P A R T III
CENTURION, 2020
*

Doctor Lombard had dyed her hair brown. It was a great transformation from the platinum blonde Paiten had grown accustomed to. Paiten liked to play a game for the bi-monthly visits she made to that office: she would note all of the changes of the room mentally. On her first week, she realised that the office was situated a mere four blocks away from Ouma Hester's in Irene. Last week, the yellow vase filled with fake flowers had a crack in it. The week before, there was a coffee stain on the monochrome coloured carpet and the week before that, a 2018 Encycopedia volume was added to her bookshelf that was adjacent to the couch she occupied.

Paiten wasn't particularly fond of Dr Lombard because the woman unnerved her but her father seemed to think that she was a perfect fit for a therapist. With all that had been going on lately, she couldn't afford to be at odds end with her parents for the sake of her own sanity.

By that Thursday, the 16th of April 2020 - Paiten was on her six session with the psychologist. She drove to Centurion straight from campus after her last lecture for the day at 13:00 every week.

Their first session had been with both of her parents because her father was hellbent on resolving The Elephant In The Room. They sat down with that strange white woman and her despicable notepad, fountain pen and understanding smile for the next fifty minutes. Her father had done most of the speaking and her mother was a close second. Paiten had sat between her parents, stiff and silent - and spoke only when she was asked a question. All of this happened while Manda baby sat Gabriel and Anna was off visiting Noah and Katherine.

Dr Lombard insisted that she wanted more sessions with Paiten because she believed it would help all of them as family. Her mother already had a therapist of her own - a black man named Dr Mhlanga; his practice was in Faerie Glen. Her father had had a few sessions with him too for his pre-marital counselling. It was suffice to believe that her parents believed in the power of therapy. Paiten hated that they were pushing this on her now but she'd learned to tolerate it. Over time, she begrudgingly began to trust the psychologist and she'd told her all she could about her life over a combined two-hundred-fifty minute time span. And now, in their three-hundreth minute, Dr Lombard said something that seemed to knock Paiten off of her axis.

"Paiten, I think you need to consider that all of the problems you're having have one root problem, and that is you haven't forgiven any of your loved ones for what happened in 2016 and earlier events."

Paiten's eyes had widened in disbelief.

"Why do you say that?"

"Your mother abandoned you before your first birthday without a trace. She never tried to reach out to you while you were growing up until you were seventeen years old. She missed out on so much and you're still so angry..."

"No you're wrong. I forgave her the moment I saw her and she made me understand. She didn't do it on purpose; she had a hard childhood and her parents were so shitty to her and nobody loved her until she met my dad. She has PTSD from the rape, she had postpartum depression, she was suicidal and an alcoholic. That's a lot to deal with, how could I be mad at her for that?"

"Paiten, you can acknowledge that someone's actions were not from a place a malice, while also accepting that it hurt you the same. But it's not just her you're mad at. You're mad at your father - because he sat idly while his family ripped you to pieces."

"I - he didn't know," Paiten was whispering then, tears streaking her cheeks in rivulets, though she wasn't aware of them. All she could hear was the blood pumping in her ears and the beat of her own heart.

"And Amanda.... Your only sin was loving her and she punnished you for it after the incident in Durban, even though you both consented."

"We spoke about that at length. At the time she was just overwhelmed by her feelings and over time she was able to realise that she was bisexual."

"But it hurts all the same that she's now this free, liberated bisexual woman whose loud and proud and out there... yet she never apologised to you for making you feel ashamed of your sexuality."

Paiten was sobbing but Dr Lombard continued on, "And Anna.."

"No Doctor," Paiten said through a sob as if she couldn't physically bear the news any longer. "I love her," she said.

"She was the first person to break your walls and onced she'd gained your trust she turned her back on you like what you'd shared in those candelstine weeks in 2016 was nothing."

"That's in the past. We've been through worse."

"But that lays at the foundation of your relationship. Paiten, I want you to realise the common thread with everything I've mentioned and that is, you have never given yourself room to be angry at your loved ones. You accepted their apologies and moved on without dealing with all of the wounds their actions caused you. At the end of the day anger is masked sadness."

Paiten's sobs filled the room as they became uncontrollable. Dr Lombard slid a box of tissues over to her and Paiten accepted them graciously. Every time she tried to stop crying, her breaths became more laboured and her cries grew louder. Memories of a time she thought were long buried began to bubble to the surface and she felt their crushing weight all at once... the disappointment, the pain, the astonishment, the sadness, the loneliness, the rage.

She bowed her head while her shoulders, gulping for air in between her cries while Dr Lombard watched in silent sympathy.

"You're crying because it still hurts and you need to honour that pain, that's the only way you as the individual can move forward. Because your issues didn't begin once your parents were married or Noah's accident, Amanda's coming out or Gabriel's birth. All these events were revealing underlying issues that had been dormant since 2016 and they're forcing you to deal with your unresolved issues." She paused, "and even Gabriel.... You don't hate that child. You love him more than anything, he's your little brother, an innocent little child, yes?"

Paiten nodded.

"But you resent what he represents. Gabriel has both parents and will never know the agonising pain of rejection from his father's family. He has everything you needed as a child for free and it feels unjust. It is unjust."

Paiten nodded, putting her head in her hands. The tears soaked her denim-clad lap.

"You're not a terrible person for feeling that way. What's important is that you know how to name the problem so that your relationship with your only biological sibling doesn't suffer when he's older."

*

Paiten's hands were shaking on her way home from Centurion. She knew that Dr Lombard was 100% accurate but the reality was taking its time to sink in. All she wanted in that moment was comfort - she'd deal with her emotions tomorrow.

Anna would be home an hour after she finally made it to Midrand. They could cuddle in front of the TV and binge One Day At A Time, her favourite sitcom and they could bond over hot chocolate and sweet kisses. It had been a while since they'd spent quality time like that now that Paiten's academic year was in full swing and she was in her third year of Political Sciences. She called Anna over the Bluetooth speakers in her car and her call went unanswered.

When she got to their complex, Paiten parked her car and before she could get out and get into the apartment, her phone dinged with a message from her best friend.

Manda🖤: How did your session go?

Paitee💞✨: rough... i have no words...

Manda🖤: You home?

Paitee💞✨: yeah, just parked the car.

Manda🖤: Are you with your girlfriend?

Paitee💞✨: no.

Manda🖤: I'm coming over, yeah?

Paitee💞✨: no need to do that. Anna will probably be home soon.

Manda🖤: Still, you need me. I'll be there in 45.

Paitee💞✨: how?

Manda🖤: Gautrain. Come pick me up at the Midrand station?

Paitee💞✨: i can't believe you're doing this.

Manda🖤: Well believe it, angel. Now will you pick me up at the station or am I taking a taxi to your place?

Paitee💞✨: wouldn't do that to you. see you at the sation.

Manda🖤: ily

Paitee💞✨: ❤️

*

The Gautrain Midrand station was buzzling with the after-work slew of people. It was 17:00. Paiten did the math and realised that her best friend had taken the first train from Park Station directly after her last class. She still had her school bag on her which meant that she hadn't even stopped by her dorm room in Braamfontein.

She stood out in the crowd because of her bright blonde hair and the black lipstick and eccentric clothes: an all black ensamble of a leather jacket, a long, sweeping skirt and Doc Martens and a spiky choker.

Besides, Manda had always been an exceptional beauty and as the years wore on, she only grew more mesmirising. It still surprised Paiten after thirteen years of friendship because sometimes it felt as though she was seeing her for the first time.

Manda found her at the exit point of the station. She walked to her with her arms open and held her in a tight embrace without words.

"You poor baby, I can see it all over your face."

"Manda, you're going to make me cry in public."

"I'm sorry. We should go."

They took the escalator to the drop off parking where they got into Paiten's car and drove away.

"Is it okay if we don't go home?" Paiten asked.

"We can do whatever you like."

"I just want some air," Paiten replied.

Paiten drove to a neighbourhood a few blocks away and parked her car on top of a hill surrounded by an alcove of trees and a grassy area. It was almost a park. The two girls leaned against the hood of her Audi. The sun had long since set and in its place, the sky had a blue-grey tinge as stars started to emerge for the night.

Manda watched her friend and felt her chest ache at the look of complete desolation on her face. She looked so forlorn and terrifyingly weak that Manda was at a loss as to how to comfort her.

"How did your date with Asanda go, or did you have to postpone it since you came here?" Paiten asked instead.

Manda shrugged and hugged her black leather jacket closer to her.

"My Applied Maths lecture got cancelled so we had a coffee date earlier in the day. It was nice."

"You like her?"

"She's sweet. I can see myself going on future dates with her."

"Girlfriend material?"

"Aw, you know I don't do relationships."

"One day you'll get tired of being a hoe and you'll finally give one of these nice, deserving girls a chance."

"Maybe," Manda shrugged. Paiten had never understood it. After Manda had come out to her as bisexual in their first year she'd dated a girl for a mere four months and since then she'd been 'vibing.' Paiten found it to be incredibly empty.

"Surely there's more to life than first dates and talking stages? Don't you want to get to the part where you start to look like each other, share Netflix passwords, get a puppy together or something? It's the best part," Paiten said.

"It's not like that for everyone. Everything you just mentioned? It filled me with so much anxiety."

"Maybe you're just afraid. But when you meet the one, it will feel like a walk in the park."

"I'm starting to think the one is a myth created by hopeless romantics. It can't be that easy."

Paiten giggled and Manda felt something inside of her warm up, glad she could change her disposition even for a moment.

"I rest my case," Paiten said, raising her hands up in surrender. She looked tender under the silvery light, with her hair billowing in the slow breeze.

"Falling in love is the easy part, staying in it is what's hard."

"Do you think it's worth it?" Manda asked.
Paiten was quiet for a very long time.

"It has to be, or else it was all in vain."

***

Anna's phone had been on 7% when she got the WhatsApp voice call.

"Are you done for the day?"

"No, I have an hour before knock off, why?"

"Well, I'm in arrivals. I'm hungry and I want to have lunch with my best friend."

"Get out of here, Georgina! What're you doing here?"

"I'm visiting for a few days, so I am I going to see you, or what?"

"Yes, give me fifteen minutes, where should I meet you?"

"Is Sandton City okay?"

"Hundred percent," Anna replied. She had already begun to shut her laptop down. She'd make up for the missed hour later in the week.

Georgina and Anna spent a few hours in a small bistro, catching up on everything since they'd last seen each other in person over a year ago. She came alone, leavinng her husband and daughter in Australia. Anna was completely relaxed, downing mimosas like water. It had been a stressful day at work, hell - a stressful week. Ever since she had been promoted to Senior Accountant, going to the office felt like a sacrificial death. When there weren't reports, clients, seniors and juniours clamouring for her time - there was her mother, Noah and Paiten.

It felt good to breathe for a little while. Her phone died and Georgie used an Android, so she'd left it in her blazer pocket. The hours passed and 20:00 the bar had a kareokee night and Georgina convinced them to stay for a few songs. The place became alive with patrons and the alcohol flowed. Georgina paid for their ciders and wines and later, they took to the stage and sang their favourite song from their teens - Britney's Hit Me Baby One More Time.

Before she knew it, she was drunk and screaming the lyrics to popular songs, dancing and laughing like she was seventeen again. It was 00:00 when they checked the time again.

"I'm going to be a dragon tomorrow," Anna replied.

"Let's get to bed, it is late."

"Where are you sleeping?"

"The Gautrain Hotel."

"Oh okay let me drive you there and get myself home," Anna slurred.

"Babe, you are way too sloshed to drive. Stay with me. It'll be like our old sleepovers."

"We are two women about to hit their thirties sharing a bed," Anna said and giggled but ultimately gave in. They left her car in the undercover parking at the mall and took an Uber to the hotel nearby.

***

Paiten had opened an old bottle of wine that had been lying around the house for her and Manda to share. They bundled up in blankets, watched a few episodes of Teen Titans Go on Netflix.

Manda saw that Paiten was sleepy - evidently tired from her long, emotional day.

"Go to bed," Manda said.

"Sleep with me," Paiten mumbled.

"What about Anna?"

"I couldn't care less for Anna right now. She's been ignoring me all day. She'll sleep on the floor or the couch or the guest bedroom or in hell."

"Paiten-"
"Shhh," Paiten said, as though Manda was shouting. She rubbed her temples and stood up.

"It's been a shitty day. I don't want to sleep alone. I just want some cuddles and forget that today ever happened. As my best friend, can you do that for me?"

Manda softened.

"Okay, let's get you to bed."

*

The apartment door opened at 06:00 and Anna stumbled in. She'd driven home the moment she'd woken up. She knew Paiten would have means to be upset with her but she was certain that after she explained what had happened - that she hadn't meant to forget her phone charger at home or to have gotten so roaring drunk with Georgie, she'd have come home.

When she opened the bedroom door, she found Paiten in their bed with her best friend. Both of them were serene, dead like logs and clinging to one another like little children.

Anna walked over to her side of the bed and got her charger, a change of clothes and a towel. She took her time in the shower, letting the hangover take care of itself. She dresssed in the guest room and when she emerged, Amanda was in the sitting room.

"Oh hey, Anna."

"Hi, Amanda. Is Paiten still asleep?"

"Uhh, yeah, she is. Did you just come in?"

"Took a shower," Anna replied with a nod.

Manda looked stiff and uncomfortable and Anna wondered why. The bedroom door opened and Paiten padded out. She stopped when she saw Anna. Her eyes hardened and she scowled.

"Let me drive you to the station. You have a 09:00?"
"Yes I do."

"Cool, let me put on some pants and we can go."

"Paiten -"

Anna was cut off when the door was shut in her face. Paiten emerged five minutes later in sweatpants and an old hoodie with her car keys in hand.

"Manda, let's go," she said without saying a word to her girlfriend.

*

When Paiten returned, Anna was pacing in the kitchen. After her phone had powered on, and she'd gotten all of Paiten's texts and miss calls it was suffice to say she felt like a grade A asshole.

"Baby, I'm sorry, I can explain everything."

"Just forget it," Paiten said without a single hint of acrimony on her tone. She just sounded sad and disappointed.

"Baby, I was with Georgie. My phone died and we drank, I was too drunk to drive home but had I known how difficult of an afternoon you had with Dr Lombard - I'd have come straight home. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

"Anna, it's fine. Listen, I'm going to go shower and when I come out I'll make your lunch, you'll go to work and I'll go to school and we'll pretend like last night never happened. Deal?"

"Paiten, I don't want us to handle this this way-"

"Anna, I'm begging you - please drop it."

Anna sighed, "Okay."

"Thank you," Paiten said. She crossed the room and spared a light, detached kiss on her cheek before disappearing into the bathroom.