MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!

SIEGFRIED SCHTAUFFEN...

...VS...

...ARTHAS MENETHIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BEGIN!

Siegfried Schtauffen, "Innocent Darkside":

Welcome to the stage of history; you haven't what it takes,

For never such an easy victory I'll've had as this flake!

Hearthstone and zone home, or get ready to cry,

'Cause Sieggy won't be needing Roy to battle with the tiger's eye.

Sweet, swift, swingin', slick, swag Schwarzwind swordsman;

Swat a sucker out the ring and halfway to Stormwind!

My raps possess a caliber too hot to Zweihändle;

Your 'craft's like a kobold:

Kobold: You no take candle!

Siegfried: This rhythm is your Requiem; a wipe is impending.

Casting down your dreams and breaking destinies; I'm unrelenting!

My skill set is uncommon; get the best of me? You're joking:

I'll be pushing all your buttons, and I won't stop poking!

Arthas Menethil, Crown Prince of Lordaeron:

This pretty boy thinks he's my Destined Battle? How pathetic!

What are Uncommon skills when mine are highest—tier Epic?

Macro—cheating won't be needed; strategizing in real—time.

Here's your only warning, get it heeded: flee in a beeline,

For the day I was born, the forests whispered my name.

I bring the heat like an Orb of Fire; spitting holy flames!

Full—exalted with the Light, I'll be a scourge to any Scourge;

Cull you off your stage of history like a city getting purged!

Boss, what's he going up against?

Uther the Lightbringer: That's a paladin.

Arthas: Who sees retribution best dispensed?

Uther: That's a paladin!

Arthas: Lets his strike of the crusader fly?

Uther: That's a paladin.

Arthas: Righteous ghoul—exterminator guy?

Uther: That's a paladin!

Siegfried:

Don't be pushing me to praise your prissy perks as a paladin;

I cut down a crusader like a German Saladin!

Penetrating any armor: cloth, leather, mail, plate;

I'll go Medivhal on your ass until it's check—and—mate.

Arthas:

This dude is deluded: boasting like he's the best,

Yet overshadowed just by half his female fighting partners' breasts!

Killed your daddy roadside, blind with raging recklessness;

Next thing we know, you'll screw your mom and change your name to Oedipus!

Siegfried:

No... no, that's not true; that's impossible!

Oh God, oh man; how could I be so irresponsible?

My guilt's nigh—incomparable; please make it go away!

Soul Edge: Yo dawg, I can do that if you'll wield me.

Siegfried: Okay!

*FLASH*

Siegfried Schtauffen, Host of Soul Edge:

Aaargh... how's this for an edgier style?

Really digging the azure; I think I'll keep it for a while.

See the darkness now before you, and you better be scared;

Set to siphon more Souls than From Software!

Beware when I live, for I hunger like Sinistar;

The host with the most bad mojo since Zandalar.

You're standing in fire if you even let me aggro;

I wield Infernal Terror, as primeval as Diablo!

Conducting my campaign up from my castle 'cross the valley;

Even killing while I'm sleeping with a paddle from a galley.

Boy, you're never waking up, I reign forever; I'm a legend!

Stomp you out with Cataclysmic damage—dealing every second.

True—to—form unicorn born of scorn and damnation;

After this, you'll need more patching than a plague abomination.

Put you down out in the cold like your "Invincible" steed,

Mount your lady, hold her reins and fill her with my Evil Seed!

Muradin Bronzebeard: Pure dead possessed, he is; we have to retreat!

Arthas: I figured you would say that, and so I burned our whole fleet.

Muradin: WHAT?!

Arthas: I'm doing what it takes to slay a horror of the night!

Frostmourne: In that case, there's this really cool sword...

Arthas: Alright!

*FLASH*

Arthas Menethil, Death Knight:

New plan, new friends; some old ties cut.

Undeath for the win, but still I hate your rotten guts!

Raps in rapider succession than I took my father's crown;

Raising dead is my obsession, but I'll leave you in the ground!

Chill Death Knight flow, burning haters like the Legion.

Spill frostbite, yo; rockin' Eighty—Level Chieftain.

Scar the ground beneath my plodding when I lead a campaign;

With my buddy Kel'Thuzad, I see that chaos doth reign!

An Unstoppable Force, and you'll be easily moved,

Because my verses run so deep, they're like Azjol-Nerub!

I'll take your whole posse to school like it was Scholo;

"DEATH" rune for Astaroth, while gluts of ghouls are zerging Voldo!

Leatherwork a Murloc costume out that overgrown lizard,

Trammel you in Chains of Ice and bury you beneath a Blizzard.

Shatter shards like disenchanting from that eyesore you brandish;

Just ask Illidan: defeating me is Outlandish!

Siegfried:

Choice transmog job, but no sharper of a tongue!

I keep the pressure 'til your soul is mine; call me Shang Tsung.

Arthas:

Oh, drop the Charade and face the facts of it, you phony:

I'm a dread—lord like Cervantes; you're as fake as Don Quixote!

Siegfried:

Come on! I'll claw your face until it's swollen as my arm,

And just one run-through of my blade will have you buying the farm!

Arthas:

Hey, I bet you'd know a bunch about "buying", you blue bastard;

Probably paid a panda just to perk your power—level faster.

Siegfried:

Oh yeah? Well— *FZZZT!*

*FLASH*

...Enough is enough;

I have had it with this sword and all its wack possession stuff!

Yo, I need to be alone to mope and wallow in my shame,

And so I'm leaving to atone, and hope you'll follow in my vein!

Announcer:

THRALL'S BALLS! IT'S APPEARING THAT, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE,

WE'VE HAD AN MC QUIT AND BAIL AND UP AND LEAVE, AND THAT'S A FIRST!

SIEGGY'S SOUL IT SEEMS IS SAVED, BUT HIS RAPPING CRED HE FORFEITS,

SO BY DEFAULT, VICTORY TODAY MUST GO INSTEAD TO—

Hold it!

Zasalamel:

I'm a man with no life, because I've got too many;

Popping back and just reviving all the time like I was Kenny!

Let that sink in while I sow some power back into this sword,

So it can reap my soul at last and I can stop being so bored...

*FLASH*

Nightmare, Spirit of Soul Edge:

BWAHAHAHA! I AM COMPLETE!

PURE EVIL THAT NO STUBBORN LETTER EVER COULD DEFEAT!

UBER—BOSS—LEVEL—ELITE; NO OTHER DEMON CAN COMPETE!

MEET YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE; FALL AT MY FEET!

Arthas:

Oh, don't start with me, Sir Giantholeinthetorso;

Looking like the flimsiest of fiends Beyond the Dark Portal.

Nightmare:

WELL, I'LL STICK YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF MY MAW LIKE STEALERS WHEEL;

SINGLE BITE TO SPLIT APART YOUR PERSON WORSE THAN TIRA'S DEAL!

Arthas:

Ooooh, WoW; so edgy, bro!

Come right at me in a frenzy; watch me parry every blow,

While the cool spells I Frost—weave will rend your bones in seconds!

Still, Ner'zhul tells I must leave; the Frozen Throne beckons.

Nightmare:

DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME, YOU COWARD! FACE THE REPERCUSSIONS;

THERE CAN BE NO FLEEING THE POWER OF THIS SYMBOL OF DESTRUCTION!

I'M NIGHTMARE, THE MAD MASTERMIND OF MALFESTED;

DON'T FIGHT FAIR, AND DON'T TAKE KIND TO BEING BESTED!

*FLASH*

Siegfried Schtauffen, Champion of Soul Calibur:

With a conscience clear as crystal, I inform you that I'm back;

Hilt of heavens in my hands, but hella—hard on the attack!

Nightmare:

RETURNED TO PUT YOUR INNER—DEVIL DOWN? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY;

MAN, I'll— *SLASH* —AARRUUURRBLURRBLAAHGH!

Ganon: DIE!

Siegfried:

This ends now, Arthas! God is pissed off at you;

Spirit sword demanding justice, hero fit see it through:

An Unbreakable Soul, like a Seven—Branch Blade.

More than capable to solo you; a one—man raid!

Well, I've got more Melni—bones to pick with you than Lord Marrowgar;

Your mind is more Forsaken than the Ruins of Lordaeron are.

Quilboars for western agents, but forgotten how to pork,

And now your lady's moving on to dating dragons and an orc!

Arthas:

You think I hold the slightest flicker for ol' Jaina? Bitch, please!

Couldn't be moore proud of dumping her; I ain't no Mister Freeze.

Still, you're quite the strong opponent, with a body fit and able,

So I'll raise you for my Horsemen; let you clean the ponies' stables.

Siegfried:

When I wreak Elysian vengeance, know my victory won't be peaceful:

In my soul there lies redemption; yours is wrought with only evil.

Dark Lady's rooting for me, and I send you her regards;

Disses shooting like a poison arrow through your wicked heart!

Arthas:

Ha, good luck trying! I cut that sucker out my chest;

Quite a bit like Davy Jones in that regard, I must confess.

You knocked Algol from his perch, but I'm a different kind of story:

Masked—Emperor—of—the—Damned—to—be in finest time of glory!

Like a Mustafar Bizarro—World, I have the higher ground;

Lich's circle is complete, and now I take my icy crown.

Feel the Wrath and rising power; hear the banshees croon and sing,

For in the final hour, all must serve the one true king!

*FLASH*

...

......

.........

............

Announcer:

OOOH MAN, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE NOW, SIEGGY!

JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL HE WAKES IN SEVEN YEARS; IT WON'T BE PRETTY!

*Record scratch*

Siegfried:

Wait, wait, seven years?

You're telling me that after all that buildup, he's just gonna sleep there for seven years before doing anything?!

Announcer:

WELL, YEAH, SURE, WHY NOT?

Siegfried:

Why not?! Give me one good reason why he would.

Announcer:

WELL, UUUUMM... CRAP. THIS MIGHT BE A PROBLEM...

...

......

.........

...OKAY, OKAY, HOLD ON! I'VE FOUND SOMEONE WHO CAN FILL IN!

*Sirens*

CHALLENGER APPROACHING! A NEW FOE HAS APPEARED!

*Sirens*

????????

So, the big, bad Lich is gonna take a little nap?

Used to do that sort of thing, but now I'm over that crap,

And so I'm here, wide—awake and fully—focused; check my gauge.

Out from shadows, book in hand, and verses swarming off the page!

Gabriel Belmont, the Dragon Dracul:

Laying siege upon the stage; Prince of Darkness in the groove,

Bloody Tears and Void and Chaos all incarnate in my moves!

Watch me Whip It, good as Ivy; even better still than Devo.

Feel my hatred, more than likely to defile your cathedral.

I'm a lash—and—flailing, titan—scaling creature of the night;

Tell a "righteous" prick just how it is, then go in for the bite!

A persistent thorn in sides, like Chupacabras causing trouble;

Carmilla, for instance, knows how wont I am to bursting bubbles.

Ever—dangerous to Pantheons; at times, it's hard to fathom:

Like Agreus, without a bell to chime for getting past him.

What I've known and seen and done will leave a hardened soldier crying;

Even prone to stabbing folks in Reverie, not even trying!

Mirror of Fate says: abandon all hope of besting me;

You may be He Who Fights the Past, but there's no fighting destiny.

I'd let you ask my son Trevor, but he's busy with romance;

Working on your girlfriend Hilde with his lycanthropic lance!

Next to my tormented soul, you're but a whiny emo wanker;

Seen more heartstring—tugging pathos in the plays of Toy Maker.

And that truly is a sword of God: it's going to betray you;

You're its chosen sorry sod to crystal—freeze the world like grey goo!

It's true, I've murdered families here and there, but don't be hating,

'Cause I got my act together, and I did the same to Satan.

I'm Dracula, spectacular; undying in my advantage!

You're as miserable a secret—pile as any mortal man is.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!!!!!!!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!!!!