C H A P T E R  S I X T E E N

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Mature Content
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Anna and I regressed into being strangers, something she decided she was most comfortable with. She wouldn't spare me a second glance whenever she came over and spoke to me only when she needed to.

I'd spend the last two weeks of the month of May trying to sort through my feelings. I tried to tell myself that I didn't care that Anna had gone back to icing me out.

I tried to convince myself that I wasn't confused and hurt with how she cut me out of her life like I'd meant nothing.

It would especially hurt when I thought of all the times she'd looked at me with those deep brown eyes of hers like she could see straight into my soul and the sweet smile she'd reserved for me.

The tears I shed when I was finally in my own solitude after a long day were a testament that my denial tactics weren't successful.

Amanda and I grew closer. It was a feat I'd never thought to be possible but I found the space in my heart for her deepening.

My attention had been stolen by Anna since she'd first kissed me and I'd began to feel the slight drift between my best friend and I but now it was gone.

I was sure Amanda was meant to be in my life until the day I died. She was the only person I could rely on when I felt like the world was against me.

It was the last week of May and we'd already started with our first mid-year exams for the year.

It was only LO and now that the useless subject was out of the way, we had more time to focus on the more serious subjects, like Life Sciences which I felt was kicking my ass.

I was over at Amanda's house on a Saturday. She was trying to tutor me in the damned subject because she'd managed to keep an above-seventy average.

We were on a break at the moment, the TV was on Cartoon Network. Manda and I were watching  The Amazing World of Gumball, a show we'd always considered to be an elixir after a brutal study session.

My head was still spinning with all of the information and I wasn't sure if I'd understood everything that I needed to but my best friend had done her best.

Her head was perched in my lap and her entire body was sprawled through the rest of the couch. We kept a bowl of cashew nuts on the coffee table and two glasses of Oros juice, just like old times.

"Do you think you'll be ready for Life Sciences next week?" Manda asked with her eyes glued to the TV. Her hair was loose, splayed against my bony thighs like a woolly blanket.

"I still feel like it's going to fucking take me out but I'm going to do my best. It just sucks that this is the year that matters the most when it comes to university applications and shit."

"Yeah, it is, but the November exams are the ones we need to worry the most about, not so much these ones. In the end they'll only count twenty-five percent."

"Yeah but what if I tank the November exams and I need the twenty-five percent boost and it doesn't pull through?"

"Aw babe, you say this like you don't have an above-sixty average. Life Sciences and Math Lit may be a pain right now but you are staying afloat. There's no need to work yourself up over this."

I sighed, "you're right."

Manda pressed her hand into my thigh and gently squeezed as a show of comfort.

Her touch felt familiar and safe and it still sent tingles down my spine. I wondered if she'd ever lose the affect she had on me.

A few beats of silence passed while we watched the show.

"I won the bet," Manda said.

"Huh?"

Manda remained in her position, her eyes fixed to the TV screen.

Without missing a beat she said, "remember in grade eight that one time we had a bet about who'd have sex first? I won."

I felt all of the air rush out of my lungs.

"When did this happen?"

Manda smirked, "last night."

"Holy shit."

There were many thoughts blitzing through my mind in that moment, the first being that Manda had given her virginity to Darren.

That alone made my spine curve with distaste – the idea of this boy being with my friend like that.

The other dominant thought was that I wanted to tell Manda that she hadn't won because I'd lost my virginity an entire week before her. But I couldn't.

My tongue burned with the truth that sat right on its tip, begging to be let out.

"How did it happen?" I asked and took a portion of her hair and started playing with it. Manda turned from her side to lie on her back.

"I was at his house, we were watching the game. His team won so he was very happy and well, yeah. It sort of just happened."

"How romantic," I cooed.

Manda rolled her eyes.

"Did it hurt?"

"A little but it wasn't so bad."
"Did you cum?"

"I think so?" Manda said.

"Honey, I feel like you'd have positively known if you'd came."

"I don't know dude. It felt good but there wasn't a defining moment when I felt like 'shit this is it' It was my first time, maybe I'll cum the next time."

"Did you enjoy it?"

Manda pursed her lips and blinked – her ridiculously long, perfect lashes fluttered against her perfect cheekbones:

"I am finally glad that I got it out of the way, I was tired of being a damn virgin and I'm glad it was with someone I cared about and not some one night stand or something like that."

Manda's skin forehead was littered with a tiny rash – it was barely perceivable.

She hated it but it was one of the few things that I found endearing.

It felt good to know that someone as put together as her had imperfections too.

I watched her as she spoke and although she hadn't said it, I felt her disappointment.

He hadn't met her expectations, or rather the sex hadn't been everything she'd wanted.

We'd spent many nights talking about this occasion and we were both sorely disappointed – although for very different reasons.

An unbearable amount of pain seared through my chest and it was thick with grief.

I grieved for our innocence, I felt the loss of our girlhoods slip right by our fingers and I felt the pain of what it was like to lose her in this way.

I wished – for a moment that we could go back in time, to the day we'd made the stupid bet in grade 8 and rather promised ourselves that we'd hold on to our fading childlike wonder of the world.

Because there was nothing magical about the world now that we'd grown up.

Manda had given herself up to guy who barely deserved her and I to a woman who barely acknowledged my presence.

May bled into June and my mid-year exams came and went. It was the 23rd of June when I wrote my last exam and was afforded the opportunity to rest for the rest of winter break.

I felt relieved to be done with those exams as they'd been very stressful but I'd managed to pull through.

I went home straight after my exam ended at 12:00, a good three hours before I usually made it home during the normal school term. The house was empty and I welcomed the solitude.

After I'd bundled up in my room, I snuggled under my blankets and napped for the better part of the afternoon.

Math Paper 2 had been my last exam and I'd gotten little sleep the night before as I'd prepared for it.

I crashed into consciousness when I heard my dad call for me.

I got out of bed and and wore the hoodie I'd discarded when I'd gotten under the sheets.

I found Dad and Anna in the kitchen with the table already set.

He'd ordered Chinese take out from Kung Fu Kitchen and my favourite meal was already set in place for me – beef chow mein and dumplings.

I greeted them both and my father responded with his usual heart-warming hey Princess and Anna gave me a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes and rather impersonal hello Paiten.

Every time Anna and I had our brief encounters, a small part of me hoped that she'd talk to me like I was her person again.

Even though she'd shown me time and time again that she had no desire to engage with me I still held on. It made me feel stupid but I couldn't help it.

"How was your last paper?" My dad asked.

"It could've gone better," I replied. I was grateful for the fact that I could be candid with my dad about my academics.

He knew how I struggled with Mathematics and had no unrealistic expectations of my performance.

A lot of South African children couldn't relate on that and it was rather unfortunate.

I wish parents would start to understand their children from and where they were at at their academics. Pure Math and Physics and Accounting weren't made for everyone.

"I'm sure you did your best," he replied with a kind smile.

I nodded, "I was up all night."

"Let's hope for the best, yes?"

"Yes," I said.

"I'm sure you're glad you've gotten that out of the way."

"You have no idea. Now I have three uninterrupted weeks of rest. It's bliss," I said with a smile.

"Speaking about that, I have something for you," my dad said and took out his phone, something he never did at the dinner table.

He passed his Samsung S6 Edge to me and I peered down at a picture of a beach house. It was situated on higher ground and the ocean was in the background.

"This is pretty," I said in passing.

"You think so?" he asked.

"Yes," I said with a nod, "it's nice and close to the ocean. Is it one of your work projects?"

"No, it's the holiday house we're going to be staying at in two weeks."

"Wait, what?" I said.

"You heard me right," my dad said with a smile, "I just finalised the booking. You worked really hard on your exams and I think you deserve a nice break. We'll be in Margate for five days and I've already spoken to Noma and she'd on board with everything. Manda will come along too."

"Oh my god," I said and my dad gave me a pointed look – remnants of his strong NG Kerk upbringing sprinkled through.

As unconcerned with the devoted practice of Christianity, he still found it utterly improper to 'say the Lord's name in vain'"

"Sorry," I said, although I wasn't, not really.

I looked at the picture and then at him and then stood up from my seat so I could walk over to him and hug him tight.

I sat in his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck like I'd done so often as a child.

"Thank you so much, this is the best news ever."

"I'm glad," my dad said and rubbed his hand over the small of my back. It was familiar and comforting, reminiscent of my childhood days when I used to find every opportunity to remain cuddled up to him.

"It will be a fun girl's trip for you and Amanda, Anna and I will try not to cramp up your style."

My heart deflated a little. Anna would be there.

It would've been nice to enjoy an entire week of sun, waves and chilling with my best friend without the added stress of having an entire human ignore my existence.

I tried to not let the dejection show in my face.

"I surely hope you won't," I replied and leaned in to kiss my dad on his cheek.

We arrived in Margate a little after 13:00 by plane.

Our house, like the picture had stipulated was only a few meters away from the beach, a strip of tarred road was all that separated the row of houses from the serene-looking sea.

Although it was freezing cold back in Pretoria, it was deliciously warm in Durban.

I didn't think that Durban even experienced cold weather at all and it was a welcome relief to be able to wear shorts and to feel the sun kissing my skin once more.

Summer was definitely my favourite season and the cold always made me feel so dreary inside.

The first week of our winter break had been spent with me inside of the house, bundled in blankets and drinking hot chocolate.

I could already feel the knot of stress that had taken residence in my shoulders and back begin to dissipate as we walked the short distance from the driveway to the front door.

The house was a single storey with an open plan kitchen and living room.

There were two bedrooms and the one Manda and I had chosen faced the beach and from our windows we could see the sea lulling against the shore in gentle, unhurried waves.

There was only one double bed in the room, decorated in light lavender bedding and matching curtains.

"This place is so pretty," Manda said as she discarded her bag on the floor, took off her shoes and jumped onto the bed.

I was far more meticulous with my doings – I first opened my bag and reached for the first pair of cotton shorts I could find and placed my back against the wall.

After taking my shoes off I went to the en-suite bathroom and changed out of my tights and into the shorts then only did I walk back into the bedroom and settled on the bed.

"We've been friends for eight years and you're still so delicate around me. I won't bite you, you whore."

"How full of yourself must you be to assume everything I do revolves around you? I just don't like undressing in front of people, dumbass."

"Oh but baby, if it's not about me who could it be about?"

"You're so conceited."

"I am Amanda Ncube in case you forgot."

"How can I when you remind me every five seconds?" I replied just as Manda decided to roll on top of me. I let out a cry of surprise as I felt the air rush out of my lungs.

She was on the other side of my body in seconds, taunting me with a playful look in her eyes.

In seconds, we engaged in a playful rough-and-tumble on the bed, rolling over each other and attempting to tickle each others' sides.

The door opened as Manda had me pinned to the bed with her fingers to my sides and when I saw Anna's head-full of dark blonde hair I felt my cheeks burn.

"We're heading to the beach in twenty minutes," she said and disappeared as quickly as she'd arrived.

It was the first time she'd addressed me directly in a very long time. Manda got off of me and I sat up and ran a hand through my hair.

"Are you going to swim?" Manda asked and I nodded, "you?"

"Yeah," she replied.

We got off of the bed and wandered to our respective bags to get our swimming costumes.

"Hey Paiten," Manda said as she fished into her bag for her bikini.

"Yes?"

"Are you and Anna okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't know, that interaction was a bit weird."

I shrugged, "I didn't think much of it."

I hoped that Manda would let it go and not ask any further questions.

The beach was wasn't as full as I'd feared it would be. Few clusters of people milled about but I didn't have to worry about any over-population.

We set up our beach chairs and umbrellas and soon after, Manda and I headed straight for the water.

Manda wore a navy blue bikini that contrasted magnificently with her skin. Her hair was loose and once it was wet, it slinked down her back in a mass of tight curls.

I don't think I'd ever get over how beautiful Manda was, especially in moments like these where she looked like a celestial creature under the African sun. Her skin glistened with salt water and a lovely smile plastered over her face.

We played in the waves until the salt water began to feel uncomfortable against our pores.

Manda gave me a piggback ride back to our chairs and we collapsed into our seats with relieved sighs.

My dad and Anna were playing in the water as well, being every bit of a disgusting adult couple.

Anna wore plain red full-body suit. I forced my eyes not to linger on the image of the two of them together.

"wow, I can actually feel the dirt in the pores of my legs sizzling away," Manda said and squeezed a bit of sun screen onto her legs.

"Mhmm, me too," I replied.

I reached over for the cooler box and pulled out an unopened can of Coke. After I'd taken a few sips Manda said, "Pait, do you mind putting sun screen on my back?"

"Nope of course not," I replied. Manda turned to lie on her stomach and I settled onto the backs of her thighs and got to work.

Manda's back was smooth and warm, if not a little ashy against my touch and soon as I was done, I got off of her and sat in between her legs as she lathered my back with the pasty substance.

For a while, I imagined what it would be like to feel her hands trailing down to my lower back and to feel her lip against my neck as she --
"I'm craving an ice-cream," Manda said.

"I was sure I saw a stall not far from here," I replied.

"Cool, let's go."

It was a little past 18:00 when we finally left the beach. After Manda and I had had ice-cream, we went back into the ocean once more and played around.

My dad gave us money to buy two boerewors rolls and chips from one of the nearby stalls for lunch.

It was still bright out when we left, a perk of being in the coast. Back in Pretoria, the sun would've already set by this time even in summer.

We headed back to the beach house to change out of our beach attire so we could go out for dinner.

We didn't have enough time to have a full on shower, so Manda and I got into the shower together in our swim suits and shampooed our hair.

I was astonished at the pile of sand that landed up on the tiled shower floors after we were completely done.

I couldn't believe both Manda and I had been able to harbour such large amounts of sand in our hair. Soon after, we changed into our clothing.

I settled for the shorts I'd worn when we'd first arrived a few hours back and Manda wore jeans and a deep red crop top.

We went to Spur and I ate ribs to my heart's content while Anna had nachos with guacamole. The adults indulged into some wine while Manda and I had our favourite Spur milkshakes :  Bar One and Vanilla.

After a hearty dinner, we headed back to the beach house and Manda and I lounged in the living room. My dad and Anna stayed in their bedroom. 

The vacation had been everything I'd needed it to be, relaxing, fun and exciting.

We'd gone hiking, visited uShaka Marine World, visited the aquarium and my dad had even let Manda and I go to a party at night.

It had been hosted on the beach and we'd enjoyed a bonfire night with braai meat, ciders and good music.

By the last evening, I felt a bit sad about having to leave the little haven I'd found here.

It had been amazing to have my friend beside me the entire time. Our bond had definitely strengthened along with my ever-increasing feelings for her.

At this point I could not remember a time in my life where I didn't love Manda.

I'd already been in awe of her when I'd moved to the English medium school in grade three and was in the same register class as her.

She was the girl that had the prettiest lunch box and the nicest hair and neatest uniform. She was smart and  the teacher had liked her the most.

She was beautiful, fierce creature who could stand up to bullies. I'd regarded her with an intimidated nature back then.

Only when I got close enough for her to let her in did my intimidation melt away because I got to see the real person inside.

Manda was sensitive and soft-hearted and she cried and had fears just like me. She was as human as I was and that made me love her more. 

By the time grade 6 came around she was the girl who had the nicest body and the nicest hair – she was the kindest and most receptive person I'd ever encountered.

All the boys had crushes on her and all the girls wanted to be her friend. She was an It-Girl and yet, despite it all, she'd never left me.

She trusted me with her heart and no one else. There had been girls who'd tried to break us apart and it had never worked. She loved me it was the greatest gift in the world.

In a mass of hundreds of other students who could've easily taken the role of their best friend, she'd chosen me – over and over again.

She always chose me. I had no idea when these feelings had started but by grade 8, the thought of her would make my cheeks pink and little butterflies flutter in my stomach. 

Sometimes I believed they might've perhaps always been there and only got stronger the more I knew her.

She could never know any of this though.

I'd done a good job of concealing those feelings but tonight, Manda looked sad. She looked so downcast and it was in a way I'd never seen before.

It was late, close to midnight perhaps and only the bed side lamp was on. My dad had left without Anna and I had no idea on where he'd gone.

It was none of my concern though, I was more focused on my heavy-hearted friend.

"What's wrong, Manda?" I asked.

We'd been laying in silence for a long time and the energy had shifted from our usual easy camaraderie to something far more sombre.

"I think Darren and I are going to break up," she said.

Her voice was a mere murmur and I saw the way her thick eyebrows furrowed.

"What would make you think that?"

"He's been so distant ever since we had sex," she replied, "he started taking centuries to text me back and he hasn't even called me since I came to Durban. This is coming from a boy who couldn't get enough of me. And then last night I got a message from some unknown number and girl, just look at this," she said and handed her phone over to me.

It was open on a WhatsApp text conversation between her and an unsaved number:

+27 60 12 34 56 78 : hey. is this amanda?

Amanda: yes it is.

+27 60 12 34 56 78: nyc to meet u. im rlly sorry to bother u. my name is mikayla

Amanda: how can i help you?

+27 60 12 34 56 78: r u dating darren?

Amanda: yes i am.

+27 60 12 34 56 78: hw long hv u guys been togetha?

Amanda: 6 months

+27 60 12 34 56 78: ok

Amanda: why are you asking?

+27 60 12 34 56 78: look idk u and i dont hv a problem wit u bt i think u should kno that darren and i hv been dating for 4 months. idk if u already knew dat but i didn't kno about u until recently.

Amanda: what the fuck?

+27 60 12 34 56 78: i saw ur nudes on his phone when we were together two days ago... i didnt even ask him about it bc u kno how men lie and get touched over they own shit. i got ur number frm his phone when he wasn't looking. like i said i wanted to let u kno. i just dont think cheating is right...

Amanda: how do i not know that you're not lying?

+27 60 12 34 56 78: img_xyz

+27 60 12 34 56 78: img_wa0_20160403

+27 60 12 34 56 78: img_334434

+27 60 12 34 56 78: these r the pics we have togetha ... i cn show u more but i think u see it.

Amanda had left the girl on read and only later today and she replied.

The girl had sent four very intimate pictures of her and Darren.

Two were from a normal camera, she was on his lap and kissing his cheek in one and in the other, he had his arms wrapped around her waist as they took a mirror selfie.

The snaps which had dates on them – one on the 13th of April 2016 and the other on the 5th of May 2016 showed the both were of the pair kissing.

The Mikayla girl was pretty, with long silky hair and light skin.

Amanda: it looks like we're in the same boat. thank you for telling me Mikayla. you didn't have to but you did anyway.

+27 60 12 34 56 78: no prblem.

Amanda: can i ask where you come from?

+27 60 12 34 56 78: Eesterust.

Amanda: oh okay. thanks.

+27 60 12 34 56 78: pleasure

I put the phone down as soon as I'd read the last message.

Manda's frown had deepened and the sorrow that dwelled in her eyes was absolutely unfathomable.

"I feel so stupid Paiten. Not only did he have someone else on the side but he high tailed as soon as he got what he wanted from me. I thought that what we'd shared was special..."

"Hey listen," I said and sat up and prompted my best friend to do the same.

"This is not your fault. You had no idea he'd do this to you. He seemed so genuine and honest."

"And I fell for it. He's been with this girl a month less than he's been with me, that means that he decided, after four weeks of dating that I wasn't enough for him and he had to seek elsewhere. I gave myself over to him. I let him in. I let him touch me."

Her voice rose with each sentence, her pain morphing into a venomous rage. I'd never seen her like that before.

"Hey, hey, stop that now. Stop that. I won't listen to you degrade yourself like this. He's the asshole who didn't know what stood before him. None of this is your fault. You said so yourself that it was  he who went to look elsewhere within the first month. You did your best, this is not on you."

Amanda took a deep breath.

"I thought he loved me."

"Now you know he doesn't even know what love is, he probably can't even fathom it in his pea brain because love does not betray like that. If he had any idea of how amazing of a woman you are, he wouldn't have played himself like that. It's his loss. Not yours, you'll find someone who'll truly treasure you and treat you the way you deserve."

"It just sucks that I'd waited this long to commit to someone and they turned out to be a disappointment."

"Yeah but now you're no longer tied down by some mediocre fuckboy anyway."

"I always knew you didn't like Darren," Manda said with a half-smile.

"I didn't think he was good enough for you, but you really seemed to like him so," I said with a shrug.

"You say that about every boy who's ever shown interest towards me."

"Well that's because none of them are good enough for you."

"What? Are you trying to snatch me up all for yourself?"

Amanda's tone was teasing and for a moment, the pain in her eyes dissipated.

"Maybe."

Amanda paused.

I'd intended to let it come off as a joke but my tone gave it away.

The room went silent and Amanda licked her lips.

My eyes followed the movement. She smirked again, "so you think that you're good enough for me?"

the energy had shifted once more. Her words were jerky and she gazed at me with wide, curious eyes.

"I don't think that there's anyone on this planet who loves you the way that I do."

I could no longer stomach to veil my words as platonic affection, not when I felt my heart bursting out of my chest like in that moment.

It felt so liberating to say these words because I meant them with my entire being.

A nervous smile wobbled onto her lips, "you have been there for me every time I needed you," she said.

"Yeah and I'll be here for you now, too," I said.

My hand went to her thigh which was barely covered by her pyjama shorts. Manda looked down at the hand that rested on her leg and looked back up at me.

I saw the cogs turning in her head and before I could ask her what she was thinking or more appropriately, apologise for making things weird I saw her lean closer to me.

I tilted my head and felt fireworks go off from within when our lips touched. I cupped her cheeks and felt my eyes flutter closed when the kiss deepened.

No words were exchanged when her hands came for my shirt and she tugged it upwards and off and in a few minutes we were both half naked and breathless from our kisses.

It was everything I'd dreamed of for as long as I could remember.

Manda's lips were enthusiastic against mine, drinking deep from the well of my mouth and I couldn't suppress the tiny moan that escaped from my lips as the kiss became deeper and deeper.

Her warm, soft skin settled on top of mine and I sighed against her. My hand trailed down her freshly-shaved legs and stopped at her thigh.

"Manda, can I touch you?"

"Yes," she replied, although her voice was shaky.

My hands came into contact with her underwear and I ran my fingers up and down her the fabric, pressing directly against her.

Her eyes fluttered closed and she sighed out her pleasure. I shifted my position to sit in between her legs.

My fingers hooked into her waistband and I pulled the cotton undergament down her legs. She laid there with her eyes closed.

When I touched Manda that night, something overcame me.

My hands were nimble and curious and I curled my fingers as deep into her as I could, peppering her chest with chaste kisses and enclosing one of her rounded nipples into my mouth and Amanda...

Amanda moaned my name like it was a song. I was almost embarrassed at how loud she was but I derived so much pleasure from seeing her so undone because of me.

She was moaning my name in such an unabashed manner and it was all I'd dreamed of for years.

She came twice from my hands alone and once more when I couldn't stifle the need to taste her – while she'd had her thighs wrapped tightly around my head and swore to God more times than I could count.

When it was all over, I'd laid beside her and she'd kissed me once more until her eyes fluttered shut and she immediately fell asleep.

I had no idea what was going through her mind at that moment as she we hadn't uttered a word to each other since the time I'd asked for permission to touch her.

I didn't know what this meant and the romantic inside of me went wild with hopes for the future. Maybe the idea of us being together could be a reality.

I finally decided to stop overthinking and settled behind her.

I looped my arms around her waist to spoon her, thinking that she was already asleep and was pleasantly surprised when her hands wrapped around mine and she pulled me closer.

I was in extreme bliss.

A U T H O R  N O T E

Glossary

NG Kerk - [Afrikaans] Dutch Reformed Church

I have a v v serious question guys... who do y'all ship more with Paiten?

Anna? Or Amanda?

drop a * for Anna and a + for Amanda or a ^ if you can't decide in the comments!