My fingers hover over the laptop's touchpad, eyes too close to the screen as I read over every word I've written over the past two hours for the hundredth time before I finally hit send. When I lean back and stretch my arms up, I have to blink several times before my eyesight goes back to normal.

One glance at the clock tells me it's still early, and I consider going back to bed only for a second before deciding against it and slowly pushing my chair back so I don't wake Layla up.

Although she's a heavy sleever and often teases me about how overly cautious I am about this, I haven't been able to bring myself to stop. She'd never say it out loud, but I've seen how quickly she falls asleep after coming back from a photoshoot. Out of all of us, her job is the most tiring. Plus, she'd been breezing around the house the entire day because she finally has the time to go out with River tonight. I'd hate for her to be exhausted on the date she's been looking forward to way longer than she'd ever admit out loud.

So when I make my way to the door, my steps are quiet and my motions when I close it behind me even quieter.

I had already expected Sean to be in the living room (or the kitchen) because he always is—either drinking coffee, reading, or doing something on his laptop—but I'm surprised to find him sitting on the couch with Juni, the two of them talking in hushed voices. I give the wall clock a confused glance, wondering what's so important that it's got them talking like this at seven in the morning.

Deciding to not ask because I know they'd tell me if I had to know, I just shake my head when they sense my presence and look up, and I point in the direction of the door to let them know I'm going outside.

The weight of my phone feels heavy in my pocket even as the morning air kisses my cheeks and caresses my worn-out eyelids, growing bigger and bigger every time I think about Kaia's last text lying unanswered in it.

was that too direct? The first line had said, and it's embedded inside my head with how many times I've read it. You'd think it might get easier to think of a reply considering it's almost been a week since the text first made a permanent home in my phone as well as my heart. But the part of my brain that's responsible for sane thinking is overtaken by overthinking.

you dont have to reply to any of this. please remember that okay? bec now that i know there's a chance you feel the same way that i do, i cant keep this to myself anymore. I fiddle with the hem of the shirtsleeve covering my palm, feeling a fraction of the embarrassment from the night of the gig flare up my cheeks for a few seconds. I don't know if I want Kaia's confidence or some kind of magic that would make me forget the entire ordeal.

it's too soon to say i like you but i'm getting there. really fast. i wasn't gonna say anything. especially since we're about to work together very soon. it felt like the right thing to do. but then you said all those things at the bar and i changed my mind so quickly it's embarrassing. I had felt the corners of my lips quirk upwards at that despite myself.

and i also wanted to apologize to you (i'd prefer doing it in person but i think you deserve some space) bec i later felt like i had taken advantage of your drunken honesty in some way. I crouch by the flowers with a sigh, reaching out to stroke a Tickseed petal between my thumb and index finger, and then absentmindedly caress its long, shard-like leaf down to its tip. i could have stopped you, but i was too selfish.

Why can't I be as adamant as you are and bloom in all seasons of my peril? I want to ask the flowers as I stare at them, forgetting to blink even as the yellow, black, and the brown begins to blur into nothing but bright smudge.

i've been taken by how kind you were since the very beginning, imani. I think about the marks that line my body and wonder what she would think about them. I think about the anxiety that has embossed itself all around my head and wonder what she would think about that. I think about all of the times that I ran when I should have stayed and fought and wonder what she would have to say about that. and i'd love to get to know you better. you can take as much time as you need to think about this. and you can say no whenever, too. there's also something else that i think you should know about me, but i'd like to know what you want regardless of that fact. That part had made me nervous, but somewhere at the back of my head, a voice had reminded me that this was Kaia.

Respectful, considerate, and endearing Kaia. So I had automatically assumed that there was nothing she could tell me that would make me like her any less.

even if you don't want to pursue whatever this is between us, i still want to be friends with you. if that's okay. My fingers reach for the phone in my pocket, but the spell is broken when I hear the door open. think about it? please.

"Hey."

I turn my head, and let a small smile slip when Juni steps closer. "Hi."

"Everything okay?" they ask, and crouch beside me. I let their familiar, flowery scent calm me. Remind me that this is home. And home is where I feel the safest. Home is where I can say things that won't leave my mind otherwise.

I take a deep breath, and pull the phone out of my pocket to open the text, and then hand it to them. They read it over quietly but quickly, and then look right into my eyes when they hand the device back to me.

"You haven't replied to her yet." It's not a question, but I nod anyway. "Why is that?"

"I don't know," I whisper, looking down and playing with the grass between my fingers. Ignore-it-until-it-goes-away only works for me when I truly don't want to be in a situation. But I want to have an answer for Kaia. I'm afraid of how perfect you are and how much it scares me that I'm not, doesn't seem like a liable response.

"You know what I think?"

"Hm?"

"I think that you deserve all of the love in the world." The words strike a chord; one that vibrates in my chest and claws its way up my throat. Sends a terrible itch down my scars. But I stay silent. "Life hasn't been easy on you, Imani, but look at how far you've come." I finally look at them, and it's the sincerity on their face and the affection in their smile that finally makes my vision go blurry with tears. "You have the kindest heart. You hold so much love inside you. Enough to ring Saturn over a few more times. And I also think..." They nudge me lightly, "that you should be with someone who gives all of that right back to you."

I sniffle and wipe my nose with my sleeve, looking at them with a watery smile. "You think Kaia is going to be that person?"

They grin and reach out to catch a stray tear trailing down my cheek with their thumb. "I know she could be if you let her."

The words stick to my heart like glue. Too overwhelmed to say anything right now, I ask them how Sean is doing instead. The question brings a new spark to their eyes, but they shake their head and say, "He's fine. More than fine. I think he'll talk to everyone soon." The words don't make a lot of sense, but before I can ask, Juni says, "As much as I would love to continue this conversation in front of my flowers... my knees hurt so bad, Imani."

Letting out a surprised chuckle, I get on my feet and hold a hand out for them to take.

When the two of us begin making our way to the door, I open Kaia's text again, and begin typing a reply.

Hey

I send it prematurely and freak out for a second about how bland and rude that must sound, especially under the long, heartfelt text she had sent, and quickly type in another one to follow.

I really don't know how to do this. So don't make fun of me, okay? Do you wanna get coffee together?

It still sounds odd inside my head, so I stop obsessively reading my reply and wonder if this is the first time that Kaia doesn't immediately reply to my text. Except, I should have yet again kept in mind that this is Kaia we're talking about.

are u perhaps

asking me on a date

I'd... like to

well i'd like to say yes

A slow grin makes its way to my face, one that soon bubbles into a joyous chuckle that Juni shoots me an amused smile for. When I take a seat on the couch, I don't even look up when they ruffle my hair and leave the room.

there really is something that we should talk about tho

do you think we could meet at my place before we go?

whenever we go, i mean

no rush

I watch the speech bubble with three dots pop up again, and then disappear. It happens a few more times, and I look at the streak of texts and wonder if I'm not the only one who was nervous this whole time. As messed up as it is, the thought eases some of my insecurity.

But the thought of going to Kaia's house suddenly feels thrice as more intimidating than it did before.

Yeah, of course

<3

a/n: just one more after this :')

i can't believe i managed to actually get this far with everything that's been going on

thank you so much for reading! x 

+1701

total word count: 33824