Phae

"Oh f*ck!"

I heard the bathroom door bang against the tiled wall and I caught a sight of Scor as he gaped at my condition. Agad akong nagbawi ng tingin at hinigit ang mga tuhod ko sa dibdib ko at niyakap ko iyon. As if it would lessen the pain. I kept my eyes on the floor and Scor's feet kaya nakita ko nang nagmamadaling umalis siya. I scared him away, sino ba naman kasing hindi matatakot sa itsura ko? I look like crap!

Isinubsob ko ang mukha ko sa tuhod ko at muling humagulgol. Gano'n ba talaga? Do they always have to leave me like that? Why? Am I not lovable enough? Nagsasawa na 'kong maiwan, nagsasawa na 'kong maniwala sa mga pangako. My life is indeed not a fairytale, my life is a sick joke! I was busy condemning myself when I felt a warm blanket enveloping me. Nag angat ako ng paningin and I saw Scor staring down at me. Mas lalo akong naiyak.

"Get up, Phae, please?" mahinahon ang boses na sabi niya. Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong balikat ngunit hindi na katulad kanina na masakit. He was handling me as gently as he could. At kung tingnan niya ako ay para akong babasaging kristal na mabibiyak anumang oras. He looks at me like I am weak. He looks at me with pity. And I hate that. Itinulak ko siya. "Don't do this to yourself, Phae.. It hurts to see you like this."

"Get your hands off me! Hindi ko kailangan ng awa mo!" pumalag ako at itinulak siya ng itinulak. Kasabay noon ay ang pagsulak ng dugo ko at pag agos ng luha ko. "Leave me alone! Get the f*ck out!"

"Phae., stop!" he held my wrists in his hands and I felt the familiar feeling of being trapped, being restrained and being controlled. Nagbara ang lalamunan ko at pakiramdam ko, the world's closing in on me. "It's me, ako lang 'to.."

"Let go of me!"

Ngunit hindi niya ako binitawan. Instead he embraced me tight and kissed my head before hauling me off the bathroom floor. "Get up now, Phae."

"I said I don't need your pity!" sinubukan ko muli siyang itulak ngunit tila nawalan ako ng lakas. Being near him drains me. Nakakapanghina ang mga yakap niya. It makes me wanna sag against him and just give in. And I did just that. Ibinaon ko ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya at sinamyo ang pamilyar niyang amoy habang paulit ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na magiging maayos ang lahat.

"Tell me what's wrong, Phae. Tell me and I'll fix it. Just-" he gathered me in his arms and pressed his lips against my temple. "Just don't be like this."

Napahikbi ako. "Ano bang alam mo? All you did was hurt me. I gave everything. I did everything para lang hindi ako iwan ng mga taong mahal ko and in return, iniiwan niyo parin ako." kumapit ako sa damit niya at doon humagulgol.

Scor's hand slipped under my chin and tipped it. "Look at me, baby." i squeezed my eyes shut as if seeing him will only shove the knife deeper in my heart. "Look at me!" he urged. Dahan dahan kong ibinuka ang mga mata ko at tumitig sa kanya. His eyes were soft. There was no edge in it. Hindi katulad ng nakasanayan kong malamig niyang mga mata. Now, he seem to be as defenseless as me. As vulnerable and weak. "Look at me and keep your eyes on me."

Nakipagtitigan siya sa akin habang hinihimas ang pisngi ko. "No one's going to hurt you-"

"Don't!" I whimpered. I don't want him to make promises. Dahil sa mga pangako niya ay matututo lang akong umasa at pag umasa ako, masasaktan lang ako sa huli. I know that. I'm too familiar with that scenario.

"Shh." he silenced me with a thumb on my lips. "No one's going to hurt you again, I'm not allowing it!"

"Tama na! 'Wag mong sabihin 'yan!" i had the urge to cover my ears. Yeah, I'm so mature. Ayokong marinig ang mga pangako ni Scor, it would kill what ever's left in me.

"No one's going to leave you again so there's no need to fear, Phae." niyakap niya ako at ibinaon ang mukha sa buhok ko. He inhaled deeply as if memorizing the way I smell. "Maniwala ka sa'kin. I won't leave you, Phaedra. I never did."

Noon ko siya itinulak. Kasinungalingan! "Bakit mo ba sinasabi 'yan?! 'Wag mong gawin 'to sa'kin, Scor! Maawa ka naman!"

"'Wag mo 'kong itulad sa kanila, Phae." he grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "Wala akong kukunin sa'yo na hindi mo kusang loob na ibinigay. From now on, I won't force you to do anything. Kung kamay mo lang ang pwede kong hawakan sa ngayon, walang problema."

I stared at him like he've grown another head. Si Scor ba talaga 'tong nagsasalita? Why isn't he being mean? Why isn't he mocking me? Mas madali para sa akin na pakitunguhan siya kapag ginagago niya ako, hindi iyong ganito na mabait siya sa'kin. Hindi ganito na ginagawa niya ang lahat para alagaan ako.

Nang sa wakas ay sumuko ako sa pagasang may sasabihin siyang katarantaduhan matapos niyang mangako na aalagaan ako, sumandal ako sa dingding ng banyo at ganoon din siya. We sat there and just held hands.

"I wanna kill those who f*cked you up like this, Phae."

Mapait akong napangiti. "But you're one of the reasons my world fell apart."

"I know, baby." he said, his voice deep and husky. "That's why I wanted to make myself bleed. Kung pwede ko lang ibitin patiwarik ang sarili ko, ginawa ko na."

"That could be arranged." I sneered. Oo, gusto ko siyang makitang nasasaktan. I'm cruel like that. And the wound inside of me runs deeper than I thought and because of that, I hate him. I hate him for not being able to love me back several years ago. But despite of my anger my hand squeezed his as if telling him I needed him and I feel like a f-cking moron for doing it.

He made no comment about it in which I was glad. At least, hindi siya kasing insensitive ng iniisip ko. Maya maya ay hinigit niya ang kamay ko patungo sa dibdib niya. I noticed that his sweat pants are still wet and his feet are turning a bit blue. "Hurt me as you like, Phae. Sa'kin mo na lang ibuhos lahat ng sakit. I don't want to ever see you again like this."

My head snapped at him so fast I thought I just had a whiplash. What the hell is he talking about? Seryoso ba siya? His eyes were glued ahead. There's no hint that could indicate that he's just f*cking around with me. Seryoso nga.

"Let me make up for all those years I was not around for you. Mga panahon na sana nasa tabi mo ako at inaalagaan kita. Hayaan mo akong bumawi sa'yo."

---

The next day I woke up with a note beside me on the bed.

I have to make a quick call. I'm just downstairs.

Napaismid ako. Does he have to be that thorough? Hindi naman ako bata para gawin niya 'to sa'kin. I was just emotionally weak last night, or should I say a few hours ago, kaya hindi ako nakapagreact ng maayos sa sinabi niya. But I am okay now! I don't need him to go all sappy and sweet on me. It just doesn't work that way.

Hindi niya kailangan bumawi sa'kin dahil unang una wala naman siyang obligasyon sakin. Pangalawa, it wouldn't change a thing, it wouldn't lessen the pain and it would certainly not fix me. I already made that clear last night when I told him to f-ck off. Unfortunately, Scor's ability to recognize rejection was so off he actually took what I said the other way around.

Sighing, I took my time cleaning myself up. I put on some worn out jeans, gray shirt and leather boots. Saka ako bumaba upang mag agahan.

I was already at the foot of the stairs when Scor came barging inside the mansion like he owns the place. He looked so fresh in his worn out jeans, riding boots and gray shirt. Duh. Do we really have to be wearing matching clothes?! Inis na napa-about face ako.

"Where are you going? Handa na ang agahan?"

I plastered a lackluster smile on my face before turning back to him. "Sandali lang po, mahal na hari, I think I should-"

He cocked his head and amusement was so evident based on his playful smirk. "Oh, we match? Ain't that cute?"

"Cute?!" my eyes crinkled in frustration. "Ewan ko sa'yo!" I flashed him the bird and then ran up the stairs as fast as I could before anyone sees us wearing the same outfit. It's embarassing enough that Scor pointed it out. Mas nakakahiya pag si lola ang nakakita at lalo lang no'n iisipin na may forever kami ng damuhong si Scor! And what would our loveteam be called? ScorPhae? PhaePio? Ew!

I took off my clothes and settled for a sundress instead and sandals. Nang bumaba ako ay kay lapad ng ngiting ipinukol sakin ni Scorpio. I snarled at him as I passed by. Tumuloy ako sa patio kung saan kumakain na si lola.

"Phae, apo! Kamusta ang pakiramdam mo?"

I settled at a seat next to her. "I'm feeling better, 'la. Thanks."

Scor came sautering towards us wearing this sexy smirk I would love to wipe off his face. What is he feeling so smug about, anyway? Akala ba niya in good terms na kami? I was slack mouthed when he actually pulled a chair beside me. What the heck is up with him?! Mas lalo pa akong nagulat nang siya mismo ang mag lagay ng pagkain sa pinggan ko at ipagsalin pa ako ng juice.

When he seemed to have finally noticed my reaction, he turned to me. "What? You don't like juice? Ipapakuha kita ng kape or gatas?" hindi na ako nakapagreact nang itaas niya ng bahagya ang kamay at tawagin ang katulong.

Namula nang husto ang mukha ko nang makita kong pinagmamasdan kami ni lola habang ngiting ngiti. Oh, this is bad!

"What the hell are you doing?" mahinang sita ko sa kanya habang abala si lola sa pakikipagusap sa isa niyang tauhan ukol sa pagbabyahe ng crops.

"What?" patay malisya niyang sagot. "Kumain ka na. Masustansya 'yan, para hindi ka lampa."

My eyes narrowed into slits while Scor just laughed sexily. Damn it! Inis na dinampot ko ang mga kubyertos at nagsimulang kumain. Hindi ko na talaga maintindihan kung anong trip nitong lalaking 'to! High ba siya o ano? Nakasimangot na tinusok ko ang hotdog sa pinggan at nginuya ito habang nakatitig sa kawalan.

Maya maya ay bumulong sa akin si Scor. "I'm going to gauge his eyes out if you don't stop looking at him."

"What?" I blinked repeatedly and realized I was looking at Nero. No, I wasn't really looking at him. Nakatulala ako! It's just that he's in my line of sight kaya mukhang sa kanya ako nakatitig. Binalingan ko si Scor at nakitang seryoso siyang kumakain. "Are you serious? I wasn't even-"

"And don't look at him while eating that hotdog, it's inappropriate-" wala sa loob na dumampot ako ng saging. "Specially not a banana."

Binitawan ko agad ang prutas na tila ba napaso ako. "Siraulo ka ba?"

"And yes, I am serious." nilagyan niya pa ng bacon ang pinggan ko. "Eat up, Phae and don't look at him again. Or I swear in the name of all that's holy-"

"Ako ang nakatingin sa kanya, bakit siya ang paparusahan mo? At saka nagseselos ka ba? You know, gawain lang 'yan ng mga nagseselos." halos matawa tawa kong tanong.

Hindi siya sumagot. Ipinagpatuloy lang niya ang pagkain. Inabot niya ang isang tasa ng kape at lumagok mula doon. His eyes are still trained on his trusted employee. I smirked. "Does your silence mean yes?" nangingiting bumaling akong muli sa pinggan ko at itinuloy din ang pagkain. I don't know if it's still caused by my accident but I feel something funny going on in my stomach.

"Yes it does."

Napamaang ako sa sagot niya hanggang sa tuluyan na akong napangiti.

Matapos naming kumain ay nagpasya akong maglakad lakad sa labas ng mansion. Isang buong araw kasi akong bed ridden at pakiramdam ko naninigas ang mga kasukasuan ko. Malayo layo din ang nalakad ko kaya nakarating ako sa isang ilog.

I stood there admiring the beauty of the water, sparkling with the sun's reflection. I inhaled deep to keep my chest from tightening not from the pain but from the empty feeling inside. Like I was hollow vessel. Bawat taong pinapasok ko sa buhay ko, lumabas na may kasamang isang malaking parte ng pagkatao ko na kahit kailan hindi na maibabalik. And I will never feel whole again.

I wanted to summon all the fights left in me, just so I could get through this. Just to be able to feel something. Anything. Even pain would be very much welcome right now.

Sighing, I took out a cigarette and a lighter from my dress' pocket. Sinindihan ko iyon at sinimulang hithitin. Nanatili akong nakatulala sa tubig hanggang sa may humablot sa sigarilyo ko at iitsa iyon sa lapag.

I groaned as I watch Scor stepping on the poor cigarette.

"You do know it's bad for your health?"

"Tell me that once I've given a f*ck." inekis ko ang mga braso ko sa dibdib ko at ipinagpatuloy ang naunsiyaming pageemo. Hindi kumilos si Scor sa kinatatayuan niya. "Can't I at least have a few moments alone? I need this."

"You don't need it, you only want it."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. So, I want this. Give me some space, will you?"

"Why don't you just tell me, what's wrong?" he blurted out. "They said, mas nakakagaan kung paguusapan ang mga problema."

"Talking about your problems won't make it go away."

"Aw. Aren't you a ray of sunshine." he made this cute mocking face.

Tiningnan ko siya ng masama. "Why do you make it so difficult for me to like you?"

He smirked. "Yeah right. We can go on pretending all day and all night but I can see through you, Phae. Didn't I already tell you that?" he crossed his arms in his broad chest and cocked his head. "So spill, what made you do that crazy stunt yesterday?"

"F*ck off." tinalikuran ko siya at naglakad na pabalik sa landas na tinahak ko. Naramdaman kong nakasunod parin siya sakin kaya binilisan ko ang paglalakad ko. "Pwede bang tigilan mo ang pagsunod sakin? Get a life, Scorpio Ledesma and stop following me."

"They said, I should follow my dreams so here I am."

Nalaglag ang panga ko sa sinabi niya kaya hindi ko na napigilan ang paglingon ko. Hinarap ko siya at patalikod na naglakad. "Alam mo ang corny mo-" bago ko pa matapos ang sasabihin ko ay natisod ako at muntik nang mapaupo. Mabuti na lang at maagap si Scor at agad niyang nasalo ang bewang ko.

"Why do you keep on falling whenever I'm near?" he asked smirking.

---

A/N: Since my FB account's been deactivated for personal reasons, why don't you guys follow me on twitter? :D @annsyvil