[tw: mention of self harm, trauma, sexual harassment]

a/n: hi! i just wanted to put an additional note in here and let you know that i haven't written anything explicit, and everything is mentioned in conversations and memory, but if you find anything triggering, you don't have to continue and i'd be more than glad to summarize/fill you in on what happens in this chapter if you want! thank you <3

-

The next day seems like a regular one.

Until I step into the shower.

There's this thing about trauma that's always bothered me to my very core: You think you're okay now. You're healing. You're safe. Things seem to be fine. You're surrounded by people you find comfort in. Years go by. You don't forget, but put it aside long enough to be able to breathe. But your subconscious doesn't.

You never know what it is that would shake it awake.

Which is why I have no idea what it is about that exact moment when the stream of water hits the top of my head, but a shiver that has nothing to do with the temperature of the bathroom runs up and down my body.

I blink rapidly, the discomfort and the turmoil beginning to claw its way up my throat. My fingers find the skin of my arm where I already know are several brown and white scars—whether absentmindedly or on instinct, I don't know—and press down until I can feel the thin bumps.

There's never a day when I willingly look down at them, or address the fact that every bleeding line that I left on my skin now sits atop my skin in ridges. Like little monsters resting on pedestals. Above everything else. Unavoidable. I could pretend to ignore them all I want, but they'd undoubtedly be there no matter how much I try to act like they're not. Watching. Mocking. Undying.

Why, comes the question from the lucid part of my mind that has been pushed to the very back, left to fend for itself in the dark. Why is this happening? Why today?

With shaky hands, I reach for the knob to turn the shower off, but the blurriness that I had thought was because of the water doesn't go away. But the lack of sound helps me focus better on my breathing, so I brace my hands against the wall tiles and press my forehead in the middle. Inhale. Just like Layla had taught me. Exhale. Repeat until I can properly hear the echo of my own breaths.

When I can finally feel my limbs again, I push back and reach for the robe hanging behind the door without looking at it and wrap myself in the soft material.

It's oddly grounding, the way the cloth seems to rub the numbness off along with the stray drops of water that cling to my skin. I hold on to its drawstrings as if they're the last thing keeping me together for a few more seconds, and ditch the idea of a proper shower completely to step back into the comfort of my room.

I pick out the biggest shirt I own from the closet and throw it on before grabbing my phone.

January 22, says the date on the screen. And suddenly, everything makes sense. I drop the device back on the bed and dry my hair with a towel just enough so I don't go dripping all over the carpet when I make my way into the living room.

When I'm greeted by the smell of fresh coffee, I know Sean's in the kitchen even before I see him.

"No class today?" My voice comes out scratchy, so I scrunch my nose and clear my throat as I make my way to the table and take a seat. I look around for Juni, assuming they're home as well. There's no sight of them anywhere around me, though.

Sean looks back and greets me with a small smile, pulling my mug out from the shelf to now pour two coffees instead of one. "Morning. Mine got canceled. Juni had to go, though."

He walks over and places the familiar, plain green mug in front of me, and a muffin beside it as I watch the steam rise in shapeless waves over the rim. Resisting the urge to take a sip right away because I know it would burn my tongue, I look up at Sean and try to give him a smile of gratitude.

On another day, he doesn't have to ask. But today, he does. "Is it okay if I hug you?" I nod in reply, and only a second after I'm surrounded by his cinnamon scent and strong arms, his voice a gentle rumble in my ear. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you." My reply comes out a bit mechanical, but I don't have time to overthink because he's already leaning back, tucking my hair behind my ear and pecking my forehead before pulling away.

Sean has never made a big deal out of my birthday. It was something I had specifically requested in my earlier days with the band, and I couldn't be more grateful about the fact that he respects it. All of them do, really.

I'm tapping my lavender painted nails—courtesy of Layla, as always—on the empty part of the mug to make a clink clink clink noise, resting my cheek on my knuckles and watching Sean make his way back into the kitchen when as if on cue, the sound of the beep from the main door opening grabs our attention.

It's followed by the sound of feet shuffling, and then Layla steps in, muttering to herself. I catch the words sick and fucking useless and immediately sit a little straighter, eyebrows furrowing in concern. There are colorful flowers, probably from her photoshoot, still stuck in her hair, and her makeup looks perfect.

She throws her purse on the couch and makes a beeline for the kitchen, still cursing under her breath.

"Did your shoot... not go well?" Sean asks, facing her with his arms crossed in front of him, back leaned against the counter. His expression is blank, but I know he's ready to beat someone up if he needs to.

Layla lets out a scoff of disbelief but doesn't say anything, shaking her head and grabbing a pouch of juice. It's pineapple. Her comfort flavor. No one else in the house likes pineapple flavored stuff. When she unscrews it and downs the entire thing in one gulp, my concern only grows.

"Lay, are you—"

"It was supposed to be a good day," she grits out, crushing the now-empty pack of juice in her hand rather aggressively, and the gesture makes me wonder if she internally wishes it was someone's neck. "But. The motherfucking photographer. Peeved me out."

I note the exact second Sean goes completely still, and my muscles seem to stiffen in response. Both from her words and the fact that Sean now very clearly looks like he's about to break every single bone in someone's body. It's not that I blame him, though. My own frown has deepened into a scowl, but I patiently wait for Layla to continue.

"He really thought the whole oh-you-aren't-doing-this-right bullshit was going to work on me? Like, who the fuck did he think I was? A rookie?" Her words come out faster, voice a snarl as she tosses the crushed plastic in the trash can with a lot of force. "That I wouldn't know there's absolutely no fucking need for him to touch me!" She shuts the door of the refrigerator so hard that I hear the bottles rattle all the way from where I'm sitting. "Your hand needs to touch your face like this," she mimics, face scrunched and hands moving wildly as she makes her way to the couch. "Keep your leg like this. Not like that. Do it this way. Do it that way. Just fucking say it instead of..." I quickly push my chair back and walk over to her when her words trail off into a choked sob, and I feel a pang in my chest when I find her curled on the couch, eyes hidden behind the crook of her elbow.

"Lay..." I sit down at the corner near her head. Reaching out to caress a few escaped strands of hair away from her forehead, I murmur, "Hey. Come here. Look at me."

She raises her head and puts it on my lap without a word, pressing her face against my belly and finally letting out a sniffle. I turn around when I hear shuffling in the kitchen, and my eyes widen in panic when I see Sean speed walking in the direction of his room. There's no way to know what he might do—and really, I know better than to underestimate him and his anger—so I slap my palm on the armrest of the couch to grab his attention, and gesture him to come closer when he looks at me.

He continues to stare at me with anger simmering in his eyes, so I narrow my eyes. "Come. Here," I mouth, fingers still patiently carding through Layla's hair as if I'm not ready to grab Sean by his collar and make him sit beside us. Yeah, he still intimidates me but I'll deal with the fear later because Sean can be painfully impulsive. Especially when he's mad about something.

I watch him physically restrain himself for a few seconds, and then he looks away from me and swallows thickly before making his way over.

Layla's shoulders stop shaking when he sits at the edge of the couch near her legs, and takes hold of her feet to place them on his lap instead. He still looks frustrated, and I know exactly how he feels. But our priority right now should be to make sure Layla feels better.

When she pulls back and says, "There's also a good part about this, you know?" I nod to let her know I'm listening as I reach out to wipe the streaks of tears off her face. "When I was leaving, I was so mad and he wasn't around, right? So I just fucking smashed one of his expensive ass camera lenses and it felt so good." The corners of my lips twitch because that sounds exactly like something the Layla we've all known would do. "But one of the makeup artists saw and I was so scared, Imani, and like... that shit can end my entire career? Except they just looked me in the eye and said 'it fell' as if that made any sort of sense at all and I swear I could have kissed them."

As glad as I am that she isn't in trouble and that the fire in her burns bright as ever, the ache in my chest remains. Because how regular of an occurrence is this, for all of us to be angry and frustrated and disappointed and murderous but not surprised?

I begin plucking out the now wilting flowers out of her hair while Sean absentmindedly massages her feet until she eventually falls asleep like that. When my legs start going numb, I stay anyway. When Juni comes home, mouth parted to loudly announce their presence at the entrance of the living room, Sean quietly shushes them before they can. When Ved gets back from the gym, he carefully carries Layla to our room and delicately tucks her into bed without asking any questions.

It's just another day.

And we're just another family that makes each other a little less miserable.

-

Later, when I'm working on my last article required for the day, my phone pings with a text.

Kaia: hey! juni invited me to ur gig at ps(?) and i just wanted to ask if u were ok with me coming? i havent given them a solid reply yet so just lmk!!

Blinking down at the screen, I wonder which of the thousand questions inside my head I should address first. At a complete loss for words, I just push my chair back and make my way out of the room.

"Jun!" I call, still frowning down at the text a little.

"Yeah?" they yell in a drawl back from their room.

"Come out here for a sec."

There's a groan, then a grunt, and then: "No, you come here."

With a roll of my eyes, I make my way into their room, only to find them sprawled flat on their stomach on the carpet. It kind of reminds me of a cat, with the way they have their cheek pressed against the soft material, and limbs spread out straight.

So I do what every normal person would in this situation, and nudge them in the waist with my socked foot.

"What are you doing on the floor?"

"Meditating," they mumble, and then make a failed attempt at slapping my leg away. It goes on for a few seconds, with them flapping their arms around in hopes that they would accidentally smack me, but it doesn't work because they still have their face down. And they're short. Shorter than me. Makes it easier to dodge them.

"What are they doing on the floor?" I ask, this time from Ved, who is sitting cross-legged on the bed and aggressively typing on his laptop.

He doesn't look up when he answers my question. "Long day at the academy. Their students have this showcase thing coming up. Lots of work."

"Oh." A frown forms on my face, and I crouch on the carpet beside them because now I feel guilty about bothering them. I poke them in the neck with my index finger to get their attention. "Do you want a massage? Are your shoulders okay?"

They turn their head in my direction and give me a slow, tired smile. "I'm fine. You wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Oh, yeah." I sit cross legged beside them, showing them the screen of my phone with Kaia's text. "Why didn't you tell me you invited her?" Turning the screen back in my direction, I stare at it and add in a mumble, "And why does it sound like she's asking me for... permission?"

Juni suddenly looks more awake, and they reach for my phone to squint at the text.

"Wow," they breathe, and I scowl at them when they carelessly drop my phone back on the carpet. "I never thought you'd be the dense type."

"Rude."

They push themself off the floor, rolling their shoulders with a pained sigh as they sit in the same position as me and reach out to tap the middle of my forehead with the tip of their fingernail. "Dense," they repeat. "She's the closest to you out of all of us. Why do you think she's asking you if you're okay with her being there?"

"I don't know," I mumble, making nonsensical patterns on the carpet with my fingers. "And we aren't close."

"Ved," they groan, looking up at their roommate in desperation. "Help."

"You're dense, Imani," is all he says.

Juni widens their eyes at me. "See?"

"I'm so confused."

They flop back down on the bed with another exaggerated groan. "Good God. If I hadn't already dyed my hair white, you would give me some right now. Just tell her to come, will you?"

"Ugh, fine. You're no help at all."

They just scoff at me.

When I'm leaving their room, typing out a reply, I watch Ved shut his laptop and make his way over to them and reach out to pick them up like a toddler. "Take a shower and sleep on the bed, you menace," he says, and I close the door behind me.

You: Of course! Do you know where Pole Star is? Or do you want me to forward you the details?

My text sounds normal but the thrumming of my heart in my ears doesn't. It doesn't help that Kaia always responds to texts very quickly.

Kaia: um

A little laugh escapes my lips at her response, because this had been my reaction, too. When I had first heard the name of the place.

You: It's not a strip club, I promise.

Kaia: how disappointing

You: See, that's what I said too.

Kaia: yeah sorry imani :/ tell juni if no one's throwing their ass back in a circle, i dont wanna go

You: You just have to tell them that and they'll do it themself.

Kaia: alright you've convinced me. time and place pls

I shake my head in amusement and forward her the details.

And when she texts back a simple, I'll be there, that's when the butterflies of pure, stinging nervousness swarm my belly.

a/n: i'm going to aim for very quick updates from here and hopefully finish by the time the deadline rolls around! thank you for reading <3

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total word count: 26283