I drew my knees closer to my chest as I heard my bedroom door creak open. I raised an inquisitive brow at my brother who came sauntering inside, still wearing his work clothes. Tumingin siya sa'kin at matipid na ngumiti. Behind that, remorse was written all over his face. I smiled back bitterly and hugged my legs tighter.

I'm so mad.

"Sorry, Phae-"

"Don't!" maagap na putol ko sa sasabihin niya. "Don't start, kuya."

Nanghihina na naupo siya sa dulo ng aking kama at mataman akong tinitigan. Nagbuga ako ng hangin at iniwas ang tingin ko sa lamp shade ko. "Don't act as if I didn't try, alright?" hinintay niyang sumagot ako pero hindi iyon dumating. I just remained throwing pointy glares at anything but my brother. He sighed. "Look, Phae, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me, please?"

"It's not you, kuya." sa wakas ay tiningnan ko siya. Drae and me looks so much alike. Same dark wavy hair, pointy nose, and hazel eyes. Hindi maipagkakailang magkadugo kame. He's all I have ever since our mom died. Of course, there's still our Lola O, our dad's mother, and yes, our neglectful father. Pero si Drae na talaga ang tumayong magulang ko ever since, that's why it's so hard to hate this guy!

"Then why do you look like you're ready to murder someone?" he asked with a grin.

"Nagtatanong ka pa!" napataas ang tinig ko. Agad na sumenyas si Kuya na hinaan ko ang pagsasalita ko. I rolled my eyes. "I just wanted to get out of here." I said in a more hushed but really frustrated voice.

"I know!"

"Then why can't I just go with you?! Or have my own place? I'm-"

"Phae-"

"For God's sake, kuya! I'm 25 already!"

"That's not the point!" Drae argued. Napabuntong hininga nanaman sya. "You know how much I want to get you out of here. Ayaw lang niya pumayag."

I hissed. He was talking about our father. Ayaw nitong pumayag na kunin na 'ko ni kuya. Malaking pera kase ang nasa trust fund ko, courtesy of my mother, and the douche is after that. But I'll be damned if I let his filthy hands on my mother's money.

Our mother died because of his philandering. Natagpuan nitong may ibang babaeng ibinabahay ang tatay namin. Nang dahil dito ay naaksidente si mommy. Simula niyon, nagiba na ang tingin ko sa pamilya namin. I once thought our family was almost perfect, except for the fact that once in a while, our father beats us. My mom made me believe it was all because he loves us. How wrong am I.

"Besides, you know lola O will never allow you to leave. Kung hindi nga lang ako pinalayas noon, hindi ako aalis dito."

Our father's infidelity wasn't a secret even to his own mother. Ayaw din ni lola O na umalis ako basta basta sa mansion na 'to dahil ayaw nyang may ibang magpakasasa sa kayamanan na pinaghirapan ng yumao nitong asawa. It just pisses me off that they were doing this on my expense.

Wala naman akong magawa.

"But if ever that motherf-ucker hurts you, tell me, alright?" hinila nya ang braso ko papalapit sa kanya. I scooted closer to my brother. "I just need an excuse to actually cut his head off this time."

Kamuntik nang mapatay ni Kuya ang tatay namin nang malaman nyang namatay ang mommy namin dahil sa kagagawan nito. Hindi maaaksidente si mommy kung hindi dahil sa paghabol nito sa kanya at sa buntis nitong kerida.

Ang balita namin ay nakunan ang babae naturang gabi ring iyon. Serves her right, my mind bitterly sneered.

Mabuti na lang hindi napatay noon ni kuya si daddy, kung hindi, wala na 'kong kakampi ngayon. Si lola O, naglalagi na lang sa Jacienda namin sa Pangasinan at bihira ko na lang makita.

"By the way," my brother grinned widely at me. "Scor's back in the country."

Awtomatikong umasim ang mukha ko. Why does he.have to mention his name now? "So?"

"So?" natawa si Drae. "I said he's coming back here in the Philippines, tomorrow maybe."

"Wala akong pakialam, kuya." i scrambled away from him and grabbed a pillow.

"Really?" he teased.

"Really!" my brother continued staring at me, amused at something. And it annoys me. Alam ko na tinutudyo parin nya 'ko dahil alam nyang crush ko noon si Scor. Duh? That was what? Ten years ago? Alright, seven! Happy? What does he think of me? I'll never recover from that crush? Seriously? "Ugh! Stop giving me that look, Drae! I mean it, stop!"

"What?" he chuckles. "Bakit ba masyado kang pikon? We're just talking about Scor, what's the matter?"

"Okay, let me just set this straight." i looked at him intently. "I don't like him anymore. He's a humongous asshole that I would never be caught dead associated to. I don't care about his whereabouts! So stop, uhg! Kuya stop annoying me!" hinampas ko sya ng unan.

"Ano ba kaseng annoying dun? Sinabi ko lang naman na Scor's back. What's the deal with that?" tatawa tawa paring sabi nya.

"Yeah! What's the deal? Parati naman iyong nandito tapos aalis din. And quite frankly? He should just stay away from here." i stubbornly crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"Really? You wanted Scor to just stay in states? Never come back? You know what that means right?" he raised both his eyebrows in challege.

"Kuya.." i said impatiently.

"You'll never see him again." he said in a sing song voice.

"So?"

"You're fine with that?" he asked, testing me.

I kept my face straight. "Yeah, absolutely. That would be.. Hallelujah for me!"

"Huh. Okay then." pangiti ngiti parin ang gago kong kapatid. I would have killed him, kung hindi ko lang sya mahal.

But yeah, I don't care what Scor's doing with his life. Like I said, I don't like him anymore. I'm already in a relationship with a wonderful person. My best friend. Why would I be bothered by that first class A-hole's presence?

The hell I care.

"You know, up until now, I don't get why you're this.. Uhh.. Mad at him. You used to really like him. What happened, Phae."

Napapikit ako ng mariin. You wouldn't wanna know, brother.

---

Roughly fifteen years ago.

It had been years but the thing I have for Scor hadn't faltered even a notch. Not even when he blatantly said to me a few years ago that he didn't like me kissing him.

It was a big ouch. It left a huge dent on my young ego.

But I couldn't stay mad at him.

Who could?

Lalong lalo na ngayon. Scor grew up to be a handsome teenager. He wore his hair longer now. His parents doesn't seem to mind, though. I don't, too. He looked so gorgeous with those mane of his brushing just below his eyes. And the way he tosses it from time to time? Uhg! Amazing!

Oh, I would love to touch his hair.

I sighed as I watched him walk towards me. I was sitting under a tree just beside our school building. Scor's a walking fairytale. He's every girl's fantasy. Our Prince Charming. I should be studying right now and not conspicuously ogling at Scor, the school's demigod, but what the heck! He is a sight to behold.

"Hey!" he called as he stopped in front of me.

Kagyat akong napatayo. "H-hi!" pasimpleng hinawi ko ang bangs ko at inipit iyon sa likod ng aking tenga.

"Uhh.. Have you seen Drae?"

Bahagya akong nadisappoint. Kailan nga ba nya ko derektahang inapproach kung hindi tungkol sa kuya ko ang itatanong nya? Di bale na. At least ako, kinakausap nya. Sa ibang mga babae sa school puro deadma lang sya. Sa twing kakausapin nya ko ay pakiramdam ko, special ako. Ako lang ata ang babaeng pinapansin nya.

"N-Nasa bahay na a-ata si Kuya." i fiddled with the hem of my school uniform. I always feel uneasy whenever he's near. Pakiramdam ko lalabas sa dibdib ko ang puso ko sa sobrang lakas ng kabog.

"Why are you stammering, are you okay?" bored na tanong nya.

"Y-yeah.. I mean.. Yeah." ngumiti ako sa kanya. Concern sya sakin?

Lumapit sya sakin at pinakatitigan ako. I staggered back. Hindi ako sanay na nilalapitan nya 'ko ng ganito. Not this close, at least. At sadyang nakakatunaw naman talaga ang titig nya. Ni hindi ako makatingin ng diretso sa mata nya. Pakiramdam ko nanlalambot ang tuhod ko nang maamoy ko ang cologne na gamit nya.

Twelve years old lang ako. Pero nung mga panahon na iyon, nakaramdam ako ng kakaibang pamamawis at.. Somethin in my lower tummy just clenched. Probably just my nerves. But uhh..

He raised his left hand - kaliwete siya - towards my face.

Napayuko akong lalo. But he caught my chin and pulled it up so we are on eye level. Bumikig ang lalamunan ko at bumilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko. I couldn't figure out what is it that Scor does to my system. Ang alam ko lang nu'n, in love ako sa kanya.

He drew closer and the tightness I felt in my stomach began to worsen. Aside from the butterflies, I felt something else. Nanunulay iyon hanggang sa gitna ng mga hita ko. What the hell am I feeling? Naamoy ko lang sya! What's happening to me?

Nilapit pa nyang maigi ang mukha nya sakin na halos maramdaman ko na ang mabango nyang hininga sa mukha ko. He then brought his finger to the corner of my eye and brushed something off from there.

Heat automatically crept up my face. Halaaa!

Agad akong nagkandarapa sa pagpahid sa mukha ko. Ano ba 'yun? Muta ba? Shit. Sya naman ay lumayo na rin sakin sa wakas.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. He wasn't looking at me anymore. Nakatayo lang sya dun at nakapamulsa ang mga kamay. Parang ang lalim lalim ng iniisip nya. It seems like he was torn and trying to decide on something.

"By the way.."

"What?" i asked as I searched his face. Why won't you look at me, Scor?

"I'm leaving for the states. Dun na 'ko magaaral."

"What?!" hindi napigilang naibulalas ko. Hindi yun maaari! Du'n na sya magaaral? Does that mean hindi ko na sya makikita pa ulit? O kung makita ko man sya, bihira na lang?

"You heard me." he tossed his hair before turning his back on me.

"P-pero.."

"Don't miss me alright?" pahabol nya.

How can I do that? Kung ngayon pa lang na palayo ka na, namimiss na kita? How will I be able to live with that?