C H A P T E R  T W E N T Y - O N E

☆☆☆

Two weeks had passed since that initial meeting with my mom and I'd seen her for two consecutive weekends. For each hour that we spent together, the initial awkwardness and fear began to melt away and we were ourselves with each other. 

Last week she'd brought her blender with her and with just one bat of her long lashes, my dad had relinquished his debit card and she and I had spent half of the afternoon at Fruit and Veg, buying every single fruit that we wanted under the sun, along with milk and plain yoghurt. 

We spent the other half experimenting with different smoothie flavours back at home. My dad had complained that we were finishing his hard earned money, but he was secretly pleased with how well the smoothies tasted and how well my mother and I were getting along.

The past few weeks had seen a change in Anna and I's relationship. She'd made a real and significant commitment to being a part of my life and being someone I could count on. It was almost like when we'd first gotten close but not quite. 

There were many moments where I just felt like I couldn't breathe because there were flowers in my chest and my heart would do this weird flutter thing that made me feel warm inside.

Anna had video called me after my mother had left that first Saturday and she'd stayed on the phone with me until I fell asleep. I hadn't been the same since.

Something about the way she'd listened with avid interest while I told her everything about out encounter, despite how late in the night it was and how tired she'd looked with her messy hair and eyes crinkled from fatigue. 

She'd shared in my joy and had reassured me in my insecurity. And when I'd fallen asleep first, she'd taken a screenshot and I'd woken up to the sweetest 'good night' text.

All of it made my heart race at a kilometre a minute and I was unable to think straight for a while, nor could I keep the smile off of my face.

This weekend Anna had asked me on an ice-cream date and I was quite excited about it. It would be the first time I'd see Anna since the last time she'd been at my house to look after me. It was a bit astonishing to me that an entire month had gone by since then, although it had flown by with all that had been happening in my life.

I'd take a taxi to Menlyn. I was supposed to meet her at 13:00 and by 10:30 I was in the shower. I tried to calm my nerves when it came to choosing an outfit.

I didn't want it to seem like I was trying too hard but I also didn't want to make it seem like I'd thrown on the first thing I'd found my closet. 

It was the first day of October so Pretoria was full of endless blue skies and sunshine filled days. I finally settled for black shorts and a tropical off the shoulder top with white and olive green blocked platforms. I'd fashioned my hair into a meticulous fishtail braid.

My dad was out at the store when I left so I sent him a text saying I was at Manda's and caught the taxi. Fifteen minutes later I was walking to the food court, clutching at the straps of my faux leather handbag, searching for Anna.

I found her sitting at a table near Anat. I saw her before she saw me and I got an opportunity to see her outift: a dark pink button up, white high waist jeans and black heels.

Her hair was teased into gentle waves that fell down her shoulders. She must've felt like she was being watched because she turned around and smiled when she saw it was me.

We shared a brief hug. She smelled like vanilla and cinnamon and in her heels, she towered over me a bit more than usual and it felt as though I was being sheltered by a large fortress of strength.

"Hey, you look nice," she said.

"Thank you," I said, burning under the intensity of her reflective browns.

"So listen, the shop I wanted us to visit has moved, would it be okay if we go to another ice cream shop outside of Menlyn?"

"Outside, where?" I asked.

"Mall of Africa."

Something in my chest burned. Midrand wasn't exactly around the corner and the idea of going on a drive in Anna's car with her was thrilling, if not slightly terrifying. 

I'd rode in her car millions of times before, but something about it felt different. My skin was prickly with nerves and I could only manage to nod and utter a small, "yes that's okay."

Anna didn't look so convinced.

"Are you sure? Because if you aren't comfortable with that we could go to Starbucks at Menlyn Maine, anything works for me."

"No, we planned on ice-cream so let's go get ice-cream. Plus, I haven't gotten a chance to explore Mall of Africa anyway," I replied.

Anna smiled.

"Okay, let's go."

×

The ice-cream parlour Anna took me to ended up being better than the one we'd gone to in Hatfield earlier in the year and it was honestly the best ice-cream I'd tasted in a while. Anna bought me three separate cones and I'd downed them as they came, enjoying the easy and fun banter between the two of us.

We had been so caught up in the ice-cream and the fun conversation that we didn't hear the heavy rain that had started. 

Anna hadn't parked her car in undercover parking so it was suffice to say we were soaked when we finally made it inside of her car after the mad dash from the entrance. Anna started the car and switched the heater on to aid with the drying process, but to be honest, I didn't mind.

"This rain is going to make traffic a nightmare, I'm going to be late," Anna said.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Well, after I drop you off at your house I'm going home. It's Noah's fourteenth birthday dinner tonight."

"You're dropping me off? Oh I thought I'd just take a taxi..."

"I'm not letting you take a taxi in this rain, also, it really isn't a bother," she said, looking straight into my eyes.

"Okay,have fun at the party," I said.

"I will. How soon will you be seeing your mom again?"

"She's coming to see us in another two weeks, I think. Right before exams start."

"That's great news. I really am so happy for you."

The sparkle in her brown eyes was as tender as it was genuine and I knew she meant it.

"Thank you," I said.

We sat in silence for a few minutes while the heater dried us off and the rain continued to plummet.

"You look well, Paiten. Happier," Anna said, the corners of her mouth tilted into a little smile.

"I am," I replied, "I'm at a place where things are coming together. My life is ar from perfect but it's not so empty anymore," I said.

I didn't feel weird about being so candid with my emotions with her. She of all people knew how hard this year alone had been for me but since September, everything had started to feel new, like the old order of things had passed away. I didn't feel so lost anymore now that I had my mom.

I'd made peace with the situation with Amanda even though it still hurt a little, I was no longer plagued with guilt because I no longer thought that what had happened in Durban was a result of the perversion of my sexuality. I hadn't preyed on Amanda, I hadn't forced myself onto her.

My only fault was going for so many years without telling her how I truly felt but the sex itself had been a choice we'd both made. Anna had helped me discover that.

Maybe Manda had really meant it when she said she just needed space or maybe she would never be able to handle the reality of what we'd done.

I had Anna back in my life and she was amazing to me. Sometimes I got scared that this would all be a front and one day she'd get tired of me and return to icing me out but one look from her intense honey brown eyes reassured me. She knew how to speak to me without using words.

The next song on Jacaranda FM came on and it was Bruce Springsteen's Secret Garden. It was an old song but I'd listened to it plenty of times with my dad and it was one of my all time favourites.

"You look happy too," I said.

"I wouldn't say I'm happy but I am more at peace with my life," Anna replied.

"Why aren't you happy?" I asked.

She looked out of the window as the lyrics of the song continued playing.

She'll let you into her car/ To go drivin around/ She'll let you into the parts of herself.

"Happiness is fleeting. I was happy with your father. We aren't together anymore."

"Are you happy with me? Right now? Did... did today make you happy?" I asked, suddenly unable to quench the desire to ask her the questions that had been burning in my mind for the longest time.

"Yes," Anna replied, but her smile was sad, "you have no idea what it means to me that you're here even after everything that-"

I wanted to know why she stopped herself short. She looked away from me again, sensing I could see the conflict in her eyes.

"Tonight I'm going to go home to an empty apartment and the loneliness will be back."

I grabbed her hand then and squeezed our palms together. Anna just watched me with knowing eyes, her lips pursed into a frown of sorts.

"I feel it too, Anna," I replied.

The rain continued to pummel against the roof of the car and it was so heavy I couldn't see out of the wind shield.

There was something in the atmosphere, it was wrapped around us, bringing us together by the friction in our clothes.

Anna's hand wrapped around mine and I felt it travel through the air to her lips where she placed the softest of kisses on my knuckles and I melted.

There was no other way that this narrative could've ended than for her to gather me into her arms like she'd done that very first night she'd made me feel like I was no longer alone.
The night tears had stained my cheeks because I'd just told her my biggest secret.

Her arms held me securely, like she knew how fragile my heart still was, how scary all of these emotions she made me feel were. It's like she was telling me, through her arms that she would never, ever let me go again.

Her lips were soft and familiar yet I gasped at the new sensations that flooded me. I held on to her with both arms and my back arched into her because I wanted to be as close to her as possible. I wanted her scent to be the only thing I was breathing in.

She'll lead you down a path/ There'll be tenderness in the air/ She'll let you come just far enough/So you know she's really there

When we finally pulled away, she was smiling and I felt safe.

On the next Monday, I was walking to my locker during break time. I needed to change a few of my books and I walked with purpose in that busy corridor.

I came to a stop in front of the drab metal container that was my locker. In my peripheral vision I saw Amanda at her locker, two doors down.

I finished what I was doing and when I closed my locker to leave, she was standing just in front of me.

"Hi Paiten," she said. She rocked nervously on one foot and smiled at me cautiously.

"Hey Manda."

"You good?" she asked.

I nodded, "you?"

"Yeah," she replied and fiddled with her bag strap, "I'll uh, see you around," she mumbled and hurried away. It was the first conversation we'd had since those texts I'd gotten in the beginning of third term.

It was only for a few seconds and Amanda had been so nervous she looked like she was close to having a panic attack, but it meant something to me.