the abundance of ellipses and italics, the backstory holes, and the repetitive word usage just kind of piled up on me and kept pulling me out of the story. 

CONCLUSION:

This reads like a classic fantasy book, and I could easily see it on the shelves at my library... but it needs editing.

TOTAL SCORE:

18/30