Title: Broken Without You

Author: lovable_kay_

Genre: Teen Fiction

TRIGGER WARNING: This review discusses domestic abuse

PRESENTATION ✿✿✿✿✿

Your cover is nice, aesthetically pleasing, and I think it conveys the mood you're going for. No problems here.

I won't take points away for it but I will say I don't think you need two chapters for your author's note and your blurb chapter. Those could easily be combined.

Also, something I noticed in your author's note that just didn't sit right with me: your thing about silent readers. I understand you're trying to encourage people to be more responsive to your work, but something about the tone of this, and underlining "silent reader" just made it come off as if you were reprimanding people for not voting on your work. The truth is, we're all lucky anyone takes time to read our writing, even if they don't feel like letting us know. It's very possible you didn't mean to come off that way, I know tone is hard with text, so I just recommend editing that a little. 

Other than that, good job for adding trigger warnings. 

HOOK ✿✿❀❀❀

The blurb fails to make me want to read the story. There are a couple of grammar issues (for example, "apart" instead of "a part", these are two different words with different meanings), but mostly it's the writing style that fell flat for me.

This blurb seems to utilize almost every cliche phrase and plot point as half the Teen Fiction books on Wattpad. Literally, it's as if everybody's copy pasting from the "Teen Fiction Story" handbook (did I not get the memo about that?). You've got a good girl with a secret, a bad boy who's not really a bad boy, and nothing that makes me feel like your story is different. 

Even the word choice and phrases, like "average teenage girl", "Meet Carter Price", "motorcycles, leather jackets, player", are things I've seen a thousand times before just scrolling through the teen fiction category. Maybe you don't want to be different, and you're not trying to stand out from the other stories. But I encourage you to break away from the same old same old and do your own thing. Don't pay attention to the trends and what everyone else is writing. Show us what makes your story different from everyone else!

Because of that blurb, I wasn't expecting to like your first chapter, but I actually did. However, the opening is very graphic, and even though you warned about violence I wasn't expecting that kind. Domestic abuse is a very painful subject for a lot of people, and reading about it can have a negative impact on their mental health. I would just recommend being a tad bit more specific in your warning in the first chapter. 

As someone who hasn't experienced abuse I can't comment on the accuracy of the opening, so I'll just leave that alone. It certainly pulls us in and gives us an immediate, emotional connection to your main character. All in all, it's a strong beginning and a good hook.

GRAMMAR ✿✿✿❀❀

Your grammar is decent, but I noticed some problems with odd phrasing and word choice. For example, when Isabella talks about how she's sick of her thoughts waking her up. Thoughts can't really wake you up. You can wake up to your thoughts, and I think that's what you meant to say, but the word choice wasn't very accurately conveying that. Again this is just an example, not a huge deal, but the more it happens the more it adds up.

Also watch out for run-on sentences like in the paragraph below.

Be on the lookout for typos, such as "food is the most important meal of the day" rather than "breakfast". Other than typos and run-ons, I would just advise you to watch out for when you throw in unnecessary information. The school rule about black shoes, for example.

PLOT ✿✿✿✿❀

I'm hesitant to comment on this because, again, I have no experience in this area. From a reader's point of view, however, some aspects of Bella's abuse seem dramatized for the sake of the story. For example, at home she's limping, covered in bruises, and in extreme pain, but in the same chapter she can walk down the street and smile at people and carry on a conversation without wincing. This just read as inconsistent to me, personally. 

Your pacing is basically perfect, you establish Isabella's routine and everyday life and then introduce her to Carter, which is our first plot point. You do a great job of keeping it moving forward but not going so fast that we get lost. You've got a nice build towards Bella and Carter's interactions, and I think readers will be cheering them on.

CHARACTERS ✿✿✿❀❀

I adore Bella. She's really the best thing about this whole story. She's so sweet and tries so hard to be positive in spite of all the bad things in her life. She immediately drew me in and held me for all three chapters. 

My only criticism about her is how often her stepfather and abuse is brought up, particularly in the first chapter but also in the second. I understand this is a huge element of her life, but I would advise you to not let it define her. She's so lovely and deserves to be more than "the girl with the abusive stepfather".

Carter, on the other hand. 

I hate Carter almost as much as I love Bella. And not hate as in passionately, venomously despise, but hate as in "you're a cliche and a jerk, get out of this book". I only read for the first three chapters so maybe he gets better later, but his introduction is so... so stereotypical and cheesy and annoying. 

Why does he say everything like he's performing on a theater stage, playing the part of "angry man with tragic past"? I think you're trying too hard to make him the stereotypical bad boy, and you really don't need to. Cut down on the grumbling and the bitterness. For that first chapter, you could just use his impatience and dismissive attitude towards Bella to establish that he's not the nicest dude. Dial it down, and let him be an actual character rather than a cliche.

Let the record reflect that all three of the points here are Bella's, and Carter has earned none. Bella deserves five but she also deserves a better future boyfriend, so. 

ENJOYMENT ✿✿✿❀❀

This is a cute story, despite the heavier elements of it. My advice is this: If Bella's abuse is an important element of her character, the plot, and the themes of the book, keep it. If it's just something that's supposed to fit the "tragic secret" slot and garner sympathy, find something else to accomplish that. 

CONCLUSION:

Bella is precious and I will take a bat to anyone and everyone who tries to hurt her. Or grumbles bitterly in her direction.

TOTAL SCORE:

20/30