...RIGHT NOW!

• Scott Pilgrim: •

What the Hell just happened? Taylor, are you- OH MY GOD!

??????: That's right!

You thought that you would be the one who'd get to tap that ass tonight;

Most woefully, though, for your ego and libido, it was me, yo!

Change your name to Ozzy, Scotty; you've been traded out for DIO!

• Dio Brando: •

You'll wish you were stuck with Loki, still, once I launch my invasion:

Kicking puppies? Child's play; I go for dog-incineration!

Vile Victorian vampire, turning mothers into zombies;

You can ask him for yourself: the Ripper ain't got Jack-shit on me!

Fighting back is useless: I pull zero punches for my victims,

Spitting coffin-nails; this loser's never gonna know what hit him!

The Italians will attest: I reign supreme! I can't be beaten;

Dropping verses phatter still than all the breads you've ever eaten!

Such sick shit's inside this brain, my head alone's too much to handle;

With humanity rejected, I attack without remorse,

And when my trump card finally enters play, you'll be brought to a standstill:

Instantaneously flattened by my roller's steaming force!

My writings hold the way to Heaven, but through raps, I'm raising Hell:

Feel your composure go awryyy as I let loose my crazy yell!

One major menace, rumble with me, and get sliced straight down to size!

You let that Chinese chick down easy? Let's see you shrug off these Knives!

• Scott Pilgrim: •

Though that Aztec mask served you well, here, you know not with what you're screwing:

Victory's as lost to you as your first film to public viewing,

You JoJoke! WatchMojo had it right: you're nowhere near the best.

I heard it from the man himself: even Speedwagon's unimpressed!

My words will Ripple through your mind and leave you yare yare dazed;

Forget Hamon, though: I kick ass schooled in the ways of Streets of Rage!

My Battle-Tendency is winning, more than Charlie ever could;

Succeeding where your body's donor failed, I'm sinking you for good.

• Dio Brando: •

Do you believe in gravity? You fail to grasp your situation's:

You couldn't hope to beat the other me in some cross-country racing!

If, for one second, you'd think you'll out-outsmart this lord of time,

You're living in a fantasy, just like that druggie son of mine!

Once heir to some mere drunken bum, I now hold power ever-reaching;

You can't fight your fate here, kid, and know that's not just Pucci's preaching.

All I need to drain you dry's right at my very fingertips;

Even Vanilla Ice's name is feared with my dark leadership!

• Scott Pilgrim: •

You used to be a bloody boss, with gods and living dead devoted;

Then, you took a fist into the knee so hard, your head exploded,

But an arrow, on the other hand, is how you were empowered,

So with that in mind, I take a Stand in this, my darkest hour!

(*STAB!*)

[STAND NAME] Sex Bob-omb [STAND MASTER] Scott Pilgrim: Pushed past the Threshold, Awesomeness is dialed to eleven:

I'll crush you five times as if it were a game; think Eyes of Heaven!

I go hard as Crazy Diamond; there's no way you're breaking me! Quit tripping:

Your next line is, "I'll be walking home, like an Egyptian..."

• Dio Brando: •

Wrong; it's: ZA WARUDO!

(*WARP!*)

...And now you're frozen; any questions?

Scott Pilgrim: Yes; ahem... OH SHIT, is that a motherfucking JoJo reference?!

Dio Brando: Wait, what kind of question's that; boy, is your brain already dead?

Of course that was a reference, just like nearly everything I've- (*CROTCH-KICK!*)

...This is impossible; I'm DIO! How did you do that, you jerk?!

Scott Pilgrim: Just call my Stand King Crimson's twin: screw making sense; it simply works!

I'm roasting you as thoroughly as the Saharan desert sun:

No cosmic reset's needed here; I've unconditionally won!

(*BOOM!*)

• Scott Pilgrim: •

Now, my most bizarre adventure's at its end, for sure, for real,

And at long last, T. Swizzle's love is mine! Alright, let's seal the deal!

Taylor Swift: Dude, that psycho just violated me; I'm battered, bruised and bleeding!

Plus, were we to truly date, there's not a doubt it would be fleeting.

After all, I'm only here as warmup for your featured duel,

As promised in the title; now, that gig's complete: I'm out, you fool!

Scott Pilgrim: So, it was all an act? Forget you, then, you crazy serpent-girl!

Aw man, this bites... but hey, at least I stand as conquerer of the World!

• Announcer: •

WELL-DONE, MY BOY: YOU CLOBBERED THAT NEFARIOUS SO-CALLED IMMORTAL!

BETTER YET, I'VE CLOSED THIS TROUBLESOME VAMPIRE-DIMENSION PORTAL;

THERE'LL BE NO MORE UNDEAD ENTRANTS HERE!

Gabriel Belmont: There won't? Aw, Old Gods dammit...

Scott Pilgrim: Wait... so Dio really was invading; you didn't even plan it?

Announcer: WELL, WHY WOULD I HAVE YOU FIGHT SOME WACK BLOOD-SUCKER; ARE YOU MENTAL?

Scott Pilgrim: ...'Cause his power's called "The World"?

Announcer: ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL!

ANYWHO, IT'S MAIN EVENT TIME: MEET THE ULTIMATE O.G.,

WEIGHING IN AT SIX SEXTILLION TONS, AND KNOWN AS HOME TO YOU AND ME...

• ??????: •

Hailing from the Milky Way, here comes one mother of a pebble,

Packing meteoric words; yours face extinction when I strike!

I'm pleased to beat you; hope you've guessed my name, but no, I'm not the Devil:

Third rock from the sun, I'll be the final rocker of this mic!

• The World: •

Unlike my surface, Earth's verses are anything but watered-down;

This planet's armed with more than Ego, and you're getting slaughtered, clown!

You'd like to make yourself believe that I flow slowly? Keep on dreaming;

I'm a juice-pumping machine, with scores of running rivers streaming!

I'm sure as my core not flat: the rhymes I drop fall even less-so;

It's survival of the fittest, and you're doomed right from the get-go!

I'm a straight-up boss throughout the seasons, never mind my axis;

More an egg than any perfect sphere, but still you'll never crack this!

Don't you make me quake with laughter at your war on evil exes:

I've got seven continents and an array of wonders; check it!

My diversity's amazing; puts the Amazon to shame,

And stacked from pole to pole with skill, I'll rock you like a hurricane!

Bad shit goes down when I spit fire; ask the people of Pompeii.

I'll spin you for a loop: a taste of what I go through every day!

You'd better understand the gravity of this, and change your tune,

For all you know revolves around me; you couldn't even match my Moon, you little loon!

• Scott Pilgrim: •

Newsflash, big guy: you aren't the universe's center;

Stomping on your face, I'll leave a carbon footprint to remember,

And... whatever! You know what? Just finish this accursed thing;

I swear, it's had as many false ends as The Return of the King...

• The World: •

Oh, wanna talk returns? Watch me bounce back from any cataclysm,

From ice ages to impact events to continental schisms!

If mankind goes boom, I'll just pick up the pieces and start over;

Nothing takes me down for good, short of a fucking supernova!

I'm the stage for all of history; go see Bill Wurtz's summary!

Just call this global warming: bringing heat, I'll melt you utterly!

Of countless cosmic objects, only I can foster life,

So if there is a God almighty, I guess I must be His wife!

No dig you take can scratch my crust; indeed, you aren't the cleverest,

'Cause stepping to me is an order taller still than Everest!

Try playing up here at my level, and you'll find it hard to breathe:

My lyrics soar so high, they're past my atmosphere; you need to leave!

I'm ancient beyond comprehension: even Christ has no idea;

When my lines all come together, it's a power-rap Pangaea!

Billions walk all over me, but I'm nobody's doormat, son:

I've outlived ninety-nine percent, and bitch, you ain't long for the one!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!!!!!!!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!