Dedicated to: AnnabearChase

So I always get really surprised when people tell me this story isn't cliche, because it kinda is, at least at certain parts. But it's nice to hear from people that they think this story is unique.

Thanks for reading and giving feedback! c:

Also shoutout to, like, everyone else who commented last chapter. c:

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       32. One and the Same

       Date: September 15th

Neither one of us speaks when we're alone. Alex sits next to me on the couch in our hidden room, his back leaning into the cushions, and stares straight up at the ceiling. He's been sitting like that for thirty minutes. And so have I, despite the occasional glances his way.

       I look at him now, at his face and at his blond hair that has now formed into a short wavy mess. "Alex, we're so screwed."

       He glances at me, his green eyes examining my face for a second, and he says, "Yeah, we are."

       "We're not even undercover anymore," I point out.

       Alex laughs humorlessly. "Rachel, the visit from Officer Reynolds was not the moment we blew our cover."

       "But we still blew it. And it's our fault."

       Alex turns to me now, his entire body facing mine. "No," he disagrees. "It's not  our fault. It's Special Operations' fault."

       “That’s the same thing, Alex.”

       “No,” he repeats forcefully, staring incredulously at me, “it’s not. Why do you keep referring to yourself as Special Operations? As if that’s all you are?”

       I stare at him, taken aback by his question. It surprises me that he takes notice of the words I use, but then, he’s Alex. For a second I have no idea what to say to him; I don’t know how to explain the fact that at the moment, Special Operations really is all I am.

       “Because,” I say after a while, “we’re Special Operations agents.”

       Alex seems to be very passionate about this subject, and I narrow my eyes at him, trying to figure out why. Then he says, “You know, what you do for a living is not who you are.”

       Now I shake my head at him. “Alex, being an undercover agent is not what we do for a living. When we wake up every morning, we have a mission to carry out. We don’t get vacation time. And we don’t get paid, not until we're eighteen.

   “We’re teenagers who’ve been recruited to join an undercover branch of the government that we work for, live with, and follow the rules of, because they determine whether or not we actually get to see the outside world. What we do is not just a job. It’s our lives.”

       “It’s not my life,” Alex fires at me, “and it wasn’t yours either until about two years ago.”

       I’m about to retort something, but then I realize exactly what it is he’s said.

       “Alex, what do you mean it’s not your life?” I ask, watching him.

       He looks back at me, and there’s something about his eyes and his expression that leaves me completely clueless. And time goes by, and eventually he looks away, and now his eyes are staring straight ahead.

       “Rachel, you were recruited by choice,” he says. “And I was too, at first.” He pauses, and then moves his gaze to the floor. “But when a mission goes wrong—and I mean really wrong—and you return to Special Operations like nothing happened, it stays with you.”

       His tone becomes harder and harder as he continues speaking, and I just listen, trying not to think and trying not to form my own theories. For once I just want to listen.

       “And you’re expected to just go on like it never happened,” he continues. “But that’s not something you can just leave behind. It follows you everywhere you go; that what if question.”

       As I listen to Alex, I realize that he and I have shared the same feelings and I had no idea.

       What he’s explaining to me is exactly what went through my mind every day through training. My feelings towards the secret life I’d been taken away from by the people that were supposed to be my family.

       But I’m not focusing on that now. Because right now this isn’t my story. This is Alex’s.

       “Alex, what happened on the mission?” I ask quietly. “Did you . . . fail to complete it?”

       He smiles at the floor, but the smile is almost the opposite of a display of happiness. “I completed the mission,” he says. “But the way I did it was cruel, and heartless, and I’ve had to live with it every day since.”

       “Alex . . .”

       “I shot a girl, Rachel.”

       Immediately my eyes are glued to his face, but before I have a chance to even think about what he just told me, he’s speaking again.

       “Her name was Anita. And she wasn’t even supposed to be a part of the mission; she was just this girl I met on my first day undercover. Then I got word from Operations, and they told me they thought she’d be great for my cover. So . . . time went on, and eventually she fell for me.

       “But our relationship wasn’t real. I didn’t have feelings for her, I made her think I did, because Special Operations told me to. And then one day, I had backup on a COMMs unit, and I was told that the target was on the roof, and that I was just supposed to capture him.

       “And I went up there, and all I saw was Anita. And she smiled at me but I didn’t smile back. And then the voice in my ear suddenly told me to pull out my gun, and aim it at her heart, and shoot her. And I couldn’t do it. I was a fifteen year old boy, staring at a girl that liked him. And they wanted me kill her, just to get something that she had and they wanted.

       “And at that moment of hesitation, I suddenly had all of my Special Operations base yelling different orders at me at the same time. So I pulled out the gun, and I closed my eyes, and I pulled the trigger. I aimed low, and the bullet only hit her in the right leg.

       “But I couldn’t live with myself afterwards. When I returned to Operations, I didn’t want to be an agent anymore. I wanted to walk away, to live a normal life as a teenage boy. But see, you can’t just quit Special Operations. You can’t quit something that doesn’t actually exist in the public eye.

       “So that’s why I’m still here. Not because this is my job, or this is my life. I’m here because I don’t have a choice.”

       And for the first time since he started talking, his green eyes meet mine. “And you don’t either.”

       My mouth stays closed. I have nothing to say. My mind is completely blank, trying to grasp at words to from and thoughts to think, but I’m speechless. And Alex still has more to say.

       “You know, Rachel, I see you,” he begins, and I just blink at him. “You told me a piece of your story. About the agents that came into your room and assaulted you that night. But Rachel, that's not not all that happened. Especially not with Kyle, not with the way you detest him. So I assume that you and Kyle were involved with each other before, and that he did something to you. And that's what earned him that punch in the jaw that I gave him.

       “And then there’s your relationship with Adrian, which to me makes no sense. I still don’t understand the logic to that. But I’ll figure it out, because I know you. And I know we’ve only known each other for a few weeks, and you might say that that’s not enough time to get to know someone, but for me it is. For any agent, it is.”

       A single thought forms in my head now.

       Wow. This is the most I’ve ever heard Alex speak. The most he’s ever spoken to me about his life and the most he’s ever told me what he’s thinking.

       And I’ve heard what he has to say, and I realize now that I know him too.

       Alex and I, and the basis of our personalities, are the same. The way we developed into ourselves is what differentiates us. I hide behind walls that are solid and hard and I’ve had to do so since two years ago.

       But so has Alex, and he hides behind laughter and smiles, and he finds a way to laugh about something that’s deadly serious, like when he first held up a gun as a joke in this very room when I was having doubts.

       So I look at Alex now, knowing who he is, and I think to myself that if there’s ever a reason for me to stay in Special Operations, it would be for him.

       “I do see you, Rachel,” Alex repeats, leaning back into the couch again. “And you’re just as corrupted as I am.”

                                *              *              *

Omg, major Ralex breakthrough.

That was a deep conversation to write.

Took me forever, but yeah. What'd you guys think of Alex's story? Comment! 'Cause one of you will receive a dedication!

P.S. Remember when Rachel aimed a gun at Jez when she walked into the hotel room? Well, I've decided to go back and change that to make sure the gun wasn't loaded. Just a heads up for people who've already read that chapter before I changed it.

Thanks for reading! c:

Justin and Mr. Jacobs are on the "Meet the Characters" on the side.

'AwesomelyBlaze