This was all literally in one day.

1. Sweet, elderly grandma calls and says with a hearty laugh, "A f*****g tree fell on my house."

2. Someone calls in to report a cracked windshield.

Me: Would you say the crack is bigger than a half dollar?

Person: I don't know, how big is a half dollar? Because it's cracked from one side to the other.

3. My boss: God surrounds me with idiots because he's testing me.

4. Yesterday, I called a woman for payment at 10 AM and she answered in a voice like she was eating gravel.

Me: Uhhh this is about your payment but is now a bad time?

Her: Yeah, I'm asleep.

*fast forward to today*

*phone rings and it's her again* "I'm returning your call from yesterday but I can't talk right now, I'm starving and I've got to eat." *hangs up*

Her: *calls again shortly later* I just got a padded envelope in the mail and it has a device in it, is this for my car?

Me: Oh yeah, bring it by and I'll set it up for you.

*hours pass*

*right before closing, she walks in*

Her: I couldn't find the device.

Me: *she literally had it like four hours ago* Oh that's fine

Her: I want a coffee with cream.

(We are literally an insurance office)

My coworker makes her coffee anyway.

Her, to me: You can take a payment for me. Also I need you to print out my flood policy.

Me: Uhhhh isn't that through FEMA

Her: Yes

Me: Uhhhh we have nothing to do with FEMA but I guess I could call them

Her: Yes please I've been sick. *sips coffee*

I take the payment and call the number for freaking FEMA which I had to Google.

Her, to no one in particular: I've got to make a phone call *pulls out phone*

She has a conversation SO LOUDLY and at one point says "I'm glad you're alive, I was expecting a robot."

The automated voice on FEMA's line says the wait time is 48 minutes so I hang up and wonder if I should just give her the number to call when suddenly she says into her phone...

"I've got to get going, these people are sitting here waiting for me"

*She gets up and leaves, still talking on her phone*

Me: Uhh is she leaving

Coworker: She's probably just getting something from her car?

*We look out and her car is gone*

Coworker: She left.