I ALWAYS KNEW

in which Paiten Hearth realises that there's no one else she'd rather be with than Anna Carson.

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Timeline •  May 2020 (One month after the breakup from "if i could fly - PART IV)

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PRETORIA, 2020

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There was a cold chill in the air that Saturday morning. Paiten Hearth had heard the wind howling a forlorn tune outside her window as she wrapped her cardigan tighter around herself.

Perhaps it was the sweet loneliness of browned leaves swaying without any direction, or dew drops dissolving in cold, indifferent air that pushed her outside. She wasn’t surprised to find her mother swaying on the porch swing, bundled up in warm clothing and nursing a cup of coffee. This had become their new ritual -- mother and daughter out in the garden, unburdening themselves of the loads that made their relationship acidic.

As glad as Paiten had been for her mother’s return back in 2016, their bond had not grown overnight. There were still questions that needed answers and resentments that needed to be laid to rest. The first time they’d ever sat out in the garden together was the day after Paiten had come home in hysterics after she and Anna had broken up.

“Do you want to talk about it?” her mother had asked her.

She’d heard her anguished cries from her bedroom all night long, after everyone had retired to bed. Paiten had shaken her head no and replied, “But I have something else I want to talk about.”

“What is it?”

“Did you ever entertain the idea of taking me with you when you left?”

And without warning, both mother and daughter’s eyes pricked with warm tears. Paiten’s tear ducts had been swollen and coloured black from her long night, and the onset of fresh tears physically hurt.

“Yes,” came her strangled reply, “I regretted leaving you. But I just knew that if I had taken you with me, I would’ve destroyed you.”

She’d heard versions of this answer before and on an objective level, she understood her mother’s point of view. But her grief knew nothing of objectivity. It still pulled the nerves in her belly into a taught knot, and filled her throat with bitterness.

“I want to forgive you,” Paiten replied, “But I am so angry at you. I never had any of it… I just spent my entire childhood drifting all on my own wondering why my own mother didn’t want me I -”

And somehow, there was enough grace to accommodate them both as the daughter cried from anger and the mother from guilt and they embraced one another. From then on, Saturdays became an opportunity for healing.

*
“Good morning,” Ntombi said.

“Morning,” she replied and sat down next to her.

Ntombi didn’t need to comment on the bags she saw under Paiten’s eyes, because she’d heard her crying in her room again last night. She and her husband had decided to practise self-restraint by respecting Paiten’s privacy enough to allow her to process her emotions her own way. It didn’t mean that her motherly instincts didn’t sucker punch her everytime she heard her child crying so bitterly and felt the urge to barge into her room and hold her tight in her arms.

Paiten had watched The Notebook again with an embarrassing amount of wine beside her the night before, and as always, it had triggered her and made her cry for Anna.

“I have a question for you,”  Paiten began.

“Yes?”

“What made you choose Dad again after all those years had passed?”

“It’s simple, I loved him.”

“Weren’t you afraid that you would no longer fit the same way you did?”

“Truthfully, when I laid eyes on your father again in 2016, I felt this warmth spread through my entire body. It just felt right to be looking at him. ”

She knew the story of their chance reunion, of how her mother had just started working as the General Manager at the Protea Marriott Durban, where her father always stayed for his work trips. She was fresh from the  Pietermaritzburg branch and had been at the reception in conversation with the receptionist, when she caught his eye in the lobby. Paiten learned much later that the night her parents saw each other again was the night she and Anna had had their first kiss.

“But how did you know for sure, Mommy, that it was meant to be? How did you reconcile yourself with the fact that you had separate lives and that he was with someone?”

“I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone before,”  her mother said.

“I’ve loved your father since the day I met him. When he went out of his way to find me after my shift at Nandos and offered to drive me home… I was so angry, so angry at him because he was this stranger but he was the first person in a long time that showed genuine concern for me. I already loved him when he bought me those flowers that I ripped apart and stomped them. He made everything inside of me so weak with need and it was a foreign feeling because it meant that I no longer had control. My loss of control is what made me fight him off for so long.” She was smiling as she recalled those memories. “So when I saw him again, everything within me surrendered. I knew then that he was my soulmate and that if God had brought us together again after all of that time, that we were going to stay together forever.”

Paiten smiled at her mother and felt her insides warming at the look in her mother’s eyes.

“Do you think Anna and I were too hasty to end things? Should we have fought harder to stay together?”

Ntombi smiled sadly at her daughter, kissed the top of her head. Her reply was whispered tenderly, lovingly:

“Only you know what your heart wants. You know deep down what the answer is. You might be afraid of the reality right now, but you know.”

And Paiten nodded, with dry eyes because she knew her mother  was right.

Then that afternoon, a courier delivery came through for Paiten.

It was eight of the eleven plants she’d nurtured in her shared apartment with Anna. They came in a wooden box, with no note or letter or explanation. There was something very loving about the very act of returning the plants she had poured herself into, with all of their vibrant green leaves. But they also signified the tragedy of the death of her relationship.

But with every death, there is rebirth, every winter gives way to spring and earthly bodies ascend as angels. And it was this clarity that Paiten awoke with the next morning, loaded her plants in the boot of her car and drove to Midrand. She trailed up those familiar stairs and knocked on the front door.

Anna was still in her robe and slippers when she opened the door.

“Hey, Paiten,”  she said, and sounded breathless.

“Hi Anna,” she replied.

“You’re bringing back the plants?”

“No.  I am putting them where they belong.”

Anna looked confused and sad as she looked at her ex-girlfriend. Paiten could see from her bloodshot eyes that she hadn’t slept the night before. She took a deep breath before she pushed the sole of her converse shoe into the threshold of the door.

“I’ve also come to where I belong, and that’s here with you, Anna.”

“Paiten-”

“You know, you’re one crazy woman, Anna. Did you think you could get rid of me that easily?”

“Oh, Paiten,” Anna whispered and a lone tear trailed down her face. She never cried openly like this.

“So, are you going to let me in, so I can put these plants in their rightful place?”

“I’m not good for you anymore,” she replied.

“That’s not for you to decide for me,” Paiten replied, and even she was surprised by her own firmness. She placed the plants on the floor and cupped Anna’s face. Her chin was soft and warm in her hands, her cheeks wet and scarred with stress-induced acne. She had never looked more beautiful in Paiten's eyes.

“In which universe does love walk away when things are hard? I love you, you silly girl. I love you as much as I hate myself for giving in so easily, for leaving when I should have stayed, for entertaining your silly chats about these plants and the division of the things that make this space our home.”

“It’s not that simple,” Anna replied. She could tell that she was fighting tears and Paiten almost felt bad for overwhelming her with so many emotions so early in the day. It was just past 09:00 and on a normal day, they’d be having their breakfast.

“Here’s what’s simple, Anna Carson. I belong to you and you belong to me. The rest will follow.”

Anna’s silence pierced the space between them. Paiten continued undeterred because as she and her mother had conversed the day before, she realised that they shared one thing in common and that was the way they loved. She remembered the feeling she’d had the first time she met Anna at that restaurant all those years ago. She had been too young and too inexperienced in the languages of love to recognise the experience for what it was: a complete surrender.

“Let me in, Anna,” she said, pressing her forehead against hers so that they were breathing in the same air. She watched as her favourite brown eyes filled with tears and watched as the flowed down her face in intense, thin rivulets that were as quick and light as November rain.

She knew that Anna understood what she was asking of her, she knew that it was more than walking through the door of the apartment, but through the door of her soul too. There were many things that had banished Paiten from the innermost part of her -- her family, her job, her pride, her guilt. Anna needed only to remain open, like a flower searching for the warmth of the sun and Paiten’s love would lead her to where she needed to be.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, choking on her tears.“I’m sorry for doing this to us, I’m so sorry.”

“I love you so much,” Paiten replied, “And I accept you as you are. It’s okay.”

At that, the dam burst and Anna began to sob openly, bringing her hands to wrap around Paiten’s shirt and leaning her entire body weight on her small frame and trembling with the force of her anguish.

Paiten stroked her hair with one hand, and held her to her body with the other. It felt good to be needed like this; to have her strength exchanged for her weakness, her grace in exchange for her guilt. She remembered all the times Anna had picked her up off the floor of her depression and her pain, her pillar of strength in all of the difficulties she’d faced with her family and Amanda.

She remembered her last session with Dr Lombard. The same woman who had helped her highlight all of the problematic aspects of her relationship had told her, “There is always hope, and hope makes a lot of things possible. Some relationships don’t deserve second chances, but most of them do. That’s the nature of us humans, we love and need second chances.”

Paiten waited until Anna stopped trembling.

“Are you going to let me in?”

She delighted in the snot-filled laugh that came out of her.

And then,

“I would very much like for you to come in.”

***

On Christmas day that year, the Hearth’s had a three-person event, with the tree and the matching sweaters and the cheesy family photo. Paiten’s Christmas pictures has come in on iMessage the day before, due to the time difference. In them, she and Anna were smiling with the backdrop of Melbourne in the background.

Georgina had invited them for Christmas that year, partly to bond, but also to help the couple with apartment hunting. Their big move was scheduled for February.  Anna had secured a new job at a local  accounting firm -- thanks to Georgina -- and had happily handed in her resignation at her job in South Africa.

Paiten, having just completing her degree and obtaining a BA in PoliSci Cum Laude, would live in Australia with her too, never wanting to be apart from her again. She had decided to take a gap year while she settled into her new life.  Noah would be living with them too while he received some critical out-patient care. They planned to return to South Africa right after Christmas in time for New Years, before emigrating for good at the end of the month.

Amanda had accompanied Paiten and Anna to the airport on the day they’d left. She’d waited until Anna had gone off to buy some overpriced airport snacks before she spoke to her best friend.

“I’m happy for you, you know?”

Paiten nodded, “I know.”

“You and Anna are so perfect together. I’m so happy you worked things out, so happy that you’re taking this step together. You deserve this happinesss, you do.”

“And you deserve the happiness that your new girlfriend, Asanda, gives you.”

Amanda smiled crookedly, trying to hide the fact that she was blushing. She hadn’t thought that she and Asanda would get serious when they first met, but they’d been dating for six months by that December.

“Thanks.”

There was an awkward pause, filled with the things left unsaid.

Amanda was happy for Paiten, and happier that she had decided against the urge to confess her feelings for her back when she and Anna had been broken up. It was too late for them anyways. She’d known this since 2016 when she’d turned away from Paiten after they’d had sex, instead of running towards her. And now their fates were sealed. She knew that marriage was the next step for her best friend, followed by a bouncing baby, and a life separate from hers.

She knew that they would be friends forever, but that the time to grow separately had come.

Anna returned with a plastic bag full of Tomblerone chocolates. She assumed her place beside Paiten and kissed the top of her head.

“Travel safe you two and bring back presents,” Amanda said. She hugged them both and took a step back.

“I should go.”

“Bye Amanda,” Paiten said in a way that revealed that she too, knew that things would never be the same. But the world glimmered with new possibilities.

“Bye, Paiten.”

*

THE END

AUTHOR NOTE

Hey guys! After two full years, a lot of life changes, writer’s block, the works! I finally sat down and wrote this and now it is in your hands. I hope you liked it. Thank you for your continued support. I am still in awe of the way this book continues to grow and grow. Thank you for engaging and leaving me all your nice messages. I hope you’re all keeping well.

-Love always
-Dzangie. 🌷