Title: Shatter Like Glass

Author: AlcinaMystic

Genre: Fantasy, specifically a fairytale retelling

PRESENTATION ✿✿✿❀❀

Your cover is stunning, absolute perfection, and I am in no way biased.

Unfortunately I do have to take a point off for the extras. 5 chapters before the book begins is really too much. You've got to consider the fact that a lot of people are reading this on their phones, and Wattpad likes to stick ads in between chapters, so that's an added hassle if they just want to skip straight to the story. I would suggest putting the dedications, cast, and playlist at the back of the book. The dedications won't mean anything to new readers, and there are readers like myself who don't want to be "spoiled" by associating the characters with certain actors and actresses. That way, the cast is an option for people who like them, but is more easily avoided for those who don't. 

Also, the playlist. I don't understand the playlist. It has country. I listened to the first one and now I need a therapist. Why. WHY. 

It is worth noting that I hate country music.

In general, I think the music you've chosen throughout the book doesn't suit the tone of the story very well. I understand the Cinderella theme, but the music in the first chapter is too pop-y and upbeat, and the second one is too whimsical and childish (it is from the Cinderella cartoon, after all). Obviously you know your book better than anyone, so feel free to disregard, but it really didn't get me in a "pirate Cinderella high fantasy" mood. It also directly contrasts the formal way the characters talk.

HOOK ✿✿✿❀❀

I like your blurb, very clean and short, and you do a good job of summing up the book's conflict in two sentences. The opening line is a good hook, and then we have just enough information to give us an idea of what the book is about without spoiling anything.

I'm in a unique position with the first chapter because I read it before this version, and I have to say I don't love the edits. I don't know the overall plotline of the whole book so there's probably a reason for them that I just haven't figured out yet, but the new info really drags the first chapter. I love the twist of "beautiful girl at the ball actually enchanted everyone and kills the prince", so with that you have me hooked. However, I feel like the first chapter would be a hundred times better if you trimmed it way down. Paragraphs like this, for example, serve no discernible purpose in furthering the story:

You don't have to have all the world-building in here. You don't have to introduce all the major characters. You don't have to talk about the Viridian traditions of marrying their cousins or break the focus of the chapter to talk about  Nevae or go into Peder's reasons for mistrust. The first chapter should hook us. I liked it a lot more when it was just Ashen showing up to kill Emlen, rather than bogged down with the exposition. Sure, it left questions, but the next chapter answered most of them, and the questions kept me interested.

All in all, good premise, but cluttered with unnecessary information. 

GRAMMAR ✿✿✿✿❀

The grammar is mostly good, but it is definitely in need of an editor. Between Ashen and Emlen, there were 13 uses of the word "smile" in the first chapter alone. Also, there's a lot of dialogue tags; "continued" "replied" "agreed" "stated". Try to trim these down where you can. There's debate on whether you should use "said" a lot or vary it up, but it's generally agreed that you should limit dialogue tags.

In addition to that, there are typos, a few improper verb tenses, and formatting issues. Look out for re-used phrases like "she flashed a smile" or "blood oozing".

PLOT ✿✿✿❀❀

In general, I think your plot is advancing well. First we have Ashen killing Emlen, which she's been dreaming about for years, and then she has to return home and deal with an apparently messed up family/piracy situation. In general, I like it. However, I do have some complaints.

I already discussed my problems with the first chapter. The second chapter, the fight scene between Ashen and Peder seemed unrealistic to me. She was weak from her magic and he was a trained soldier, and yet she beat him without any use of sorcery? Also, he gave up really easily. She didn't have any long-range weapons, so he could have gone after her as soon as he was out of reach of her sword. She just killed his brother, the heir to his kingdom. I would expect more dedication.

Also, the scene where they lure that ship in by throwing Ashen overboard really did not make sense. I mean, they tied her up and dropped her in the ocean, hoping that some random passing ship will be so sympathetic that they'll risk being attacked by pirates to save her? That could go really wrong really fast. I feel like there have to be easier ways to take over that ship.

In general, the plot is doing a good job of keeping me intrigued, but Ashen's victories don't seem fairly won. I think the author is playing favorites.

CHARACTERS ✿✿❀❀❀

I'm torn about Ashen. I like her, but I don't love her, and sometimes the way she's written from an outside perspective is just really obnoxious. It comes off to me like the author is trying to make her into some super tough, cool warrior chick that she isn't. She's overpowered, for one thing, and for another she's constantly smirking and tossing out one-liners about how nobody's a challenge for her. She feels very Maas-esque and subsequently falls into a lot of the personality tropes of typical YA fantasy main characters, because Throne of Glass was a plague and now we've all caught it.

When we're in Ashen's POV, she's much more practical and level-headed, and I like her more. I would suggest dialing back the snark and letting her breathe. She has some strong character traits, but she's being overwhelmed by the cliches.

I do love Peder, even though by chapter three we haven't seen much of him. He's got that stiff-and-kinda-rude-but-honorable vibe going, like Zuko. And I love me some Zuko. I feel like Peder's really going to challenge Ashen and their personalities are going to round each other out. Already shipping it because it's me and I ship everyone.

In terms of the other characters, I can't get into Smiegal (I think that's how you spell his name?) or George. I don't get why they're letting Ashen boss them around, especially when George is her dad and Smiegal is a prince? It once again runs into the trope of teens being in charge when there are capable and knowledgeable adults around. It's hinting that George is maybe not himself because of his wife's death, but I still think he and Smiegal need to start pulling their weight.

ENJOYMENT ✿✿✿❀❀

This book makes me a little sad because I love it so much for what it could be, but it's not quite there yet. I get that there are drafts and the editing process is a thing, so I hope my feedback gives you some helpful pointers when making your edits. I also get the feeling that the changes I didn't like were the result of other peoples' feedback, and I know it's frustrating to get conflicting advice. At the end of the day, it's your story and you know what's best for it. However, I would really like to see some of the cliches dialed back, particularly in regards to Ashen. 

Also, it's worth noting that the prose is kinda on the nose at times. Like, it's just stating something without remembering to be enjoyable to read. I am never one to advocate for purple prose, but a lot of the descriptions just seemed a little plain to me. For example:

And I know this isn't a question of your writing abilities because there were other points in the story where you had great metaphors and more imaginative descriptions. It's just a question of finding these places where it lags and giving it a sprucing up. At the end of the day, though, I enjoyed reading this.

CONCLUSION:

I think you've come up with a brilliant twist on a very classic and done-before story. Aside from your soundtrack, which I will not get into again for the sake of professionalism, it's very polished. You've got a fantastic opening scene, a richly detailed world, and a lot of political conflict brewing. And let's not forget that promising romance wink wink. You just need to trim that dead weight so this story can really shine.

TOTAL SCORE:

18/30