P A R T  IV

MIDRAND, 2020
*

Anna came home earlier than her girlfriend that evening. She’d stopped by a grocery store for a few essentials. One of them included a small boquet of baby orange roses – they were Paiten’s favourite.

She heard the jangle of keys an hour and a half later and despite all of the breathing excercises she engaged in, her heartrate spiked. She turned her head a little to catch the first glimpse of her girlfriend.

Paiten must’ve been in another world, or Anna’s breaths may have been as quiet as death because the younger girl didn’t see her.

She leaned her forehead against the door and realeased the most defeated sigh Anna had ever heard. She straightened turned and only then did she her blonde-haired girlfriend, watching her with sad, intense eyes.

“Hi,” Paiten said – almost shy.

“Hey,” Anna replied. Then, “come sit by me.”

Paiten nodded and walked over to their couch set and plonked down delicately next to her girlfriend. The air between them crackled with the tension of unspoken words, of guilt, of sadness.

“Paiten, I want to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me.”

Paiten turned to look into the mystical brown eyes she’d grown to love so much in the past four years. They were clouded with so many heavy things, no doubt they mirrored her own.

“Always,” she replied.

“Did something happen between you and Amanda last night?”

Paiten couldn’t help the incredulous look that creeped over her face as she scoffed. Anna had to have been joking, surely.

But a few minutes passed and her girlfriend was still giving her that tortued look and she realised that Anna meant what she had asked. There was no accusation in her eyes, just sadness and what was that? Resignation. Paiten felt something in her chest collapse. This was not a fight, she realised, but a surrender.

“No,” she replied softly, honestly. She slid her hands across the seat to reach for Anna’s. They felt cool in her palm. She was nervous.

“I would never do that to you, Anna.”

“I’m sorry,” Anna huffed, “I just – when I came in this morning and I saw you two togther in our bed - ”

“She’s my best friend.”

“But you two have history.”

“Yeah we had sex the one time and she ignored me for five months afterwards.”

The bite in Paiten’s tone felt like a physical attack and Anna felt the goosebumps rising on her own skin.

“I’m sorry, this isn’t how I should’ve approached this topic. It’s just I fucked up big time last night, okay? I should’ve been there for you but I wasn’t and she was, she always is.”

“What’re you saying to me?” Paiten asked.

“I don’t know. I just – I wonder if you don’t ever regret not choosing her instead of being with me.”

Paiten shook her head, “Amanda isn’t even the problem between us.”

“But she’s a factor. Paiten, the way she looks at you, the way she talks about you…”

Paiten stood up then, “come to me when you’re ready to fix what’s going on between us.”

“Paiten wait, wait,” Anna said, reaching for her hand. The younger let her guide her back to the couch beside her.

“Did you know that I couldn’t even go to all of my lectures today? I went to the first one and spent the rest of the day at the park trying to make sense of my thoughts on the session I had with Dr Lombard. I couldn’t stop crying,” Paiten said defeated.

“What happened in that session, baby?”

Paiten closed her eyes tight, “she was telling me about how I’ve harboured anger at all of you because of the things that happened in 2016. She says I haven’t dealt with the pain.”

“How do you feel about that statement?”

“I was mad at her when she told me that, I didn’t want to believe her... but I think she’s right,”  Paiten replied. She sounded so sad, so defeated and Anna felt a loathing within her rise until it bubbled in her throat.

“Paiten, are you happy with me?”

“I love you,” she replied as the first tear coursed down her cheek.

“You didn’t answer the question.”
“I haven’t felt happy since Mozambique.”

“That’s what I feared,” Anna replied with a ruefull smile. “I’ve put you through so much these past couple of years.”

“No, we have just been going through a lot as a couple, because we face things together.”

“How many of ‘our’ issues are stimulated by my shit?”

“Don’t put it like that, Anna, that’s morbid.”

“You’re so young,” Anna whispered “and so burdened. I want you to be happy. I’m so tired of hurting you.”

Paiten started crying, then, “why does it feel like you’re giving up on us?”

“I’m not. I’m being realistic. Paiten, I love you, so much more than you could ever imagine and it’s because I love you that I want you to be happy. I don’t know if that can be with me anymore. I want to be selfish and hold on to you for all of eternity but I don’t want you to wake up one day, full of resentment for me, it woud kill me.”

Paiten’s lip trembled as Anna leaned close to her – forehead to forehead as she cupped her neck to hold her close. Paiten’s lip trembled with a sob as the reality crashed into her. This was the closest she’d felt to Anna in a year perhaps and that broke her heart even more. She opened her tear-blurred eyes to see a silvery trail on Anna’s face too.

They sat like that for a while, crying silently together, mourning who they once were all those years ago and the loss that settled between them like a blanket of deep snow.

Paiten attatched her trembling lips to Anna’s and closed her eyes. She tasted the salt of her pain. Her girlfriend kissed her back with an urgency that transcended all language. Their breaths quickened as they kissed as though it was the end of the world. Anna’s tongue slipped into her mouth and Paiten gladly let her, sinking into the couch as Anna mounted her. They squeezed their bodies together and kissed as though they’d magically melt into one another and become one being.

They parted only for air and were back at it again, with a desperation that could fuel a battle ship. Paiten’s fingers came for Anna’s blouse and she nearly ripped it open – a lone button popping off the item and landing on the floor. The shirt fell to the floor as Anna latched her lips onto Paiten’s neck – kissing, sucking, biting with abandon – without a single care in the world for the marks that would be left behind.

Paiten moaned and dug her nails into Anna’s back, dragging them down from top to bottom as her bite became more aggressive. She felt Anna’s impatient tug at her golf shirt and she raised her arms long enough for the older woman to whisk it off of her.

The fire continued to burn and Anna felt her breath catch in her throat when Paiten stood up and half-carried half-dragged her to the bedroom. She was still wearing her charcoal grey skirtsuit and work heels as Paiten lowered her onto the bed and fiddled for her bra and the hairtie.

Her long, shiny curtain of hair came loose after Paiten had pulled at all of the pins she could find. Anna reached for the string of old pantyhose Paiten used for her hair and pulled it off so that her mane of curls were freed. The setting sun shone on their bare chests and danced on their lips as they kissed again and again. It had been a lifetime since the passion had stirred so intensely for the both of them.

Paiten tugged her skirt and panties off simultenously and when Anna tried to kick her heels off, Paiten whispered, “keep them on.” 

This awakened something within Anna deep and primal and she flipped their bodies so that it was Paiten on the bed, sitting with her legs wide open with Anna between them, on her knees with her expensive leather heels still on her feet.

They made eye contact as Anna bit the flesh of her thighs and when her tongue teased a freshly shaved vulva, Paiten instinctively laid on her back. With her eyes closed, she focused on the sensation of slick, warm tongue tracing gentle patterns on clit and the top of her hood.

Anna teased her girlfriend until her cheeks were slick with her fluids and when she finally dove in, Paiten let out a cry. Her hands came to tangle with the silk on her head as Anna reached deep and stroked hard, eventually pulling her tongue out from inside of her and dipping her fingers inside of her instead while her mouth sucked on an eager hood.

Paiten’s grip on Anna’s hair became tighter pulling her deeper into herself. Anna moaned at the pained-pleasure the action bought her and she continued.

She held Paiten down for what seemed like hours, not letting up even when she had orgasmed and her clear fluids sloshed down her neck and her legs shook and she was absolutely overstimulated and in need of a break.

They stopped only because Paiten began to feel lightheaded and was afraid she’d pass out if Anna continued on in this fashion with her. But after a few gulps of fresh water out of the jug they kept on the nightstand, Anna was ready to get back to work.

They wrestled over the bed for the rest of the early evening, the room filled with moans, whines, cries and screams. They paused for a second time, shoulder to shoulder on Paiten’s side of the bed. They were both sweaty slick with fluids on their cheeks and hands, covered in bites and scratches.

Paiten could feel the place on her buttocks where Anna’s heel had left imprints after she’d pressed them there when it had been Paiten’s turn to be on top.

Paiten looked down into her hands and all she could smell, all she could feel was Anna. She started to cry, her lips parted as silent sobs shook her shoulders.

“Come here,” Anna crooned and pulled her into her naked embrace. Paiten felt her lips on her brow and she turned her face to look up at her.

Like a switch that had been flipped she reached up for Anna tilting her chin downwards to press their lips together, hard. She turned Anna on her back and finally discarded those silly shoes and touched the body she knew more intimately than her own.

They made love. Paiten was tender and gentle, slow and deep and even as they neared bliss it was sweeter. It was an unspoken agreement that they would enjoy each other’s bodies all night and would deal with reality tomorrow.

They tried so hard to make time still but finally, the sun began to peek in through the windows and they watched it rise together.

“It’s still 05:00,” Anna said, “there’s time for you to get some rest. I’m going to get ready for work.”

Anna placed a kiss on Paiten’s shoulder while the younger girl sat still and stiff, trying not to fall apart for the fourth time in forty-eight hours. When Anna left the bedroom, she felt so cold all of a sudden that her teeth began to chatter and her hands shook.

She bundled up into her warmest pyjamas and tied her hair up and trudged into the kitchen to make Anna her lunch. They both moved with a deliberate slowness that morning – milking out the seconds for all they were worth –  because Paiten knew that the moment Anna walked through that door, it was over.

Half an hour later Anna emerged from the bedroom dressed in a navy blue pantsuit and her hair was done in the same professional low bun, makeup minimal, eyes sad. Paiten passed her lunch bag to her with and Anna smiled sadly.

“I love you, Anna,” Paiten said.

“I love you more than words could ever say.”

“Enjoy work… be safe.”

“Take care, Paiten,” she said and delivered one last, small kiss to her awaiting lips.

* * *

Ntombi Hearth loved Friday afternoons. It was the only day she could leave the hotel early and spend time with her two favourite boys. By the time she got home, Rob would’ve already fetched their son from creche and she’d help him with his evening bath and feed.

They’d curl in front of the TV until the toddler fell asleep, then it would be time to bring the pinot noir out, put some 90s love jams on the stereo and talk and laugh like young adults in love. Ntombi would never take the life she was so graciously given for advantage and it was crazy to think that a mere five years ago, she couldn’t conceptualise that she would ever be worthy of life like this.

But her psychologist had her hard at work with forgiving herself and learning to ground herself. It was not all dream and she was worthy of the best that life had yet to offer her: a loving husband, a robust baby boy, an independent empathetic adult daughter.

Her life was picturesque and as she heard a car rumbling near the front gate, she cracked open a lone blind to see Paiten’s car coming to park. An unannounced visit fromt her eldest was rare but always welcome.

She walked to the front door and opened it and waited for her daughter. The image of her child that stood before her though, was nothing  picturesque. An ashen face, eyes leaking with an unending stream of tears and her soon-to-be twenty-one year old trembling.

“Paiten?”

She shook her head vehemetly, unable to form any words. She settled for the next best thing which was to collapse into her mother’s arms and sobbing.

“W-w-we b-broke up,” she whimpered.

“Oh,” Ntombi said, astonished, wrapping her arms tighter around her daughter.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered and urged her inside.

Her husband appeared in the hallway entrance and his brows creased in concern. He closed the door after his daughter and wrapped his strong arms around the both of them for a few moments. He patted Ntombi’s arm – a non verbal communication:  I’ll be closeby if you need me and made himself scarce.

This was the first time, Ntombi realised, that Paiten had chosen her as her first source of comfort. Not Robert who’d had a twenty year headstart. And it made something inside of her chest tug.

* * *

That Saturday was the first time Amanda had seen Paiten smile in weeks. Her cousin, Xolani was the one who elicted that gorgeous upturn of her rid lips, with her teeth that had always looked like a baby’s. They were at another one of the Ncube family braais, hosted at MaNcube’s house – cousins, aunts and uncles – like they did every year. They were more frequent since Makhulu had passed on, in a bid for the family to remain close.

It was a sunny late May afternoon, a few days before the commencement of exam season and this was a good opportunity for both girls to relax. It was nice to be away from everything she had come to know in the past month: the monotony of school, making the trek to The University of Johannesburg from home – which was much longer and more tedious – and the reality of no longer being Anna’s girlfriend.

So far, it came with a lot of drunk crying sessions at home, binging The Notebook over and over again, imagining situations where Anna would come back to her.
Anna, so far, had kept her distance and Paiten hated her for it, even though she knew it was the right thing.

What was she to do? Leave her thirty missed calls every night? Beg her to come back over and over? Stalk her? Anna would never. Even if she realised that letting go of Paiten was a horrible mistake, she’d rather suffer in silence and bear her misey alone.

And Paiten? Paiten wasn’t sure if she was more miserable without Anna than she had been with. It was all a confusing, muddled mess. Because weirdly enough, all of her relationships with her loved ones were getting better.

Now that she was home again, she was beginning to build a bond with a brother and her love came with less resentment and disdain. She and her mother had had a few talks about everything already, especially on Friday afternoons out on the adult swingset her father had built. There were a lot of apologies, a lot of crying and laughing too.

She and Manda spent a lot of afternoons in Rosebank and surrounding areas whenever they weren’t studying now that they were both single.  And it confused her because she was supposed to be completely desolate and sad and with no will to live.

She kept her thoughts of Anna to herself and Dr Lombard because she just didn’t want to talk to her parents or Amanda about her relationship, even though she was sure they would’ve liked to be in the loop. Her psychologist was the only person who wasn’t shocked by the split and she was the only one, in Paiten’s opinion that had an objective view of everything.

On all accounts she was doing well but that wasn’t to say she didn’t miss Anna. Sometimes a song would come on or she’d catch a glimpse of a blonde haired woman in a red sweater on campus and her mind would spin. How was she supposed to get overa four year bond with someone who’d helped her grow in so many ways?

Anna was adamant on giving each other space to process the breakup. She was the one who’d enforced the boundary on them not chatting or keeping up with each other on social media. But that wasn’t to say she didn’t stalk her Facebook or Instagram sometimes, or screenshot a quote she saw that reminded her of something related to that woman.

The only serious conversation they’d had after Paiten had chosen to move back home and her father had gone to fetch the rest of her clothes  – because Anna was willing to let her keep the apartment and still pay the rent – was the division of the plants.

Anna wanted her to have all eleven of the greens she had so lovingly raised but Paiten couldn’t have them all. In the end, Anna had had eight of the eleven plants couriered to her, along with the colourful decorative ornaments she’d collected for their home. That had been the final nail in the coffin and she knew then, that it was over for real.

When the braai ended, Paiten and Amanda got into Paiten’s car. Amanda needed to meet up with the guy that was delivering a baggie of weed she’d bought and they wanted to smoke it away from the house. None of their parents knew they did drugs and it was best they didn’t find out.

They drove to Fairie Glen in relative silence, humming along to the songs on the playlist Paiten had curated for drives. Forty five minues later, Amanda was in the backseat with her weed crusher in hand, doing her magic. Paiten wasn’t a stoner but she and Anna had indulged in marijuana from time to time but they’d preferred their supply baked into something.

Twenty minutes later, the girls were hotboxing and Paiten kept the engine running for the music to contine playing the music. Being high always loosened their guards so it was no surprise when Amanda said, “I want to be there for you, but I don’t even know how. You aren’t even talking about it and I think it’s weird.”

Paiten shrugged, “I don’t need you to be there for me in that way.”

“But are you okay? Like I was so shocked when you told me she broke up with you like that! I thought I’d have to talk you down a bridge or something but you’re cool as a cucumber, Bitch, what gives? I don’t know if I should give you space or hug you or if you’re in one of your weird moods where you don’t talk about stuff and it has to be forced out of you.”

Paiten giggled which turned into full blown laughter. The marijuana was firing up her lungs and the smoke in the car made her feel heady. Amanda eventually succumbed and they both gave into the laughter.

“I love you, you crackhead. And I promise, I’m fine. I’m Gucci. Like the belt. Or that green dress Blue Ivy wore once, or was it Beyonce?”

“You’re the crackhead, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Manda,” Paiten said sliding her hand into her best friend’s palm, “you’re doing a phenomenal job of being my best friend through this time. This, where you spend time with me, get me high, let me spend time with your family, go on study dates with me? It’s all helping. You’re phenomenal. Stop worrying about me yeah?”

“I can’t not worry about you. I’ve had to be your body guard since we were eight.”

“I’m a big girl now,” Paiten said with a smile. “But hey, if the offer to talk me down from a bridge is still available, let me know. I think my degree is giving me strong existential vibes.”

“Death by politics,” Amanda said wryly.

“Yeah, something like that,” Paiten said with a nod.

Amanda looked over at Paiten and realised that there had never been a moment where she loved her more. She wanted to lean over and kiss her or something but it wasn’t appropriate.

She could take her chances and blame it on the high but even she knew it wouldn’t be enough. So she pushed all of her feelings down and tried to calm her heartrate. Paiten still had her hand wrapped around her own. She wanted her to hold on, just a little longer.