(Published December 13th, 2015)

Dying Sexily, Dippy Fresh, and Rainbow Laserbeam Shooting Noses

~~~

~Why aren't there any quests on Percy, Annabeth, and Grover?

Oh right, because Percy Jackson and the Olympians never happened. Only The Heroes of Olympus did.

~When there are more mentions of Grover in this book than any other fan fiction you've read...

Combined.

~Guys, seriously, there are other names that mean "moon" besides Luna.

Like Selene...

And Crescent...

And Channary...

And Jannali...

And yes, I did just list a bunch of Lunars from The Lunar Chronicles.

#DealWithIt

~His dark brown eyes bore into mine, as if to say, 'I love you. Please don't get hurt. But while you're gone, please stop by Artemisia and pick up a tapestry because tapestries over there are awesome. Oh, and also pick up some orangutan meat because me likes orangutan. And I eat human meat haha lolz okay BAI wait did I tell you that Nico and Travis and Connor would be totes cute together? #ShipIt'

I gave him a quick kiss then looked back at him with a face that said 'I'll stay safe, I'll get the tapestry and meat, I didn't know you were into canabowlprism, I am too! And omgs, Stollico is, like, my OTP! Love you, baby!'.

I guess everyone has telepathy now.

~Piper is now this super emotional girl who's desperate for romance.

*Jason and Reyna making out*

Piper: wtf jason y u do dis 2 mee???

Jason: NU PIPER IT'S NO WHAT YOU THINK!

Reyna: *laughs evilly* I STOLL YOUR MAN HAHSHAHSAGSAH

*Piper runs away*

*Piper bumps into Leo*

Leo: Hey Pipes, you okay? You look kinda--

Piper: KISS ME BECAUSE JASON WAS MAKING OUT WITH REYNA AND I'M OVER EMOTIONAL TRASH NOW.

Leo: Wha--

*Piper makes out with Leo*

Calypso: DAHADES WOMAN?

~ "Percy looked at his best friend JASON GRACE."

I think you're confused because you spelt GROVER UNDERWOOD wrong.
(from WildFools. Literally, exact wording and everything. You are my new favorite person.)

~The main character is this all powerful demigod with random powers.

The last time I checked, children of Zeus don't shoot rainbow laserbeams from their nose.

~Me: *listing off every cliché plot line*

Me: Except the AUs.

AUs: WE ARE THE ONLY EXCEPTION.

[Insert old clip of Mongols slaughtering people here.]

~Wattpad PJO Fanfics:
Stealing watered down Fanfiction.net plots since 2010

~Me: "The 12-Year-Old"

Everyone: BUT IM 12 Y U MAKIN FUN OF ME?

Me:

Me: ...

Me: ....

Me: How has your account not been taken down yet?

~Chaos doesn't even have a solid form. It should be possessing somebody.

But of course Chaos is just too swag for anybody's body to handle.
#CuzImmaBeSwag

~Every fic about Lou Ellen, Nico, Cecil, and Will are all about saving the Oracle of Delphi.

Because that's not what The Hidden Oracle is gonna about.

Nah, Apollo's just gonna sit there the whole time playing Hide-and-Seek with Rachel.

~Mythomagic no longer exists.

Neither do geeks.

Sorry, ten-year-old Neeks.

Ten-Year-Old Nico: ;^;

~Clarisse is the huge bully with no depth when she's not spreading love and happiness on her pink fluffy unipegasus.

~Jason: bro

Percy: bro

Grover: dafuq nah y'all ain't bros.

Jason: yes we are.

Grover: were you there for percy for five years?

Grover: were you the one who brought percy to camp half-blood?

Grover: were you percy's first best friend?

Grover: DO YOU HAVE AN EMPATHY LINK WITH PERCY? NOPE, DIDN'T THINK SO.

Jason:

Thalia: DAM GROVER, SLAAAAYYYY!!!

Percy: Looks like Jason has a dam problem.

Tyson: I think you need this. *Hands Jason pepper*

Jason: Wha--

Rachel: Need some pepper to go with that salt?

Will: Need ambrosia to go with that burn? *high fives Rachel*

~So I guess Lacy's crush on Carter Kane is irrelevant now.

Seriously, potential bonding for Lacy, Mitchell, and Piper right there.

Blair: But Chil, the Kane Chronicles doesn't exist, remember? Neither do Lacy and Mitchell.

Me: Right.

~There is no separate Kane Chronicles fandom.

It's just the Percy Kane fandom.

~*opens book*

"Hello, my name is--"

Me: YEET NAH.

*deletes book from library and dies on the inside*

~The schools never assign homework.

I guess everyone is just too busy making out with their boyfriends to have homework.

~There are no black people, only chocolate skinned people.

~ "Nico's orbs were like black holes; they sucked me into a dark world that I wanted to know more about."

Science teacher: Class, are you taking your notes on black holes? Because this is a crucial piece of information.

~All ships involving Nico are literally angst.

Except Solangelo, because Will is too fab for angst.

#2Glam2GiveADam

~Will and Carswell Thorne would be great friends. They're both huge flirts, apparently.

~ "Our lips crash together."

*Pulls out phone and calls the police*

Police: 911 what's your emergency?

Me: There's been a lip crash in Cabin Three!

~Percy is now Hannah Montana in every AU.

~ "Our tongues wrestled for dominance."

What is this, the wrestling world cup?

Coach Hedge: THREE, TWO, ONE, KNOCK OUT!

Nico: WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AND WHY HAVEN'T YOU HELPED ME GET AWAY FROM THIS CRAZY CHICK?

~"Nico touched my cheek, sending chills shivering down my spine."

Girl, do you need a sweater or something?

Or are you just having a seizure?

~Nico's favorite song is Spooky Scary Skeletons.

~Jason is actually secretly in love with One Direction:

*in the shower*

*playing One Direction full blast*

Jason: THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU BEAUTIFUL--

*door opens*

Jason: NO DON'T COME IN HERE--

*Jason changes radio station*

Radio: DISCO GIRL, COMIN' THROUGH, THAT GIRL IS YOU.

Person: Wtf?

Dipper: THIS IS MY JAM.

~Black boys be like:

"Yo what up in da hood, dawg?"

Dippy Fresh: Yo, I'm aight.

~When the main character describes her outfit more than she does her own best friend.

~ "He peeled off my shirt."

What are you? Annoying Orange's long lost twin sister?

~ "Will's sunshiney smile."

*Puts out sunglasses*

You can never be too prepared.

~How Moonlight Daughter Should've Ended:

Flavia: I dunt no wich boi 2 chose. Albastr iz so sweat nd coote wile neko iz so misteryus nd SCHMEXXXY.

Alabaster: Well actually...

Nico: WE GAY.

~ "He pinned me against the wall."

So you're playing Pin the Tale on the Donkey now?

~ *finds good story*

Yes! Finally!

Story info:

2 published parts.

Last updated: August 7th, 2013.

...

Styx.

~Leo now has a mop of curls that sits on his head.

Fangirl: *reaches for Leo's hair*

Leo: *slaps Fangirl's hand* GIRL, GET YOUR OWN CLEANING SUPPLIES.

~You never know who's POV you're reading.

One minute you're reading about Leo tinkering with some invention and then all of a sudden he's putting on makeup and giggling with Piper on how sexy he think he is and when he should ask himself out.

~The canon characters have ridiculously unnecessarily long descriptions:

Leo smirked, his dark chocolate orbs full of mischief. He crossed his caramel latte arms, shaking his head, causing the mop of black curls that sat upon his head to bounce up and down. He reminded her of a Latino Santa's Elf, with his pointy ears, a cheerful, babyish face, and his shortness that everyone has seem to forgotten about.

Huh.

Which Leo are we talking about again?

Leo Fitzpatrick: MEEEEEEEE!!! Oh wait, nvm, loloooloololzzzzz.

~A story has a unique plot and beautiful writing but only has 217 reads and 35 votes.

Meanwhile Percy Jackson, Missing Hero has a million-and-something reads.

Okay, even if Chaos wasn't cliché, since when his Kronos scared of Percy's spankings?

Since when does Percy spank people?

And how does Kronos know what his spankings feel like?

._.

~The OC stutters more than Odin Arrow when she meets Percy/Nico/Leo/Stoll Brother.

Girl, stuttering don't just develop overnight.

~*Some book with a really good plot and literary themes*
Comments:

ScrewingSolace: DO SMUT IN DA NEXT CHAPTA PLZ LOLZ.

((Oh my gods that usernames sounds like the title of a Solangelo lemon fic :/ ))

~Everyone has wavy hair now. Not straight, not curly, wavy.

~If the OC isn't some makeup romance obsessed Annabell, then they're probably a Punk Rock Princess.

Oh look Thalia, it's your long lost twin sister.

~He said sexily. He grunted sexily. He smiled sexily. He breathed sexily. He cried sexily. He cut his wrists sexily. He died sexily.

Gods, who was your English teacher? Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way?

~ "Oh my gods Percy you were amazhang out there," Annabeth said, kissing his cheek.

Let's just stop for a second and soak in the absolute stupidity of that sentence.

~Chaos has so many brothers that he might as well join Percy and live with the Duggar family.

They've got enough kids. I'm sure they won't mind a few dozen more.