WARNING: negative thoughts? It felt right to put a slight warning

Enjoy the chapter!

(3861 words)
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It's amazing how humans redirect their burdens and problems onto something else. Whether it is to blame or gaslight until only your voice is heard, humans proved they have the ability to victimize and distract themselves.

Time races the longer Taehyung finds himself pining for his childhood friend and he wasn't happy about it. He wants to move on and fall in love with someone he can have. He never wanted to fall for Jimin, not even in the past because he knew, he's always known, that he will hurt him someday. Taehyung didn't want to believe so but he knew there was no denying the truth.

Many people have shared their stories about their addicted loved ones that have to depend on the euphoric high gifted to them by illegal substances. Taehyung doesn't know how he's still alive after every scar he's marked on his body. If the insane drunk nights he spends alone binge drinking in his apartment aren't killing him slowly, he will have to do it himself.

But fuck, he can't because the thought of Jimin stops him.

Maybe, just maybe, Taehyung is realizing he's someone special in somebody's life.

As said before, humans are great at distracting themselves from their problems, and love is said to be so distracting, it blinds you.

He gains the courage to ask out the co-worker he rejected some time ago. Though surprised, they accepted. Hopefully, Taehyung's wish could come true with her.

Jimin was overly joyful to hear the news, and even begged Taehyung if he could meet her. Taehyung only smiled and nodded. A few days passed until Taehyung noticed his wish wasn't working. Dating someone did nothing to suppress Taehyung's feelings.

He caught himself unintentionally thinking about Jimin on his dates. Taehyung wasn't blind. She was a nice girl, well-mannered, intelligent, beautiful, caring, and attentive.

But she wasn't Jimin.

How strange, isn't it? Comparing a woman to a man. It didn't sit right in Taehyung's chest, culpability weighing on his shoulders every time she hugged him or held his hand.

Or kissed him.

Before their relationship became too serious, he broke up with her. She understood and Taehyung was thankful she did because now, he felt... lighter. Better.

Taehyung knew it was unfair to put her in this kind of relationship. He wouldn't lie if he said he didn't try to look for Jimin in her. As he walked home after the breakup, he was proud of himself for thinking of himself and of someone else to make the right decision. When he made it back home, that bliss feeling disappeared, hearing his overthinking thoughts as they began to circulate in his mind like always.

They scolded him.

"You could have given her a chance."

"You didn't give her a fucking chance!"

They screamed at him.

"She was perfect, you stupid fucker!"

"God, why are you fucking like this?"

The voices in his head began to get louder, making Taehyung instinctively bring his hands to his ears, pressing on them so he could block the sounds like he used to do when he was a child and his father would return. The voices seemed to get louder by the minute and he collapsed to the floor, clutching his teeth, squinting his eyes, and curling himself up.

Please.

Just shut up!

Please.

With a heavy heart, a headache, tears flowing down his cheeks, and a familiar urging tingle on his wrist, he let out a gasp, crawling to the wall and resting his head on it. He hums a soft song to himself, keeping his eyes closed as he tries to breathe.

With this song, his thoughts quieted down until he was finally able to open his eyes and reach for the phone in his pocket.

As soon as his eyes met the screen, it lit up and unlocked itself after Taehyung typed his password with his thumb. He sniffled as he clicked on the green telephone app, scrolling to the contact his thumb naturally took him to, and he held the device to his ear after selecting the number. He listens to the sound of the line and waits for the other to pick up.

After three lines passed, the phone picked up and Taehyung was able to hear the voice that could comfort him in seconds.

"Hello?"

"Hi Jimin," he manages to breathe out. "Are you busy?"

Taehyung knows Jimin can sense his broken voice by then.

"Not really, why?"

Yeah, why?

Why did Taehyung call him when he could just drink his problems away as he always did?

The answer is simple: he didn't want to drink or ignore his feelings right now. He needs... to feel loved, appreciated, someone to let him know he's not a stupid, useless fucker.

"Well, uh, to be honest, I just broke up with my girlfriend."

Taehyung hears Jimin's quick gasp but he was not one to further ask questions for better explanations. Taehyung was grateful for that. In reality, Taehyung didn't want to talk about it because there was nothing to talk about. He just... wanted his reasons to be kept a secret for just a little bit longer.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Taehyung."

"No, it's okay. You didn't do anything."

I did.

It was all my fault.

"Do you want me to come over?"

See, this is why Taehyung can't get over him. The way he's willing to do so much for Taehyung and he's so fucking grateful. He's grateful a person like Jimin exists to help the broken man rise to his feet again. Taehyung finds himself being grateful for a lot of things these days. Still, Taehyung can't be selfish, as much as he wants to be.

"No, it's ok. You're busy."

"No, I'm not," Jimin interrupts. "I'll be over in a little bit."

With that, the call ended.

Shit, no.

Jimin shouldn't come over. Not with the apartment being a mess, the empty alcohol bottles on the countertop, the overfilled trash cans, the dirty laundry on the floor, the unmade bed, and the dirty dishes by the sink. And he doesn't even have the energy to get up from the floor and clean it.

His mind is static now, the screaming in his head is gone but he still feels like shit. He probably looks like it too.

The buzz of the intercom snaps him out of a trance with a jerk. Taehyung groans, forcing himself up as he walks to the intercom, barefoot. He presses on the microphone bottom until he sees the flashing red light beside it. "Yes?"

"Hi," is all he hears.

He paused for a second, hesitant before pressing the button to let Jimin in.

"C-Come on up," Taehyung's shaking voice spoke for him.

He sighs, unlocking his door so he could sit on the couch and not have to get up when Jimin arrived. With the time Jimin took to reach his apartment, Taehyung used it to prepare himself and perhaps put on a believable smile. When he heard a soft knock and saw Jimin's head peeking through the door, his smile faded, now feeling responsible for Jimin having to drive here just for someone not worth it.

What the hell did Taehyung do to deserve a friend like him?

Nothing.

Exactly.

You don't deserve him.

The thoughts returned and Taehyung felt close to tears again. But he was not going to cry, especially not in front of Jimin. Swallowing the knot in his throat, Taehyung forces out an answer when Jimin asks how he was doing. "I'm good. Getting through it."

"Want to talk about it?" the other innocently suggests as he closes the door.

"No, not really." When he looks up, he sees Jimin's eyes of consideration, hesitating to let this topic go. "It's nothing, really. It just wasn't working out," Taehyung clarifies.

Jimin nodded because he believed him. "Oh, well, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Taehyung noticed how Jimin didn't look at him after the reassurance but rather, his eyes began to travel around the apartment in general curiosity with his hands behind his back. Taehyung's heart began to race, wondering what Jimin was thinking when his eyes didn't fail to catch the mess around the floor and furniture.

"No, it's okay. Really, I'm fine."

Jimin returns a quiet 'okay.' Although he knew Jimin would never judge him, he hated the way he was looking around, especially at the empty alcohol bottles on the kitchen counter. The voices in his head took advantage of these insecurities and they began to suggest horrid ideas for Taehyung to do. And when he felt the tingling sting to his wrist, the voices got louder.

Taehyung needed to fucking stop thinking this way. No matter what the voices tell him, he will never lay a hand on Jimin in a harmful manner.

Never.

But sometimes... the voices win.

Jimin, stop looking around, please.

Look at me.

"Jimin," he catches the other's attention.

Jimin hummed, craning his neck so his soft eyes met Taehyung's figure. Just by that, Taehyung let his stiff shoulders relax but his heart didn't. Now, without anything to say, Jimin waited for Taehyung to speak, providing him with the patient aura that never pressured Taehyung to talk.

"Before we met again, I always remembered exactly what you looked like in middle school."

Despite the negative phrases circulating his head, he managed to find the small spark of light in the darkness. He doesn't stop a fond smile from forming as he bashfully admits the only heartfelt memory that came to mind.

"Really?" the other asks shyly as he sits down on the couch, next to Taehyung.

"Yeah, you've grown a lot, Jimin."

His words earned him a shy smile from Jimin and Taehyung genuinely returned it. It fell silent then and that's when Jimin's smile faded. Taehyung noticed how Jimin fidgeted with his fingers, not tearing his eyes away from them. He didn't say or do anything but he could tell Jimin needed to say something.

With the same patience Jimin always granted him, Taehyung didn't pressure him to talk, instead, he distracted himself by humming a tune in his head until his name was called.

"Taehyung, what do you remember from elementary and middle school?"

Taehyung wonders why Jimin's voice sounded so vulnerable to this question. Maybe there was something behind those words, something Jimin wanted to hear.

Yes, there were many gleeful memories Taehyung keeps close to his heart. But Jimin didn't seem to want to hear them.

When someone asks others whether they remember happy memories, they usually look at the person they're asking with an excited grin. Jimin wasn't doing that because perhaps he wanted to hear about memories Taehyung has buried so deep in his mind, he can't remember them now.

"To be honest, I don't remember anything," he ends up saying.

"O-Oh." Jimin nods at the response, speechless and disappointed. The silence surrounded them again, yet now, Jimin's thoughts began to run wild, questions upon questions piled as they were left unanswered.

You don't remember yelling at me for opening my mouth?

You don't remember when I would try to love you the way only a first love can, but you pushed me away as if I were nothing but trash to you?

You don't remember... anything?

Did hurting me not hurt you too?

"Jimin, are you alright?" Jimin didn't notice when his eyes began to water at the memories that lived in the corner of his mind.

I just want an apology.

Is that too much to ask for?

"Yeah, I'm fine," he answers and quickly wipes his tears, standing up before Taehyung says anything else.

It's not even Taehyung's fault.

People forget unimportant things.

It's normal. Jimin can't blame him.

But why does he feel so upset?

"Taehyung, I think I'm gonna go." Jimin headed to the door, briefly turning back to his childhood friend. He sees the confusion and anxiety through the other's eyes as he crosses the room, yet Jimin doesn't let that weaken him anymore. "I have to do something later and-"

"Wait, don't leave me again."

Jimin halted in his steps and stopped his rambling, refusing to turn around so Taehyung wouldn't see his wet eyes.

Again?

No, I can't leave you again, Taehyung.

Now that you're back, how can I let go of you when all I wanted... was to see you.

"Just text me okay? If you need anything, just text me," is the last thing he says to the man he couldn't even look at before exiting the door.

Once he's out, Jimin blinks to let the tears freely flow from his eyes. He uses his hand to wipe them. When the knot in his throat became so noticeable he couldn't swallow, he bites on his arm to muffle the sudden sobs that escaped his lips. He walked down the hallway to the elevator, praying Taehyung's neighbors wouldn't spot him and think of him as a pathetic excuse of a man.

Once in the elevator, Jimin was glad Taehyung didn't chase after him because he knew that would make it harder for him to leave. He thought back to Taehyung's words.

"Don't leave me again"

It wasn't a command or a request, he was begging Jimin to stay. The thought couldn't help but tug at Jimin's heartstrings. He feels so guilty now because he's gone. A part of him tells him to go back, but his logic tells him to keep going. He remembers something Jeongguk told him when he had an anxiety attack during a family gathering of strangers.

"During any situation you don't feel comfortable in, just leave. It's better to think of yourself first than think of what would have happened if you hadn't left."

Truth be told, Jimin didn't know he would have rekindled a friendship with Taehyung after their reunion. And yet here he is, crying in an elevator because being his friend was agonizing.

He asked for this, didn't he?

He wanted Taehyung back in his life so now, he'd have to deal with seeing Taehyung suffer and suffering himself with the memories that would resurface by just seeing his face.

Why am I crying , he asks himself.

Don't be so emotional, there's no reason to be.

But it hurts because it's not even Taehyung's fault.

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Jimin is walking home because Taehyung's apartment wasn't far from his own and it's helping stabilize his mind after crying in an elevator of an apartment he doesn't know. It's been a while since Jimin stopped crying and now with red, heavy, puffy eyes, he walks down the empty street looking down at the ground with his hands in his pockets. Arriving at his apartment, Jimin opened the door quietly, hoping Jeongguk wouldn't hear him.

Before Taehyung's call, Jeongguk and Jimin were watching a movie together on the couch with popcorn in hand. But when Jimin's phone rang and he saw the caller ID, he excused himself to his bedroom.

Minutes later when the call ended, Jimin let Jeongguk know something came up and that he was heading out. Jeongguk was hesitant to let him go this late at night but eventually gave in, thinking Jimin was going to drive there.

In the end, each step Jimin took as he approached Taehyung's apartment felt like God's punishment. He felt guilty for breaking his promise but at the last minute, he figured it was faster walking than driving. Besides, the traffic this late was terrible and Jimin wanted to get to Taehyung's as soon as possible.

Before he left, Jeongguk said he'd pass time by studying until Jimin returned and that's what Jimin came home to see: Jeongguk on the couch with a book in hand.

Why can't Jimin be more like him? Selfless, caring, perfect, and true to his words.

Jeongguk doesn't fail to feel Jimin's presence, even though Jimin knows he did a pretty shitty job at his attempt to sneak in.

And when he flashed a fond grin at his friend, Jeongguk also didn't fail to notice the melancholy atmosphere Jimin carried.

"Jimin, what's wrong?"

He set his books aside and headed to Jimin without hesitation, his eyebrows furrowed and ready to attend to his needs.

"Nothing, I'm fine" Jimin chuckles nervously as he tries to brush it off.

"Jimin."

He knows he's lying. Of course he does. Jeongguk probably knows Jimin better than he knows himself.

Jimin tried to keep smiling, hoping Jeongguk would leave it alone because he didn't want to cry again. And of course, he didn't.

He patiently waits until Jimin is ready to talk.

There was something in the way Jeongguk was reading him that made Jimin give up and his lips quiver. Feeling defeated, his smile faltered. He let the first sob out, then the next, and the next, until tears were flowing down his cheeks like the current of a river.

"I'm sorry Gukie. I'm so sorry," he whispers as Jeongguk wraps his arms around him tightly.

Jeongguk's instinct to protect him sparked like a flame, wanting to comfort him with words like a blanket. He slightly pulls himself away from the embrace to look into Jimin's teary eyes.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. You're okay, moonlight," he whispers with ease, wiping Jimin's tears with his thumb.

Yet, no matter how much he'd wipe them, they continued pouring like a rushing canal. Before he embraced him again, Jeongguk pressed a soft kiss on Jimin's forehead because it felt right to do so.

"What are you apologizing for? You did nothing wrong."

Jimin shook his head, pulling away from Jeongguk's warm touch.

"I'm sorry for hurting you back then"

The sudden phrase sparked confusion within Jeongguk.

"Jimin..."

"It's just that ... when I was with you... I felt happy. I was possessive, wasn't I? I'm so sorry."

If Jimin hurt Jeongguk in any way, he would never forgive himself. But maybe he already has and he doesn't know it. Just like Taehyung.

So he finds himself apologizing for every personal flaw he can think of, just so Jeongguk would never have to experience how much it hurts to feel so unimportant.

The boy kept crying while Jeongguk's eyebrows were furrowed."Jimin-"

"Why did you stay?" Jimin interrupted in a broken voice. "Why didn't you leave after I wished to keep you to myself?"

"Jimin, you never-"

"Jeongguk," Jimin's solemn tone interrupted Jeongguk's speech. He couldn't look at the boy who saved his life once upon a time ago. "I ruined you, I'm sorry."

Jimin fell to his knees, not being able to hold the weight of his guilt. Jeongguk rushed to his side to pick him up but Jimin pushed him away before he could help him.

"No. Don't touch me, I'll-"

"Jimin, what the fuck are you talking about? I can't understand you, please explain what you're trying to say!" Jeongguk snapped desperately.

These episodes, as the pair would like to call them, happened when Jimin's overthinking got the best of him. They were invitations to his suicidal thoughts and insecurities.

Often, Jimin would start ranting about something that was hurting him, and Jeongguk would have to be the one to ground him. Other times, Jimin would forget how to breathe, resulting in an anxiety attack. Ultimately, Jimin would pass out asleep and Jeongguk would have to carry him to his room. The next morning, Jimin would thank him, apologize and move on.

Jeongguk hated seeing Jimin suffer through these episodes. What saddens him was the fact that after years of therapy, counseling, vitamins, and antidepressants, Jimin's depression never went away.

Sure, he was happier now, living the best he could by controlling it, but sometimes, his thoughts became so dominant that Jimin didn't know how to defeat them.

"Talk to me, moonlight. Please talk to me." Jeongguk eased closer to the heaving boy.

As Jeongguk wrapped his arms slowly around Jimin's petite body, Jimin subconsciously leaned into Jeongguk's warmth. A small gasp left his lips, followed by a choked sob.

Jimin buried his face in Jeongguk's neck while he stroked his back gently. They stayed on the ground in the quiet abyss for a while, never exchanging a word, solely focused on each other's breathing.

Home , Jimin thought.

Jeongguk always felt like home.

Even when Jimin was breathing better while sniffling, he still didn't want to let go of this comfort. Or of the person who was giving it.

Jimin wishes he could freeze this moment for it to last a little longer. He hoped it meant as much to Jeongguk as it meant to him.

"We see you, Opal. Your troubles are miles away." Jimin hears that recognizable melody and snaps his eyes open.

No. Not the creepy song from the creepy movie.

"No!" Jimin playfully whines, pulling away from the embrace with a smile on his face. "You know how much that song scares me!"

Jeongguk chuckles, his smile resembling Jimin's. "I just wanted to make you smile. And look at that! It worked." Jeongguk leaned in, pressing a quick, light kiss to Jimin's nose.

Jimin's eyes widened in surprise but he felt himself blushing, his smile growing wider. "Besides you must admit, that movie was a masterpiece."

Jimin rolled his eyes. The atmosphere had shifted into a tranquil one, the two staying on the floor as they found themselves in each other's arms again.

"Are you ready to talk about it, moonlight?" Jeongguk sounded careful with his words, just like he was holding Jimin.

The boy nodded, the trust Jimin has for Jeongguk being a reminder that he's safe. He wasn't scared anymore because he knew Jeongguk would be there for him.

Jimin remembers how Jeongguk stayed during Jimin's lowest moments because he wanted to. Even if Jimin was a pain in the ass, he stayed because he loved him.

They loved each other, whether it was as friends or something else, none of them would ever abandon the other.

Perhaps they're one soul split into two. Perhaps they have a red string tied to their left pinkie that leads back to each other. All Jimin knows is he is extremely grateful to have Jeongguk in his life.

And if there comes a day that Jeongguk wishes to leave him for someone less broken, someone less fragile; someone... less like Jimin, he'd let him go. He knows he can't depend on someone to survive, a big mistake he made back then that almost cost him to lose everything. Yet, looking at the way Jeongguk prepares two cups of Jimin's favorite tea, Jimin couldn't imagine Jeongguk leaving his life so soon.

He smiled looking at the raven-haired boy, thankful they were able to meet in this life.

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A/N: Here's a little more dive into Jeongguk's and Jimin's friendship. I think I've already shown how Jeongguk cares for Jimin but the best part is that it is requited! In the next chapter, I think it will also dive into their friendship more but for now, I'll leave it at that😁