I'm in the garden, humming the chorus of a song that I can't quite remember as I water the plants, when there's a hesitant knock on the gates, and I almost drop the sprinkling can on Juni's Kalanchoe flower bed out of surprise.

Then after my brain reminds me of who it might be, my heart starts beating faster inside my chest for entirely different reasons.

This is getting ridiculous, I think, but does it stop me from taking a quick look down at my clothes to make sure I don't have any dirt on me? Absolutely not. I tentatively put the can down and tighten the strings of my cardigan around my waist before making my way to the gates.

Don't think about the texts, I remind myself internally, and my subconscious echoes back the words at me until it sounds like a mantra inside my head even though it hadn't been that big of a deal in the first place. Don't think about the texts. Don't overthink. Don't think. Don't. Don't. Don't.

And then I pull the gates open and it all goes up in smoke when I actually see her.

The useless overthinking. The 'I'm making this sound like a crisis when it isn't'. The endless questions. The lack of answers. The panic. The voice inside my head that constantly tries to come up with a string of Reasons Why The Way I Feel For Kaia Lee Could Possibly Not Be Romantic. Or the very good (not) alternative where my subconscious snaps her fingers and tells me that I have no experience with 'crushes' whatsoever and should simply not be allowed to make decisions regarding the same.

Everything. Gone.

Because how could I think about anything else when she stands in front of me with a smile brighter than the neon orange shirt she's wearing? When her hair, clearly damp from a recent shower, haphazardly pushed to the back from the front, slightly clings to the skin behind and underneath her ears?

I try to tell myself that this is just another one of those moments where you see a person so attractive you're left speechless at how unfair it is that some people just go around and about living their lives looking like that. I really do try.

But when she murmurs a soft greeting and my own gets stuck in my throat, I know I'm going to end up at Sean's door later today with the words, Hey, Sean, how did you know you were gay? Asking for a friend.

Through the haze of my Kaia-bound thoughts, I see her mouth forming more words but her hand reaches in my direction just as I blink and I all but freeze on the spot as soon as I catch a slight whiff of the softest smelling perfume from her wrist. Too stunned to move or ask what she's doing, I stand there looking up at her like the utter fool I am; eyes blown wide, mouth parted to form a question that's never going to see the light of the day.

And then I feel it, the barest of touches against the side of my neck that lasts a fraction of a second but enough to leave my skin scattered with goosebumps before she... flicks at something?

"There was-okay, don't freak out. It's gone now, but there was a spider on your shoulder."

Oh, I do freak out. It takes the whole of the strength I have in me to not immediately tear my cardigan to shreds so tiny that no one recognizes what it once used to be. Then set the little threads on fire. And then bury the remains.

My body shudders visibly.

If there's anything in the world that equally terrifies and enrages me, it's insects. Little shits with too many legs and beady, soulless eyes... absolute motherfuckers that don't understand the concept of space-

"People either start screaming or jumping around when you tell them there's a bug sitting on them, so I didn't want to say it." She smiles sheepishly. "Sorry."

The spell is broken, so I can look her in the eye again. Perhaps, I should thank the tiny bastard for bringing me back to my senses before I could make a fool out of myself. But no. Fuck spiders. And every other insect on the planet.

I wave her apology off with a sigh, wrapping my arms around myself. "Thank you. I'm not a screamer or a jumper. I'm a runner. I would have sprinted to the streets and thrown myself under the first truck I found." Then I move out of the way as she giggles a little at my words-the other way, so I can eye the ground and make sure I don't step on the spider-and usher Kaia in with a smile.

"Were you gardening?"

I close the gates and turn back around to find her looking at the array of flowers that I definitely didn't grow. If there's an opposite of a green thumb, I probably have it. Maybe a red thumb. According to the color wheel, of course. Or a black thumb. Like a little kiss of death. Because no plants that I've placed on the ground have ever done well. Doesn't matter if I try my best. I could coddle them, play them music, sing to them, do an entire ritual and make a sacrifice for them. None of it would matter.

"'Gardening' is a very generous way to put it. I was just watering them. They're all Juni's." I explain, and then breathe out a laugh through my nose. "They're too busy playing with Bowie today to do it themself."

"Sorry you had to take their plant duty, but that makes me so happy."

"We'll see how long that lasts when they join the list of people who would try to steal your dog the second you look away."

Kaia hums just as I click the door open, the beep that echoes inside the hallway probably alerting everyone of our presence.

"And here I was beginning to consider getting that joint custody."

I stumble. Of course I fucking stumble and almost fall flat on my face at the threshold the second the words touch the strings of my brain. And everything that was going on inside my head turns into pure nonsense.

Kaia's hand shoots out to take hold of my arm before I can break a bone-I was kind of hoping I would get a dent in my skull and possibly lose all of my memories just so I wouldn't have to deal with all of this humiliation that I brought upon myself-and pulls me upright again.

Her fingers, warm against my skin even through the material of my cardigan, stay wrapped around my arm until I'm standing properly again.

"Careful," she breathes, sounding genuinely winded with surprise even after she lets go. "Are you okay?"

Bury me down right here and never dig me out. "Yeah." I can't quite hear my voice, ears still ringing from both the shock of the possible injury I could have just encountered and the burning embarrassment. "I'm... clumsy. Really clumsy. Yeah. T-Thanks."

Kaia looks like she's going to say more, but my prayers probably just got answered because our attention is now held captive by the little pat pat pat of Bowie's feet against the floorboards, a sound that I've now grown fondly familiar with.

As soon as he stands before us, Kaia quickly crouches down to greet him. "Hi, baby," she coos, leaning out of Bowie's way when he tries to lick her face. She takes hold of his big head between her hands and kisses the top of it before scratching the fur behind his ear. "Did you miss me? I missed you. So much."

"Is everything okay?" I blink and look up at Sean, who is now standing behind Bowie. "I heard a yelp," he explains.

Feeling the back of my neck beginning to burn all over again, I just let out a strained laugh. "Yeah!" Then I make vague gestures around the hallway with my lips pressed together in a wooden smile. "See? Everything in place." He looks unconvinced, but thankfully lets it go and looks down at Kaia and Bowie instead, and I make quick introductions before I can become the topic of conversation again.

"It's nice to finally meet you," Kaia says, her words immediately dissolving into another wave of laughter when Bowie succeeds at licking a stripe up the side of her face as soon as she's a little distracted. "Thanks for taking care of him today. He seems really happy."

"Of course," Sean nods, and his returning smile is warm. It's a rare one, and I know it's there because he immediately likes Kaia. It doesn't surprise me at all. "Everyone in the house loves him."

"Ah, yes, Imani told me how he's roped Juni in, too."

"They didn't stand a chance against him," I add, and then meet Bowie's big, warm eyes, aware that he loves being talked to. Just a few hours and we've learned to include him in conversations as if he would open his mouth and reply any second. "Did they, sweetheart?" He wags his tail and barks happily. I know he has no idea what we're talking about, and I love him with my entire heart. I nod. "Exactly. They didn't."

Looking away from him when I feel eyes on my face, I'm surprised to find Kaia staring at me with the same expression she had on her face when we met earlier this morning. And because I'm clueless, jittery, and... well, obtuse, I blink when I could have been paying attention, look away from her when I could have kept my gaze steady, and awkwardly pretend like there's an itch at the nape of my neck when I could have been... doing anything but that, really.

I'm saved yet again from the aftermath of my awkward ways when Juni loudly announces their presence behind Sean, turning it all into a mess of greetings and laughter from there. And luckily, Layla comes back only a few minutes after and joins us, too.

There's a new glow to her face and her smile reaches all the way to her eyes, and Thank God, I think. Because although Layla is one of the most playful people I know, it's still very, very rare to see her practically beaming like this.

When our eyes meet and I silently ask her how it went with River, her smile widens into a grin.

That's enough of an answer for me. For now.

Later, when Kaia leaves after promising Juni that she would come back, and how it goes without saying that they're more than welcome to visit Bowie any time they want, three heads whip in my direction as soon as I step back into the living room after bidding Kaia goodbye, long before I can even consider bombarding Layla with questions.

Honestly, it's kind of creepy how Ved, Juni, and Layla, all have their eyebrows raised at me, arms crossed over their chests in unison.

"So?" Ved is the first one to say, and I eye my other two friends before tilting my head to one side, clueless.

"So...?"

"What was that?" Layla asks, as if that clears all of my confusion.

"What was what?"

She scoffs and looks at Sean-who is sitting at the dining table with a book open in front of him-with a Can You Believe This Bitch expression on her face. He just says, "Don't even try involving me in this," without looking up.

"There's like..." She makes vague gestures with her hands, and then looks at me like I'm the weirdo. Settling with throwing her hands in the air when she decides that I'm absolutely hopeless, she exclaims, "This weird tension. Between you two."

I blink. "I'm... sorry?"

Juni pushes Layla to the side and walks over to where I'm sitting on the couch, and places both of their hands on my shoulders. "Imani." I blink again. "Baby. Sexual tension. So much of it. Between you and Kaia." When I continue to look up at them like they've grown two heads, they add in a stage whisper, "It pricked my skin every time I was sitting too close."

"What the fuck."

I push their hands away before I stand, ignoring their cackles with a roll of my eyes as I make my way into the kitchen. Desperate to get my eyes and hands on something before I do something stupid. Like start babbling about something that has no relevance to the current conversation whatsoever. Or worse, blurt out that I'm pretty sure I'm beginning to form an actual crush on-wait, I think. Am I not too old for this?

My hand that was reaching for the pack of Doritos in the upper shelf pauses mid-air. Are people in their twenties even supposed to get 'crushes'? Should I not just be sure who I like and who I don't? This isn't the first time I've felt this way-immature and a little too lost for someone who has been an 'adult' for over five years now. But it's been a while since the weight of the uncertainty felt like it was crushing my chest.

It used to hit me the worst back when I newly started performing together with the band. I was the last one to join, the youngest out of all of them at the age of seventeen. Anxious. Quiet. Fumbly. Afraid of messing up. Reluctant about asking Sean for help. Miserable that I would never hold even a fraction of confidence that Layla does. Blinded by Juni's charm. Envious of how Ved made everything in life seem easy.

Too intimidated by how perfect and closely knit the four of them seemed.

They were... them. And I was me. Useless. Out of place. Littered with scars.

They were already a family. And I had left mine behind only to become an intruder in theirs.

Or so I had thought. For the first few months. By the time a year had passed, their patience and kindness had managed to seep through the cracks in my defense. How could it not? Their love was everywhere.

In Sean's fond little sighs when I accidentally did something silly. In the way he would hide away an extra bunch of shortbread cookies from everyone in the house every time we baked some because he knew they were my favorite. The tender pats on the head that he reserved solely for me after especially hard days of practice because I was secretly desperate for praise.

In Ved's spontaneous hugs and sloppy forehead kisses. In the way he would make a fool out of himself just to make me smile. The extra hours he spent with me in the garage after we would already finish rehearsing for the day, helping me with the parts that I was afraid of messing up. Keeping me glued to his side before gigs in case I got anxious.

In Layla's silent understanding when I would wake up gasping and sweating from a nightmare. In the way she would hold me to her chest like a mother would with her scared child, and run a soothing hand through my hair until I fell back asleep. The array of clothes she would buy for me every time she shopped for herself, telling me that I 'deserved to be spoiled sometimes'.

In Juni's fierce protectiveness for me even before they knew my story. In the way they never, ever made it seem like they were going out of their way to keep me company every time I wanted to go on a walk in the evenings, too afraid to leave the house on my own. The heavy days when they would push me out of bed, convince me to shower, and dry my hair for me afterwards.

I still felt like a child sometimes. Except, this time, it wasn't in a bad way.

They took care of me until I was no longer looking at them as an already full family I was pushing my way into. They were my family.

Gone were more than half my insecurities. I had a roof over my head. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I had a job. I was still doing what I loved. And most important of all, I could choose my own pace of things without ever being afraid that I was going to be judged for it.

So why is it that something as simple as possible attraction to another person feels like it's throwing me off the rails that I had so slowly, carefully built for myself over the years?

"Okay, jokes aside," Ved says, loud as ever, and I teleport out of my head and back into the conversation just as I sit down on the couch again. "I can't tell about Imani, but did anyone else notice how Kaia kept staring at her or..."

This entire situation feels like something I should have been through in middle school.

"Absolutely not," I say, and fold my arms across my chest. Since I can't stare Ved down because of how tall he is, I glare up. "We're not doing this. Stop it." I refuse to entertain the mere idea of someone like Kaia sparing me so much as an extra glance. Besides, I'm pretty sure they're pulling my leg.

"No, come on!" Juni exclaims, sitting down beside me and turning in my direction with their entire expression lit up. "We all saw it. And Bowie seems to really, really love you. Dependability is like, a single parent's number one kink, okay."

"God, please shut up," I groan, throwing my head back and covering my eyes in the crook of my elbow. "I hate you so much right now."

"Yeah, we're so going to hit her with a 'we told you so' soon enough," Layla says, and I pull my arm away just so I can give her a nasty look when I find her grinning.

"Bowie likes everyone!" I argue.

Juni laughs at my defensive tone. "Sweetie, he chose to sit with you when his owner was right there. In the same room-"

The sound of a chair sliding back interrupts them, and then Sean's voice silences the rest of the teasing with a simple, "That's enough. Get off her back."

And then he's closing his book after marking the page where he stopped, and leaves the room.

I look back at the three of them to find their lips sealed shut but their eyes staring down at me with varying levels of playfulness in them, and I groan and quickly get up to leave as well.

Going straight into Sean's room instead of mine because I know there's zero chance of anyone coming in here to bother me, I don't find him in front of his desk like I had expected to. Instead, he's sitting on the bed with his book resting beside him. When I close the door behind me, he pats the other side of the bed to beckon me over.

As soon as the mattress sinks under me, I sigh and find the words, "Why is this so nerve-wracking?" leaving my lips without much thought. I don't explain, but Sean seems to understand anyway. "I've handled much worse than this with more grace," I add with a humorless chuckle.

He wraps an arm around my shoulder when I rest my head on his arm, and lightly bumps the side of his head against the top of mine in an affectionate manner. And just like always, he silences the storm inside my head with a very simple explanation.

"It's because this is the only feeling you haven't dealt with yet."

a/n: so i managed to get this entire chapter out before the painkillers wear off and i am genuinely so proud of it??? i'm satisfied with the writing for once and it didn't take me nearly as long as it usually does :')

oh, and just a reminder, the mbam playlist is my favorite out of all the ones that i've made so far so i'm attaching a link again for people who missed it and might want to check it out in the inline comment right here! -->

just one more thing, while i was on a mini break, there were two books that got me through my misery and i would highly recommend checking out both!

1. sincerely, mysterious by slimmwrites

2. love bitez by katfeatherly

thank you so, so much for reading. i couldn't say this enough. i absolutely love hearing what you guys think about the book and just going through the comments cheers me up every. single. time. hope you're all taking care of yourselves!

until next time x

+3314

total word count: 23550