MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!

NIGEL UNO...

...VS...

...ERNST...

...STAVRO...

...BLOFELD!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEGIN!

Nigel Uno, Numbuh 1 of the Kids Next Door:

Nigel Uno here, on Ms. McKenzie's secret service.

Let me list the reasons why you should be very, very nervous.

I don't need Numbuh 5's help to be fresh and funky.

You don't intimidate me; I've seen scarier Rainbow Monkeys.

There surely must be a reason you're so evil and spiteful.

Could it be that your childhood was quote—unquote "delightful"?

You say that failure for your agents is a capital crime?

Better shoot yourself, then; Bond beat you, like, five times!

I'm about to eighty—six you, decommission your rear end.

Are you bald or not? At least my lack of hair is consistent.

I'll put you in your own deathtrap, feed you to sharks like Chester.

When I'm through with you, Blofeld, you'll be a literal specter!

I'll gouge open your other eye socket, even out your face,

Then see you sodomized by Stickybeard in our Arctic Prison Base.

I practically beat up evil adults like you for fun.

I shouldn't even need to say this, but: I'M NUMBUH ONE!

Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Number 1 of SPECTRE:

You may be "Num—buh One", but Number One would be I,

And that is why, Mr. Uno, I expect you to die.

I live up to my title in Bond's rogues gallery.

Torturing you will be simple; I'll just make you eat broccoli!

You're so unrealistic, I don't consider you a person.

I'll bet you only know me through Mike Myers' bumbling version!

I will make your transmission permanently lose its signal.

You couldn't even out—rap my freaking cat, Mr. Tinkles!

Even my mooks are out of your league, so as for me, don't even bother.

In terms of your absurd nemeses, call me Godfather.

I am a classic super villain, trained in numerous academia.

You are a juvenile wish—fulfillment wannabe with Leukemia!

Whenever I'm involved, control of the world is at stake.

Your biggest so—called "missions" revolve around birthday cakes!

With all my escapes and body doubles, I'll last forever just like diamonds.

I'll leave your whole team stranded, call it "Hoagie Gilligan's Island".

Nigel:

I'll give you this much, old man: you're a master debater.

But stronger than Grandfather? You're more on par with Toiletnator!

I know exactly what I'm doing here; in fact, I'll tell you what:

I'm setting into motion Operation: K.I.C.K.Y.O.U.R.B.U.T.T.!

My S.P.L.A.N.K.E.R. will send your ass flying into your own oil tanker.

I would rather be fighting Dr. Evil, you wanker!

These next lines come from me with hate, and are for your ears only:

You're like Leaky Leona, but eleventy—billion times more homely!

You're blander than Mr. Boss, and a bigger dick than Chad.

I never said "never again" to recommissioning my dad!

I am the planet's very finest preteen secret agent.

Obvious line, but: KIDS NEXT DOOR, BATTLESTATIONS!

Blofeld:

Think you can match me with wooden toys and a treehouse?

Listen here: like Prince of Egypt, you're playing with the big boys now!

You think you're the Dark Knight, but you aren't even a Boy Wonder.

My Number Two will shoot yours down with great balls of thunder!

KIll all your girlfriends with my main squeeze, Irma Bunt,

Snipe 'em multiple times; make sure they only live once!

As we speak, my Moonrakers are heading for your headquarters;

You kids were never a threat to my new world order!

I'm nuking your whole joke of an organization, do you hear?

And when I'm done, no one else will even notice for years!

Adults like me will always rule the world; deal with it!

I should stop talking and just kill you right no— OH SHIT!

(James Bond walks up from behind Blofeld and shoots him dead)

Bond:

Well... that was... um, easier than expected. Hey, thanks for distracting him, little boy. I don't know who you are, but you must be... pretty stupid if you were trying to confront Blofeld. But, all's well that ends well, I suppose. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find another outrageously—named woman to sleep with.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!