(This might have to be uploaded in separate parts idk) 

In 2013, this hyper-conservative mom gave out DVD copies of Pamela's Prayer  to almost every girl in our co-op group. She cited it as her 9-year old's (HER 9-YEAR-OLD'S) favorite movie. Said 9-year-old had told me her favorite movie was Fireproof so who's lying. Anyway, the mom said every girl needed to watch this movie. Somehow, I was passed over and did not receive a copy. Later on I watched it with my friends at their house and we hyperventilated from laughing. 

Now, in the year of our devil 2021, I found the movie free with ads online from Tubi and I'm going to rewatch it and review it scene-by-scene with screenshots.

It starts with this rolling script and the most fuzzy retro electric keyboard music I don't even have a word for. My ears bleed.

Pamela's dad, Wayne, who has hair like Will Ferrell (I'm sorry if I misspelled his name, I honestly just don't care about Pamela's dad or Will Ferrell), takes her mother to some kind of rock formation in the desert. She's wearing a polo shirt tucked into an elastic-waist denim skirt. As soon as they sit down, she says, "We're going to have a baby!" because this is the kind of movie that won't use the word "pregnant." Wayne reacts like this: 

We time-jump to the birth. Wayne drives to the front of the hospital, jumps out in a leather jacket like The Fonz, opens his wife's door and escorts her into the hospital, and leaves his car parked out front with the doors wide open. Then we jump to a title sequence where we're told the name of every single actor. 

After the title sequence, the music changes to a single trumpet (I'm not kidding), and a forlorn Wayne drives to a cemetery and stares at a tombstone. We're supposed to gather that his wife died in childbirth. The explanation is horrible. 

There's a montage of Wayne raising baby Pamela. He clearly takes very good care of her but the movie makes sure to emphasize his loneliness. The exact same music from the opening scene plays. 

We time jump again. Pamela is now six years old. We learn that Wayne works for his dad, who runs a "Christian film library." This is literally a room full of film reels, and churches can rent the reels to show the movies at their events. Wayne cannot possibly make more than minimum wage. He wrestles with a dilemma because he was invited to a Christian film convention out of town, but he can't ever sleep away from Pamela because at her birth he made a "commitment to the Lord" to pray with her every night. It takes this man's father to remind him that telephones exist. 

When he gets home after the convention, he reads the King James Bible to Pamela as a bedtime story. 

Now Pamela turns 16. They grow up so fast. Wayne got a haircut. 

They tell her to blow out the candles and "say a prayer." 

The next day at school, these absolute catches talk about how they're trying to take all the Christian girls in school out. Please hear me, all the Christian girls in school. 

They hear that Pamela isn't allowed to date, and has never been kissed. She becomes their next target. 

While washing dishes with her dad, Pamela reveals that one of the guys (I have no idea which one because I don't know their names and could not possibly care less) asked her to go to the game with a group of friends. She protests that he's a "good Christian, the best Christian guy in the whole school." I can't stomach the phrase "good Christian." Wayne gives her this gross smirk as he says no and I immediately start hating him. 

Back at school, Pamela's friend, who has the puffiest bangs I've ever seen in my life, says that Wayne is crazy. Pamela defends him and says she's not allowed to date because they're waiting for God to bring around the right guy instead. The friend asks how they'll know who the right guy is if Pamela can't talk to any of them. Someone's finally asking the right questions. 

In the next scene, Pamela reveals to her friend that her dad wants her to marry a guy who's never kissed a girl before. Pamela isn't allowed to date because she might be tempted to kiss someone else in the meantime. I find out her friend's name is Jessica which I'm only mentioning because I remember she becomes important later. 

At home, Pamela faces her dad again and says, "Jessica is allowed to date as long as they're Christians." Wayne replies, "I wonder what her future husband would say about that." What the crap??? 

At this point, the movie messed up and started playing two scenes at once with the electric keyboard music on top of it while the scrollbar had a seizure. When I pressed pause, the music kept playing. I almost burned my laptop in desperation. 

Once the movie gets back on track, the guy asks Pamela why they can't just go to the game as friends, with a group of friends, and sit next to each other. He may be a creep but this is a reasonable question. Pamela feels rebellious. 

Kids at school laugh at Pamela as she sits alone to avoid sitting near boys, and at home, Pamela has a meltdown and yells at her father as the actress struggles to muster anything besides a flat tone of voice. The fuzzy keyboard music swells to the point it gives me anxiety. As she accuses her father of not trusting her and asks where the Biblical evidence for not dating is, he just deflects it all by saying, "It's for your own good." 

Wayne refuses to go to bed without praying with her, so even when she won't let him in, he prays outside her door. 

Doom and gloom music plays as we see Pamela fix herself up with a makeup brush, preparing for rebellion. She tells her dad she's going to the game with Jessica, and he's pleased as punch. My mind starts wandering and I think how if she was a lesbian she'd be all set and could easily get away with it. 

At the game, the camera pans in on Pamela sitting with the guy and literally plays this "DUN DUN DUN"-type music I am not joking. 

At home, Wayne can't rest because his creep sense is tingling and he feels like something is wrong. He mouths prayers to himself. 

The guy walks Pamela home. Now bells are ringing and drums are beating. I'm literally about to have a nervous breakdown from this cacophony of noise. 

Before they part, he tries to kiss her on, I swear, THE CHEEK. Look at the positioning. He cannot possibly be coming in for the mouth. 

The next day at school, a rumor has spread that Pamela and the guy kissed. Everyone is talking about it. 

Pamela is so upset, she admits to her dad that she went to the game with the guy and that now he's lied about her. Wayne says, "Maybe the Lord is trying to teach you a lesson." I literally hate him. 

Pamela continues to feel outcast at school, and then we're treated to a montage where her dad's father dies, and they have a funeral. Her dad doesn't shed a single tear because the actor is probably incapable. 

Things take a turn. This awkward dork named FREDERICK of all things gets a part-time job at the Christian Film Library. He expresses how he has been a Christian since he was a child and has always wanted to work in the ministry. 

Wayne likes what he hears so far. 

I just don't see how you could make a living off of storing Gospel film reels??? Even in the 80s??? 

Some time later, Jessica comes over and cries her eyes out in Pamela's bedroom. She's now dating the guy who lied about Pamela kissing him. Last night, he pressured her into having sex, and she's full of regrets. This is just implied, by the way, but you get the message. 

Pamela is upset and tells her dad. He does a whole hecking 180 and says that they must not judge Jessica, and together they pray that she'll be comforted and feel peace. But then he finds out this is the same guy Pamela tried to go out with, and gets this gross "Didn't I tell you so?" look in his eyes. 

Pamela and Frederick graduate high school. During the ceremony, they....LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE HUGELY??? PAMELA, YOUR VIRGIN EYES. 

I'm gonna end part 1 here so part 2 can cover Pamela's adult life.