A/N: So towards the end, there is a discussion about depression, $3lf-h4rm and $u1c2d3. Still honestly, I believe every chapter in this story will have some sort of discussion on these topics since they are very important to the story.

Warnings will also be quite short since as a depression survivor, would not like to trigger old memories.

Thank you <3

(4121 words)

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The earliest school memory Jimin has is his mother dropping him off on the first day of kindergarten. Unlike some other kids, he didn't throw a tantrum as he was walked to the classroom. Although the little 4-year-old didn't dread to come, he wasn't excited either.

He remembers the place being new, colorful, different, and big; nothing like the small, comfortable home he was used to. Perhaps because he was exploring this new environment, he didn't notice his mother's tears as he let go of her hand.

A woman he'd never seen before with white, short hair and heavy makeup caked on her face welcomed him to the classroom, directing him to sit with the rest of the kids on the dusty rug.

As Jimin gazed at the other kids sitting on the same carpet with a map printed on it, the little boy noticed how they were just the same as him. For that reason, Jimin didn't feel scared or alone that day. He had no reason to.

Maybe seeing the children was what allowed the toddler to easily let go of his mother's hand. And although he felt comfortable in this new environment, he never uttered a word. When they asked him a question or tried to make conversation, he just nodded, shrugged, or hummed. At one point, his teacher thought he was deaf or mute.

Even as the year went on, Jimin didn't speak. Children thought he was too strange to talk to. Teachers thought he was rude. However, the little boy never paid attention to what they thought of him, for he lived in his own world of coloring and reading fairy tales.

His teacher often talked to his parents about his behavior to the point where they got concerned for their child. Each day, they wished for their child to make a friend, yet they didn't want to force it upon him. It was strange how different Jimin acted at home compared to the way he acted at school. His parents always wanted to see a smile on their child's face and hoped one day, the smile was caused by someone known as "Park Jimin's friend."

A year later, when Jimin was 6, their parent's wish came true. Jimin made a friend.

No, really. He made a friend.

"Hobi," he called him. The little boy's imaginary friend was not a friendly creature with special abilities as one would think. Hobi was a smiling, happy, little boy Jimin enjoyed the company of. Jimin would write about him, draw pictures of the two together, talk to him through whispering, and play with him during recess in a spot where no one would find him.

To the rest of the world, Jimin was a lonely freak, since he talked to things that weren't there. To the child, he never saw anything wrong with his best friend. But Jimin still kept him a secret.

Surprisingly, Jimin never encountered bullies that would mock him and call him a freak. Everyone just avoided him, even his teachers. Back then, Jimin didn't know how truly lonely he was.

Jimin was 7 years old when he made his first friend. She was Japanese and named Sana.

She walked up to the quiet boy and asked him to be her friend. The total opposite of Jimin she was, but he accepted. Most of the time, Jimin didn't know how to act around his new friend so he stayed the same, quiet. After all, that must have been the reason Sana befriended him, right?

Yet as time passed, Jimin began to open up around Sana, especially because she always pushed him to talk to her. He never found it annoying and he never wished for her to stop. He found her endearing most of the time.

Because of Sana, more children began to talk to Jimin. The sudden spotlight on him was new to the little boy, which he didn't know how to handle. The presence of strangers scared him and Sana had to be there to shoo everyone away.

Sana was the only person Jimin felt comfortable with. Even if he gained sudden popularity by being the best friend of the prettiest girl in class, he'd always go back to her. And Sana would always be there for him. The two children often hugged, sat next to each other, and sometimes held hands as they walked.

Almost inseparable, they became.

Almost.

Jimin only talked to his imaginary friend during recess, even though Hobi was always with Jimin. It was the only time Sana left him to play with her female friends. Never did he think about telling her about his loneliness.

At that time, boys weren't allowed to play with girls and vice versa. It was an unspoken rule and the last thing Jimin wanted was for people to talk about his best friend behind her back.

Sana was the greatest friend Jimin could ever ask for. When he accidentally broke his arm, she was always careful not to hurt him when they hugged and brought him chocolate, his favorite.

During the second semester, a new Japanese girl joined the class. Momo was her name.

Sana was the first person Momo talked to. She clung to her like a lost puppy. Never did it bother Jimin, just confused him.

Sana later introduced Momo to Jimin as her childhood friend. To be honest, he liked Momo. He did, but as time went on, he only saw less of Sana.

Momo came up to him one day, telling the boy Sana didn't want to be his friend anymore.

It was a major surprise that he demanded an answer as to why he was losing his first friend. Momo explained that Sana didn't want to be his friend if he wasn't friends with Momo as well.

"But if I'm your friend too, we can all be friends together."

And like that, Jimin gained another friend. But their friendship didn't last long.

Soon, Sana and Momo were the ones hugging each other, sitting together, and holding hands. Then one day, they were just... gone. And he was back to square one.

The funny thing is he didn't feel betrayed.

By summer, he forgot about the two girls. Although it was awkward seeing them again the following year, he was thankful they didn't share teachers again.

The three of them never spoke again.

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August 22, 2010

By the time Jimin turned eight, he'd gotten used to the idea of being a solitary person. He'd often stay in his room watching Spongebob, play in his private backyard with his imaginary friend, or create sets and houses for his Lego figurines out of homemade objects.

When the time to return to school came, Jimin dreaded it for two reasons.

The first one was that he'd see people he didn't want to see again. Like Sana and Momo.

Second, his intimidating teacher seemed like one that would work them to death.

So no, Jimin wasn't excited about starting a new year. He never was.

When Jimin walked into the classroom on the first day of school, he immediately recognized some people from his previous classes. One of them was Kim Seokjin. He was sitting at one of the tables in the back alone, playing with his fingers. Because Seokjin was the only person he recognized out of the 3 girls and 2 boys in the classroom, Jimin decided to sit next to him.

As Jimin sat down, Seokjin spared him a slight glance, one that Jimin wasn't able to catch since he was settling his stuff. When Jimin sat down beside the boy, Seokjin slid his chair away from him. The atmosphere was quiet and awkward as more kids entered the quiet room. Jimin zoned out with a familiar tune replaying inside his head while Seokjin didn't bother to talk to the latter.

With just four chairs empty, the first day of school began.

Their first assignment was to make a colorful name stand. Once they completed their stand, they had to complete a worksheet that read, "ALL ABOUT ME" at the top. The teacher claimed this assignment was to "get to know your classmates since you'll be with them for a year."

Some kids sat with their best friends and some other kids were just good at commuting with their partners. Once the big, scary teacher calmly gave out the instructions to the assignment, he sat down at his desk and the kids began to talk. Jimin glanced over to his partner, seeing him carefully write his name in bubbled letters. The boy's frown was enough to tell Jimin not to bother him, so he didn't.

It's not surprising that Jimin loved working alone. His partner next to him seemed to enjoy the same thing, so as they worked, the two never uttered a word to each other. Jimin drew stars around his fancy font (as fancy as an eight-year-old could make it), carefully making sure they were all drawn with the straightest lines.

When Jimin was satisfied with his decoration, he took out his unused colored pencils, crayons, and markers from his backpack. Carefully, he began to trace and fill in the shapes and letters.

A few minutes ago, Jimin was working fine because he was able to drown out the voices of the children talking. However, the two loud boys sitting in front of him began talking loudly.

"Ten, what is my favorite food?"

"I don't know. How would I know?"

"Well, what did you put?"

"I put 'pizza'."

"Then I'll also put 'pizza'."

Jimin could hear everything they said. Of course, he could, they weren't hiding anything. It was very obvious by Seokjin's grunts that he was annoyed too. Once again, Jimin tried to drown the voices.

"Why did you do that?! It's ruined now!"

Jimin rolled his eyes, frustrated. The teacher not noticing bothered Jimin more than it should have.

Over the week, it just got worse.

The following day, the teacher began teaching the first lesson. Jimin did his best to pay attention, but because of the boy and his friend Ten, as Jimin remembered, he couldn't. The two boys would always talk nonsense while the teacher spoke. Once in a blue moon, did the teacher bat an eye at them. They would shut up when he did and write their notes yet after a while, they would start chatting again.

Once, Jimin caught a glimpse of one of the boys' name stand. 'Taehyung,' it read.

By the end of the first week of school, Jimin decided that he didn't like Taehyung. 

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September 7, 2010

For years, Jimin believed the universe had plans for everyone, including him. Everything runs on the butterfly effect, in which a small change can result in a large catastrophe.

Perhaps if Jimin was social and had friends, he would have gone outside that day.

Perhaps if Jimin wasn't so hungry since he never ate the school's breakfast, he would not have sat alone at lunch that day.

And perhaps, if a certain boy named Ten had shown up to school that day, Taehyung would not have walked up to the lonely Jimin and sat down with him.

And if Taehyung didn't sit down next to him that day, Jimin's life wouldn't have been the way it turned out.

Jimin tensed when he felt Taehyung's presence. At first, he tried to ignore him, focusing solemnly on his food. However, the boy beside him had ants in his pants and it irked him. Still, no words left his lips.

He could feel the occasional stares the other boy would give him. When he felt Taehyung's stare too long, Jimin would crane his neck, which made the other retreat his eyes. This game Taehyung played began to get on Jimin's nerves. He was so close to abandoning his food just so he could leave.

Something Jimin noticed when he decided to check if the boy was still staring at him was the fact that he didn't have a food tray in front of him. And when Jimin noticed that, Jimin realized Taehyung didn't fully have an eye on him. He had an eye on his food. More specifically, Jimin's untouched corn.

"Can I help you?" Jimin asked in a gentle voice.

His voice brought Taehyung's eyes to meet Jimin's. As quickly as they locked eyes, Taehyung looked away shyly. "S-Sorry. But no. I'm alright. Thank you," he quickly replied.

"Do you want it?" he cautiously asked, referring to the corn in his tray.

Taehyung's eyes widened for a split second before he shook his head. "Oh, no. That's ok." Although Taehyung had a polite smile on his lips, Jimin's guts said something else.

"You can have it," he reassured, pushing the tray in the latter's direction.

Once again, he shook his head. "No, Jimin. It's ok." Taehyung pushed the tray the opposite way.

"It's fine. I wasn't going to eat it either way. Here," Jimin pushed. Taehyung learned Jimin was a stubborn person that day. No matter how much he'd shut down Jimin's offers, he'd never stop insisting until he got what he wanted. So Taehyung gave up, pulling the tray towards him.

"Oh, thank you." He grabbed the wrapped spoon from the tray, tearing off the plastic with his teeth. Using the black plastic spoon, he scooped half a spoon of corn into his mouth. Subconsciously, he looked over to Jimin, who was watching Taehyung eat with a satisfied smile on his face.

When Jimin realized Taehyung had noticed his gaze, his smile disappeared and his sight moved to the floor. Taehyung lightly chuckled at his actions, eating another half spoon of corn.

"Did you not eat?" Jimin questioned, his gaze back on the other boy.

"Oh, no I did. It just wasn't... enough. My friend always lets me eat his but he's not here today."

Jimin arched an eyebrow. For a second, Jimin assumed the other had not eaten, especially with the way he was staring at his food earlier. Still, Jimin didn't understand the fact that Taehyung was skinny. Really skinny where one could see his collarbones and scapula bones on his back.

"Then... if you're still hungry, you can have this." Jimin dug into his jacket's pocket, pulling out a packet of chocolate Berry Bear crackers.

"You didn't eat them this morning?"

"I don't eat the breakfast here," Jimin explained, handing Taehyung the packet.

"Then you should eat them since you didn't eat breakfast." Taehyung tried to return them but Jimin had already put his hands out, signaling Taehyung to stop.

"No, I'm fine. You can have them."

Taehyung didn't bother to convince him this time. Instead, he stuffed the crackers into his pants' pocket. He quietly thanked the other, going back to eat. With a full mouth but covering it with his hand when he spoke, Taehyung spoke.

"I'm Taehyung"

I know, Jimin thought. "Jimin"

Taehyung nodded, eating his final scoop of corn. "Um... thank you for this."

"You're welcome."

That moment felt like it would be the first and last time Jimin would ever talk to Taehyung. Once Taehyung left to throw away the styrofoam tray, Jimin left to head outside. Hobi lectured him about leaving the poor boy alone, especially when his best friend was absent.

But the thing stopping Jimin was the fact that nothing would matter in the end. Tomorrow, Ten would return and Taehyung would hang out with him. Jimin would be alone again like he always was.

There was no point in building something if it'd only be temporary. How ironic that Jimin would let his guard down a few months later.

And what Jimin predicted actually happened. Just not in the way he expected.

The teacher assigned seats the next day. Jimin was put with kids he didn't know while Taehyung was separated from Ten and put with Seokjin.

Taehyung and Seokjin were the ones who became friends, not Taehyung and Jimin. And though Jimin knew neither of the two could read his mind, the jealousy crept on him. The opportunity to befriend Seokjin, the only person in the whole class Jimin felt comfortable around, was taken away from him.

And at that moment, Jimin didn't not like Taehyung.

No, he hated him.

The universe must have been laughing at him, for Jimin didn't expect the irony that would hit him.

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November 16, 2019

*Ring* *Ring*

"Hello?"

"Hey."

Jimin smiles.

"Hi. It's so nice to hear your voice."

"It's good to hear you too. How have you been, Jimin?"

"I've been well, I guess. You?"

"Fine."

"Hmm."

Jimin knew what it felt like to feel "fine". He'd been feeling "fine" for over a year. If he was in the situation where he cared, he would have asked Taehyung why he was feeling that way. But he didn't care. He didn't care about anything. That's why he didn't bother to ask.

Plus, this was their first conversation in years and Jimin would not ruin it.

"You know, I still remember how you used to look back in middle school."

"You do?"

Jimin chuckled.

"Yeah. You were a big hugger."

"You remember?"

"Of course I do. And remember when we used to play with our imaginary friends."

Jimin blushed, the memories clear in his head.

"Yeah, that's what being an only child does to you."

"I guess so. Um, are you involved in any sports or activities at school?"

"Yes, actually. I'm in the dance club."

"Dance? I would have never pictured you dancing. I bet you're really good."

"I really like it and... yeah. You?"

"Baseball."

Jimin was surprised by his unhesitant answer. Sure, Taehyung must have changed over the years, but just as Taehyung never pictured Jimin dancing, Jimin never pictured Taehyung playing a sport.

"I didn't have practice today, thank god. It's fun but exhausting."

Jimin nodded as he continued.

"I understand. Dance is fun but the number of times we rehearse, it gets tiring."

As much as Jimin wished there'd be a lack of awkward silences, they still came around. Jimin had always struggled with having the confidence to speak first. And it seemed like Taehyung remembered that because after not hearing anything from Jimin, he shifted the conversation to a different topic.

"Hey, remember when I used to call you 'Emerald?"

"Yes, and when I used to call you 'Eclipse."

"Yeah, are you still obsessed with space? I remember you wanted to be an astronaut for the longest time."

Ha, it's funny how dreams change.

"Somewhat, I guess. Not as much as back then but like a month ago, I visited the Kennedy Space Center in Florida."

"Wow, that sounds great. I never get to go anywhere."

"What about you? Are you still obsessed with rocks?"

"No, actually. Not anymore."

"Anything you've been enjoying recently?"

"Um, no. Not that I can think of."

The silence returned once again. Jimin wanted to ask more but he'd been told to respect others' privacy. It was rude if you didn't. He stayed silent until Taehyung spoke up because he knew Taehyung would feel more comfortable knowing he'd have the lead.

In reality, on the other side of the phone, Taehyung's thoughts overtook him, claiming Jimin wasn't there anymore because he scared him away. He spoke once again in a whisper that was barely there but Jimin was able to hear it.

"Jimin, do you know what you're going to be when you grow up?"

"No, not a clue."

"Not even a dancing career?"

"No. Dancing is fun but I honestly don't see it as my career. What about you?"

"I don't have a clue either."

"Hey, may I ask, and this is for respectable purposes, but are your pronouns?

"He/ him. Yours?"

"Same. He/ him. And may I know your sexuality?"

"Pansexual."

"Oh."

"Yours?"

"I'm unlabeled. Like I've never had feelings or crushes for a girl so I'm possibly gay.
But I only want to date people special to me so I'm probably demisexual. However,
when it comes to dating special people, gender doesn't matter to me, either so pan?
I'm not sure, so I'm going as unlabeled."

"But what about- never mind. That makes sense. By the way, your personality, how would you describe it?"

"Introvert."

"Same. Can I ask why you finally contacted me after all these years?"

"Well, I missed you. You were my first and only friend from elementary and middle school."

"What about Seokjin?"

"Seokjin was a good friend but ..."

Taehyung knew. Jimin knew Taehyung knew. Remembered, in other words.

"Right. Listen Jimin-"

"No, Taehyung, it's alright. You don't need to explain. That was a long time ago."

Thankfully, Taehyung listened to him.

"Seokjin moved away, you know?"

"He did?"

"Yeah, last year. To San Antonio."

"Wow, that's far."

Jimin glanced at the clock, seeing it was almost time for his parents to return from their Christian party.

"What else do you want to tell me?"

"Um... well, I feel like I should tell you. I was diagnosed with depression a few months ago."

"Oh, do you... hurt yourself?"

"No, actually. Almost did once but I cowered."

"Oh, are you doing better now?"

"Yeah, I've been going to counseling."

"From personal experience, don't start."

"Personal experience?"

"Yeah. Life is just... it's too much for a young adult to handle."

"Yeah, I know. But my friend once told me he'd rather see me cut myself than kill myself. It's stuck with me since he said it."

"Honestly Jimin, meeting you might be the only thing keeping me alive."

It painfully slipped out of the boy's lips. Jimin froze for a second because no matter what reason he was given, he still wished he was never here. Alive and breathing.

Ever since Jimin could remember, Taehyung always deserved happiness and nothing less. Back then, Jimin promised to give it to him, even if it meant hurting himself. After all these years, Jimin would still keep his promise, just as he did when he was a kid.

That's what you do for someone when you love them. 

"Just promise me that we'll meet again in the future."

"I promise."

"You know, I had a dream last night where we reunited."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I don't remember where it was but when I saw you again, we hugged each other tightly."

"Aww, that's sweet. Well, someday we'll make that dream a reality."

"Hey, other than the nicknames and playing at recess, do you remember
anything else from elementary school or middle school?"

"No. Why? Is there something you want me to remember?"

"No, no. I'm just curious."

It was time to get back to reality. Jimin could hear the garage door opening.

For a moment it felt like Taehyung was there with Jimin. Like they never separated. And Jimin wished he could stay on the phone forever just to talk to him. He knew they had more to catch up on and he didn't know when he'd be able to call again.

It must have been an illusion because the next thing he knew, he just wanted to hang up.

He was mad at Taehyung for not remembering, still, he knew it wasn't his fault. People forget things, it's normal. But the reality of Jimin's childhood hit.

"Taehyung, I have to go, my parents are calling me.'"

Lie. He was home alone.

And that garage door opening he heard earlier? It was the air vents turning on to cool the house.

"Oh ok, well, I hope I get to talk to you soon."

"Yeah me too. Bye."

Jimin tried holding back his sobs so Taehyung wouldn't hear him.

"Bye."

And he quickly hung up, slamming the phone down on his soft mattress. The urge to hurt himself crept on him. He grabbed a bit of skin from his inner forearm and pinched it as hard as he could.

It stung, sure, but Jimin having extremely short nails prevented the boy from accidental cutting. It was effective but not satisfying.

"Why you?" he softly asked himself through his sobs. "Why did it have to be you?"

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A/N: It's currently 2 o'clock in the morning where I live and I just finished writing this.

Plus I wanted to publish a story before school started so here it is!!

Also, I hope you liked the special appearances of Sana and Momo from Twice! Don't worry, more idols will appear. Just stay tuned 😉

Love you besties!!!