Chapter 11

“Are you hiding more things from me, Tiffany?”

Napapikit ako nang magtanong agad si Eason. Naglalakad palang kami pauwi sa dorm ko. Nauuna ako sa paglalakad. Hindi pa nga kami nakakalayo sa university nang i-bagsak na niya ang isa sa mga tanong na posibleng bumabagabag sa isipan niya nang i-reveal ko na marunong ako mag Filipino.

“I don’t even know the main reason why you left your country in the first place!”

Hindi ko alam paano ko sisimulan mag paliwanag sa kaniya. I feel compelled to tell him every single thing. Including my problems.

“And why am I even bothering speaking in English? You can understand Filipino better than I do!”

Muntikan na mag-ikot ang mata ko. Napaka-dramatic talaga nito! But, sige naiintindihan ko ang pinanggagalingan niya. I lied… well, I only lied about my ability to speak and understand their language, but that’s it.

Tumigil ako sa paglalakad at hinarap siya.

Napatigil din siya at ngayon ay magkaharap na kami. Huminga muna ako ng malalim bago sinagot ang mga nauna niyang katanungan.

“Yes, I want to be honest with you. I’m still hiding a lot from you. I dedicate the rest of this day to tell everything to you, Eason. Hindi ko sinasadyang i-tago ang mga bagay na ito, but I just didn’t find enough reason to share them with you, until now. And for your second question, malay ko bakit english ka pa rin nang english d’yan,” sabay tawa sa sariling joke.

His lips didn’t even quiver for a small or sly grin. He looked very serious. Hindi siya nagsalita na parang hinihintay niya ang i-susunod ko.

Hindi ko alam paano o saan magsisimula! 

But I absolutely won’t let this day pass without explaining a single thing to him. And I would not explain it here… in the middle of the street, in broad daylight.

“How’s coffee sounds?” aya ko sa kanya.

“Life was pretty good back in the US. My parents are rich and famous so people treated me like I was some kind of queen, you know, like in cliché teen flicks from movies?” kwento ko sabay tawa.

“I had a twin sister…” and there… nasabi ko na ang isang bagay na ang tagal kong hindi binahagi kahit kanino man.

It was never a secret, but I never considered it to be something that I share with everyone I meet. I love my sister… don’t get me wrong. But after sharing about her, I’ll have to say why she’s not here with me anymore, and that’s difficult for me. I can’t say anything about her without breaking down.

“And?”

“She’s dead.”

“Oh,” natigilan siya. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” sabi ko at ngumiti. “Everything happens for a reason… I guess. I just didn’t expect that it will be a traumatic experience for me.”

Hindi pa rin siya nagsalita. He just keeps staring at me intently, wanting to hear more of my story.

“She loves this country… bakit ko nga ba napili ang Pilipinas? Pero ang unang tanong ay bakit sa ibang bansa pa ako nag-aaral? That’s your question, right?” pagkumpirma ko, tumango naman siya.

“It’s because I have undiagnosed social anxiety. Ni minsan hindi ako lumapit sa psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, kung ano man ang kailangan kong lapitan. I diagnosed myself after reading articles and books related to what I’m feeling and my actions. Nang tingnan ko ang symptoms ng Social Anxiety Disorder, parang nagconclude na ako na siguro ito na nga ang sakit ko.”

“You are not sick,” he said, emphatically.

I smiled. “I wish.”

“When we were younger, she loved reading. And when we turned 10, our dad gave us a book about countries around the world. I didn’t have much interest in reading unlike her, I’m more into music than reading. What caught her eyes is the Philippines. She loved the origin, the history, and the culture of this country, and she told me that when we grow up, she’ll visit this country… with me.”

Nakatulala nalang ako, iniisip ang nakaraan habang nagkukwento kay Eason. How I miss my sister!

“Sa aming dalawa, ako talaga ang extroverted, at siya ang introvert. I am well known at our university, and I have a huge circle of friends. She doesn’t like my friends though, and ako lang talaga ang gusto niya makasama, so every lunch break ay pinipilit kong kaming dalawa lang ang magkasama, kahit na inaya ako ng mga kaibigan ko. I prioritize my sister.”

“Pero alam mo, tama nga ang sabi-sabi noon, sa kambal, may isang mahina… she was diagnosed with cancer at such a young age. She fought hard like a soldier. She always reassures me that she will make it and that we’ll grow old together… hindi ko naman akalain na ako nalang ang tatanda sa amin.”

Tahimik lang talaga si Eason habang nakikinig, pero kita ko ang awa sa mata niya. Ayan ang bagay na ayaw ko makita mula sa mga tao. Kaya ayaw ko talaga magkwento tungkol sa nakaraan ko.

“We died at the same time… and you know what… I realized one thing… Hindi siya naging mahina. She fought hard until her last breath. Sa aming dalawa, bilang kambal, she wasn’t the weak one. I was the weakest. Hindi naman niya pinili maging mahina, it’s just it is for her. Ako ang mahina sa amin dahil hinayaan kong maapektuhan ako ng mga nangyari sa kanya hanggang sa… hindi na ako ito. What you see, Eason… this isn’t me. I’m outgoing, I’m fun at parties, and I’m friendly, hindi ako ito.”

“Are you implying that you’re also showing me the fraud Tiffany?” tanong niya, ngayon lang nagsalita.

“Maybe,” sabi ko at nagkibit-balikat. “I don’t know myself anymore. As I told you, we died at the same time.”

“Why won’t you go to therapy, then? Do you want yourself back?”

“Ayaw ko. Going to therapy means I have to recall everything that has happened. Ayaw ko na muna balikan ang alaala ng kakambal ko kasi panghihinaan ulit ako ng loob. I’m much stronger now.”

“You’re not, Tiffany,” aniya at nagtaas naman ako ng kilay.

“You chose to run away from your problem. Ayaw mo harapin ito agad, but in the end, you’re just delaying the strong storm that’s about to come. Alam mo na darating at darating ang araw na kailangan mong harapin ang bagyo. You can’t keep running away, you will get tired from all of this. You will always miss yourself.”

Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo. He looked up at me while he kept sitting there, not minding what I just did.

“You don’t understand me, Eason!”

“Trust me, I understand you better than anyone else, Tiffany.”

“Why are you implying that I’m weak? Mas malakas na ako ngayon! I am stronger than the old me.”

“If you say so…” seryoso niyang sabi, pero nanatili akong nakatayo.

I don’t know what he just said that fueled my anger inside. I glanced up to him for one last time. Walang dalawang isip na iniwan siya doon. Not looking back. I called for a cab and left him there.

Nalimutan ko naman magbayad para sa kape ko! Siya na nga bahala doon.

The weekend came and I must say, he really did press my nerves. He keeps calling my phone but I never answered, at kapag tumitigil na sa pag-ring ng cellphone ko ay i-sisilent mode ko ito para ibigay ang focus ko sa mga assignment ko.

When we were at the time… inaamin ko, I was really pissed because I know, deep inside me, he was right. But I refuse to acknowledge his words. Okay na rin naman ako simula kagabi, napatawad ko siya kahit hindi ko pa siya naririnig na humingi ng tawad, pero gusto ko lang bigyan ang sarili ko ng oras para mag-isip.

“Hey, Tiffany. Miss T called me. The other boarders are complaining because your boy is still outside,” Jessica knocked before making her way inside our room.

Makulit talaga si Eason. Kanina pa yata siya nang umaga sa baba. Hindi siya pwedeng dumiretso sa loob ng dormitory dahil puro babae kami dito.

“Can you please relay my message, Jess? I can’t talk to him right now,” I begged her.

“I’ve been telling him what you want me to tell him for how many hours now, girl. You really need to talk to him personally. If Miss T keeps getting complaints about you and your boyfriend, you’ll be kicked out.”

Tumayo ako mula sa higaan ko at tumingin ng sandali sa repleksyon ko sa salamin bago kinuha ang cellphone ko na nakapatong sa bedside table at lumabas ng kwarto.

Nakasalubong ko ang mga boarders na kita ang ilang sa mga mukha. May ilan naman na namamangha habang nagkwekwentuhan. Karamihan kasi sa kanila ay nasa same university namin ni Eason kaya kilala talaga nila ito.

“In a relationship pala talaga si Eason at Tiffany?” rinig kong sabi ng isang babae.

“Obvious naman ‘di ba? Hatid-sundo kaya ni Eason ‘yan sa univ!”

“Shh, dadaan siya. ‘Wag kayo maingay!”

“Hindi naman niya tayo maiintindihan,” sabi ng babae sabay tawa.

Ha, ‘yun ang pagkakaalam niyo!

Diretso lang ang lakad ko, hindi ko sila binalingan. Bumaba ako ng hagdan at nasa kalagitnaan palang ako ng hagdan nang matanaw ko na si Eason sa lobby ng dormitory. May kausap siya na babae habang seryoso ang mukha.

“You need to go before we call security, mister.”

“Give me five more minutes, please… I just need to talk to my girlfriend,” mahinahon na pakiusap niya sa babae.

Something inside me ignited and melted… pero binalewala ko lang iyon. Dumiretso na ako pababa at napansin agad ni Eason.

Iniwan niya ang babaeng kausap at sinalubong ako. His forehead is now creased and his eyes are full of worry and he looks very apologetic.

“Tiffany! You weren’t answering all of my calls. I’m sorry, I—”

“Eason, we’ll talk tomorrow,” putol ko sa sinasabi niya.

“Why not now? Look, I just want to explain… I’m really sorry.”

“I’m busy today. Besides, I already forgive you even without your apology.”

“Tiffany…” nawawalan ng pag-asang tawag niya sa pangalan ko.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at tumikhim.

“Just go, Eason. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Sorry for ignoring you. Like I said, I am busy.”

“Fine,” bagsak ang balikat na pagsuko niya. “We’ll talk tomorrow. No more excuses, okay? I love you.”

I smiled at him and waved my hand.

“Yes, we’ll talk tomorrow. Now, go! You’re gonna get me kicked out of this dorm.”

Hinintay ko muna siya na makasakay sa kotse niya at magdrive palayo bago ako bumalik sa taas para makapagpahinga.

Pagkabukas ko ng pinto ay si Jessica ang una kong nakita. Nagpapatugtog siya ng isa sa covers ng Tenth Avenue habang nakanta sabay nito.

Nang makita ako ay pinatay niya agad ang speaker at hinarap ako.

“The hearsays are not hearsays after all! You really are in a relationship with the Tenth Avenue’s leader!” sabi niya na tila pa nag-nining-ning ang mga mata habang sinasabi iyon.

Umupo ako sa higaan ko, nakaharap ako sa kanya ngayon.

“Apparently, I am,” nakangiting pagkumpirma ko sa kaniya.

Biglang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. Parang may isa akong pasan na nawalay sa akin. Biglang gumana ang mood ko ngayon.

“You have a lot of explaining to do! What’s he like to be a boyfriend?”

He’s brutally honest and frank.

“Dinig ko ang nag-away daw kayo ng jowa mo?”

I rolled my eyes as I stabbed the chicken using my plastic fork. Hinimay ko ito gamit ng tinidor at maliit na plastic knife na kasama at saka sinubo ito.

“Where did you hear that from?” si Maddie na ang nag tanong para sa akin.

“Catheline Velesque… my junior high classmate has been talking about it non-stop. She said that Eason was at Tiffany’s dorm the whole day. Hindi raw sinisipot ni Tiffany sa baba.”

“Catherine Velesque?”

“No. Catheline. The twin sister.”

“Ah, si Catherine lang kilala ko.”

Muli na naman lumutang ang isip ko, mula sa kakambal ko, papunta sa away namin ni Eason. Hindi naman ako offended sa sinabi niya… hindi ko alam bakit ganoon ang reaction ko. Baka dahil alam ko sa kaloob-looban ko na tama siya at dini-deny ko lang talaga. But he really pushed a button.

“So, Tiffany na magaling pala magsalita in Filipino, ano ba ang nangyari? Dahil ba ito sa pagtago mo sa kakayahan mo na makaintindi at magsalita in Filipino?”

Umiling naman ako at hindi tumingin sa mata nila. “We’re fine.”

“Sige, hindi na kami mamimilit. Malalaman at malalaman pa rin naman namin ang nangyari.”

“Change topic na nga! Next week na ang senior high ball ah!” Wenna excitedly said.

“OMG, yes! I already prepared my gown for the night,” sabi naman ni Riley.

“Ay, gown talaga? I’ll only wear a cocktail dress from a well-known clothing line!”

“Tanga, ba’t ka susuot ng gown? Sabi nga ay cocktail dress lang,” Ariella said.

“Tenth Avenue will perform, syempre dapat bongga ang suot ko!”

“Paalala lang, si Camdem nalang ang single sa kanila. Umayos ka sa paligid ni Eason at baka ikaw ang unang makatikim ng galit ni Tiffany,” sabi ni Ariella at nagtawanan naman sila.

I had no response, lutang talaga ang isip ko kahit na naririnig ko naman sila.

“Ay, is that the new trend?”

“Baka may iniisip lang, manahimik ka nga d’yan, Riley!”

“Okay.”

Hanggang sa tumunog na lang ang bell, indicating that our lunchtime is over. Hindi ko pa nauubos ang pagkain ko pero binalot ko na iyon at balak na ibigay sa tindera ng cafeteria para mapakain niya sa mga pusa sa likod. Nakikita ko kasi siya kadalasan na nagpapakain ng mga pusa doon.

“Tiffany, okay ka lang ba?” tanong ni Maddie habang busy ako sa pag-aayos ng pagkain kong hindi naubos.

“Never better.”