(Published November 29th, 2015)

Canabowlprisms, Glen Coco, and Fifty Shades of Grace

~~~

~Octavian and Percy fighting to the death over a stuffed animal is now a thing.

Octavian: I AM BACK AND DEADER--I MEAN, BETTER-- THAN EVER, MOFOS! I AM HERE TO KILL ALL THE TEDDYBEARS! GIVE THEM TO ME SO I CAN FEED OFF OF CHILDREN'S LOST DREAMS AND HOPES!

Percy: NUUUUUU!!!! NOT MY BOOTIFUL BLU-BEARY! *hugs blue bear* I WILL NOT LET HER END UP LIKE HER COUSIN PERRY!

Octavian: Fine then! We shall fight to the death for Blu-Beary!

Percy: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Annabeth: PERCY NUUUUUUU!!!! DON'T DO IT!!!!

Grover: Percy, it's not worth it! Wait, I don't exist!  *poofs out of existence*

Percy: *puts hand on Annabeth's shoulder* It is my duty.

Annabeth: *wipes single tear* Then do what you must, my love.

Percy: I will always love you, dearest. *flies away on Blackjack dramatically in the sunset*

Oh, right, got off track. Anyway...

Octavian: PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM, PERSEUS ACHILLES JACKSON.

Percy: *le dramatic gasp* How do you know my middle name?

Octavian: Because Authors always make your middle name Achilles. Now, WE FIGHT TO THE DEATH! EN GARDE!

*Épées magically appear in their hands because The Author was watching the "Parent Trap" earlier and The Author felt in the fencing mood.*

*Octavian dramatically stabs Percy*

Percy: *falls dramatically* Tell Annabeth that I love her and that we are star-crossed lovers, fated to be reborn as a set of twins named Mabel and Dipper Pines because Pinecest is apparently a thing okay bye. *dies*
Octavian: YES. BLU-BEARY ISH MINE!!!! *Kills Blu-Beary.* I FEEL SO ALIVE!
(From  @Unstable_Muffin )

~*After girl being abused*
Girl: My past was so terrible! I was always abused by my dad because The Author couldn't think of a better depressing past! *cries*

Boy: It's okay.... Um, yeah.

Girl: I'm just so emotionally torn right now that anybody could do anything to me that I'd be too sad and depressed to care!

Boy: Oh... right! *in mind* This is my cue!

*Boy makes out passionately with Girl*

Gods, this guy is such a--
Well, I can't put it any better than @_Lost_Demigod :
"What a dick mentally weak state as a sign of 'NOW'S MY CHANCE!!!' If a guy did that to ME, I'd shove him off. He's basically taking advantage of her weak state."

Will: *Z-snapped fingers* Mmm-hmm, she told him! You go, Glen Coco!

~The main character's parents are usually killed by a monster, and miraculously the main character isn't.

Probably because the main character still smells like BOOTY STANK because they haven't taken a shower in months.

Hmm, sounds like my ten-year-old sister... *looks away thoughtfully into the distance*

~Percy can now sing.

I don't know about you guys, but I always thought he'd sound like a dying whale when he sang.

And the whole camp has this singing contest, and everyone has the most beautiful singing voices.

What is this, High School Musical?

HE EVEN SAID IN THE LAST OLYMPIAN THAT HE COULDN'T SING.
WHAT GIVES?

~People never give offerings to the gods before they eat.

They're just like, "OH! FOOD!" and shoves it in their face.

I guess the gods are irrelevant now.

~No, really, the gods are actually irrelevant. They're never in any fanfics, like, ever.

Let's list any Rick Riordan book in which a god appears in.

Oh wait, that's all of them.

And I'm not talking about in dreams and visions, I mean legit skin-and-bone.

~Percy's POV:

"I summoned water and killed the monster."

Wait, hold up.

Percy: What?

Me: Isn't there supposed to be some wrenching pain in your gut when you summon water or something?

Percy: No, what are you talking about? Hehe... *laughs nervously*

Me: Yeah, you feel pain every time you summon water!

Percy: *whispers* Bro, don't give The Author any ideas!

~Most quests should only have three demigods, including a satyr.
Now, a satyr isn't required, but it's highly recommended if the prophecy isn't specific on who should go.

~SATYRS HAVE SUPER COOL POWERS, YOU KNOW!
They can...

-Smell monsters and demigods

-Playing the pan pipes to cause cool nature-y power stuff to happen.

-Acorn tracking (you know, rearranging acorns with their pan pipes to guide them in whatever direction they should go)

-Satyr's sanctuary: blessing on animals for safe passage into wild.

-Empathy link (SINCE THIS WAS THE WHOLE BASIS OF GROVER'S AND PERCY'S RELATIONSHIP IN PJO, I THINK YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT IS).

-Reading emotions

Like, why aren't there more satyrs! These guys are super cool and have legit powers! What, is it because they have the lower body of a goat and that's not attractive enough for your main OC to fall in love with? And I would add more  but...*trying to keep this book as appropriate as possible*

~People always forget in fanart that Jason has Imperial gold glasses.

~A typical Percabeth moment:

Percy held Annabeth's hand, regret in his eyes, "I must do this, it's the only way."

Annabeth's eyes welled up with tears, "Then take me with you!"

"I mustn't, it's too dangerous." Percy looked away into the distance dramatically, thinking of what might happen to his beloved if he took Annabeth with him to whatever dangerous place The Author is sending him to (probably to join Chaos' Army or become the Guardian of the Hunt or something).

"Then stay safe, my love." Annabeth placed a hand on Percy's shoulder. The son of Poseidon faced the blonde demigod. He stroked her cheek before bringing her face close to his, their lips centimeters apart.

"I shall do my best," Percy whispered as he brought his lips upon hers. Love and happiness welled inside him, practically bursting out of his bosom.

As the pulled apart, Annabeth's stormy eyes stared at Percy with pure love and fear, "Please, don't die. Don't leave me alone."

"Never," Percy replied. He gave his girlfriend one last look before leaving the balcony (because The Author felt it would be more romantic on a balcony) and journeying to the dangers of the unknown.

What... did I just write? This... this is why I write rant books and not romance books.

But it's three in the morning, so...

Seriously though, Percabeth is always portrayed as this super dramatic and romantic couple, when in reality, they'd probably be trying to beat each other's high score in Mario Kart or something.

~There's this magical stuffed leopard head named Seymour that lives in the Big House and likes Snausages.

Forget about him, and Mr. D shall turn you all into dolphins.

~OC: I'm 16 and I just found out I'm a demigod!

Girl, please. Any normal demigod would have monsters on their trail since they were eleven.

So shut the Hades up.
(by @PokeTrainerAmethyst )

~*on le Facebook*

Percy Jackson: Omgs Will is being so weird like hashtag #possessedbysassyblackwomanspiritthatwasreleasedbykronoswhenidefeatedhimlolimtotallytakingcreditforwhstlukedidhahaiprobablyshouldntsaysassyblackwomanconsideringallthehatechileagotearlierinthisbookforsayingbutwhatevervecauseimpersassysoyoumustallbowdowntomemuhahahaha

*five seconds later*

Will Solace: Boi, you wanna say that again? Somebody better hold my hoops, it just got real up in here! You wanna take this up to Oak Cliff?

Percy Jackson: What's Oak Cliff?

Will Solace: Mmm-mmm, Nico, suga? Hold my hoops, Imma bout to whoop Percy's but.

Nico di Angelo: ...O.o

Bro, why are they replying so fast. Do you forget that they're DYSLEXIC? Like, it would probably take Will a week just to figure out a fourth of Percy's hashtag... (sorry to those reading this that have dyslexia).
(Also by @PokeTrainerAmethyst )

~Demigods on quests ALWAYS pack a huge bag of luggage with them.

Like, they have this bag full of NECESSARY supplies like clothes, food, iPhone 5s, ambrosia, makeup, whatever.

And they never lose the bag!

But when they do, the bag magically reappears.

(I forgot who suggested this one, please remind me!)

~Why is Percy's name Omega?

That would be like naming yourself 26!

What is this? Codename: Kids Next Door?

Percy, you ain't Four.

You don't have 26 fears that define you.

~Hate books be like:

@LolImAsain u iz stupd bich

wut iz dis? da chines festvle???//??//

evry1 h8 lolimasain becuz dey asan and asans r stupd nd fatt nd h8 goin 2 da mawl!!!11!!

dey r ugli becuz dey hav no eys!!!111
nd dey r asans nd asans cant driv lolz im su funi.

LolImAsain go tak a nife nd kil urself den we al b hapi.

@LolImAsain giv mi atention becuz i needz atention

Comments:
Percabeth63654376437348764856237531874: YOU'RE SO RACIST. GO BACK TO TARTARUS
    Replies:
    LolImAsainHate: pursea jocksin iz stupd. 50 shayds ov grahy iz bedder.

LolImAsain: Bich, u think I care? Go & screw a dementor, mofo.
    Replies:
    LolIlmAsainHate: hary potr iz stupd. so iz u.
    LolImAsain: No "I iz not"   

DaDemigod: YOU ****ING *****! GO **** YOURSELF! OH WAIT, YOU'VE ALREADY TRIED!
    LolImAsain: ur a bich. ur buling mi. im riportin u.

Horus_LovesPossessing_InnocentChildren: who are ya? yall just actin like a bunch of idiots. what are you, five?
    LolImAsainHate: hehe im nut tellin u. nd im 15 hehe.

ScrewCaleo_Lucleo4Eves: I bet you it's @chikinriccebol

chikinriccebol: lol nah itz nut mii dis tim.

MagnusLikeSwagness: Wait... THIS TIME?

LolImAsainHate: hehe ull nevr find owt.

BlitstoneShipper: Guys. It's @Water_Bender684. From that chapter Arctic Realtor, Creeper Guy, and Return of the Fluffy Pies.

ScrewCaleo_Lucleo4Eves: How'd you know? You weren't even there!

BlitstoneShipper: I'm a lurker...
   
Water_Bender684: GO DIE. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR LIKING LEO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

~A while back I mentioned that everyone has a weapon that turns into something. I recently found out that's not a cliche because Percy said that nearly every demigod has one for convenience.

But the weapon usually turns into a charm bracelet or something.

I mean, come on, there's other pieces of jewelry out there!

~H8 bok loloooloololzzzzz!!!!1111 randum??// no1 liks rabdum itz stupd

@Some_Random_Demigod

sum-randum-semigod iz stupd

wut r u doin on whatpad

she rites poj f=fanictijhb nd poj iz stupd

TWILILGHT IZ BEDER

poj iz stupd

twilgtnt roolz al

nd nou imma say irelvent stuef becuz i cant tink ov ani god insuts su imma h8 on hr religon hehhehehehehehe

she musslyms nd musslyms r tourists!!!!111

dey goo arund da woulrd on dere majikalll goats nd spred dere musslymness.

i beht u dat bler flu 2 pearis on hr majikal gots nd kidnap all da peeps nd brot dem 2 majikal musslymland11!!!

nd se probly a canabowl!!!1111 canabowlprism iz unhelthy nd u can git preggrz nd di lolz.

nd aladiun iz stupd su dat menz dat musslyms r tourists dat fli arund da woulrd on da majik carpit spreding wishs wit dere majikal gots.

MAJIK IZ BAAD. IT MENZ DAT U WERSHYP SATIN ND SATIN IZ EVIL.

nd bler liks blu flamigos witch dont exits u stupd!!!111

i bet u bler iz 2 llolz

i dont lik bler becuz se iz 2 sasy 4 da wourld 2 handel. se tinks ses al dat lik wtf iz se doin hear se nedz 2 go bak 2 hr cuntry nd eet hummus lik da canabowl se iz!!11!!

nd blers nam iz su stupd nd unorigal sea hr nam iz bler and bler means:
Bich
Lusifr
Ebola
git Rekt

ohh weight hr nam iz blair nd blair menz

Bich
Lusifr
AsZwhole
I cant tink ov an i inulst
git Rekt

mii nam iz suu mowch beder sea

Cuntagusly HAWT
Atractiv
Raar!111!!!
R u ded yet bler?////?//
I iz 2 hawt 4 u lolz
Extrmly SCHMEXXY.

SU HEHE DI BLER DA BICH

-A hater named Carrie

Okay, I think I covered most of the topics in hate books.
That was a complete joke by the way, except for Muslims being tourists because who DOESN'T want to travel around the world on magical goats spreading love and wishes to tiny children? And Blair, how did you like it? I tried, I don't think it's as funny as yours though. Still dying over "y dos a cuntry hav watpad"

~Will may have said he wasn't as talented at archery as his siblings, but that doesn't mean he can't shoot a bow and arrow!

~Reyna be like:

"LEGIONS, FORM RANKS--

Omgs, is that Jason? Oh, my gods, he looks so freaking hot in that toga. I could just kiss those lips all day.

FREAKING PIPER I SWEAR THE NEXT TIME I SEE HER I'M GONNA TEAR HER THROAT OUT BECAUSE SHE STOLE JASON FROM ME.

So, I was totally planning my wedding with Jason. The theme is purple. All the New Romans better be there. Or else.

If Jason and I had kids, I wonder what they would look like?

I wonder what his s--

Uh, LEGIONS, CUNEUM FORMATE! ADVANCE!"

Reyna basically lives, thinks, and breathes Jason Grace.

I bet you her favorite book is Fifty Shades of Grace.
(from @MeridaHaddock2 )

~Demigods don't shop at Hot Topic while they live at Camp Half-Blood. No, they aren't goffiks. They shop at the camp store (from @Writing-Rose).

~When The Author tries writing from a Boy OC's POV:

"YO, WHAT UP DAWG?"

-or-

"OMGS THE NEW GIRL AT CAMP WAS SO HAWT. She had long luscious black hair and ocean blue orbs that could stare into your soul and could see all of your biggest secrets and regrets! Her lips tasted like sunshine, broken dreams, and unicorn poop with a hint of curry-- Omgs, is that the new Gucci skirt like, omgs where did she get that? Hehehe!!!"

Like, I know the majority of you people are girls, but boys aren't that different than girls.

At the very least, make them more snarky or something.

Or write in third person.

~Nico acts like he's the star of a soap opera or something.

I walked into the Hades cabin and saw a terrible  sight in front of me. There he was, the son of Hades, curled upon his bed in a ball, rocking back and forth, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"It isn't real, it isn't real," Nico whispered into the pillow he was holding. His eyes were wide with mad fright, it was clear he was sleep-deprived. As soon as he saw me, he hissed and threw the pillow at my face.

"The light! I'm melting, I'm melting!" Nico cried painfully as he melted away into the shadows, leaving behind a tear-stained pillow and his shattered soul. 

~The Aphrodite cabin is the spawn generator of mean girls, meanwhile the Ares cabin flies around the camp spreading love, joy, and singing "Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows"--

Shoot, now I have that song stuck in my head.

GODSDAMIT, CLARISSE!

~Nico is obsessed with McDonald's.
Guys, he only went to McDonald's to buy a Happy Meal for the dead.
I mean, Nico's not dead, is he?

Then again, this is fanfiction we're talking about.

He probably died and joined Chaos' Army.
(From @miaandme2 )

~Cabins for whatever god/goddess just pop out of the Vortex of Oblivion for the new OC's convenience!

Oh, you're a daughter of Khione? Right this way to Cabin 21, which literally did not exist five seconds ago.

Daughter of Koalemos? That sure as heck explains a lot. Well, let me lead you to Cabin 78, the cabin for the god of stupidity. Just wait a second, it'll pop up any second now...

~Percy now acts like your annoying three year old sister that you want to put in a meat-flavored sack and feed to the wolves.

Percy: MOMMY, CAN YOU MAKE ME SOME BLUE COOKIES?

Percy: ANNIE, I WANNA JUICE BOX. GET ME A JUICE BOX NOW. AND MAKE SURE IT'S BLUE DIET COKE.

Percy: OHHH, HUSH, HUSH, BUBBLE GUPPIES IS ON!!!

Percy: EEEEKKKK!!! FINDING NEMO IS ON, LET'S WATCH!!!!

Percy: UNDA DA SEA! UNDA DA SEA! DARLIN' IT'S BETTER, DOWN WHERE IT'S WETTER, TAKE IT FROM ME!

Percy: WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDA DA--

Annabeth: *judo-flips Percy* NO.

Percy: .... WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! ANNIE MADE A BOO-BOO!!!! WILLY, FIX IT, FIX IT!

Will: -_-

~Self-Inserts be like:

"Hi, my name's Chilea-- I mean, uh, Lea Kashé,and I'm a daughter of Demeter and Apollo, and Leo's my husband!"

Dipper Pines: ... LOOK! IT'S THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOKS!

(A/N) So, I decided to update Moments since there's no way In gonna be able to update Hecate's Revenge today. Not much of a loss for most of you guys though.
Anyway, it's five in the morning here and I still haven't gotten sleep yet. And I'm too tired to sign off..
NIGHT!
See ya on the flip side,
~Chilea