MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!

L...

...VS...

...L. RON HUBBARD!!!

BEGIN!!!

L. Ron Hubbard:

I thought this guy's supposed to be some freaky savant,

But all I see's a giant letter in some fancy-schmancy font!

You're the single most Suppressive Person that I've ever seen,

Or at least, you would be, if you didn't hide behind a screen!

Show your face, and while you're at it, bring along your hermit author,

To properly face L.R.H. and get Bennetta Slaughtered!

I have high, high hopes of smashing you so violently,

You'll be left wishing your momma had aborted you silently!

I've traveled the whole world over, from Asia to Alaska.

When it comes to new religious movements, I am The Master,

Just like my homeboys in the States are masters of infiltration,

Penetrating the very nation through our Snow White Operation!

We're the closest to a real Illuminati that exists,

So back off, lest you end up on our enemies list!

Man, a large chunk of Hollywood is under my control;

We'll find you, take you to Gold Base, and throw you in the Hole!

L Lawliet:

Let me give you a rundown of some unfunny truths:

Forget Batman and Holmes; I'm the world's greatest sleuth...

...Not that I need to be to see right through your global scam.

"Bare-faced Messiah"? Try "Outright Madman"!

You're as crazy as Kira, and that's no mystery;

My suspicion that I'll beat you: 100% certainty!

You're a crappy lieutenant, and a sub-par writer, too;

Your work is fanfic-level; you even married a Mary Sue!

And speaking of "sue", I know better than to show my face

To a coward who meets every criticism with a court case!

You may have gotten the first move, but you're still gonna lose.

I'll leave you childishly jumping up and down like Tom Cruise!

No, I wouldn't call it a "cult", this little group of yours.

That would be an insult to films like "Rocky Horror"!

And for all the wealth you've siphoned, your legitimate worth

Is less than the box office gain from "Battlefield Earth"!

L. Ron Hubbard:

Hey, I'm an Operating Thetan; I invented Dianetics.

With all that sugar you've eaten, you're a latent diabetic!

You're a stalky, chalky weirdo, so don't get cocky.

Forget Wammy House; you're in Hubbard House now, Ryuzaki!

We'll relieve the Jap' Task Force of this Potential Trouble Source,

And give him a course in Rehabilitation Project Force.

That's right! You picked a fight with the wrong man, Lawliet,

Because I wasn't kidding about Operation Snow White!

You see, just a minute ago, while you were busy rapping,

My buddies back at Saint Hill Manor were all tapping

Into your private records; hear it, we got your credentials!

With connections like I have, nothing is confidential!

L Lawliet:

You're a lie-spewing, dream-crushing, blood-sucking monster,

But I can still take you down, regardless of my posture.

I was going to say that I'd take your cake and eat it,

But I'm sure your cake's a lie, just like all your other bullshit!

My identity's the only truth you'll ever reveal,

For in the end, I will win, and justice will prevail!

I know you think you're really clever, but you're in for a surprise,

Because you're not the only one who ever hired hacker spies.

Pretty soon, I might just have to change my letter to "V",

Because, you see, I've enlisted Anonymous to work for me!

We're leaking all your documents, and once they're released,

Your number of followers will yet again decrease.

L. Ron Hubbard:

Oh, it's on now! You just made yourself Fair Game;

I'm inflicting brutal justice, but justice, just the same!

I do what I want, bitch! I've got Ethics protection,

And I'm subjecting you to universal Disconnection!

We'll drive you stark, staring mad like this was Operation Freakout.

This "crappy" lieutenant's gonna be your Final Blackout,

'Cause while you may be a baggy-eyed, insomniac creep,

I'll have you know that I also am a Master of Sleep,

Who's gonna put you down into eternal REM slumber.

I'll laugh more than just a little once you're six feet under!

Call this "Mission Middle-Earth", 'cause it's the Council of L. Ron,

And I'm summoning the fellowship; give me an Assist, John!

John Travolta:

Yo, I'm a Greased Bolt of Lightning; own five airplanes.

"Saturday Night Fever" before you could spell your name!

While your guys waste time on shit like "Operation Clambake",

I'm helping with real problems like the Haiti earthquake!

I'm Basically Perfect! I have good reason to brag.

Even look damn-near-Divine dressed up in drag!

You say I'm gay? Dude, Look Who's Talking!

I make women faint with just the style of my walking.

I'm sure you've been told that you need a psychiatrist,

But I'd instead direct you to the Oxford Analysis.

I warn you, though, it might be hard to Stay Alive

If your auditor decides to use the R2-45!

(Travolta jokingly pulls out a gun; it suddenly, accidentally and mysteriously goes off, the bullet hitting L right between the eyes and killing him instantly)

John Travolta: Woah!

L. Ron Hubbard: What the fuc- Oh shit, maaaaaan!

John Travolta: Oh man, I shot L in the face...

L. Ron Hubbard: Xenudamnit, John!

John Travolta: Hey, I didn't mean to do it! The gun went off, I don't know why...

...

...

...

...So, um... does this mean we win?

????: No. It means I win.

I knew you two'd prefer that to have been the end,

But there's no way in Mu I'm gonna let you freaks win.

Don't you dare even start to think that you're in the Clear,

For while this battle isn't over yet, the end is Near.

Nate "Near" River:

L the Second here, coming straight at you from SPK:

Stacking rhyme upon rhyme and blowing you away,

Like frozen aliens 'round volcanoes in your creation myth,

Than which I've heard more plausible claims from Joseph Smith!

I would call you chickens, but you're closer to maggots,

And my words will Crash into you harder than those of Paul Haggis!

Don't boast about your airplanes, John; don't you recall

How you failed to take care of your most important Jett of all?

Yeah, I went there! See, just like you, I don't play fair,

But I'm a prodigy, while you're full of nothing but hot air!

I'm not toying around; I do enough of that with my playthings.

I condemn you outright; my words are straight-up scathing!

You made yourself a prophet just to make yourself a profit,

But I'll leave you and your buddy here both Trapped in the Closet,

While I hire up some mafioso guys on loan from Mello

To sink the Freewinds, the Diana, the Athena, the Apollo,

And all your other ships, including your old Navy boats!

When I'm done with you, bitch, you're gonna wish you had a Death Note

To write down your own name in shame, while I proudly proclaimed:

It's all over, Lafayette! You've lost the game.

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!!!!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!

...F**K SCIENTOLOGY!