Phae

My mouth is set in grim line as I peeked behind the heavy drapes, gazing at Scor as he paced back and forth the garden outside. As usual, may kausap siya sa telepono. Although I couldn't hear him, I can see how he was shouting at whoever's on the other line.  I Watched him toss his hair several times and pinch the bridge of his nose in utter irritation. Ngayon pa lang ay nakaramdam na ako ng awa para sa kung sino mang kausap niya. That person is obviously dead meat. No one manages to piss him off this much and lives to tell the tale.

Napabuga ako ng hangin nang mapagtanto ko ang aking ginagawa. I feel like a freakin stalker! Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na tumalikod at tamang tama naman na nasa likod ko pala si lola O.

Kamuntikan pa akong mapatili at nasapo ko ang dibdib ko sa sobrang gulat. "Lola!"

"Are you okay, Phaedra?" nangunot ang noo niya.

Sunod sunod na tumango ako. "Yes, lola. I'm sorry, ginulat niyo po kasi ako."

She let out a throaty laugh. "Pasensya ka na, apo. I saw you looking out the window. I didn't mean to sneak on you like that."

 "Okay lang po, 'la."

"Sino ba kasing sinisilip mo riyan?" bago ko pa siya mapigilan ay nakasilip na siya sa bintana. Napamura ako sa isipan ko. "Oh!" she looked at me and smiled knowingly or rather, naughtily. "Cmon, samahan mo akong magagahan sa labas. Hindi mo kailangan magtago sa likod ng kurtina."

Walang nagawa na sumama na lang ako sa kanya sa patio, at naupo kami sa tapat ng pabilog na mesang puno ng pagkain. My eyes automatically strayed towards Scor who's now talking to Nero, mukhang hindi na siya galit. Sino kayang kausap niya kanina?

Okay, stop doing this to yourself, Phae. You need to get over this silly crush!

Problema lang kung hindi na basta crush lang ang nadarama ko para sa kanya. God, I really should quit torturing myself. I can just easily call Drae and make up excuses so I can go back to Manila and forget whatever the hell happened in this god forsaken place. I'm done here. Matapos ang nangyaring komprontasyon sa pagitan namin ni Scor ay dapat tuluyan na akong umiwas sa kanya. I shouldn't be lurking behind those goddamn curtains watching him like an obssessed lunatic! Tama naman si Scor eh, this should have to stop before things get out of hand.

Ang galing niya, nagawa niya muling patayin ang nararamdaman ko sa pamamagitan ng mga salita niya. In a way, nakaganda na rin naman ang ginawa niya dahil natauhan ako. It may have hurt like a motherf-cker but at least it was enough to snap me out of my insanity.

Una sa lahat, pinagnanasahan lang ako ng lalaking ito mali ang intindi ko sa sinabi niyang gusto niya ako. How can I be so dumb? Paano niya akong magugustuhan? Lalo na ngayong alam niyang I was messing around with his fiancee? I should have know it was just a bad case of sexual tension that got out of control.

And besides, for goodness sake, I am committed with Hera! We may be going through a rough patch as of now, but still...

 "Phae, hija, may problema ba kayo ni Scor?"

"P-po?" kandautal na tanong ko. I realized my grandmother was staring at me and i haven't touched my food.

She smiled a little. "Napansin ko kasing kanina mo pa siya ninanakawan ng tingin. I thought you have a crush on him-"

"Lola!" agad kong saway sa kanya. Baka mamaya ay may makarinig sa kanya at isiping crush ko nga ang hudyong 'yan! Totoo naman pero ayaw nga sa'kin ni Scor, ayoko namang kung anu ano nanaman ang masabi niya sakin para lang mawala daw ang pagkagusto ko sa kanya. "Hindi ko po siya crush. Ang tanda ko na po para sa mga bagay na 'yan. Isa pa hindi ko po siya ninanakawan ng tingin." i muttered. Napayuko ako at naramdaman ko ang pamumula ng pisngi ko.

My grandmother reached a hand and covered mine with hers. "I just wanna let you know, that if ever there's something going on between you two.. Hindi ako tututol."

"Lola naman!"

Tumawa siya. "What?" pinisil niya ang kamay ko. "I like Scor, he's a good guy. Alam kong aalagaan ka niya."

Pinigil ko ang sarili kong 'wag mapaismid sa sinabi ni lola. Aalagaan? Kung alam lang sana niya ang mga pinagsasabi ng lalaking iyan, baka siya na mismo ang magpalayas kay Scor sa jacienda.

 Nagkuwentuhan pa kaming dalawa hanggang sa yayain na niya sila Nero at Scor na sabayan kaming kumain. Nagpaunlak naman ang lalaki pero si Scor ay magalang na tumanggi at nagsabing may meeting daw siya thru Skype. He excused himself and marched inside the mansion without even glancing at me.

At bakit naman kasi siya titingin sa'yo?

---

Kinailangan ni Lola O puntahan ang pagawaan niya ng furniture sa kabilang dako ng Jacienda kaya nagpaalam na muna siya't iniwan kaming dalawa ni Nero sa hapag.  Nagboluntaryo akong samahan siya ngunit tumanggi ang matanda. Sinundo naman siya ng owner type jeep na minamaneho ni Mang Carding at binilinan ko siyang magingat.

That left me with Nero.

His smile quickly turned into a frown the moment he studied my face. "May problema ka ba? You seem really tired and you haven't touched your food?"

I shrugged and toyed with my bacon strip. "Hindi lang ako napagkakatulog nitong nagdaang gabi.."

"Pansin ko nga.." natulala siya sa mukha ko at nang tumikhin ako ay agad din siyang nakabawi. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Of course you are beautiful, but uhh.. Heck, what am I saying?"

I couldn't help but laugh at his flustered expression. "It's okay. Hey, relax! I am not going to eat you or anything."

He gave me panty melting smile. God, this guy's really goodlooking! Siya iyong mga tipo ng lalaking alam mo na kaya kang protektahan sa kahit anong bagay. With all those muscles and stuff. There is something really attractive with alpha males like him. "Pasensya ka na. I don't know why but when it comes to you I seem to have lost the ability of forming coherent thoughts. Must be those pretty eyes."

Natawa nanaman ako. Hindi sinasadyang napalingon ako sa loob ng kabahayan at namataan si Scor na nakatitig ng masama sa amin. I felt a sudden urge to smirk. Instead, binalingan ko si Nero at pabirong hinampas siya sa kamay. "Ikaw ha? Bolero ka!"

"Of course not!" he sat back against the steel chair, he was visibly more relaxed now. "I don't mean to be a little too forward here but I do have a thing for pretty eyes."

"Sadly, I don't have a thing for players."

"I am not a player!" he looked indignant but then he laughed. "Okay. Alam mo, hindi ko talaga alam kung anong approach ang gagawin ko sa'yo. I've tried nice guy and then player type. But nothing seem to work. Ano bang tipo mo?"

Try the pasuplado effect approach. That seems to work with me all the time. Inis na sinaway ko agad ang sarili ko. Tama ba naman 'to? Si Scor na lang ba talaga lagi ang laman ng isip ko? I looked at him and saw he's not paying attention to us anymore. Damn! Hindi ba dapat pinipigilan ko si Nero sa pakikipagflirt sa'kin dahil committed akong tao! Hindi iyong ineencourage ko pa siya para lang pagselosin si Scor na obviously, wala namang pakialam sa'kin.

I'm crazy.

"Phae, okay ka lang ba?"

"Huh? Yeah." tumayo ako mula sa upuan. "I'm kind of sleepy. Would it be rude kung iiwan muna kita?" nakangiwi kong tanong.

 He stood up as well and offered me a smile. "No, it's okay. Mukhang kailangan mo nga ng tulog."

Tumango na lang ako at iniwan siya doon. Sobrang nagiguilty ako sa ginagawa ko. Nagmamadaling pumasok ako sa kabahayan at determinadong lampasan si Scor ng hindi siya tinatapunan ng tingin. Nahihiya ako sa ginagawa ko.

Ganon na lamang ang gulat ko nang makitang nasa harapan ko na siya. He grabbed me by the arm and forced me to meet his glare. "Stop flirting with my employee."

Nangatal ang labi ko sa kawalan ng masabi. Tama naman kasi siya. What he was accusing me was true. "I'm sorry.." tanging nasabi ko. Nakahinga naman ako nang maluwag nang birawan niya agad ang braso ko. Dali dali akong tumakbo sa hagdan at kahit pa nang tawagin niya ang pangalan ko ay hindi ako lumingon.

I paced back and forth my room. I really need to leave. Kailangan ko nang makaalis dito before Scor messes with my head completely. I really should call Drae!

I grabbed my phone and my fingers hovered on his number. If I call him right now, for sure he would ask questions. Questions I am not prepared to answer. So, no. I can't call my brother without risking him finding out about what transpired between me and his jerk of a bestfriend.

 I bit my lower lip.

Hera! Maybe I should just call Hera. She used to make things better for me. Lahat ng bagay napapagaan niya sa tuwing makakausap ko siya. I was able to tolerate living my life for so long because of her, because she was there for me. Pero sa nangyayari ngayon, parang kabaliktaran na ang nangyayari. Mas lalong bumubigat ang kalooban ko dahil maaalala ko lang ang ginawa niya sa akin bago ako umalis papuntang pangasinan at ang mga sinabi ni Scor. He loves her. It will only remind me of what we can never have and and the fear that in the end, she might leave me for him. That would kill me.

But I knew I had to talk to her somehow. I had to try helping her get over her traumatic experience instead of mooning over some jerk like what I'm doing right now.

Ngunit bago ko pa maidial ang numero niya ay kusa nang nagring ang telepono ko. She was calling me. Umusbong ang pag asa sa loob ko na baka kaya niya ako tinatawagan ay para makipag ayos. Dali dali kong sinagot ang telepono.

"Hera?" i answered breathlessly.

"Phae." her clipped tone instantly killing my vibe. So she's still acting like the ice queen she is.

I inhaled deeply and steadied myself before speaking. "How are you doing? Kamusta ka na?" i tried to make my voice sound cheerful.

"I'm fine."

Napangiwi ako. Yeah, she's still pissed. But why would she call me if she's still mad? Hindi ko narin alam kung sa akin ba siya galit o sa nagtangka sa kanya. It doesn't make much of a difference anyway. Ako parin naman ang pinagbubuntunan niya. "N-Napatawag ka? Uhm.." hindi ko alam kung iyo ba ang tamang pagkakataon para banggitin ito sa kanya but.. Whatever! "Have you.. Have you heard about what happened to Viktor."

Matagal bago siya sumagot. I imagine she would be stunned or maybe she was sad about the news. "Yeah, I did." maikling sagot niya.

Napalunok ako. Obviously, she still cares about that mutt. Hindi ko man gusto ay may hatid iyong kirot sa puso ko. "Okay, I just thought-" i cut myself short. "Nevermind. So, bakit ka nga napatawag? Is everything alright?"

"Phae, listen.."

 "What? Is there a problem?"

"No-I mean, yes." aniya. "Yes, there is."

"What?" nagpapanic na tanong ko. "Anong problema? Does somebody tried to hurt you again?"

"No, Phae. I think we should break up.."

Natigilan ako. "Excuse me?"

Bumuntong hininga siya sa kabilang linya. "I said, magbreak na tayo, Phae. We should stop this."

May namuong bikig sa lalamunan ko at kahit anong gawin kong paglunok ay hindi mawala iyon. Napapikit ako ng mariin at napahawak sa lalamunan ko. I couldn't breathe properly, the lump just won't go away and tears are starting to well on the corners of my eyes.

"Are you still there?" Hera asked.

"Y-yeah.."

"Okay."

"Hera, why?" i managed to choke out.

She sighed again on the other line. "This isn't working anymore, Phae. I'm sorry."

Napatayo ako sa kama at kasabay noon ang masaganang pagtulo ng luha ko."What are you saying? Iyon lang ang dahilan mo? We can still work it out! We haven't even talked about this and you're breaking up with me? Ano ba'ng problema?!"

"There's no need to talk-"

"Of course there is! You owe me an explanation aside from that it's not working sh-t you're giving me! What went wrong, Hera?! Anong nagawa ko para gawin mo 'to sakin? Do you want me to go back there in manila? Pagusapan natin 'to! Please! Just please, don't do this!"

"Nakapagdesisyon na 'ko, Phae."

"Nakapagdesisyon?!" i cried out in disbelief. "You decided to end things with me without even asking me? Without even telling me? I am not even aware we have a problem! I was trying to give you space coz I know.. I know you have a lot to deal with. Tapos.. Tapos yun pala.. Pinagiisipan mo nang makipagbreak sakin? This is so unfair, Hera!"

"I'm sorry-"

"No! Hindi ko kailangan ng sorry mo! Ang gusto ko, bigyan mo 'ko ng dahilan! Ng matinding dahilan para bigla ka na lang makipagbreak sakin! Hindi ko tatanggapin--"

"I don't love you anymore!"

Natigilan ako. Matagal bago tuluyang bumaon sa'kin ang sinabi n'ya. Hanggang sa ilang ulit akong napailing, tumalsik sa iba't ibang direksyon ang luhang nagmumula sa mata ko. Hindi. Hindi totoo ang sinasabi nya. That can't be true! Nasapo ko ang dibdib ko at nanghihinang napaupo ako sa gilid ng kama.

"Is that reason good enough for you?" she asked but I couldn't find the words to say anything. "Goodbye, Phae."

When I heard the click on the other line, that's when I broke down. I hurled the phone to the cream colored wall and it shattered on the floor. I began sobbing with my hands over my mouth to keep me from whimpering out loud. How could she do that to me? Ganoon na lang ba kadali para sa kanya na itapon ang lahat? How could she do that without feeling anyything?! Wala man lang akong narinig na katiting na emosyon sa kanya noong sinabi niyang hindi na niya ako mahal. Oh, right! Mayroon nga pala, she cried out in frustration. Frustrated na siya sa akin! 

Iyak ako ng iyak pagkatapos noon. I feel so rejected. And unwanted!

Habang pinapahid ko ang luhang naglandas sa pisngi ko ay nakarinig ako ng ugong ng sasakyan. I peered down the window and saw Scor and Nero getting in the Hummer jeep.

Scor!

A realization suddenly dawned on me. That sneaky bastard! Siguro ay isinumbong niya ako kay Hera kaya nakipagbreak siya sa'kin!

Without thinking, I quickly dashed outside the house. Unfortunately, nakaalis na ang jeep at naiwan ako.

"Dammit!" lumingon ako sa paligid at wala akong natanawan na iba pang sasakyan na maari kong gamitin upang habulin ang talipandas. Ngunit nakita ko ang isang binatilyong tauhan ni lola na may karay na malaking kabayo. Agad ko iyong tinakbo. This will have to do. Marunong naman akong mangabayo kaya agad kong hinigit ang renda mula sa binatilyo at walang sabing sumampa ako sa saddle ng kabayo.

"Ma'am sandali po!" hindi ko na pinakinggan ang protesta niya at pinatakbo ko na ang kabayo.

Mahina akong napamura. "Damn, this beast is f-cking slow!" kung mananatili kami sa ganoong bilis ay hindi namin maabutan si Scor kahit pa natatanaw ko pa naman sila. "Cmon!!" inis na sabi ko sa kabayo at iginalaw ang binti ko patungo sa tadyang nito upang bumilis ang takbo.

Noon naman biglang humalinghing ang kabayo at ang susunod na namalayan ko ay ang pagtilapon ko sa ere. I landed in the ground with a thud and I felt the sudden ache behind my skull and my shoulder.

 I heard people screaming and just before I closed my eyes. I saw Scor getting off the jeep and running towards me with a worried expression on his face. How sweet..

"Phaedra!"